


to be needed (tell me how good it feels)

by renaissanceee



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, College Student Rey (Star Wars), Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Professor Kylo Ren, Rey Needs A Hug, and so i will write as it comes to me, i have no plans for this fic, if i can pull it off - Freeform, it just came to me, literally so much, please don't get too attached lmao, slow burn maybe, there will be so much pining though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-29
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:20:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 106,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22019290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renaissanceee/pseuds/renaissanceee
Summary: Rey wanted nothing more than an easy semester. She deserved an easy semester. She cursed whatever forces had conspired against her to prevent exactly that. When Rey finds out that Kylo Ren is her new fantasy literature professor, she knows this semester will not be easy, in fact, it will be anything but. Fuck university, she might just drop out if she has to walk into Kylo Ren's lecture hall and see his stupid face and hear his sexy voice one. More. Time.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 911
Kudos: 685





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heh. a new fic. everybody ignore my old, unfinished hsm2 fic. (pls notice i didn't say abandoned!! i swear i'm going to finish it some day...) 
> 
> i really have no plans for this but i'm working on throwing together a bare bones outline for it so i have some kind of direction. basically what i'm saying is bare with me should you choose to read this. and if you do read this, thank you! much appreciated. love you.
> 
> unbeta'd and semi-edited
> 
> follow my tumblrs: @supremefuckingleader (star wars) or @teetering-dinosaur (main)

Fuck. Shit. Fuckity shit fuck. This was not how Rey wanted this semester to go. It was supposed to be an easy semester, with her only sources of stress coming from grad school applications and trying to find enough silence to sleep between bouts of Finn loudly having sex with his new boyfriend. 

She stared at her course listing in the student portal, dread churning in her stomach. She’d almost been looking forward to this semester. Now, she knew this semester would be anything but a breeze. She had planned so meticulously last October, she knew exactly which section of which course to take and which professor would be challenging enough but easy and quick to grade her work. But now... now all of that planning had gone to hell.

The words “Professor Kylo Ren” stared back at her from her screen, seeming to mock her as he was listed alongside professors she couldn’t wait to learn from. She had heard of him, the infamous Professor Ren. Every person on campus had. Okay, that was an exaggeration but it seemed like the whole school- no, the whole galaxy- was terrified of Kylo Ren. He was the evil bastard who crushed aspiring authors dreams and stamped out any flicker of hope a young editor had of ever making it. She’d heard that in just one semester five kids had dropped out solely because of his feedback on their work. Once she’d seen a girl run crying from his office, in her hands a marked-up (the sick bastard used red _sharpie_ ) manuscript of what Rey assumed had been a class assignment.

Rey clicked over to the offending tab that had originally informed her of the staffing change. Her icon, a picture of herself mid-laugh that Finn had taken years ago after he’d told her some lame joke she hardly remembered, had dulled in the time that she’d been staring at the student portal, indicating she was idle. Her eyes scanned the e-mail again, snagging on the words “unexpected leave” and “will not be returning”. She wondered just what exactly Dr. Luke Skywalker had said or done to provoke this sudden change. It wasn’t like this was a situation where Skywalker had just gone on vacation. For something to so suddenly shift the weekend before class begins meant something had happened.

Finding no comfort in dwelling on the change any longer, Rey sighed and slammed her laptop shut. As if abusing her technology would somehow get Kylo Ren off of her instructor list. She could only hope.

Finn popped his head out from his bedroom, “Everything okay, peanut?”

Rey dramatically sighed, “Finn, can I drop out of college now?”

A light laugh came from down the hall, and as he spoke his voice came closer, “I said no the last twenty times you asked, what makes you think I’ll say yes now?”

“What if I told you I’m going to be in Kylo Ren’s class this semester?”

“What the fuck? No, you’re not.” Finn leaned on the back of the couch, his head coming level with hers as she turned to look at him.

“Oh, unfortunately, I am.”

“But you planned against that.”

“What can I say? The universe must hate me even more than usual. Dr. Skywalker has taken an ‘unexpected leave’.” She sarcastically quoted the e-mail that had quickly become the bane of her existence.

“Why?”

“Wish I knew. All I know is that they somehow got the devil himself to agree to cover for Skywalker so now I have the pleasure of taking a class with him.”

Finn groaned sympathetically and gave her a soothing pat on the head.

Rey smiled, warmth seeping through her at the casual affection Finn showed her. She never got tired of the way Finn made her feel: safe, warm, at _home_. They’d been friends for about five years now, since they’d met in the same foster home right before Finn graduated high school, turned eighteen, and moved out. Rey had been quick to follow him, and they’d lived together ever since. They were as close as two people could be without blood relations.

“At least he’s kind of hot?” Finn eventually offered, trying to find the light at the end of the pitch-dark tunnel.

She gave a noncommittal shrug, “I do only have the class twice a week, though.”

“That’s a bonus,” Finn agreed.

They both nodded, knowing that no angle they looked at the situation from would ever make it pleasant or even tolerable.

“Poe’s coming over in about an hour, you wanna watch a movie and order some take-out?” Finn asked, not so casually changing the subject. He pushed himself off of the couch and trudging into the kitchen, “I swear we have nothing to eat in this whole apartment.”

“What movie?” Rey asked, turning on the couch to watch him rifle through their cupboards.

“Not sure, yet. Maybe something romantic. Poe’s really into those cheesy Christmas movies lately.”

“Christmas was three weeks ago,” Rey pointed out, helpfully.

“What can I say? My man’s a sucker for predictable Hallmark movies.” Finn finally gave up his search for edible food in the kitchen and leaned against the kitchen door frame, “We’ll probably order Chinese.”

“I’ll probably join you guys, if I’m done wallowing in self-pity by then.” She flopped back around and rest her head on the back of the couch, “Woe is me.”

Finn just laughed.

~*~~*~~*~

Classes started the following Tuesday, and Rey was lucky enough to be exactly one and a half minutes late to Kylo Ren’s first lecture of the semester.

“I would appreciate, Miss Niima, if in the future you could make it to class on time.” Kylo Ren interrupted his own welcoming speech to admonish her as she slunk into the room.

“Sorry, sir, I won’t be late again.” She muttered, quickly finding the only empty seat and sitting down. Of course, with her luck, it was in the second row, almost directly in front of the giant man who stood glowering at her. 

She looked down at her shoelaces and tried to breathe as evenly as she could, though her heart was pounding from being called out by perhaps the most intimidating man she’d ever seen.

Rey didn’t want to know how he knew her name already, but she honestly expected no less from the man.

It was only when he cleared his throat and continued his introductions that Rey chanced another look at him.

Finn was right. He was a handsome man. It wasn’t a conventional form of attractiveness. His nose was too big, as were his ears and lips. His eyes were dark and guarded. His brow seemed to be naturally and perpetually furrowed. But altogether, it was a good look for the man in front of her. He was tall, too. Ridiculously tall. Rey felt like a bug compared to his size, or maybe that was because of the way he looked at her.

“As I was saying, _apparently_ ,” he said, his eyes running over the quietly terrified students looking back at him, and his eyes landed on Rey as he spoke, “you need a teacher. I am here to fill that role.”

Rey held her breath as he looked at her, certain that he would be able to sense how her heart beat quickly in fear if he saw her uneven breaths. His eyes eventually slid away from hers, and she slumped, her lungs burning as she once again pulled in a breath.

“I don’t have a syllabus drafted, as this assignment was last minute.” Rey could have sworn there was a hint of sarcasm, bitterness, maybe, in his voice, “I will have one sent out by the end of the week. Printed copies will not be handed out so do make sure you have access to the course online. I will, however, lay out basic expectations for my sections, so pay attention because this will be the only time I will address this in person. All future inquires about the course and my expectations of you can be directed to me via email.”

Rey lurched forward, reaching into her backpack for a pad and pen as Professor Ren launched into his various expectations and grading methods for them. He hadn’t given any specific assignments, presumably because he didn’t have any for them yet, but he had stressed the importance of attendance and keeping up with the materials in order to participate in class discussions. A small part of Rey that had been hoping she could skip most of the lectures died out at the mention of participation grades.

Rey jotted down some of the more important information and absentmindedly clicked her pen as Ren ran over the basic outline of the course.

“Now, I’m not intimately acquainted with the way Luke ran this course, but I do have a background in-” 

Suddenly, Kylo Ren’s eyes fell to Rey’s hand, still rapidly clicking her pen, and he glared at her for a moment. Rey’s thumb stalled on the tip of her pen, mid-click. She slowly released the trigger as his eyes travelled from her hand to her eyes. One of his eyebrows quirked up in irritation and Rey sheepishly set her pen down on the desk in front of her, folding her hands to keep from fidgeting.

Professor Ren continued, “I do have a background in fantasy writing, despite my emphasis in literary theory and renaissance literature. Rest assured, you were not left in inept hands. I will be able to get us all through this semester and accomplish the course goals outlined in the catalog, despite the somewhat precarious situation we find ourselves in at the moment.”

Rey focused more on remaining still for the rest of the time, rather than noting important information. She’d just read the syllabus later, she decided. 

Kylo Ren didn’t make eye contact with her again until the very end of his lecture as he said, “I hope the next time we meet we can all make it to class on time, as to not distract our peers from, nor miss any of the material.”

Rey’s face flushed a violent red as she gathered her things together, shoving them into her bag as she all but ran from the room. Typically, she would stick around and introduce herself more formally to a professor in the hopes of establishing a good relationship right off the bat, but Rey wanted nothing more than to put as much distance between herself and Kylo Ren as possible.

Her hands were balled into fists as she stormed through the twisted halls of the English department building. What an infuriating man! To just call her out like that in front of the entire class over less than a two-minute tardiness. It’s not as if she’d strolled in ten minutes late, Starbucks latte in hand. And the pen! He easily could have continued with his lecture. There was absolutely no need, Rey thought, for him to pause his entire fucking speech just to stare her down like an ill-behaved child.

Rey emerged from the stuffy building and glared back at it. Stupid Kylo Ren. Stupid Luke Skywalker. Stupid University of the New Republic. She never should have enrolled in university, she decided, it just wasn’t her calling in life. Maybe Finn would let her drop out now, after he heard just how horrible Kylo Ren really was.

“Rey!” she heard a small female voice call behind her, “Rey, wait up!”

It took everything she had in her to not whip around to this unknown person and scowl at them until they left her alone, but she knew that taking her anger out on a random person was not productive. Instead, she turned around with a blank expression on her face, which quickly dissolved into a soft smile as she saw a head of dark hard bobbing its way towards her.

Rose Tico emerged from a small crowd of freshman trying to find the engineering building, a sweet smile plastered on her face and excitement shining in her eyes, “Rey, hi!”

“Hey, Rose.” She greeted the small Asian girl. She and Rose had shared a discussion section in Rey’s intro to women and gender studies course sophomore year. While they hadn’t known each other particularly well, she’d grown fond of the passion Rose consistently displayed and was glad to see a friendly face after the debacle with Kylo Ren.

Rose caught up to Rey, and they fell into step together as they headed towards the quad, “You’re in my fantasy writing class.”

Rey almost groaned at the thought of the class- and professor- she’d just left. “You’re in Professor Ren’s class, too?”

Rose nodded gravely.

Rey gave a sympathetic smile, “Looks like we’re in for quite the semester.”

Rose glanced quickly at Rey, “Yeah, looks like it.”

Rey opened her mouth, but thought twice about asking Rose if she’d noticed Kylo Ren’s treatment of her. In case she hadn’t, Rey didn’t want to draw her attention to the situation. Not that it was a situation. Rey didn’t even know what it was, truth be told. All she knew was that Kylo Ren had not been happy with her today. Maybe he hadn’t taken too much notice of her. There was still plenty of time in the semester to fade to the background and float through the class as painlessly as possible.

Rose walked beside Rey in amicable silence for a while. Rey took notice of the girl’s slight scowl and smiled, “Rose, we’re not going to let Kylo Ren ruin this semester for us, okay?”

Rose looked at Rey with an expression of curiosity before a smile slowly spread across her face, “Okay. Do you want to sit next to each other next time?”

Rey nodded, smiling at the smaller girl. She needed a positive force on her side if she was going to get through this alive, and Rose was just about the sweetest person she’d ever encountered. “Yeah, I do.”

~*~~*~~*~

The syllabus never came. Rey was positive that he’d said the syllabus would be in by the end of the week, and she didn’t take him to be the kind to make false claims. If he said something would be done, it would be, and in the exact time frame he’d given. It was Saturday afternoon when Rey picked up her phone for what seemed to be the thousandth time to check for the syllabus in her inbox.

Finding nothing but a new welcome e-mail from a chancellor who got paid entirely too much for doing entirely too little, Rey swiped over to her messaging app. She started a new message to Rose.

**_hey, it’s rey. did u get the syllabus from prof ren yet?_ **

Her phone buzzed not a second later with a response from her new friend.

_yea. why, did u not?_

Rey sighed, sending a short: **_no._ **

_need me to fwd?_

Rey thought for a second. She really should figure out why she hadn’t gotten a syllabus yet, but the thought of e-mailing Kylo Ren for it was dreadful.

**_yes pls, would owe u my life for it!_ **

Rey sent Rose her school e-mail address and soon enough a new unread message from one Tico, Rose was waiting in her inbox. She laughed when she read the subject line “life debt”.

Rey sent at least five heart emojis back to Rose who simply liked her message in return.

Rey downloaded the attachment, but a nagging feeling trickled down her spine. If she didn’t solve the issue with not receiving Professor Ren’s e-mails now, who knew what kind of important information she might miss? Kylo Ren was not a man to get on the bad side of, and if she missed a crucial e-mail, she might do just that.

Rey opened a blank e-mail draft and stared for a second. This would be her first one-on-one interaction with the man who glared at her like she was shit on his shoe. Granted, it was by way of the internet, but it was still frightening to consider.

She wrote out sentence after sentence, erasing and re-writing until she finally settled on an appropriately short message:

> _Professor Ren,_
> 
> _I never recieved a copy of the syllabus. I have reached out to a peer and gotten a copy, but I thought I would just make you aware of the situation. I have double-checked and I am enrolled in the course on the student portal. Not sure what the issue is._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Rey Niima_

Before she could psych herself out again, she hit the send button and away her message went. 

Rey really wasn’t expecting an immediate response, so it made no sense for her to refresh the page. Yet she did. A couple of times. On her sixth click, a new e-mail was in her inbox, “Re: Syllabus”. Already a reply.

She quickly clicked on the message. It was less than a handful of words. In fact, it wasn’t even a word, it was a link. To the university’s IT department. Followed by “-R”.

Her cheeks heated as she took in his response. Her chest felt tight and her hands were shaking. Angry and embarrassed didn’t even begin to cover it.

_What an arsehole,_ she thought. She quickly turned away from her computer and leaping from her seat. She stood still for a moment before beginning to pace in her tiny bedroom. Her hands flew up to run through her hair, snagging on the buns on the back of her head. _What a dick!_

Who did Kylo Ren think he was, anyway? Who was he to just... just. Ugh. How pretentious _was_ he? His response was so rude. Rey hadn’t been asking him to fix the issue, she’d just been making him aware of it. She was being proactive. Letting him know. Of the issue. Like she’d told him. She fully planned on reaching out to IT on her own. She maybe just hadn’t thought of it quite yet.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had her phone out and was typing a response back to him.

> _Thank you so much for the help, professor. I couldn’t have possibly found the website on my own. See you in class._
> 
> _-R_

The e-mail was sent before she could stop herself. _Damn it, Rey_ . She scolded herself. _Never send e-mails to professors when you’re angry._

It was too late now. She’d sent the e-mail. The sarcastic, mocking e-mail that was sure to get her a scathing reply. She threw her phone into her laundry basket. Far, far away from her reach so that she wouldn’t do any more stupid, reckless, impulsive things.

~*~~*~~*~

She didn’t know what was scarier, the idea of him replying or his lack of reply. When eleven o’clock the next Tuesday rolled around with absolutely no word from the man, she knew she was in for it. She just wasn’t sure what _it_ was.

Rey sat in her seat, the one she’d been forced to sit in exactly one week ago when she was late to the first class. Rose would be coming any minute, and hopefully that would be enough to distract her until class started and she inevitably had to face Kylo Ren.

Her knee bounced incessantly and she glanced at her watch every two seconds. She’d started a crossword on her phone to try to distract herself, but had given up when the third clue (villain of _The Lion King_ ) reminded her of the long scar down Kylo Ren’s face. She wondered how he’d gotten such a prominent scar. Even more, she wondered how it was possible that such a thing made him (dare she say it) even sexier than he already was. Not that she was thinking about sex and Kylo Ren in the same thought. It was simply an observation. A scientific observation, one could say. Kylo Ren: sexy and infuriating. Intimidating for a multitude of reasons.

She glanced down at her watch. Where was Rose? She should have been here by now, she was always at least five minutes early and the clock was nearing 11:28.

Rey looked around at the already thinning crowd of students. She rolled her eyes. People should at least have the decency to start skipping a few weeks in, not the third day of class. Although, she had to admire those with the balls to skip Kylo Ren’s class. Or maybe they’d already dropped out. Whatever the reason, there were about ten fewer people in the small lecture hall than there had been a week ago. 

The class was relatively large, Rey would guess there were about sixty people currently there. Sixty people plus her, minus Rose. Sixty-one if her friend ever showed up.

Rey resisted the urge to look down at her watch again, but immediately regretted it as her eyes fell to the door Professor Ren entered through.

His head was down and a folder was tucked under his arm. In one hand he held a coffee cup and Rey tried not to wonder if he drank his coffee as black as his soul was. He was dressed in a dark tweed jacket with a black sweater underneath. Rey distinctly did not notice how his pants fit him very well. Today he was wearing glasses. The entire look gave him the appearance of a much softer man than she knew him to be. At first glance, he looked like the gentle, scholarly type. One would never guess that he would tear you apart with just a glance if you simply saw him on the street.

He tossed the folder he had on the desk in front of the hall, turning to scan the students as he raised his coffee cup to his lips.

His eyes roamed the upper rows one by one and Rey held her breath ans she waited for him to look at her.

He set his cup down behind him without looking, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Finally, he looked at her.

His eyes found her as if he was settling there, as if he was going to take his time when looking at her. His eyes had travelled the room, and she was their final destination. 

She tried not to shrink under his gaze, jutting her chin out defiantly.

He just gave her a cruel smirk.

Rose flopped into the seat beside Rey, letting out a long, exasperated breath, “Getting around this campus is hell.”

Rey let out a grunt of acknowledgment, breaking her eye contact with Ren to turn to her friend. 

Rose looked from her to the professor, her eyes holding a question Rey didn’t want to be asked, let alone begin to answer. Rose opened her mouth, but just then she was interrupted.

His low voice cut through the clamor like a hot knife through butter, “Who can tell me who authored the first book in the original _Only Hope_ trilogy?”

No hands raised. Of the people Rey could see, several people seemed to shrink in their seats.

Kylo Ren perched one perfect eyebrow, “Anybody?”

Rose cleared her throat a tiny bit and her hand slowly went into the air.

He nodded towards her, barely even giving her acknowledgment. 

“Benjamin Kenobi did, sir.”

Professor Ren snorted, “Wrong. It’s a common misconception that Ben Kenobi wrote the famous trilogy about space knights and princesses, but in fact, it was Kenobi’s _idea_. The man to actually author the books was a nobody named George Lucas who used Kenobi’s name as a pseudonym.”

Rey shifted in her seat, indignation at the dismissal of Rose battling with her common sense and self-preservation. She tucked her hands under her thighs to prevent them from shooting into the air and correcting Kylo Ren. Yes, George Lucas had written the trilogy, but the _first book_ had been mostly ghost-written by Kenobi. Rose was right. She held back this information, though.

She was confident in her knowledge, but she knew that speaking up would do nothing but cause trouble.

“I ask you this not to simply test your general knowledge, but to make one point very clear: a good story can be authored by anybody. By a nobody.” Professor Ren looked at Rey.

She had become used to his inability to know how long to maintain eye contact with an individual. He didn’t seem to know an appropriate amount of time to look at just one student, jumping from one student to the next, only to linger a touch too long before moving on again. Rey seemed to be a common victim of his _way too long_ eye-contacts. As used to his attention she was, it didn’t stop her from squirming under his gaze.

Professor Ren continued his lecture about how he was tasked with turning a bunch of nobodies into somebody by the end of the semester and how he’d be lucky to even get half a somebody out of the people in this room (Rey rolled her eyes at this). 

She was pretty sure he just liked the sound of his own voice. Not that she could disagree with him. His voice was low and luscious. It almost oozed sex, and had Kylo Ren not been insulting her or her peers every five minutes, she might close her eyes and let his voice lull her into dirty thoughts.

But she would not do that. Because no matter how smooth his voice was, the words were able to seep through to her common sense. Able to still be offended by his off-handed insults and haughty tone.

It was clear Kylo Ren thought he walked on water.

Rey managed to hold her tongue all throughout the lecture, partly because a small part of her was afraid he was going to ask to see her after class to address her e-mail.

He didn’t though. He ended class with an assignment of a ten-page paper due by the end of the week (everybody was smart enough not to groan collectively, but she felt the ire of the students in the room). With that, he picked up his folder of papers and left the room. Not even a proper dismissal.

Rey noticed he had left his empty coffee cup on the front desk. She was too dumbfounded to stand until Rose looked down at her and asked her if she was okay.

She nodded numbly, hardly looking at the sweet-faced girl. Rose began to chatter about the unfairness of the paper he’d assigned and the short deadline he’s given but Rey couldn’t muster enough indignation to contribute.

Instead, Rey was dumbfounded that he hadn’t said a word to her. Maybe he hadn’t gotten her e-mail? Or maybe it hadn’t really been as mocking as she’d thought? Maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay. _Or maybe,_ a small voice whispered in the back of her mind, _everything was about to get much worse._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year :)
> 
> thank you to those that are reading and those that have left kudos!!! i am surprised anyone is even reading this, tbh. the reylo writing community is so, so fucking talented so i know i am but a worm amongst kings but i really hope you guys enjoy this. i think it's going to fun places, so stick around <3
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited (if you see anything wrong feel free to point it out)
> 
> follow me on tumblr: @supremefuckingleader or @teetering-dinosaur (i make funny textposts sometimes, or you can feel free to just come say hi)

It took Rey exactly three hours after class was dismissed to register that Kylo Ren had assigned a ten-page short story due in less than four days. What kind of sadistic man did that in the second week of classes? Rey didn’t know if he realized they had other classes and jobs and needed to sleep or if he thought all of their free-time outside of seeing him three hours a week was spent staring at a blank wall.

Nevertheless, Rey knew she had to outline and draft as soon as possible to give herself ample time to actually compose and edit the final draft. She dreaded the thought of getting the grades back for this assignment. She knew that she couldn’t write a solid ten-page anything in less than four days, never mind the fact that a short story that met Kylo Ren’s expectations was something she’d never had to work on before, and she didn’t know where to begin.

“Finn!” She barked into her phone as soon as her roommate picked up.

“What?” He rasped, his voice sounding suspiciously low and worn-out.

“Where are you?” She asked instead of bringing up the reason she’d actually called him.

“At Poe’s.”

“Ew.” Rey shuddered but plowed ahead, “I need your help.”

“Kinda busy right now, sunshine.”

Rey gagged loudly.

“What do you want, Rey?”

“Kylo Ren assigned a ten-page short story due Friday.” She informed him.

“Yeah, he does that.”

Rey let out an exasperated squeak, “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ve never written anything for this man and it needs to be  _ good _ . Help me.”

Finn sighed, “I’ll help you tonight, okay, peanut? It’ll be okay. I can see if I still have my old papers saved, too, maybe they could help.”

“I love you, you’re the best!”

Rey could hear the smile in his voice, “I know, and I know. I’ll see you tonight. Now I’m going to go back to suc-”

Rey hung up before Finn could finish his sentence, not wanting to hear what exact he would go back to doing. Rey wasn’t a prude but there was only so much information about your best friend that you needed to know. And what he was doing or not doing to his boyfriend currently is not one of the things that Rey needed to know.

And, maybe she was a little bit of a prude. But just when it came to other people’s sex lives. It made her uncomfortable to hear all the lurid details. She didn’t know to know how big or how long or how many. In fact, all she needed to know was her own sex life. Or lack thereof.

Rey looked around the small coffee shop she was in. It wasn’t much, but it was the only full shop on campus that wasn’t filled with freshman. There were three tables and a small bar where you could sit and study. Most of the seating was outside which only became a problem a few times a year when it would rain or even snow. Rey was tucked inside as to avoid the breeze that would blow all of her papers across the far corners of campus.

She watched a small group of grad students cross the courtyard outside to get to the chemistry labs and sighed. She needed to start her applications soon. 

Just as Rey was about to turn away from the window, she caught a dark figure pulling open the door to the coffee shop she was in. 

Her heart sunk into her stomach as she took in the broad shoulders and long hair of Professor Kylo Ren. It was bad enough she had to see him once today, now he was in her coffee shop and- he was looking at her.

“Good afternoon.” Rey said, her voice a lot steadier than she had thought, considering how her hands were shaking and her heart was pounding.

He nodded to her, glancing away to look at the menu posted above the order counter, even though she was sure he already knew what he wanted.

The barista, a tired looking girl with a textbook open behind the counter, greeted him.

Rey tried to look at her laptop, her papers, her planner, anywhere but him. Really, though, it wasn’t her fault she couldn’t keep her eyes off of him. Not only was he terrifying as hell, but he was so damn big. He seemed to take up half of the small space all by himself.

Rey managed to look as if she wasn’t staring at him when he turned around, hip leaning against the counter as he waited for his coffee.

She could feel his eyes on her, and she made a big show of typing something out on her computer- what it was, she didn’t know. A bunch of nonsense. She was sure that even if she wasn’t acutely aware of him watching her that she wouldn’t have been able to type anything worthwhile as long as he was in her vicinity. 

The barista handed him a cup that he took without even looking at her or thanking her.

Rey’s eyes widened as he strolled over to her, resting a hand on the chair opposite her as if he would pull it out and sit down at any moment.

“Um, hi.”  _ Good job on not stuttering, Rey. 10 points for socialization, 5 for keeping your cool while being in front of a scary man.  
_

“Rey.” It wasn’t a greeting so much as an acknowledgment of existence.

She hesitated. He had a reason for being here, surely. Nobody just stood across from somebody without intention. She decided to play the waiting game. She peered up at him with a smile, blinking her eyes expectantly.

His eyes scanned her and for some reason she found herself feeling flushed under his gaze. He seemed to take his time analyzing her before finally opening his mouth and speaking.

“You should be more careful, when composing your e-mails," He drawled, "One might think you’re mocking them.”

“I-I would never mock anyone, sir," It was a lie. She knew it and he knew it. His eyes narrowed at her, just slightly, regardless, she continued, "certainly not a professor, I-”

He waved a hand in front of her, and the gesture looked foreign to him. Too casual for the man standing in front of her, too casual for this... confrontation of his. “Oh, of course you wouldn’t, I was just taking the chance to warn you. You wouldn’t want to get on anyone’s bad side, would you?”

Rey’s face was on fire, and a million thoughts popped into her mind, none of them nice. _It’s hard not get on your bad side, when a good side doesn’t exist_. For once, though, Rey was able to hold her tongue. 

“No, sir, I wouldn’t.” Her eyes fell from his, unable to take his eyes boring into hers any longer. Instead, she found herself looking at the way his jacket fit nicely across his shoulders. It looked tailored. He had money, possibly more money than his profession brought in. You didn't get a jacket looking that nice, made of that material, for cheap.  


He hummed lightly, “Well, glad we’re agreed on something. I’ll see you in class, Rey.”

Rey. He had called her by her first name for the first time. Twice.  _ Rey. _

~*~~*~~*~

She couldn’t get the sound of his voice saying her name out of her head. She didn’t konw why the track was on repeat in her mind. Okay, that was a lie. She did. No matter how much she tried to deny it, she couldn’t. He was attractive- probably the most attractive man she’d ever encountered in real life. And his  _ voice _ . It haunted her dreams. She imagined what it would sound like in different contexts.

What would he sound like when his voice was barely restrained with anger? What would it sound like after he’d belly-laughed? What would it sound like when he whispered? When he was out of breath? When-

Those thoughts led to a dangerous place, one Rey couldn’t or wouldn’t venture into. Thoughts like those led to dangerous actions. Especially considering Kylo Ren was about as warm to her as a block of ice. If she even thought about flirting with him, she was sure some ghost of Kylo Ren would appear to her to scold her and demand she write a paper about appropriate behavior and how hers was decidedly not.  


Plus, Rey was  _ not _ attracted to his attitude. Not in the least.

He was hostile and rude and off-standish and arrogant and just plain nasty. That was not sexy. 

Rey told herself this over and over as she slogged through writing page after page for the story he’d assigned. Rey had managed to get a good six pages out of her first draft, but trying to fluff her paper up to ten pages was proving less than fruitful.

Going through Finn’s old papers had helped, a bit, surprisingly. She could track his progression throughout Kylo Ren’s class and had noticed how his grades improved with the addition of more fleshed out plots and better character development. Half-way through reading Finn’s stories, Finn started ranting about how terrible of a person Kylo Ren was and how taking his class had been the worst time of his life.

_ “He  _ what _?” Rey laughed, one of Finn’s short stories written for the evil bastard(as Finn liked to call him) forgotten in her hand as she waved her hand, “Stop, I can’t breathe!” _

_ Finn nodded, laughing along with her, “Yeah, he literally told this girl that if she ever managed to publish anything, he would personally make it his mission to find and destroy every copy of it because it would be a disgrace to the world of literature.” _

_ “That’s despicable.” Rey shook her head, “I can’t believe he would be so cruel.” _

_ “You can’t?” Finn sounded incredulous. _

_ Rey thought about it, “Okay maybe I can, but that poor girl! I wonder how awful she must have felt.” _

_ “Oh, don’t feel too bad. Phasma was as evil as Ren and her writing  _ was _ bad. Still, he didn’t have to tell her that in front of everyone.” _

Rey now shuddered at the thought of his feedback. Finn’s work was peppered with curt comments and large chunks crossed out. Question marks marred some paragraphs with “this makes no fucking sense” scrawled in the margins. Rey, as much as she despised to admit it, placed way too much value on feedback (even from Kylo Ren) and any kind of negative feedback felt like a personal attack.

Rey was dreading the moment she would get her story back, red sharpie covering the pages, mocking her. 

Kylo Ren wasn’t just vicious with his grading and feedback- he was accurate. Everything he had pointed out in Finn’s papers was valid. Sure, he was a little harsh when he told Finn that he “couldn’t use a semi-colon to save his life” but Finn  _ had _ misplaced it a few too many times. Not that she would mention that to him. Any time she tried to defend Kylo’s grammar policing, she got called a bootlicker by her best friend.

The worst part of it all, Rey decided, wasn’t that she dreaded his harsh feedback, rather it was the fact that Rey knew she was upset to know this story would affect his opinion of her. He would know her on a more intimate level after reading it. Their short interactions thus far hadn’t been near enough to get a proper feel for her as a person, but after reading ten pages of her writing, he would know her. He would know her vocabulary, he would know her syntax pattern. He would know thoughts she held and the ideas and stories she could come up with. He would know an intimate part of her that few people ever had. She barely allowed Finn access to her writing and only then she asked for minor bits of feedback.

Usually, a professor reading her writing wouldn’t scare her. Not with professors like Leia Organa or Amylin Holdo, or even her weird professor from freshman year, Gial Ackbar. They were just professors, doing their jobs. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that Kylo Ren would judge her. And, for whatever reason, she wanted him to like her, or at the very least acknowledge her intelligence. 

By this Friday, Kylo Ren would have everything he needed in his hands to make a well-informed and scathing opinion of Rey as a person, and that (coupled with the fact that she even cared what he thought of her) was the part that terrified her. 

~*~~*~~*~

She had done it. It was three a.m. in the morning, but she had finished writing. All that Rey had to do now was edit it. No big deal, she could do that. The paper was due in four hours (what kind of psychopath makes things due at seven a.m. Friday morning?), but she could do it. She just needed a new cup of coffee.

She trudged out of her bedroom, empty “join the dark side, we have cookies” mug in hand. She was surprised to see a light on in the kitchen at this time of night. Usually, Finn was a stickler for going to bed by 2, no matter what he had due in the morning.

As she squinted her way down the hallway, she heard the water running from the tap. “Finn?”

“Afraid not, beautiful.” Poe’s low voice reached out to her, “Why are you up so late?”

Rey turned around the corner, finding a shirtless Poe standing at the sink washing dishes from dinner earlier tonight. “Could ask you the same thing.”

Poe looked over his shoulder at her, “Ah, I know that look.” He looked at the mug in her hand, “Finn said you have a short story due for Kylo Ren in the morning.”

“Finn would be right.”

Poe smiled, turning back to the dishes. Rey almost gagged at the sheer love in his voice when he said, “Yeah, he’s good at that. Being right, I mean.”

Rey placed her mug under the Keurig and pressed a few buttons, cringing at the supersonic noises the machine made as it began to brew her coffee. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“Oh, never!” he laughed, water lightly slapping against the sides of the sink.

Rey felt herself smile. She was happy for Finn. And Poe, who was becoming a fast friend. They both deserved the kind of happiness they were able to find with each other. She tried not to be jealous, really she did. She just couldn’t help that small green monster in the back of her mind that reared its ugly head when she saw happy couples and families. Something she desperately craved, but never had.

Poe finished washing the dishes and picked up the towel.

“Hey, you know you don’t have to do those, right? Finn or I can do them later.”

“Oh, I don’t mind. Gives me time to think,” he shrugged, smiling at her.

Rey cocked her head, “About what?”

Poe dried a bowl as he thought about his response, “Stuff. Life.” He smiled shyly, “Finn.”

“Is it... nice? Having a boyfriend?” She asked delicately.

Poe’s eyes didn’t fill with pity as he took her in, something she appreciated about the man. She hated pity.

“It is. It’s different. Not what I’m used to, but it’s nice. I don’t really do relationships, you know, but Finn... he’s made an honest man out of me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m happy with him.”

Rey’s coffee had been done for a while, and she turned to put cream and sugar in it. “He’s happy, too, Poe. You’re good for him. You’re both good for each other.”

Poe picked up a plate, “Why do you ask, Rey?”

Rey hesitated, stirring her coffee for much longer than it needed. “I was just wondering. I’ve never dated anyone before. I don’t know what it’s like.”

Poe nodded, knowing all of this already, “I don’t know how to describe it. It’s something you have to experience, I’m sorry to say. But I can tell you this: it’s not what you’re expecting. Whatever you think it will be like, it’ll be different. Not good or bad different, but different for sure.”

“It’s good, though, right?”

“Yeah, it’s real good. Even when you’re not having sex.” He winked at her, his hands now drying a fork.

Rey blushed and took a drink of her coffee in order to hide her face. She hurriedly made her way back to her room.

Poe laughed at her retreating back, calling after her, “Go get ‘em, tiger!”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey managed to turn the paper in three minutes before the deadline. She hadn’t finished editing it, but she’d rather take the chance of him not noticing a few commas out of place than a guaranteed late penalty. Not that she thought Kylo Ren would ever be able to miss a rogue comma, but one could hope.

Friday she had only one class, so the minute she had clicked submit, she passed out. And yeah, maybe she had skipped her discussion at 2. But who could honestly blame her after pumping out a ten-page short story in four days and pulling an all-nighter?

~*~~*~~*~

The weekend passed in an agonizing blur. Things moved at a snail’s pace, yet on Monday morning she couldn’t track where all the time had gone. All she knew was that she had exactly 26 and a half hours until she was back in Kylo’s class and (hopefully) got her grade for her short story.

~*~~*~~*~

14 hours...

2 hours...

...3 minutes.

~*~~*~~*~

Her knee was bouncing wildly and eventually Rose slapped her hand on Rey’s knee. 

“Sorry.” She whispered to the girl beside her.

Rose smiled, “It’s okay. I’m nervous, too. I don’t think I did very well.”

Rey nodded, “Yeah. Finn never averaged above an 85 on his assignments for Professor Ren, so I’m expecting a 60, maybe. His first story got a 65.”

Rose blew a air out of her cheeks, “Yikes.”

Rey nodded again. She was a bobble-head. “Yeah. Yikes.”

Kylo Ren swept into the room at exactly 11:30, a stack of papers in his hands. Their papers.

“I’ll be passing these out at the end of class.” He held them up, an evil look on his face, as if he knew he was putting them through torture. 

Rey could practically feel every person in the room roll their eyes at the delay.

Time passed even more slowly than it had the previous weekend. Rey didn’t process a word Kylo Ren said and after five minutes, starting recording him because she knew she wouldn’t absorb anything today. Too much anxiety knotted in her stomach for her to focus on anything other than watching his hands wave through the air, and hearing the low rumble of his voice.

He was a pretty man. A pretty, cruel man.

Rey’s knee bounced still, slower, though, as to not annoy Rose. Not that she would be annoyed, as half-way through class, her own knee had started to bounce, too.

In fact, near the end of class almost every person Rey could see was fidgeting in some way or another. The boy in the row in front of her was spinning his pen around his thumb. The girl too seats down from him was twirling and tugging on her hair.

Finally, Kylo Ren ended his lecture on whatever the hell he’d been talking about and unclasped the large binder clip holding all of their papers together. A collective sigh released from all the students in the room as he called out the first student’s name.

The girl rushed down from nearly the top row, grabbing her paper from the professor and flipping to the back page instantly. Her shoulders dropped and Rey averted her eyes as the girl made her way back to the top of the lecture hall, shrugging her backpack on and leaving through the door with a loud bang.

By the time Rey turned her attention back to Kylo Ren, he’d given three more students their essays.

Rey had read Harry Potter as a young girl, and she’d never quite understood the agonizing wait Harry had faced waiting for the sorting hat until that very moment. Kylo wasn’t calling names out alphabetically. In fact, there was no order to the name that Rey could make out. Rose had gotten called twelfth.

“Want me to wait for you?” Rose asked.

Rey shook her head, “No, it’s fine, Rose. I’ll let you know how I did soon.” She gave her friend a weak smile and wave as Rose departed.

Rey tried to sit still as name after name was called, but eventually she had shouldered her backpack and was sitting on the edge of her seat when finally he called to her in the near-empty lecture hall, “Miss Niima.”

Rey hopped over the row of seats in front of her, unable to wait the time it would take to actually walk up front. She grabbed her paper from Kylo’s hands and ran out of the hall, not bothering to look at the grade while he was in her presence. She didn’t want him to see the devastation on her face when she saw her grade.

Rey stopped just outside of the lecture hall and paused, looking at the nearly blank front page of her paper. It was just a title page. She hadn’t anticipated any writing on it, but the black and white made her uneasy.  She closed her eyes for a second and clutched the paper to her chest tightly,  _ I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry. _

Her eyes snapped open. 

She flipped to the back page, heart thundering in her rib cage.

93.

Her jaw muscles ceased to work. She’d always thought jaw-dropping was an exaggeration, yet there she was. Slack jawed, staring at the number on the page. She looked up and around, as if expecting somebody to confirm it for her. Nobody did, but as she looked to her right, she saw a dark head ducking into a hallway, an unreadable expression upon his face.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i have no plans for this fic, don't get too attached pls  
> y'all: *are attached*
> 
> no but in all seriousness, thank you guys so much for reading and leaving kudos and commenting!! it's really encouraging because honestly i didn't expect anything out of this fic but i'm actually really enjoying writing it and i have some fun things planned so yeah :) i hope you guys enjoy reading it as much as i enjoy writing it. i've said it before and i'll say it again: reylo writers are so fucking talented and i'm just kinda here so it's crazy to think people are reading this when they could be reading such better stuff so from the bottom of my small heart, thank you so so much
> 
> enjoy the chapter!!
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow me on tumblr: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur (come talk to me about how tros broke your heart and i'll tell you how it broke mine. or we can talk about the john boyega scandal or adam driver's long legs. whatever, really, it's up to you)

Rey was so dumbfounded at the 93 scrawled on her paper that it took her a solid minute to process there was more. A small note, nothing of significance, really. Except Kylo Ren didn’t do anything that wasn’t of significance. 

“Good -R” the note read.

Just like his e-mail. Just like her reply. Three -R’s to haunt her when she was twenty years older and couldn’t sleep because all of her most cringe-worthy moments were repeating on a loop. 

Rey didn’t know whether to laugh or groan or roll her eyes, so she did a weird combination of the three and was immediately glad that no one was around to witness that humiliating action. Just another thing to add to her late-night highlight reel.

A 93. Rey flipped through the rest of her short story, hoping for more notes to tell her what she’d done well and what she needed to fix, but there was nothing. Just a 93 written in red sharpie, along with his note.

Rey double- and triple-checked for anything of import other than her grade, but there was absolutely nothing to be seen.

Disappointment washed over her in a wave. Had he even graded it? Or had he taken one look at her name printed on the front and decided she wasn’t worth grading because she’d been a brat to him?

Rey suddenly felt disgusted with her A. She hadn’t earned it. It was worse than it pity grade, it was a grade given out of annoyance and him wanting to be done with her.

She stuffed the paper in her bag and turned to the left but something pulled her back.

Something red and hot burned in her, a coal that had been lit after her disappointment had faded. 

She turned on her heel and marched in the direction that she’d seen Professor Ren turn. She knew vaguely where his office was, based on the general layout of the building. 

Rey didn’t know if he would be there, but she was willing to take the chance. 

Common sense tried to worm its way into her brain, but she quickly shut it down. She was tired of Kylo Ren’s attitude and okay, maybe she was being difficult, but he wasn’t making anything easier, either.

Rey’s eyes scanned the name plates by each door, trying to find the one that said “Kylo Ren”. His office was all the way at the end of the dimly lit hall. If Rey were the type to fear shady places, she might think twice about walking down her alone late at night, but as it was, Rey had long ago lost her fear of cramped or dark or lonely places. Foster care had confronted her with every fear she might have even thought of having.

Rey knocked on the door and shifted on her feet as she waited for a response.

“Come in,” his voice called from within and Rey cursed the way her heart picked up its pace at the sound of his voice. 

She was just afraid, she decided. Afraid to confront Kylo Ren about not having properly graded her paper. Maybe on second thought this wasn’t such a good idea, actually.

Rey was just about to turn away when the door open, a scowling man looking down at her. Rey had never taken the time to clock his height while she was standing next to him, but now that she did she noticed that he was too damn tall for his own good.

“Yes?” He hissed out, his brown eyes- he had brown eyes, Rey noted- simmering.

“I-I just... I’m sorry. I know you don’t have office hours right now but-”

“Come in.” He held the door open for her, nodding her in.

Rey gave him a smile of thanks and stepped into his office. It wasn’t at all what she was expecting, not that she had been expecting anything. It just struck her as off. He seemed like such an orderly guy, it seemed wrong somehow that his office was not.

There were books everywhere, towering stacks on his desk, novels shoved into spaces on the bookshelf, a few littered the floor near his feet, a pile of them on one of the two chairs across from his desk. There were papers haphazardly put into stacks where books weren’t covering his desk and the only clear bit of space she could see was in front of his large mac screen, a screensaver slideshow of mountain landscapes bouncing around. On a couch in the back corner, a piece of furniture that seemed placed almost as an afterthought, a large, heavy looking messenger bag was strewn across the cushions, binders and pencils spilling out as if he’d been rifling through it before she had interrupted him.

“Take a seat, Rey.”

She obliged, sitting in the chair that didn’t have a pile of books on it across from his desk. 

He stepped his way through the mess, seeming to know exact where to land his feet so none of the book piles toppled over or got crushed by his massive size.

Rey waited until he was sitting to say, “Did you even read my story?”

He had the decency to look surprised. “What?”

Rey pulled the crumpled papers from her backpack, trying to flatten out the pages, “There are no comments, no corrections, no nothing.”

“That can’t be right,” He reached out for her paper, and she handed it to him reluctantly. He flipped to the last page where he’d put her grade and his note and pointed, “Here it is.”

Rey took in the smug smirk on his face, “You can’t be serious.”

“Deadly.”

Rey sputtered, “B-but! That’s nothing! That doesn’t tell me anything. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Frame it?”

Rey took a deep breath, trying to stop herself from flinging herself across his desk and choking him until he turned purple, “Sir, I just don’t understand why there isn’t more detailed feedback.” Her voice was terse and she could see that her nice words weren’t hiding the way she felt at all.

Kylo shrugged at her, “You don’t need it.”

“I assure you that I do.”

“And I’m saying-” he shoved the paper back across the desk to her, “you don’t.”

“So you’re saying everything was perfect and nothing needed to be fixed?”

The look of incredulity on his face made Rey even embarrassed to have suggested such a thing, “No, there was plenty wrong with it.”

Rey didn’t even have time to be offended as she threw her hands up in the air, exclaiming, “Then bloody tell me what to fix!”

“What are you asking for, here, Rey?”

“I would appreciate some more detailed feedback. Please.” She added as an afterthought.

He shook his head and Rey distinctly did  _ not _ notice how his hair swayed with the motion almost hypnotically, “I can’t give you that.”

“And why not?”

“Ah, finally she asks the right question,” Kylo gave her an almost genuine smile, “I can’t give you more detailed feedback because that’s what you have to figure out for yourself. I’m not going to carry you on my back throughout this class. You have to decide what’s good and what isn’t. What works and what doesn’t. I’m supposed to teach you how to write good fantasy. The best way to learn is through your own failure. Take another look at your story, Rey, and  _ you _ tell  _ me _ what needs changing.”

The short story was once again in his hand, being held out to her. 

“How am I supposed to know when I get it right?”

Kylo shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“That’s not helpful.”

Kylo’s smile was anything but kind, “I don’t pride myself in my ability to help others, Miss Niima.”

Rey opened her mouth to say something, but she didn’t know what. Instead, she rose from her seat and grabbed her story from Kylo Ren’s outstretched hand.

Rey walked to the door but hesitated with her hand on the door knob, “Professor?”

“Yes?” his voice was impatient, but he’d still answered, so Rey would ask.

She turned around to look at him, “Why did Professor Skywalker have to leave so suddenly?”

Kylo’s face showed the initial shock of her question for only a second before it quickly turned to a scowl the likes of which Rey had never seen before.

“That’s not any of your business.”

Rey nodded. She knew it was none of her business, but was still curious as hell as to what brought about the sudden change.

“Sorry I asked. I’ll see you on Thursday.” She said, opening the door and ducking out.

Right as the door closed softly behind her she heard, “See you, Rey.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey didn’t know why she bothered editing her story. It wasn’t like she had to turn it in for a new grade or anything. There was no potential in the story, she knew that, but something Kylo had said had really stuck with her. She hated to admit it, but he was right. Failure was the greatest teacher. 

She sat on the beat-up couch that she and Finn may or may not have picked up off the side of the road, highlighter between her teeth and pen scratching out a section of her story.

She nearly jumped three feet in the air when Poe and Finn bust into the apartment, giggling like schoolgirls.

“Oh, shh! Rey is studying. What are you studying, Rey, is it for Mr. Grouchy Pants?” Finn slurred and Rey rolled her eyes.

“I thought I told you to take care of him, Poe.” Rey looked over the back of the couch to see Finn with his arm slung around his boyfriend.

Poe winced a little under Finn’s weight, “Don’t blame me, he was already half-drunk when I got to the bar.”

Rey just turned away from them, shaking her head, “Well, hopefully his hangover will teach him a lesson.”

Poe came around to dump Finn next to Rey, and stood up right, rubbing his shoulder, “Damn, you’re heavy.”

Finn turned puppy-dog eyes on his boyfriend, “Why would you say that?”

Poe’s eyes filled with panic, “No, babe, that’s not- I just meant you weren’t supporting yourself and I- it’s all muscle, babe, you know that.”

Finn didn’t look any less hurt, but he also didn’t look like he was taking it too seriously so Poe nodded and turned to Rey.

“If you need to go, I can take care of him,” she offered.

“Nah, you’re studying. I’ll stick around,” He sat in the chair opposite the couch and propped his feet up on the coffee table.

“I’m not actually studying,” Rey told Poe and Finn’s head dropped to her shoulder. She reached up and pat his head absentmindedly, “I’m just revising this story.”

“The story Ren assigned you?”

Rey nodded.

“How come?”

Finn leaned forward to Poe and whispered, “It’s because he’s hot.”

Rey blushed and shook her head, “That is not- what do you know, you’re drunk!”

Poe tried to contain his laughter, and managed it pretty successfully. Rey still shot him a glare. 

“I’m doing it because... because he said failure is a great teacher. And he’s right. I need to learn, so...” Rey trailed off, unsure of how to justify it.

“I get it.” Poe said, but his eyes told Rey that he wasn’t completed convinced.

Finn started humming lowly, and once he realized that he had both Poe and Rey’s attention, he started to sing,  _ “You want a Maserati? You want Kylo Ren’s hot body? You better learn, bitch,” _ and immediately bust out laughing at his own cleverness.

Rey blushed profusely. 

“You mixed up hot body and Maserati,” Rey informed him, unable to come up with any kind of particularly intelligent come-back.

“And both of you left out Bugatti.” Poe sang.

Finn looked personally affronted, “I can’t believe I fucked up Britney lyrics.”

Rey patted his knee, “It’s okay, Finnamin-roll, you’re drunk.”

Sober Finn would deny it to the grave, but Poe and Rey both witnessed as Finn preened and snuggled further into Rey’s neck at the affectionate nickname, “Love you, peanut.”

Rey just shook her head. Finn had always been a sucker for physical affection, from day one. Over time he had learned that Rey was less than touchy-feely, but every now and then, she allowed him to hug her, or lay his head on her lap. Rey had thanked her lucky stars that Poe had come along to take the brunt of Finn’s PDA, but she would be lying if she said she hadn’t missed it, just a tiny bit.

“Love you, too, Finn.”

“And I love both of you!” Poe exclaimed, obviously feeling left out.

“Shut up, Poe, you know I love you!” Finn nearly yelled at the man, throwing a pillow in Poe’s direction. It hit Poe on the shoulder, and he pretended to be knocked back.

Rey rolled her eyes as Poe began to pick a fight with his drunk boyfriend, eventually luring Finn to his side, where he threw an arm over him and kissed his forehead, “I love you, too, Finn.”

Finn outright giggled (something he would also deny later).

Poe once again turned to Rey, “So are you gonna let Kylo take another look at your story when you’re done editing it?”

Rey shook her head, “Nah, he wouldn’t want that. I’m sure he’s got enough on his plate already, being a professor and everything. Plus, he doesn’t even know I’m editing this.” She gestured to her paper, “And he told me he wouldn’t give me any real feedback anyways, so what’s the point?”

“The point is to challenge him,” Poe said simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Rey’s eyebrows raised, “Challenge him? To what, a duel?”

Poe laughed, “As much as I’d like to see that, no. Just to, you know, let him know. That you aren’t messing around with this, you’re taking it seriously. He told you that to learn you needed to fail. Well, the next step in that is to succeed. Show him you’re going to succeed.”

Rey mulled it over in her mind before clarifying, “So, I bring him the revised version to challenge him? Tell him I’m not fucking around with this?”

“But you might be fucking around with him.” Finn added helpfully.

Poe turned to his boyfriend, “Is there something you’d like to tell me, Finn?”

Finn sat up, “Oh, no, baby, I just mean he’s hot and Rey is hot and they would make hot babies. You know I only wanna make hot babies with you, Poe.”

Rey cringed at Finn’s words but Poe seemed placated, so he turned back to Rey, “It’s not what he’s expecting, Rey, he thinks the worst of everyone. Show him that you’re different. Challenge his expectations. I just want to see what Kylo Ren does when he’s thrown off balance.”

Rey looked down at the marked up paper in her hands, her notes scrawled in the margins. She narrowed her eyes at her chicken-scratch handwriting. She’d had to teach herself how to write her letters when she was younger. A few of her foster homes hadn’t bothered to put her in school so up until an age where she could go herself, she’d had a pretty spotty education.

“Do you think he’d even accept it?”

Poe shrugged, “I’m not sure that it matters whether he accepts it and actually reads it over again or not. What matters is that he knows you are not going to be an easy target for him.”

Rey nodded, “You’re right.”

Poe nodded, a smile dawning his face, “That’s my girl.”

Rey sunk down into the couch, and with renewed vigor began to scratch out sentences and edit word choices. With any luck, the next time she saw Kylo Ren she could hand him her revised short story and ask that he take another look.

~*~~*~~*~

She was standing in line with Rose at the coffee shop, chatting about which dining hall had had the worst food freshman year (Rey insisted it was Jakku’s while Rose thought it was Canto Bites because she “didn’t trust what went on behind the scenes just because the food was edible and the table were clean”) when the opportunity came.

Kylo Ren had ducked into the coffee shop and stood in line behind them. 

Rose widened her eyes at Rey as if to say, “Let’s ignore him.”

Rey smiled and finished what she was currently saying, “...and anyways, I’m pretty sure that I found a roach in my salad once at Jakku’s, so I think I win,” with that Rey casually glanced around and upon seeing her professor said, “Oh, hi, Professor Ren! How are you?”

Rose closed her eyes and breathed deeply through her nose beside Rey but Rey just ignored her.

Kylo Ren still seemed to be recovering from either being spotted or hearing about Rey’s roach salad when he said, “Uh, hi.”

The line moved up a bit and all three of them shuffled forward a few steps. 

Rey tried to think of an interesting segue into handing him her revised paper but couldn’t come up with anything until Rose said, “So, professor, why do you come to this coffee shop? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a professor here. It’s mostly upperclassmen and grad students.”

The man looked around as if he hadn’t noticed the younger crowd around him, but instead of answering replied, “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.” 

Rose’s face fell and she turned away from the man.

Rey, undeterred, said, “I think she was just being polite, professor. No need to be rude.”

Rose whipped her head towards Rey with wide eyes, hissing, “ _ Rey. _ ”

Rey ignored her, still gazing at Kylo Ren who looked like he could summon a thunderstorm and zap Rey with a lightening bolt right about now. That is to say, he did not look happy.

Rey smiled at his scowling face and turned away for a second to let tension ease. When she noticed that his scowl had turned into more of a slight frown, she turned back to him.

“So, professor, are you an iced latte man or a black coffee man?”

Kylo gave a long-suffering sigh, as if talking to Rey was the worst thing he would have to do all year, but gritted out, “Black coffee. No sugar.”

“Figures.” Rey quipped, keeping up a sunny demeanor. 

Ren’s brow furrowed at that, two perfectly straight lines creasing between his eyebrows. Rey tried not to notice how her stomach flipped as his eyes scanned her face curiously.

“I’m an iced latte gal myself, and Rose likes anything that has coffee but doesn’t actually taste like coffee.”

He nodded, not in the least bit interested.

Rey cleared her throat, now or never. “So, it’s actually pretty lucky that we ran into each other-” (at this, Rose huffed lightly) “-because I wanted to ask you if you’d mind taking another look at my short story? I thought about what you said, and you’re right. I revised it, and I just wanted some feedback.”

Kylo Ren’s eyes bored into hers. His face was blank. No surprise, no anger, nothing. But in his brown eyes, she could see millions of thoughts and questions dancing there. She just couldn’t keep up with the emotions flickering from one to the other as fast as light speed.

Rose stepped up to the counter to order, giving Rey and the professor more privacy.

“You-” he stopped for a minute before continuing, “you actually revised your entire story?”

Rey nodded, a lump forming in her throat. She had fucked up. Poe had fucked up by telling her to ask him. 

“And you want me to take time out of my day to read over it again, provide you feedback, all for no benefits to either one of us?”

“Well, I think it benefits me quite well.” Rey had to turn away from him at this, quickly placing her order. 

Her fingers tapped on the counter as her card was being read by the machine. God, since when had these things taken this long? The machine finally beeps and Rey slid her card out, smiling at the cashier and taking her receipt as she stepped to the side.

“Small black coffee, please.” Kylo’s deep voice rumbled, his tone even. As he paid, he looked over to Rey, “Benefits for you. But none for me.”

Rey thought for a second, “Well, is the pleasure of knowing you helped a young scholar on her path to better her craft not enough benefit for you?”

Kylo grabbed his receipt from the barista and they both walked over to where Rose was waiting for her coffee.

Kylo snorted, “No, that’s not enough benefit for me. I don’t have time to read anything that I haven’t assigned you.”

Rey tried not to let her disappointment show as she nodded.

“But maybe,” he said, “If we can come up with a way that it does benefit me, I would consider taking a look at it.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, “What do you have in mind?”

Kylo smiled wickedly at her, “I’ve been roped into teaching another course this semester, a freshman seminar. It’s just basic writing and whatnot, but I have a lot of non majors in there. I can hardly get through their essays without wanting to slit someone’s throat.”

Rey’s face must have shown her surprise at his candor because he quickly continued, “As an English major, I trust you’re able to read, and you probably have much more patience than I. If you grade a few essays for me, I’ll look at your story again.”

Rey hardly gave it a second thought before she was sticking her hand out, “Deal.”

Kylo hesitated before grasping his hand in hers. Rey did not notice how small and delicate her hands were compared to his massive ones. His hand completely engulfed hers. She also didn’t think about how this was the first time she’d ever touched Kylo Ren. And she most definitely did not enjoy the dry warmth of his hand that made her shiver because her hands had been so cold. No, because if she had done any of those things, she might have to think about why and that, Rey thought, could be a dangerous road to go down.  


“Deal.” (Rey also didn’t notice how his voice sent more shivers down her spine.)

Rose was handing Rey her coffee, “Here, Rey, we have to go now.”

Rey nodded to her friend, “Thanks.”

“I’ll e-mail you a time you can come by to grade those essays.” Kylo said, his eyes glimmering with something Rey didn’t have the courage to inspect.

Rey nodded, watching him as she exited the coffee shop. What the hell had she just agreed to? Was this kind of thing even allowed? Probably not, but if anyone could get away with it, it would be Kylo Ren.

Rose was busy asking her just what the fuck she was thinking and Rey just shrugged. The truth was, she hadn’t been thinking. Not about anything important, at least. She should’ve been thinking about her story, or the workload she’d just signed on for, or the possible illegality of it all. But she hadn’t been thinking about any of that. Instead, she’d been thinking about how pretty Kylo’s eyes were and how cozy his office had been.

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this,” Rose warned her.

That was something Rey could agree with. Whatever had just happened, Rey knew one thing: she was about to be in a whole new world of trouble.  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi. i'm ahead in my writing so i figured why the hell shouldn't i post what's just sitting there collecting dust. don't come to rely on this kind of productivity from me. i'm extremely lazy and subject to writers block at any point. tbh, the only reason i'm able to write this much is because i'm still on break from school and bored out of my mind 
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited, as per usual
> 
> follow me on tumblr! you can come chat and ask me things like "what's your favorite color?" (blue) or "what's your greatest fear?" (probably unsteady ladders or being unloved) or even "are you as socially awkward irl as you are online?" (hell yep, even more so if you can believe it) @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur

The e-mail Rey received from Kylo was in her inbox not five minutes after she had left the coffee shop.

> _ Rey, _
> 
> _ I assume you are free Tuesdays after class, as that’s when you came to interrogate me about your short story initially. That would be the most convenient time for me to meet. If you have any time conflicts with that, let me know but otherwise that will be our set meeting time. Bring your story and a pen to grade with. Don’t forget about your response to the readings that is due Monday night. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey debated for a hot minute just sending back a thumbs-up emoji, but thought that would be too much, especially after she had just chastised him for being rude to Rose. Instead, she settled on:

> _ Professor,  _
> 
> _ That works for me. Interrogate is a strong word. Readings are already turned in. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey smirked as she hit send on her response. Kylo Ren was a smartass, but she could be one, too.  


Within seconds, she had a reply.

> _ Would you prefer cross-examine? Or perhaps grill? Maybe you gave me the third degree? _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey rolled her eyes, her response sent before she could even think twice about it.

> _ I see you own a thesaurus. I would have assumed a professor of English literature wouldn’t need to stoop to using such menial tools to mock students. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey swore she didn’t smile as his response came in. Nor did she let out a small laugh at his words.

> _ Mock is a strong word. And if you’re going to accuse me of such base behavior, I might as well point out: you started it. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey said simply:

> _ Touché, professor. _
> 
> _ -R _

“Why are you smiling at your phone like a maniac?” Rose asked her. 

Okay, so maybe she had smiled at Ren’s words to her.

“Nothing, just this meme on tumblr.” She said, locking her phone and sliding it in her back pocket.

“Oh, is it the new cat one? I love that cat, it looks so tired. Which, same.” Rose pulled a face that looked somewhat like the picture of the cat hanging off of a coffee table.

Rey shook her head, “Ah, no, it’s the old galaxy brain one. It was a UK thing, not sure you’d understand.”

Rey hated to lie, though you’d never know it because of how easy it came to her. She’d become very experienced in small white lies, having relied on them one too many times to get out of trouble at foster homes or to make excuses for why she was always so hungry at school.

Rose nodded, making a face, “British humor is so weird.”

Rey shrugged, unable to disagree with her.

“So are you gonna tell me what the hell just happened with Professor Ren back there?”

“Rose, I honestly have no idea. I was kind of hoping you could tell me.”

“Well, it sounds like you just became Kylo’s TA. But without the credit or, you know, the pay.”

Rey nodded, “Sounds like it.”

“But, hey, at least he agreed to review your short story and give you feedback.”

“Yeah, I still can’t believe he did, honestly. I don’t know why he did.”

“Because you can do his busy work for him.”

Rey shifted her weight. She wasn’t sure if she quite believed that, but as it was the best explanation available to her, she nodded, “Yeah. Hey, Rose, did you wanna go see that one movie this weekend?”

Rose nodded, “Oh, yes! I can’t wait. Have you see the others? You really can’t jump into the Galaxy Wars movies without at least a little context.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen ‘em.”

Rose nodded, launching into a speech about how excited she was for the final movie of the saga. “Redemption is inevitable, you know?”

Rey nodded, shaking herself out of the odd mood Kylo Ren had put her in. Rose was her friend and she was talking about one of Rey’s favorite things in the world, Kylo Ren didn’t matter right now, or any time outside of class (and, she supposed, her new weekly meeting with him). She needed to stop thinking so much and over analyzing his behavior. Who knew what went on in the man’s head and more importantly, who cared? It wasn’t any of Rey’s business, and she needed to learn boundaries. Kylo Ren was on one side of the world, and she on the other. It needed to remain that way, no matter how much she thought that sometimes, Kylo Ren wasn’t that bad.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey and Rose managed to drag along Poe and Finn to see the movie with them, and despite the protesting of the boys, they all ended up having a good time together (despite the utter disappointment of the film).

Afterwards, to heal Rey and Rose’s wounds (and Poe’s, too, though he insisted he wasn’t that big of a fan) they all went out for ice cream at Maz’s.

Rey was in the middle of taking a lick of her galaxy swirl ice cream when she spotted a familiar face out of the corner of her eye, “You guys, shush.”

Everyone turned to look at her and she subtly pointed towards the figure, standing outside the ice cream shop. “Is that Luke Skywalker?”

Poe whipped around to look while the others were more subtle. One by one they turned back to Rey, a mix of awe and nervousness dawning each of their faces.

“I think it is,” Rose whispered, her voice full of wonder.

“What do you think he’s doing here?” Finn asked, “Didn’t he get dismissed from the university?”

Rey shook her head, “We’re not on campus, Finn. I don’t think he got dismissed from going out to get ice cream.”

Poe laughed as Finn stuck his tongue out at Rey.

“Still, though, I wonder what he’s doing. He’s just standing there. Kinda creepy for an old dude to be waiting around outside an ice cream parlor, don’t you think?”

“He’s not just an old dude.” Rey defended him, though she had never even met the man. She just greatly admired the legend.

“Well  _ we _ know that, but that mom and her kids might not.” Rose said, nodding to the family in the corner of the shop messily enjoying their ice cream.

“I thought he was a recluse.” Poe said, turning around to glance at the man once more.

Rey shrugged, “Supposedly he was really only teaching out of obligation or something, and when they dismissed him, well... It’s not easy to get fired from the only thing that gives your purpose, is it?”

“Obligation?” Rose asked, “What kind of obligation would he have to fantasy lit?”

“He’s some kind of legacy or something, right, Rey?” Poe asked, looking at Rey once more.

Rey nodded, “He’s the son of Anakin Skywalker, super big name in the fantasy and sci-fi world. He’s on our list of required reading. Some weird family stuff went down that nobody really knows about, but basically Luke is also a hotshot, almost a bigger deal than his father, though for very different reasons. He only published a few things but his biggest work was really controversial for his dad and basically ended both of their careers. After that, Luke left to teach and I guess the rest is history.”

“What was so controversial that it ended both of their careers?”

“Well,” Rey said, leaning in, “supposedly Luke’s last book was about how his father had been plagiarizing other small writers for profit and then hushing them up with money. On top of that, apparently Anakin was just a really abusive guy in general. Once broke Luke’s wrist in a drunken rage. This whole book was this really deep metaphor that was so well done nobody could tell, except for Anakin and the Skywalker family, of course. Naturally, the whole thing came out in time and Anakin’s career was over. He was completely ostracized. I guess Luke felt such shame that he also stopped writing.”

“Wow,” breathed Poe, “Tough family.”

Rey nodded, “There’s a conspiracy theory that Luke’s twin sister Leia Organa has a son, Ben. No proof can be found, but people say that one day he’s going to take up Anakin’s spot as the greatest fantasy writer of all time. I think it’s all a bit ridiculous, I mean who hides a baby?”

“I would hide a baby,” Finn says.

“Some really famous people hide babies.” Rose pointed out.

“Yeah, but the Skywalkers aren’t  _ that  _ famous, not enough to warrant hiding a child from the world. Plus, the kid’s gotta be like thirty now with how old Luke and Leia are.”

Rose cocked her head, her face scrunched up as she tried to remember something, “Wait, isn’t Leia Organa the introduction to literary theory professor?”

Rey nodded, “I had her last semester, she encouraged me to take this class because Luke was slotted to teach it. Then Professor Ren stepped in.”

“ _ I  _ wanna know why Skywalker got fired.” Finn said, licking a trail of ice cream that had melted down his cone.

“ _ I  _ wanna know what he’s doing out there talking to Kylo Ren.” Poe said, his body half-turned to the window once again.

This time, all four of them forgot about discretion as they all turned to the ice cream shop’s window. Sure enough, Kylo Ren towered above the old man, a scowl plastered on his face. His lips were moving just barely, and it was clear he was chastising Luke for something. Rey shivered at the thought of the sheer anger that must be in his voice.

Luke held his hands up, seemingly pleading with Kylo. But the younger man was having none of it as he shook his head, his eyes flickering up for a second and catching all four of them turned to stare at the spectacle happening outside.

Quickly, all four of them looked away, Finn and Poe turning back to the girls and Rose and Rey looked anywhere but outside.

By the time Poe sneaked another look over his shoulder, both men were gone.

“What was that about, do you think?” Rose asked, slight trepidation in her voice.

“I don’t know, but I do know one thing.” Poe said.

“What?”

“I never,  _ ever _ want to be on Kylo Ren’s bad side.”

Rey couldn’t help but agree with him.

~*~~*~~*~

The rest of the weekend came and went with little activity. Rey was ahead in all of her studies which was not hard to do the third week of class, but was difficult enough that Rey had justified a self-care day on Monday after her morning class.

Rey had given her self a manicure and pedicure, something she hardly ever indulged in but greatly enjoyed. She even put polish on her toes, though left her fingernails bare. It distracted her to see color on the tips of her fingers. As long as her nails were neat and trim, that’s all she cared about.

Next, she’d given herself a facial which had scared Finn initially when he’d walked into the apartment to find Rey sitting on the couch watching  _ Law & Order: Special Victims Unit _ with her face green. Rey couldn’t even crack a smile at the loud yelp he’d let out when she turned around. 

Finn joined her for her SVU marathon and eventually they broke out a bottle of wine, even though it was a Monday night.

Finn delighted in seeing Rey wine-drunk, something she hardly ever let happen. When she was wine-drunk, she got to be a handful, to say the least.

Plus, she had loose lips when she got wine-drunk. It was perhaps her biggest vice.

“Finn,” she said, looking at her friend seriously, “I must tell you something.” Rey ignored how her words came out more less distinct than she’d hoped.

“What, Rey?” Her friend turned to her, his face completely blank.

Rey giggled at him, “You look so serious!”

Finn laughed, too, less drunk than she was but tipsy nonetheless, “Why so serious?”

Rey laughed even more before abruptly stopping, “No, for real, Finn, I have to tell you.” She yanked on his shirt sleeve, trying to get his attention.

“Okay, peanut, what’s up?”

“Kylo Ren.” She pointed at Finn, “Has the sexiest voice I have ever heard.”

Finn looked at her, a smile breaking out, “I knew you had a thing for him!”

Rey shook her head, “No, not him. His voice. Just his voice. And his hands, which are warm. His big, warm hands and voice. That’s it.”

“How do you know his hands are warm?”

“I shook his hand,” Rey told Finn, taking his hand to show him exactly how she’d shaken her professor’s hand.

Finn nodded, “Big, warm hands. Got it.”

“And sexy voice!” Rey reminded him.

“And sexy voice, yes.”

Rey sighed, “I’m glad he’s scary, though.”

Finn hummed, a question in his eyes.

“If he wasn’t scary, I might get a bright idea and start to actually think he’s an alright guy.”

~*~~*~~*~

Class passed by for Rey quickly. One blink and it was over. The only part that really stood out was when Rose had sneezed quietly and Kylo glared at her for a second before turning away.

Rose had looked at Rey with a  _ what the fuck _ expression and Rey tried not to laugh, more out of fear of Kylo’s wrath than concern for Rose’s feelings.

Before Rey knew it, she was packing her notebooks up and standing with the rest of the class, ready to head out for some lunch when she remembered.

She groaned loudly and Rose gave her a sweet grin, “Not so funny now, is it? Now that you have to be with that monster one-on-one for god knows how long.” Rose pretended to shudder.

Rey wasn’t really dreading Kylo’s presence so much as the essays she was going to have to grade. Truth be told, Kylo had never been outright mean to her. He was a little snippy and maybe easily irked, but she could remember ever being genuinely hurt by anything he’d said or done. Most of the time he just left her feeling chided and, on rare occasion, amused.

Rey hopped her way down to the front of the class, a bright smile on her face. She was determined to make this a positive experience, even if inside she felt that was impossible.

“Hello, Professor Ren. What an engaging lecture that was today. How are you?”

Kylo looked over his shoulder at her from where he was shoving his laptop in his briefcase. “Are you on drugs?”

Rey’s smile faded, “No, I’m trying to be positive.”

“Ah.” Kylo shouldered his bag and turned to look at her, “And how is that working out for you?”

Rey rolled her eyes, “It would be a lot easier if you played along.”  _ And you didn’t suck all of the positive energy out of a room. _

Kylo closed his eyes for a second, “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m stressed, but alive, so I guess that’s what counts. How are you, Rey?”

As he spoke he began to walk, holding the door open for her to exit the lecture hall.

Rey shrugged, “Dreading grading these essays probably as much as you were until you shouldered the burden off to an unsuspecting undergrad.”

Kylo almost gave her a smile, but really it was more of a tilt of the lips. “Well, I would say I’m sorry but I’m not, actually. It really is as painful as it sounds.”

“Yay,” Rey said flatly.

They walked in silence for a bit, taking turns and going down stairs. Had it been this much of a maze getting here the first time? Rey couldn’t remember but she suspected that they’d passed the same door twice now. Eventually, they turned one last corner and were in the hallway where his office resided. Rey had almost forgotten how spooky the hallway was.

“Are you aware this is the creepiest hallway in all of North America?”

Kylo’s eyebrows furrowed, and he looked around as if he’d never seen the hallway before, “You think so? It doesn’t seem that bad to me.”

“I’m pretty sure I saw a bat flying around down here the other day.”

Kylo let out a small huff of amusement, “Bats aren’t scary.”

“Well of course  _ you _ don’t think so.”

Rey and Kylo stopped in front of Kylo’s office door as he unlocked it and stepped inside, holding the door open for her.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He tossed his briefcase on the couch behind his desk and shrugged off his suit jacket, leaving him in just a dark blue button down.

Rey suddenly became very interested in his bookcases, speaking before she even processed, just to get her mind off of the way his shoulders had moved under his shirt (which she definitely did not replay in her mind over and over at a later date) “It just means that scary people aren’t scared as easily. You’re probably fearless.”

It was silent after she spoke, and she replayed her words in her head. Horrified, she turned to look at him. The shock on his face was evident and Rey immediately regretted her entire life. 

“I-” Rey blinked a few times, trying to clear the thoughts of  _ fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck _ out of her head, “I am so sorry, professor. That’s not- I didn’t mean-”

He held up a hand, his face once again neutral. “It’s fine, Rey. Just sit down, please.”

Rey ducked her head, anxious to escape the burning of his gaze. She picked up a book that was on the chair she’d sat in last time and sat down, hands folded in her lap.

Kylo cleared his throat, and Rey looked up at him. His eyes were hard, but he attempted to give her a smile. She smiled back at him, appreciating the clear effort it took him.

He rustled around on his desk and eventually found a large stack of papers that he handed to Rey, “Here are the essays that need grading. The rubric is on top.”

Rey nodded, eyes scanning the prompt for the papers. “Okay, do you need-” Rey let the essays fan out with her thumb, “- _ all _ of these done by today?”

“Need, not technically. Would I prefer it? Yes.”

Rey nodded, stress already tensing her back muscles.

“Do you have your story with you?”

Rey nodded, reaching down to her backpack, which she had set on the floor to get her short story out for him. “I really do appreciate this, sir, I know it’s not an assignment or anything, so it’s nice of you to agree to this.” She pulled out her paper and handed it to him, noting the scowl on his face when she had said he was nice.

“Whatever.” He said, his tone stiff. “Those papers shouldn’t leave my office until I give them back, so you’re going to have to grade in here. If you can’t finish them today, we can figure out another time for you to stop by.”

Rey nodded, grabbing her red pen and settling into the chair further, “Aye-aye, captain.”

Kylo snorted and turned in his chair, propping his feet up on the desk and reading her revised short story. Rey tried to get her eyes to return to the papers in front of her, but she just couldn’t believe how long his legs were.

“How sensitive are you to feedback?” He glanced at her.

Rey’s eyes quickly flew from the length of his legs to his eyes, a blush forming high on her cheeks, “Hm? Oh, I take feedback very personally. Don’t worry, though, I’ll make sure not to cry in front of you.”

He didn’t seem to know whether she was joking or not, and Rey honestly didn’t know, either. Kylo nodded, murmuring something along the lines of, “Don’t have any tissues,” and turned back to her paper.

Time passed in a blur of scratching pens and heavy sighs of exasperation (mostly coming from Rey, thankfully). She really couldn’t believe how bad some of these papers were. Rey thought Kylo had just been exaggerating, but with each passing minute, the headache she had developed increased tenfold. By the time she emerged from grading a third of the papers, her hand was stiff and her back ached from the chair she was sitting in. It definitely wasn’t made for long-term sitting.

She glanced at the clock and noticed it was nearly three. Rey looked over to Kylo who had his brow furrowed in concentration, his lips tugged downward. It was a scowl, but not one of anger, for a change, no, this was a face of complete concentration. Rey took the time to study his face. She noticed, as she always did, the long scar that ran down the right half of his face. She wondered once again how he’d gotten such a thing. She was also able to notice that he had quite a few more moles than she could see from her seat in the second row. This close to him, she could make out at least five more that she’d not noticed before. Rey wanted to play connect the dots with them, and maybe trace the lines on his face while she was at it. The urge to touch him hit her strongly and suddenly.

She shook her head, removing all thought of touching and Kylo Ren from her head before she cleared her throat. When her voice came out, it was scratchy from lack of use and her thirst, “Professor, it’s nearly three and I have work at four. I should get home and change.”

Kylo looked up from her short story, the lines between his eyebrows disappearing as he looked at her. He seemed to have almost forgotten she was there, “Ah, yes. Of course. Whatever you didn’t finish you can come back for later. I’m nearly always in my office, so if you want to stop by whenever you can.”

Rey nodded, setting the two piles of papers (graded and ungraded) on his desk where she could come back to them. She stood from her chair, stretching as she did to try and relieve some of the aches in her body.

“That chair is not very ergonomic.” She informed him once she was done stretching.

His eyes were not on her when she looked at him again, rather they were on the ceiling, as if he was avoiding her gaze. He hummed in acknowledgment.

“Well, alright.” Rey said, uncomfortable at his sudden lack of ability to make eye contact. She stooped to pick up her bag, “I’ll probably be by tomorrow. I have a break in between classes and I think I can finish the essays then.”

He just nodded, his eyes falling at some point around her shoulder. “I’ll be here.”

Rey gave him a little wave before she left his office, a weight lifting off of her shoulders. It hadn’t been as awful as she’d thought. He hadn’t been pleasant company, but he definitely had not been rude to her. Maybe this arrangement wouldn’t be as terrible as she’d been anticipating. Kylo Ren seemed almost a decent guy, and he almost seemed to put up with Rey’s presence pretty well. Rey smiled at the thought.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you guys :) 
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow me on tumblr: @supremefuckingleader or @teetering-dinosaur

She did go to Kylo’s office that next day. To her utter surprise and delight, she had passed Professor Organa on her way down the creepy hall that Rey had secretly nicked-named the Bridge. 

“Professor!” Rey said, a smile spreading across her face. In her time in Leia’s class, she’d come to form a special kind of bond with the woman. It was the closest Rey had ever felt to having a mother.

“Rey!” Leia looked equally happy to see her, “Please, I have told you to call me Leia how many times now?”

Rey’s smile turned bashful, “Sorry, Pro- Leia. I haven’t seen you since the semester started, how are you? How was your break?”

“It was...” Leia glanced behind her, “It was interesting. There’s never a dull moment in the Organa-Solo household. Or the Skywalker family in general.”

Rey laughed, “We should get coffee sometime, I’d love to talk to you about a few projects I’m working on, and that fantasy class you roped me into. You know Luke was dismissed, right? Do you know the man they replaced him with?”

Leia nodded, “Yes, yes, I know all about that. And I should hope I know that man!” Leia laughed but didn’t explain why the joke was so funny, “We’ll definitely catch up, Rey. I can’t wait to hear all about your projects, and I’ll tell you about a few of mine.” The woman winked at her.

Rey nodded enthusiastically, “I’m on my way to meet with Professor Ren right now, but I’ll e-mail you and we can figure something out?”

Something flickered behind her eyes, “You are? Well, don’t let me keep you. I look forward to your e-mail!”

Rey waved at the older woman as she left in the opposite direction of her.

Rey knew she was about to leave as suddenly as she’d come the minute she peered through Kylo’s open office door. His already messy office looked as if a tornado had hit it. Kylo looked up at her sharply from a pile of papers upon hearing her soft knock, a scowl etched on his face.

“What?”

“I...” Rey took a hesitant step inside, “I’m here to finish grading those papers for you.”

His eyes darkened, “Not necessary.” His head dropped back down.

When he sensed Rey hadn’t left, he sighed and looked back up, “Yes, Miss Niima?” The way he spit her name out had ice running through her veins.

“Our agreement-”

“I’m aware what our agreement is, Rey.” He snapped, “But I am telling you-  _ asking _ you to please get out of my office.” He seemed to be taking extra care with his word choice, though Rey couldn’t fathom why.

“Did I do something to upset you, professor?” Rey asked hesitantly, almost fearing the answer.

Kylo threw his pen down on the desk and his other hand came up to massage his temple, “Rey, I am trying really hard not to be an asshole right now, but really, I need you to leave. Now is  _ not _ a good time.”

“I- Okay.” Rey said, nodding. “Yeah, I’ll just, uh, see you tomorrow.”

She turned and practically ran out of his office and back down the Bridge. There was a dull pressure in her chest and Rey thought it best not to analyze it too closely. She had done something wrong, messed up somehow. Maybe he’d seen how she graded the other essays and decided she was incompetent. Or maybe he’d read her story and decided that. Perhaps he had decided she was annoying, and that he’d rather have double the work load if it meant getting her out of his long, luscious hair. Whatever the reason, Kylo Ren was not happy and suddenly Poe’s words from a few nights ago rang in her head.  _ I never want to be on Kylo Ren’s bad side. _

Rey had no clue what had happened to put him in such a mood, but she knew that if he wasn’t mad at her, she could only imagine how he had acted towards the person he was mad at. 

~*~~*~~*~

Rey was agitated, and she had been since she’d stopped by Kylo’s office earlier that day. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she had done something to provoke this little mood of his. The most she thought about it, the more she battled with irritation at his treatment of her and guilt that she might have done something wrong. Moreover, she was angry at herself for feeling guilty. She didn’t owe this man anything. Sure, she had called him scary right to his face but if that’s something that would cause such a mood in him, she would not put up with his temper tantrum. He was a fully grown adult, surely he could take one slight dig. Even if it was from one of his students. Surely, Rey thought,  _ someone _ had filled out an evaluation and written “scary as fuck, but hot as hell” in the comments.

She was scowling at her phone, scrolling through tumblr and avoiding doing anything actually productive when an email notification popped up. Sighing, she tapped over to her inbox, her heart dropping through her stomach as she read the name of the sender. Ren, Kylo.

> _ Sorry about today. I know it’s probably not how you want to spend your night, but I’ll be in my office until 10ish tonight if you want to come by and finish grading. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey bit her lip, debating even responding to the man. He’d apologized. It wasn’t a long apology, or even particularly heartfelt. But it was something. Rey was pretty sure Kylo Ren hardly ever apologized to anyone. Maybe she was reading too much into things, but it felt like a big step for him.

Rey hated the way her heart warmed as she reread his words. He shouldn’t be able to win back favor with her with so little effort, yet she found herself forgiving him without even really deciding to.

Sighing she put her phone to sleep and let it fall into her lap. Her head fell into her hand, and she stared at the wall across from her. It was almost six. It would take her at least thirty minutes to get to campus. Was it worth it?

If she didn’t go tonight, the next time she saw him would be tomorrow in class. She imagined walking in to the lecture hall and seeing him, having purposefully snubbed him tonight. What would he think? Would he think anything? Or would it be a nonissue, something he barely thought about after realizing she wouldn’t come? Maybe he didn’t even want her to come and the offer had just been a nicety. Kylo didn’t seem to be the kind of guy to extend meaningless invitations, especially if he really didn’t want someone around. Her heart skipped a beat. Want someone around. Did Kylo maybe want her to come? The thought was ridiculous, she knew. If he did want her around, it was only so she could finish grading for him.

A million thoughts bombarded her, doubts rushing at her like a river. She shouldn’t be overthinking this so much, it was just an e-mail, and from her professor no less. Just her really hot and moody professor.

She rolled her eyes. Her decision had been made already and she knew it. Of course, she would be going. Not only did she have a responsibility to him (and to his freshman seminar, she supposed), but she didn’t want to snub his olive branch. She had a feeling that it had taken a lot for him to send this e-mail, and she wanted to let him know, however she could, that she knew and appreciated the sentiment.

Rey rushed to her room and throw on some clothes that weren’t her pajamas, hardly thinking about what she was doing. She snatched her bag and a coat as she left her apartment.

The buses stopped running at 6:30 and she hoped that she was able to catch one to campus before they stopped running. She really didn’t feel like walking to campus when it was this cold.

Luckily, the late bus to campus pulled up to her stop right as she got there. She hopped on, giving the bus driver a quick smile before sitting down. Her knee shook jumped up and down as she waited the long minutes of the bus ride. She’d forgotten her earbuds at home and was forced to listen to the man in the back of the bus ranting to someone about his cable bill over the phone.

She was in the middle of listening to his rant about how the sports package he’d signed up for didn’t include any channels that had a figure skating program. Apparently, he’d missed the nationals and was very upset about it, although Rey expected he was more upset that his favorites had some in second. She was so caught up in this drama that she almost missed her stop, but she quickly pulled the cord, letting the bus driver know this was her stop.

She scampered off the bus, throwing a quick “Thank you!” to the bus driver.

Rey had never been more thankful that the stop was right in front of the literature building. She really didn’t feel like showing up to Kylo’s office sweaty from a walk across campus, despite the fact that the temperature was surely reaching ten below Celsius. 

The only draw back of being on campus so late was the fact that everything was nearly deserted. Rey shivered as she remembered the creepy hallway she would have to walk down alone outside of Kylo’s office. The Bridge, she had called it. Maybe it was more like a lair.

Her footsteps echoed in the front hall of the building, and she tried not to be jumpy. The only time she’d ever been on campus this late was sophomore year when she had taken a film class that lasted two and a half hours and got out at nearly 9pm. She’d promised herself not to ever be in a dark, empty academic building alone anymore. She glanced around herself, rubbing the goosebumps on her arm. There was just something so creepy being in a building full of such history alone. She’d once heard a rumor that someone had killed them self by jumping off the rood of the very same building she was in. She wondered if their ghost would haunt her as she wound her way through the halls towards Kylo’s office.

Rey nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a sound coming from down the hall that led to Kylo’s department. The sound was that of glass shattering and a muttered, “Shit,” in a voice that she found all too familiar. 

She rushed down the hallway and peeked her head into the room that cast a light in the hallway, “Everything okay in here?”

Kylo’s head snapped towards her, the frown on his face melting away. He held his hand up, blood trickling down, “What do you consider okay?”

“Shit,” Rey said, coming into what she discovered to be a break room. Fluorescent lights flickered overhead as she rooted around the cabinets, “Is there a first-aid kit in here?”

“It’s fine, Rey.” He said, his voice already sounding like he’d given up trying to stop her from helping him.

“Tell that to your bloody hand.”

“I can’t tell if you mean that in the Brit way or in the ‘my hand is bleeding’ way.” He said, bending over to pick up the large pieces of a broken mug, "But it's annoying either way."  


“Stop that,” she ordered him, exclaiming when she found the first-aid kit, “Ah! Found it. Come here.”

Kylo set the two pieces he’d picked up on the counter and turned to her, holding his hand out for her to examine.

She opened the kit on the counter next to him, taking out the supplies she needed. She first grabbed a paper towel and wet it.

Rey hoped he didn’t notice how her hands shook as she grabbed his hand in hers. His hands were just as warm as she remembered. What she didn’t remember however was how large his hands were compared to hers. If her hand size doubled, she was pretty sure she’d still have smaller hands than him.

She gently wiped the blood from his hand, making sure there weren’t any glass shards in the cut.

“Does it hurt?” She asked, embarrassed when her voice came out too low. She was suddenly aware of how close they were standing.

“No,” his voice was just as low as hers.

She tossed the towel to the side and picked up the antiseptic cream. As she squeezed some out of the tube, he spoke again.

“Rey.”

She paused, looking up at him. God, he was tall. Was any human being even allowed to be that tall? Rey didn’t think it was fair.

“Yes?”

“I- Thank you for coming. I’m sorry about today, it’s... been difficult today, to say the least.”

Rey smiled, her eyes darting to the broken black mug on the counter and floor, “I can see that.”

“Ah,” he looked sheepish, his uninjured hand rising to run through his hair, “I really shouldn’t be allowed so much coffee. My hands start to shake.”

Rey nodded. She understood. Sometimes when she was forced to pull an all-nighter and she downed a five-hour energy, she had to physically stop herself from shaking.

Rey grabbed some gauze and started to wrap it around his palm. “The cut wasn’t deep. You don’t need stitches and it probably won’t leave a permanent scar.”

Kylo huffed and Rey blushed as she remembered the long scar down his face. 

Quickly she said, “Not that there’s anything wrong with scars. I have scars. A lot of them. I like scars. I mean not getting them, that part hurts but-”

“Shut up, Rey.” His tone was light, letting her know he wasn’t being rude but saving her from digging a deeper hole.

“Right.” She patted his hand lightly when she was finished. “All done, sir.”

She took a step back and started to repack the first aid kit. Instead of moving away from her, as Rey had expected, he simply stood there, his hands folding over his chest as he stared down at her.

“Where did you learn to patch up cuts like this?”

Rey shifted her weight. “Uh, foster care.” She muttered, not really wanting to elaborate.

“Oh,” he said.

It was a normal reaction. Not many people knew what to say to her background. Pity wasn’t wanted and people seemed to know that, despite the flash of it that always crossed their faces. Rey was glad she hadn’t been looking at Kylo when she’d told him. She didn’t need the man’s pity. 

She didn’t like it when people asked questions, either, so she was grateful for the silence that fell as Rey returned the first-aid kit to the cabinet she’d found it in and started to pick up large shards of glass very carefully.

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” Kylo knelt down beside her, his long, nimble fingers plucking the glass from her hands carefully before she could protest, “I broke it, I should clean it up.”

Rey shook her head, “You’ll cut yourself again.”

“Lucky I have a pretty adept nurse, then, huh?” He smirked at her and it wasn’t like his other smirks. It was almost... charming.

Rey’s stomach flipped, and she nearly dropped the glass she was holding. She gave a small noncommittal noise and shrugged. Rey began to wonder if there were any commas in the statement he made. Pretty adept. Pretty, adept. It was impossible to tell, but she secretly thought that maybe there was.

The two stood up and placed the broken glass in the trash can along with the bloody towel.

“I probably shouldn’t have any more coffee.” Kylo said, wiping his hands down the thighs of his pants. Rey’s eyes tracked the movement.

Rey nodded, “It stunts your growth. You wouldn’t want to be the shortest Sasquatch in the village now, would you?”

At that, Rey saw Kylo Ren smile for the first time. It nearly took her breath away. His teeth were slightly crooked but it only added to his looks. Rey’s heart beat doubled. 

“You’re a brat, you know that?”

Rey’s mouth dropped open, “You can’t talk to me like that!”

His eyebrows raised in question, “Oh, and you can call me Bigfoot?”

“Well, no.” She admitted.

“Then we’re even.”

She peered up at him, “I would hardly call us even.”

He just shook his head, but Rey could tell he was amused, “C’mon, brat, let’s go grade some papers.”

Rey groaned and followed him to his office. She took two steps for every one of his, and she’d just gotten used to keeping pace with him recently. This time, however, his steps seemed to be marginally smaller, allowing her to take steps better suited to her small frame.

“I finished your story.” Kylo said out of nowhere.

“Oh?” Rey didn’t chance a look at him, but she thought that maybe she could feel his eyes on her. She schooled her expression into a carefully blank stare.

“You know, it’s not awful.”

“That’s really reassuring, professor, thank you.” Rey said, sarcasm leaking into her tone.

He huffed in a way that Rey was coming to learn was an expression of amusement. “Actually, you’re quite skilled actually, if untrained. I can tell you have a natural talent for writing. It’s impressive, if you want to know the truth.”

Rey let out a breath, “You couldn’t have said that from the beginning?”

“I have a reputation to uphold, Rey, I can’t go around complimenting students.”

“So you _ are _ self-aware.”

They had reached his office and he pushed the door open, letting her enter first.

Rey felt her face flush as she passed closely by him, his smell engulfing her. He smelled of leather, though he wore none, and something slightly woodsy. It was masculine and far too intoxicating. 

“Yes, I am aware that students find me, how did you put it? Scary?”

Rey plopped herself down on what she now identified as her chair, “Listen, I’m sorry I called you scary. I didn’t mean to be rude, it just kind of slipped out.”

Kylo shook his head, “You don’t need to be sorry, you’re not the first to call me that. Though, perhaps you are the first student to say it to my face.”

Rey shifted in her seat, “Don’t you mind being called scary? Doesn’t it bother you that people think of you like that?”

Kylo frowned, as if thinking about it, “No.”

“Why not?”

He sighed, clearly put out at this line of questioning, “It’s not my job to make people like me, Rey. It’s my job to teach people what they are here to learn, that’s what they’re paying for. Not for some old professor to mollycoddle them and tell them their dreams are just within reach.”

Rey blinked, “Well, I guess not, but you’re not here to emotionally scar people, either.”

Kylo perched an eyebrow at her, “Emotionally scar?”

“People have dropped out because of you!”

Kylo Ren shrugged, “It’s not my fault they can’t handle the pressure of academia.”

Rey found herself creeping back into a place she hadn’t realized she’d escaped, a place where Kylo Ren was mean. A place where he was so far apart from her that she felt fear for her grade, and her emotions. Kylo Ren could easily cripple her, and she’d forgotten that. She’d been so caught up in thinking of him as a mentor, someone she could turn to, how stupid of her. He was not her friend, and he was not here to help her. He was here to make life as difficult as possible for her, and she needed to remind herself just who this man was.

“I don’t think it’s a problem with academia, professor, I think it’s a problem with  _ you _ .” Her voice was venomous, but she couldn’t help it. She was angry at herself for so easily forgetting who Kylo was, what he was capable of.

Kylo’s gaze turned to stone, and she was able to see it so clearly in front of her that she wondered how she’d even been able to get comfortable around this man. The lines of his face were hard and his jaw clenched together with anger. He didn’t say anything for a long while, leaving them in a tense silence.

Finally, he said, “I think you’d better remember who I am, Miss Niima. Disrespecting your professor is not only unprofessional, but highly unwise.” He grabbed a paper off of his desk and tossed it to her, “Here’s your short story. I don’t need your assistance with grading anymore.”

Rey opened her mouth, but closed it. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to go back to the way things had been ten minutes ago. She wanted to go back to the break room where she had been holding his hand and they had been looking at each other almost like they could tolerate each other’s presence. Or maybe even like each other.

But she’d fucked up. She had really, _really_ fucked up. This wasn’t just calling him scary fucking up, this was serious.

Rey didn’t say anything as she stood, holding her story delicately in her hands. She looked at him, and felt as if a relative stranger was looking back at her.

She turned and left his office.

The walk back to her apartment was cold. In her haste to catch the bus to campus, she’d forgotten that she’d have to walk back. She shivered in her jacket, pulling her arms closer to her body to try to preserve any kind of heat. She kept her head down, her cheeks burning from the cold. When she saw snowflakes falling she practically stopped walking to sit down and cry. It was cold, it was snowing, and she was angry and hurt. Maybe she deserved this. But if she deserved this flurry of snow, Kylo Ren deserved at least a blizzard.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, hi, howdy! y'all really tried to make me CRY with your comments which is rude and unacceptable and completely appreciated <3 you guys warm my heart so much i don't think you realize how big you make me smile when i read your comments!! much love for you guys
> 
> unedited and unbeta'd (i can physically feel the grammar mistakes in this chapter, but i have been at work since 3am so fuck it)
> 
> as usual, you can follow me on tumblr (and talk to me, maybe?): @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur ( i made a really funny post that i'm proud of on my sw blog, go reblog it cause i am hilarious )

Meeting Leia for coffee was the highlight of her week, and with the way things were going, might be a contender for highlight of her semester. There was something about the older’s woman’s motherly presence that calmed Rey instantly. She’d once asked Leia if she had any kids, and she’d told her she had a son. She wanted to meet that son and make sure he knew just how lucky he was to have a woman like Leia Organa as his mother.

Leia sat across from her at the coffee shop, sipping her tea. They’d met off campus, as Leia had no classes or meetings on Thursday, and she’d been working at the university long enough that she could just fuck off whenever she’d like (as she put it).

Rey ran her hands through her hair, “I guess I’m just upset that I had such high expectations for this semester, and I’ve been let down on almost all counts.”

Leia nodded sympathetically, “Rey, you can’t let a few letdowns kill your spark of hope. You have such promise in you, I know you can and will get through this mess intact and even stronger than before.”

“I don’t feel like I will.”

“You will.” Leia nodded, and there was no arguing with her, despite the many things Rey wanted to say to contradict her.

“If you say so.” Rey shrugged, “But what about you, Leia? What’s going on with your new book?”

Leia smiled, “Oh, everything’s on track! I’m very excited, we should be able to go to press within the next four months. At this point it’s just all design work. Which, believe it or not, is my favorite part of the entire process. To see something come to life like that, it’s magical.”

Rey nodded, hope swelling in her chest. She had never told anybody before, but one day she hoped to be a fantasy writer. She didn’t ever expect to be as good as Leia or Luke, but to be even a fraction of what they are would be her life’s greatest accomplishment. It was a pipe dream, she knew, but the hope still remained.

Leia talked about the publishing process, every now and then telling Rey that when she published, Leia would be there to walk her through it. Rey just blushed and shook her head.

Rey didn’t know who brought it up first (yes, she did, it was her) but eventually the topic of Kylo Ren came about. 

“I just don’t know why he’s so abrasive. It’s like he thinks the entire world is against him, so he just... fights back first. Before anyone can even instigate anything.”

Leia sighed, “Dear, he’s not an easy man to understand. Hell, I gave birth to him and I can’t figure him out most of the time.”

Rey choked on her latte at Leia’s words. “Excuse me?” Rey asked through coughs.

“Are you okay?” Leia looked concerned, like she was about to jump up and start the Heimlich at any moment.

“Did you just say... Are you his  _ mom _ ?”

Leia’s face looked puzzled, “Yes. You knew that.”

Rey shook her head adamantly, “No, I did not. If I did I wouldn’t be sitting here complaining about him, that’s for sure.”

Leia laughed and the sound was like bells to Rey’s ears, though Leia’s laugh was hearty and full, “Don’t worry about that. I’ve heard worse about him. I’ve  _ said _ worse about him. But, Rey, I told you I was a mother.”

“Yes, but you never told me that you were the mother of  _ Kylo Ren _ .” Rey hated how reverently she’d said the name, when she’d meant to spit it out like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

She scoffed, “Kylo Ren, what a ridiculous name. No, his name is Ben. I don’t know where on earth he came up with that little moniker of his.” There was a look in Leia’s eye that she couldn’t quite decipher, but Rey thought it might be a hint of dishonesty. As if Leia did know where he came up with the name, but despised it.

“Ben.” Rey repeated. “That... fits him better.”

Leia smiled, “I certainly think so. But he’s dead set against it. Hates it. Changed it as soon as he turned eighteen.”

“Why?”

Leia shifted, taking a sip of her tea, “That’s a lot to go into right now, Rey. Ask me again later.”

Rey took this to mean  _ ask me again never _ .

“So that means Luke is his uncle.” Rey said, putting pieces of the Skywalker puzzle together, “And Anakin is his grandfather. He’s a legacy.”

Leia nodded, “Yes. Luke and Ben don’t get along well, though. When Ben was a boy, he preferred to be around his grandfather. It was hard on Ben when he passed.”

“And Han?” Rey whispered, almost dreading to hear the answer.

Leia’s expression dulled, “Ben blames himself for his father’s passing.”

“Why?”

“Rey, I’ve already shared too much. I don’t mind discussing my personal life with you, but when it comes to Ben... Well, he’s not very forthcoming to begin with, and given he’s your professor... I just don’t think it’s wise for you to hear all this, dear.”

Rey nodded, disappointed. She understood the need for distance. Even knowing a little about Kylo (Ben!) was more than she was sure any other student had ever known. She felt the waters between her and Kylo (Ben!) get a bit murkier and the lines a bit more blurry.

Why did Kylo feel responsible for his father’s death? Rey knew the story, she’d been there when Leia had gotten the call.

_ Rey was sitting in Leia’s office, listening to the woman speak, but not really hearing her. It didn’t matter what she said, really. The sound of her voice was enough to tell Rey that something had gone seriously wrong. _

_ “Professor?” Rey asked when the woman hung up the phone. _

_ Leia clutched the device to her chest, her face blank but her eyes filled with sorrow, “My husband... something terrible had happened. He’s at the hospital. I’m sorry, Rey, I have to go.” _

_ Rey jumped up, sympathy for the woman in front of her filling her chest. “Leia, I’m so sorry.” It was the first time Rey had ever called her by her first name. _

_ Leia blinked back tears, “It’s not your fault, dear. It’s no ones. Things happen.” _

_ Rey nodded, “We can reschedule. Just go be with him.” _

_ Leia looked at Rey and Rey knew she wasn’t processing anything. Leia picked up her keys with shaking hands. _

_ “Do you-” Rey hesitated, “Do you need a ride to the hospital, ma’am?” _

_ Leia nodded, her head moving in jilted motions. “Yes, that would be lovely if you could.” _

_ Rey nodded, taking the keys. “Get your things.” _

_ The ride to the hospital was short but tense. Rey was thankful that Finn had taught her how to drive, despite her lack of transportation. _

_ Rey parked Leia’s car in the visitor lot and escorted her to the front desk. _

_ Leia gave them her husband’s name (Han Solo, Rey noted). _

_ “Are you family?” The man at the front desk asked. _

_ Leia nodded, “I’m his wife.” _

_ The man looked at Rey, who began to shake her head before Leia said, “She’s our niece.” _

_ “I’m sorry, only immediate members of the family are allowed to see him at the moment.” _

_ Leia nodded, sighing, “Yes, of course. Thank you, Rey, for your help. I’ll see you soon.” _

_ Rey nodded, handing the woman her keys, “I hope everything is okay, P- Leia.” Rey amended, remembering she was supposed to be her niece. She quickly hugged Leia and patted her on the back. “See you soon.” _

_ With that, Rey caught a bus and went home, trying not to cry for the pain that she was sure Leia must be feeling. She didn’t know until three days later that Han died, having been in a car accident. The night Rey found out, she wept for Han, for Leia, and for the pain she knew both had experienced.  _

Rey blinked the memory away, “Leia, is Professor Ren going to make my life more difficult after this?” 

Leia looked away from her and out of the window, “It’s difficult to say. It depends on a lot of things. What kind of mood he was in when you got to him, if he took the things you said to heart, and,” Leia looked at Rey again, “how he feels about you.”

“Feels about me?” Rey squeaked, “He doesn’t feel anything about me.”

Leia shook her head, “You think that, but I know my son. He doesn’t warm to many people, for reasons you might be able to guess. If he was nice to you, even a few times, he, at the very least, respects you. That might be enough for this all to blow over. But I’m afraid that I can’t tell you for certain. How did you say he was in class last Thursday?”

Rey sighed, long and suffering, “It was miserable, Leia. He looked at me like he despised me. No, it was worse, like I was a stranger. It-” Rey cut herself off, shaking her head. She couldn’t tell Leia that it hurt her. That she had felt like dirt on his shoe.

“Rey.” Leia laid a comforting hand over hers, “Please be honest with me?”

Rey nodded, “Of course.”

Leia considered her words for a moment, “How do you feel about him?”

“What?”

“Why is this affecting you so much, dear?”

“I-” Rey didn’t know. She had thought they were getting closer, she thought they might be on friendly terms. “I think I could be on good terms with him. I thought we were getting there. I’d like him to... I would want to be his friend, maybe. As professionally as one can. I know he can teach me a lot, and I need to learn.”

Leia smiled knowingly, “Professional friends.”

Rey nodded, “He’s not that bad of a guy, when you’re not insulting him to his face.”

“And when he likes you.”

“Yeah, that, too.” Rey said dejectedly.

Leia shook her head, “One thing I know about my son is that he can be fiercely loyal, once he makes up his mind. I don’t think he’s done making up his mind about you.”

Something clenched in Rey’s chest, “He talked to you about me?”

Leia laughed, “That boy tells me everything, whether he knows it or not. But yes, we had a discussion about you. I told him about you, told him to watch out for you when he took the post.”

Rey flushed, “God, Leia, that was the worst thing you could’ve done.”

“After you submitted your short story we spoke again, and he told me that he’d keep an eye on you.”

“He did?” Rey asked, incredulous.

Leia sipped her tea, “Mm.”

“Why?”

“Who knows why he does anything?”

“Fair.”

Rey and Leia laughed with each other for a second, enjoy each other’s company. 

“I miss being in class with you.”

“You’ve moved on to bigger and better things, Rey. Don’t mourn that dull old discussion group. There were only three of you who did anything worth a damn.”

Rey couldn’t disagree with her, “Have you talked to Kaydel at all?”

Leia nodded, “She’s doing well, but the transition to real life after college is always hard.”

Rey missed her friend, but she knew Kaydel was busy trying to find a job after she had graduated at semester over the winter. Once Kaydel found a job, Rey had promised to come visit her. A pang went through her heart. Rey knew she would do anything and everything to keep those she loved in her life. She’d had enough of people leaving for a lifetime.

“I’m happy for her.”

“Me, too. I am happy for all of you. Well, those of you I liked.”

Rey laughed. Leia was a smart ass and it was one of her favorite things about her.

When Rey had finished her latte and Leia had finished her tea, they both stood to hug each other. It was a tight hug and though it probably looked like a goodbye hug to strangers, it felt like a welcoming home. 

“Don’t be a stranger, Rey.”

“Of course not, Leia.”

They pulled away from each other, “And don’t let my son off easy. He can be a little dick sometimes and though I know you think you’re being mean, he needs someone to tell him he’s being a dick.”

“Why can’t you?”

“He stopped listening to me long ago.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “I’m sure you can still get through to him.”

“Yeah, but I like to save it for when he’s really fucked up.” Leia whispered conspiratorially.

Rey wondered when she’d had to use her mothering tactics on Kylo and decided she was better off not knowing.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey had her first dream about Kylo Ren the night before the Tuesday after her meeting with Leia.

_ She had been wandering a long hall that looked a lot like the Bridge. She heard a voice so faint that she wasn’t sure who it was or what it was saying, but for some reason she knew it was calling out to her.  _

_ She tried to get closer, but every time she got close enough to make out the voice, it leapt another fifty meters away. _

_ “Hello?” She called out to it. _

_ It was so low that the sound of it sent shivers done her spine. The voice was gruff, and the more she heard it the more she thought she’d never heard a voice like this in her life. She didn’t even think voices like this existed. It had to be a nightmare. _

_ Suddenly, she passed by Kylo’s office. She barely glanced at it as she walked past. _

_ “Rey?” Kylo asked, walking after her. “Where are you going?” _

_ “The voice...” Rey said, turning back to look at him, “I need to find the voice.” _

_ Kylo looked scared for a moment, “Rey, no, don’t follow it. Nothing good can come of it.” _

_ Rey shook her head, walking faster now. “The voice is calling me, Ben.” _

_ Kylo chased her, “Rey, please!” _

_ He grabbed her arm and yanked her around to face him, “You have to promise me to never listen to that voice, ever.” _

_ Rey looked behind them, “Who is it?” _

_ Kylo’s fingers pressed against her chin as he pulled her around to look at him, “Please, Rey. Promise me.” _

_ Rey was so distracted by his touch, the roughness of his fingertips that she nodded, “I promise, Ben.” _

_ He sighed in relief, “Let’s go back.” _

_ Rey let herself be pulled back to his office where she laid on his couch (it was so comfortable, why had she never sat on it before?) and drifted off to sleep. _

Rey had forgotten almost every bit of the dream except for the way his fingers had lightly touched her skin, almost a brush of his thumb. Her face burned as she thought about it. She could almost  _ feel _ it.

The gesture had been so intimate, yet so familiar. She wondered if she would get the same butterflies in real life as she had in her dream. She was certain she would.

Rey laid in bed for a solid twenty minutes simply replaying that moment over and over, her stomach fluttering and her heart beating fast. She didn’t like it. It was a foreign feeling, this kind of excitement over something so simple. She didn’t want to feel this way, not about him, not about anyone.

She was sick of the way her stomach dropped at the sight of him, at the mere mention of him. She thought about going to class, and she had to groan and roll over, pulling the pillow over her head.

She would rather do anything in the world than go to class.

“Finn!” She called loudly, knowing he would be able to hear her through their thin walls.

“What?” He asked gruffly.

“I’m dropping out this time, for real.” She informed him.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I really am.”

“Get up, Rey.”

“No,” it was barely a whisper, but next thing Rey knew, Finn was in her room.

He hopped on her small twin sized bed, “Get up, get up, get up!”

“No,” Rey dragged out the syllable, trying to shove Finn off of her small frame. She was way too tiny for him to be fully on top of her, “Get off, you fiend!”

“Rey, it’s not going to be that bad, it was tolerable on Thursday, right?” Finn lifted her arm and tugged on it, trying to wake her. 

“Define tolerable.”

Finn sighed, “I don’t want to have to do this, Rey.”

Rey was confused until he stood up, “You wouldn’t dare.”

“I would.” He said, his hand coming to hover over her blankets.

Rey clutched them tighter to her body, but it was no use. Finn ripped the covers from her body, leaving her cold and exposed. “Finn!” She exclaimed, curling into a ball to try to preserve some heat, “Stop, it’s so cold, give them back.”

“Get up.”

“No!” Rey said, finally sitting up fully in bed, “I will not. I am dropping out of school and that is that.”

Finn sat down next to her, “Peanut, please tell me what happened.”

Rey put her head in her hands, “I told you, Finn, I fucked up.”

“How, though?”

Rey sighed. “I don’t even know what to say. I just... I told him that he’s too harsh and that... that’s he’s the problem, not his students. Basically called him an asshole.”

“Oof,” Finn said. He patted her knee, “That’s rough. Why did you say that?”

“I don’t know, because I’m stupid?”

“You’re not stupid, you’re just trying to figure out a rational way to deal with literally the most irrational person to ever exist.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “You’re exaggerating.”

“Am I?”

“Maybe not.”

Finn laughed, “Peanut, you gotta go in and face him head on. Plus, you can’t leave Rose alone to the mercy of Kylo Ren.”

Rey nodded, “I know, but it would feel so great to drop out.”

“Maybe for a second, before reality slaps you in the face. Before you realize that you were a semester away from graduating and know you have three and a half years of debt to pay off with no job prospect lined up because you dropped out of school over some fluffy haired bitch man.”

Rey digested his words, “Why did you have to remind me how in debt I am?”

Finn laughed, “Get out of bed and go to class.”

“Yes, sir.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey did as she was told.

Rose lit up when she saw Rey and it was almost enough to make the class worth the pain it put her through.

Today, she was public enemy number one.

She slid into her seat, greeting Rose. Kylo ( _ Ben! _ Rey remembered with a stomach flip) was already there.

His eyes had been glued to her since she walked into the lecture hall. She distinctly avoided his gaze as she chatted with Rose before class.

As soon as class began his voice rung out and sent shivers down her spine, “Listen up.”

He had that scary effect Rey had only experienced a handful of times where he didn’t have to raise his voice yet instantly, everyone’s attention was on him. He seemed to relish in the authority he had over his students. Rey was disgusted by it. She wondered if he cared about the difference between respect and fear, or if it didn’t matter to him because the end result was the same.

Kylo launched into his lecture about character growth through common tropes within fantasy and Rey couldn’t help but become entranced by his words. Or maybe it was his voice. Either way, Rey found herself falling into rapt attention, her eyes never leaving his face.

He seemed to speak directly to her when he made eye contact. Rey wondered if everybody else felt the pull to him that she did, if they, too, got a funny feeling in their stomach when his gaze landed on them.

The worst part of the lecture was that Kylo’s gaze wasn’t even the slightest bit warm, his eyes were like ice and Rey felt genuinely cold from it.

_ Still, though, _ Rey thought,  _ he at least looks at me. At least he can still bare the sight of me. That’s got to be something, right? _

“Miss Niima,” Rey started when he called her out, “would you like to give us an example of a common trope in fantasy literature?”

Rey could name many, but what would get her out of this smoothly? What was the least painful thing to suggest with his eyes boring into hers, with his face practically daring her to take one wrong step?

“Um, the, uh, power of love. It can save or destroy.” Rey cringed at her stuttering.

Kylo nearly rolled his eyes, but managed to restrain himself. Rey narrowed hers at him. “Be more specific.”

“Well, um.” Rey thought for a second, hating the hanging silence that surrounded her, “Love is often used as a motivation or even salvation for characters. In Anakin Skywalker’s first trilogy, the main character, Darth, gives everything he has for the love of his life. He makes the ultimate sacrifice, turning to the Dark Side for her, thinking it will save her. He does this, though ultimately it ends up becoming the very thing that killed her. Through his love, he destroyed himself and his wife. By the same token, love is how Darth is redeemed. Through the love his son has for him, he is able to, essentially, see the light. The power of love destroys and redeems Darth Vader.”

He smirked at her, “So love is the great equalizer?”

“No, death is.” Rey said bluntly.

“So redemption is only possible through death?”

Rey was getting heated. It was clear he was picking an argument with her, “That’s not what I said.”

His smile was cruel, “You said love is not an equalizer, yet it is able to both destroy and redeem Darth Vader. He is redeemed through sacrificing his life, his return to the Light is ultimately what kills him.”

Rey threw her hands in the air, “Equalizers have nothing to do with the love that ultimately turned him to the light side.”

“Killing him.” He pointed out.

“Yes, killing him.”

“The power of love doesn’t seem so great, if it ultimately kills him.” He shrugged, crossing his arms causally over his chest. Rey’s eyes momentarily flickered down to his arms, noting how big they were, just like the rest of him. Fuck him for being so attractive when she was mad at him.

“Would you rather die a hero or live a villain?” She challenged.

His tone was arrogant as he said, “I’d rather my life not be dependent on love for other people, it’s frivolous and unnecessary.”

“I’m sure your mother can attest to that.” Rey blurted before she had the common sense to shut her goddamn mouth.

“ _ Rey! _ ” Rose hissed.

“I-I’m sorry, professor,” Rey’s face was on fire, and she was sure that her face was bright red. Before Kylo could even react Rey was out of her seat and running out of the lecture hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not that i know anything, but i feel like maybe rey should read kylo's (ben's!) comments on her paper like girl!! get on it


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i posted two chapters in a day. sue me. she got kinda thicc this time. hope y'all don't mind. and guess what? i actually have plans! and some future scene ideas! so like, wow. there's a lot more to come, guys, hang in there. i appreciate those of you who read, leave kudos, bookmark, comment, or even click on my story. your support makes my little heart happy, so thank you
> 
> (heavily) unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> you know the drill

Rey hadn’t looked at her story since she’d gotten it back from Kylo. She claimed to be too busy, but she knew the truth. She was scared.  _ How sensitive are you to feedback? _ Kylo had asked.

Very. She was very sensitive to feedback.

She thought back to adoption interviews, where she would sit straight and try to look as prim as possible. She said “ma’am” and “sir”, words that were foreign to her for a long while. She brushed her wild hair, she wore dresses.

She eavesdropped as the adoption agent would talk to the parents, “We’re just looking for one a bit younger,” they said. Always younger. Nobody wanted to adopt an older child, let alone one in the double digits, or close to them. But they would foster her all day. Ship her from home to home, good or bad, not really caring and just wanting to get her off of their hands.

Rey told herself that she’d developed a thick skin, that negative feedback brushed right off of her. It wasn’t true. Deep down, there was a part of her that longed for praise and validation. She craved it like the body craved oxygen. You weren’t aware the body craved it until you were without it. Only, Rey had been without validation all her life.

Every time she thought about Kylo since class, she felt like crying, and, truthfully, she had cried a few times. She thought about e-mailing him. Maybe stopping by office hours. She needed to apologize. She’d gone to far. She’d always thought he was the monster, but it turned out she could be monstrous herself. The thought of seeing him, though, was agonizing.

How could she face him when she’d called him out in front of the entire lecture hall? How could she look him in the eye after she’d made perhaps the most grievous mistake of her life?

Rose called her twenty times after class, but Rey was too busy hiding under her covers, trying to stop replaying the moment over and over in her mind.

Rose eventually stopped by.

“REY.” For such a small girl, her voice could be really big. Rose knocked on the door, “Finn let me in, open up.”

Rey poked her head out of the covers.

Rose opened the door. She had waited all of half a second before doing so.

Upon seeing Rey curled up like a child, her face soften, “Rey.”

“Don’t.” Her voice cracked, “Don’t say anything.”

Rose sat in her desk chair, facing Rey, “I can just sit here in silence if you’d prefer.”

Rey sniffled, “Fine.”

Rose nodded, looking around for entertainment. Her eyes fell to her short story, “You never let me read your story and you promised me I could! Can I take a look?”

Rey pulled the covers back over her head, “Whatever.”

Rey didn’t care anymore, about what his comments would be. Whatever he said about her writing, she deserved it. She deserved the harshest feedback ever. Let it wreck her. It would be better than whatever it was she was feeling now. Hopelessness, maybe. There was no coming back from this and Rey knew it.

Self-consious, Rey poked her head out to look at Rey, “Do you like it?”

Rose’s eyes were wide as she scanned the paper, “Rey this is...”

“Horrible?”

“Have you seen this?” Rose held up the paper, turning it towards Rey, so she could see all the red scribbles in the margins and between lines.

“My story? Yeah.” Rey dodged the question.

“Rey.”

“Rose.”

Rose stood up and walked over to her, “You need to read this, Rey,” she held it out to Rey.

“Why, so I can feel worse?”

“It might make you feel worse, but I don’t think it’s what you’re expecting.”

“Oh my god, you know what? I just remembered my grad school applications are due in two months, I think I should work on those right now, actually.”

Rose rolled her eyes, “Rey I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Niima.”

“I don’t have a middle name,” Rey informed her.

“Well then we should get you one so I can properly scold you!” Rose flapped the papers in her face, “Read it!”

Rey sighed, taking the paper from her, “Why, Rose?”

“Because you need to, and you should have before now.”

Rey knew that. She didn’t need her short menace of a friend to tell her. “Okay.”

Rose nodded, going over to sit back at her desk, “Now comes the sitting in silence part.”

Rey smiled, but it quickly fell from her face as she flipped over her title page and began to decipher Kylo Ren’s calligraphy. Did he have to write in this scrolling script?

Her eyes caught on some words, and she stopped cursing whoever had taught him calligraphy.

Certain things stood out to her, comments added among the critiques of her writing and corrections of her spelling.

> _ This is horrid, please never structure a sentence like this again for the love of god. _
> 
> _ Listen, if I am going to be editing your shit, you have got to use spellcheck, Niima. _
> 
> _ This line is good, really powerful. The next line detracts from it, though, maybe delete it or put it here. _
> 
> _ Rey, I’m tired. You’re sitting across from me, and I am about to fall asleep which would be embarrassing. Much like the thought of you reading this. _
> 
> _ Add a comma here. Why do you have so many run-ons? Your head must be a scary place.  
>  _
> 
> _ I know this isn’t a joke, but it’s ironic because earlier you wrote the exact opposite. Keep it. _
> 
> _ If you truly did possess telekinesis, do you think heavier objects would be harder to lift? Consider that for this part. _
> 
> _ Rey, you switched to present tense right here. You know better. _
> 
> _ This reminds me so much of my grandfather. He was a gifted man. _
> 
> _ Color doesn’t have a “u” in America. Neither does favorite, nor demeanor. You have to retrain your brain if you’re going to publish in the US. _
> 
> _ Do you ever think about death, Rey? I do. _

And, at the very end of her story, this note:

> _ Rey, you impress me. Your writing is skilled. I know I am not an easy man to work with, but I’m glad you asked me for help. This is much improved over the first draft. I hope I don’t scare you off because I’d really like to help you. You are capable of so much more than you can imagine. I hope I can be someone to help you achieve those things. -R _

Rey felt a tear fall down her cheek, practically branding her with the weight of all that it held.

Rose looked at her, “Are you okay?”

“No,” Rey confessed, “I am a terrible person. I judged him so harshly without much evidence and then, then I pressed him to rise to the challenge, to prove it to me, show me how much of a monster he is and got mad when he took the bait.”

Rose shook her head, “No, Rey, you’re not a terrible person.”

Rey hated the tears that came, “Rose, I really messed up. I think I really hurt his feelings.”

“He’s a grown man, Rey, I don’t think you hurt him that badly.”

Rey wiped angrily at her tears, “I did, though. I know it. I was a bitch.”

Rose was quiet for a moment.

“Who is his mother?” Rose eventually asked.

“Leia Organa.”

“The professor?”

Rey nodded.

“You’re close to her, right?”

Rey nodded again.

“Why did you say that? In class, that thing about love.”

Rey sighed, “Before I knew that Kylo Ren was her son, Leia told me that he was... distant from her, to say the least. He had a rough childhood. She never told me specifics, but she said that for a long time he was estranged from her and her husband. Only just recently had they reconnected, and even still he hardly talked to Han and when he did it usually ended in a fight.”

“Wow.” Rose breathed, “More than I ever wanted to know about Professor Ren.”

“Kylo Ren isn’t his real name either, but I don’t know the story behind that.”

Rose’s eyebrows leapt behind her bangs, “Kylo isn’t his real name? He  _ chose _ that for himself?”

Rey laughed, “I guess so, maybe.”

“Huh. The more you know.”

Rey shrugged, “That’s about all I know about him, honestly.”

“Wait,” Rose said, a look of understanding donning her face, “that means Luke is his uncle. So that day he was outside Maz’s. Do you think that was some kind of family thing?”

“Maybe, or maybe it was about Kylo replacing Luke. I’m not sure.” 

Rey blushed at her slip-up. She called him Kylo in her head, sure, but she’d never called him that out loud. Even if it was just Rose. Even if she called other professors by their names. Even if she’d heard other students call him Kylo. It felt too intimate. Like when he called her Rey. She could handle “Miss Niima” from him. But for some reason, when they were alone and the walls between them dropped slightly, he called her Rey and it had her wondering why it sounded so delicious rolling off of his tongue.

Rey wasn’t stupid, though. She knew why. She just hated that he had an effect on her like that. It wasn’t fair. His stupid face and voice and ugh! Rey was over his whole existence. Life was a lot simpler when he wasn’t around. More boring, but simpler. Rey didn’t know which she preferred.

Rose, thankfully, didn’t blink an eye at the casual use of his first name, “It sounds like he doesn’t get along with anyone in his family.”

“He got along with his grandfather well. Leia said he took it hard when he passed.”

Rose furrowed her brow, “Poor baby.”

“Well, that poor baby is a grown man now.”

“Without close family.”

“He has close family he just  _ chooses  _ not to be around them.” Rey’s voice was coated with anger and maybe hurt. How could you have a loving family and give it up like that?

Rose frowned, “Rey, sometimes having family can be just as hard as not having family.”

Rey closed her eyes and breathed deeply.  _ Paige _ . Right. Rose would know all about both. 

“I know. I’m sorry.”

Rose smiled sadly, “It’s okay.”

“He’s an enigma.”

“And I suppose you’re Alan Turing?”

Rey blushed, “I’m not obsessed with him or anything.”

Rose rolled her eyes, “I’m going die of old age before you ever admit to any of your feelings.”

Maybe she would, but Rey didn’t care. Feelings were easier when they were suppressed. You didn’t have to deal with the mortifying reality of having them if you just ignore them. At least, that was Rey’s logic.

Finn poked his head in, “Did I hear feelings? Are we holding the intervention now?”

“Haha very funny, you’re a goddamn comedian.”

Finn pretended to take a bow, “I try.”

Rose smiled brightly at Finn, “Tell her that she’s crushing hard on Kylo Ren.”

“I’ve tried. Doesn’t work.”

“Both of you get out of my room.”

Rey didn’t really expect it to work, but she was still a bit disappointed when neither of them turned around and left. 

Finn stepped fully into the room, leaning on the wall in a way that Rey was sure he thought made him look cool, “Rey, we all know, it’s okay to just say it.”

Rey shook her head, “You’re wrong.”

“About what?”

“All of it. The feelings, the admission thereof.”

Finn and Rose exchanged a look. Rey did not enjoy this tag-teaming.

“At least admit you find him attractive. I do, Rose does, hell, I think even he looks in the mirror and thinks ‘damn’.”

Rey blushed, “He’s not bad looking.”

They groaned.

“What?” Rey looked between the two of them, “What do you want me to say? That he’s hot? That he has a nice smile? Do you want me to say I can’t focus in class when he looks at me? That he takes my breath away sometimes? Fine, yes. All of that. I have a fucking crush on him, okay? He’s moody and rude but sweet, and he can be really funny and it sucks because I just wanted to do well this semester and now I have made the only man I’ve ever had a crush on hate me. Not to mention he’s my bloody professor. So there. You win. Are you happy now?”

Finn and Rose did not look happy now.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Rose said after a brief awkward silence. It wasn’t convincing.

Rey huffed, blowing a stray strand of hair out of her eyes and giving her friends a sarcastic smile, “Thanks.”

Finn shook his head, “Rey, you gotta do something about this.”

“You don’t think I don’t know that?”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey was standing outside his office as he approached her. His expression was more one of shock than anger, which Rey supposed was good. 

She had been here early, but quickly learned that he didn’t show up until much later. Maybe it was why he kept such long nights. Regardless, he was here now. Rey took deep breaths as he took the final steps towards her.

He looked at her, unlocking his door without even a glance. All of his focus was on her, and she tried not to revel in it. Now was not the time.

He pushed open the door, gesturing for her to enter.

She nodded, scrambling into his office.

Rey watched as he entered, closed the door and set down his bag. He did this all in very practiced motions, as if it were a performance for a one-woman audience. He shrugged off his jacket and sat it on the back of his chair. He stood behind it, his hands clenched on the back of the chair.

Rey knew he was waiting for her to speak. She was waiting, too. Nothing that came to mind seemed right. I’m sorry wasn’t enough, and she didn’t know how to say that to him.

“I had a dream about you.” She hadn’t meant for that to come out, but it was too late now. He looked at her blankly, so she plowed ahead, “I was in the creepy hallway. I was walking for a long time and I heard this voice, calling me. It wasn’t you, but you-” Rey remembered the phantom touch of his fingers on her chin and blushed. “You were there.” She finished.

He was still silent, but his eyes roamed her face, flickering from one freckle to another, tracing a pattern only he knew.

“So, I’m not here to tell you about my dreams,” Rey said, her gaze fell in her lap, “That’s weird, you’re not my therapist. I don’t even have one, though sometimes I think I need one. But I’m broke. What I mean is, I’m here because I was awful and I’m sorry. Really sorry. ‘Cause I really fucked up.”

Kylo sighed and sat down in his chair. Rey chanced a look at him. His face gave her no hint as to how he was feeling. His hands were laced together, resting on his stomach as he sat back. Kylo head rest on the back of the chair. His hair fell away from his face slightly, and he had to look down at her. Rey hadn’t ever seen anything so appealing in her life.

“I’m not very good at apologies, either. I don’t give them out as often as I should.”

Rey didn’t know what to say to that.

“How did you know my mother was Leia?” His voice was seductively low, almost bordering on a whisper. Was he trying to kill her or was she just hyper aware of him because of the tension in the room?

“She told me,” Rey whispered.

He closed his eyes, but not for long, “That sounds like her.”

They were quiet for another beat.

“How much do you know?”

“Not all of it. Just the basics. Your name, your grandpa, your mom, your... dad.”

Rey heard his sharp intake of breath and saw his nostrils flare. 

“How  _ much _ about Han?”

“Hardly any,” Rey said earnestly, “I swear. I only know that he died and you two didn’t get along well.”

He hummed, “Would you like to know?”

Rey considered. “Only what you want me to know.”

Kylo raised his head at this, looking at her curiously. It was a long time before he spoke again. Long enough that Rey was sure he wouldn’t say anything.

“Han wasn’t around much when I was a kid. Leia was, but she always had other things on her mind. My grandfather raised me. Read me his books, taught me about writing. He’s the reason for this,” He gestured around his office, “The multitude of books, the mess, and the job. I was named after his mentor, you know.”

Rey did not know this, but she said, “Ben.”

He nodded, a flash of pain crossing his face, “Yes.”

Rey waited, knowing more would come.

“Han didn’t like my grandfather. Nobody did, actually. He wasn’t a good man. Han thought I was too much like him. Perhaps I was, am. Anakin never hurt me, but he hurt others. I think he saw himself in me, and he’s arrogant. I don’t think he could have hurt me even if he wanted to.”

Rey’s heart hurt for the frightened little boy that she saw in Ben’s eyes.

“They sent me away when I was ten, after Anakin was gone. I went to Luke. That wasn’t easy.” He shook his head, lost in his memories.

Rey listened aptly, as if this were a lecture. In a way, it was. Anakin was a part of their curriculum, after all.

He sighed, “But I came back. I resented Han for leaving me with Luke, for hating a part of me that was Anakin, for not being there for me. Things happened within the family business,” he said it sarcastically, “scandals and whatnot. It’s not important, but they all disowned me and I fell in with the wrong people. Changed my name and never looked back.”

“That’s not true, though.” Rey said, “Leia told me, she said you came back to them.”

Kylo shook his head, “I could never go back to them, Rey. Not after I killed Han.”

Rey almost laughed. Kill Han? In what world? “You didn’t kill Han. Han died in a car accident.”

Kylo nodded, “And I lived. Survived with only a scar to remind me that I killed my own father. To remind me that he died hating me.”

“ _ Ben _ .” Rey whispered, not caring that it wasn’t his name anymore or that he was her professor. He was a broken boy in that moment. Rey had never wished so badly that she could hug him.

His eyes, already locked on hers, darkened. He didn’t object, though. He didn’t tell her not to call him that, or to call him professor.

“Your father didn’t hate you,” Rey said, confidently.

“You don’t know that, Rey. You never met him.”

“But I’ve met Leia, and I’ve met you. That’s enough to tell me what I need to know. Han may have hated that Anakin had left his influence on you, but that’s not all of you. And it’s not enough to make a father hate his son.”

“What do you know? You’re an orphan.”

Rey blinked. She wasn’t even that offended. It was true. She was just shocked that he’d lashed out at her. She thought they were past that.

He seemed to realize what he said, horror on his face, “Oh, I’m so sorry, that... was awful.”

Rey smiled, “It’s okay, now we’re even.”

He smiled, too, and it took her breath away, just as it had the first time. “I’d hardly call us even.” He repeated her words back to her.

“So was Han a giant or are you just a genetic freak?”

He laughed. Actually, genuinely laughed. Rey was pretty sure the Earth stopped moving. “He was slightly shorter than me. Maybe an inch. Enough that I could make fun of him for it.”

Rey nodded, “Leia’s short.”

He smiled fondly, “Leia is very short. So are you.”

“I’m average height for a female!”

“Maybe, but everyone looks short to me.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “I hate you.”

Things got suddenly tense again.

“Do you?” Kylo asked. No,  _ Ben _ asked. “Do you honestly hate me? I could see why, if you did.”

Rey shook her head, heart in her throat, “No, I don’t hate you.”

“I don’t hate you, either.”

Rey smiled at him. “I’m glad.”

Ben sighed, “I guess that’s the end of my sad backstory. Riveting, isn’t it?”

“Extremely,” Rey said without any sarcasm, “Though, there are a few plot holes.”

His eyes narrowed at her, “I could say the same to you.”

Rey blushed, “Listen, my story wasn’t that bad.”

Ben shook his head, “No, not the story, _ you _ .”

Rey was shocked. He wanted to know about her? Why?

Rey blinked several times, trying to process. “What?”

“It’s only fair.”

“Since when is fair a matter of concern for you?”

He smiled wickedly, “As of now.”

Rey sighed, leaning back in her chair. “I’m an orphan, what more is there to tell you?”

Ben just waited and Rey looked to the ceiling, unable to bare his brown eyes shining into hers.

“I don’t know who my parents were. Can’t remember them. I know they dropped me off at an orphanage in the US. Didn’t want me. Apparently I was a citizen here, natural-born despite being raised in the UK. I never got adopted. Older kids usually don’t. I lived in a lot of foster homes. One of my last ones, I met my only friend, Finn Storm. He graduated from high school before me, even though I’m a year older than him. I started school late. We moved in together. Now I’m about to graduate college and maybe go to grad school.”

“How long have you and Finn been together?” There was a line of tension in his voice that Rey could sense.

“Five years, about.”

Kylo nodded, his eyes darting down to look at her hands and back up. Suddenly Rey understood.

“Finn is  _ not  _ my boyfriend.” She clarified, “He’s... ew. That’s gross. He’s my brother, if anything.”

Rey didn’t know why she felt the need to tell him that. She just needed him to know.

He nodded, looking less tense, “And you don’t date your brother.”

Rey laughed, “God, no. He’s not my type at all. And he already has a boyfriend, so even if I were interested, he’s most definitely not.”

Kylo nodded in understanding, “Not big on the whole cheating thing, huh?”

“No, they’re maddeningly in love. It’s annoying, really. I don’t even think they know other people exist.”

Ben smiled, “Han and Leia were that way, when they were together.”

Rey cocked her head, “How long were they together?”

“Hm. That’s hard. They got together when Han was about thirty, and Leia was about twenty-”

“That’s quite an age gap,” Rey said, surprised.

Ben smiled, a secret dancing in his eyes, “Love conquers all, I guess. Anyway, they had me when Han was about thirty-seven-ish? That’s seven years. Plus nine. So that’s sixteen. Split up for a while cause of me, maybe five years. Got back together, split up. Let’s just add two years for fun. Then officially remarried when I was seventeen. Now I’m thirty. That’s thirteen plus sixteen and two which is-”

“Thirty-one years.”

Ben nodded, “Thirty-one years, officially together. Much longer when you count the years they were separated but still in love.”

“If they were in love, why did they separate?”

“I don’t know.” Ben shook his head, “Maybe because of me, maybe because he can’t be tied down. Maybe Leia worked too much. Who knows?”

Rey thought back to something. If Ben was thirty, and she was twenty-three. It was a slightly smaller age gap than his own parents. Not that it mattered, but to Rey, it did a little bit.

“Do you wish you knew your parents?”

Rey thought about it. “Not anymore. I did, for a long time. I counted the days until they would come back for me. But then Finn came along and I realized that he could be my family. And it was enough for me, for a while.”

“And now?”

Rey looked at his towering bookshelves, blinking rapidly. “He’s busy a lot. With Poe, and he has a job now, and it’s not the same as it was. Which is fine. I’m happy for him. I’m glad he’s happy, he deserves it.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

Rey smiled sardonically, “You do, too.”

His smile matched hers, “But we both like to wallow in our misery.”

“Misery loves company.”

“That it does.”

They were quiet for a moment, simply looking at each other. It was nice. There were no barriers between them in that moment. They weren’t professor and student. They were two sad, lonely people bonding. Rey felt herself slipping further from professional territory, but she really didn’t care. And, she thought with a thrill, she didn’t think Ben did, either.

He was beautiful, in his sorrow. It pained her. She wondered how much more beautiful he would be if he were happy. Rey suddenly wanted it, wanted to see it with her own two eyes. She wanted to be the reason he radiated with joy.

Maybe her thoughts showed on her face, because he looked away sharply, “Apology accepted, Rey.”

She blinked, coming out of the haze of him. “Professor,” because they were back to this, it wasn’t Ben anymore, “I don’t want anything to effect...”

“It won’t.” He shook his head adamantly, “You don’t need to worry about that, contrary to popular opinion, I’m not cruel. We both said things, it’s over.”

Rey nodded, swallowing thickly, “And, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask a favor.”

He cocked his head cautiously, “What?”

“I hear I’m capable of a lot. Thing is, I don’t have anyone to help me. I think it would be smart of me to have a mentor.”

“Oh, I can set you up with someone, I know of a few people looking to mentor,” He shuffled some papers around on his desk.

“I don’t want them.”

“Oh?” His hands froze, but he didn’t look at her.

“I want you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think there's a part of dialogue towards the end that you guys might assume is a reference but it's not! that thing you think it's referencing (if you catch it) comes later. it'll be a whole thing, don't worry. i wouldn't waste those lines on this scene. if you don't know what i'm talking about, then ignore me. or ignore me anyways, it doesn't matter.
> 
> also, idk if any of the math i did about the ages was right. i'm an english major not a math major. there's a reason. but rey and ben's ages are accurate. i fudged the canon ages a bit because rey is finishing undergrad right now and having ben be actually middle-aged was weird. plus after tros, fuck canon


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was fun to write. it was less tense stuff between ben and rey which like, thank god you know? but don't worry! the fun isn't over yet, it's not reylo if it's not difficult and makes you want to pull your hair out :)
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow me on the tumblr.com: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur

Rey was sad and pathetic but the worst part was she couldn’t even really fell bad about it because she had Finn encouraging her. Poe was against it, but Finn, who had said he was tired of hearing her vibrator at night (Rey blushed at this, unaware that he’d been able to hear it), was full-steam ahead on getting Rey laid for Valentine’s Day.

Rey hadn’t even realized that a whole month of the semester had gone by. Didn’t it just begin? And now they were nearing the half-way point of February. Time was passing her by and the more she thought about the future looming before her the more she began to doubt it.

Yeah, Rey was stressed. She was also frustrated in more ways than one so when Finn told her to get laid, she downloaded tinder right then and there. Finn hovered over her as she created her profile.

“That picture,” he said, tapping on her phone.

“Ew, no. I’m trying to have sex not adopt a grandson. It makes me look matronly.” Rey said, looking at the photo that Poe had snapped of her trying to knit over winter break. It was a short-lived hobby that Rey had tried to pick up. Turns out that while her fingers were delicate and small, they also shook a lot which made it hard to knit, apparently. Go figure.

“Maybe matronly is good. Somebody out there has to have a grandma kink.”

“Finn!” Rey slapped his hand away from her phone, “I am not trying to have sex with someone who wants me to act like their grandmother.”

“Well, maybe not  _ their _ grandmother.”

“Shut up, I’m not putting up that picture.”

Finn huffed, but let her delete it.

There were two pictures of her on there. That should be enough to get the gist of her appearance, surely. Rey wasn’t looking for love. She just wanted one thing.

She began to type out  _ I need to get laid _ in her bio when Finn snatched her phone from her.

“No, ma’am. This will not be your bio.”

“But it’s the truth!” Rey insisted, “I’m not going to pretend I want anything more.”

Finn shook his head, typing something out and handing it back to her.

She read it and looked up at him, her face hopefully conveying her distaste. “I hate when people say this, it’s so lame.”

“It gets the point across without being too vulgar.”

Rey sighed, rereading the short bio he’d typed out for her.  _ Here for a good time not a long time.  _ Rey hoped no one she knew would see this profile. She officially created her profile and was met with a picture of a hippie looking guy with a beard.

“And so it begins.” Rey clicked through his photos, trying to see if she would mind having him in her bed when Finn swiped left.

She looked up at him sternly, “Um, hello?”

“You weren’t going to swipe on him anyways.” Finn rolled his eyes.

“You don’t know that.”

“Rey, the only man you’ve ever had the hots for is Kylo Ren. Kombucha dude is not your type.”

Rey huffed, knowing he was right, but hating it anyways. “Won’t I have a greater chance of getting matches if I swipe on everyone?”

Finn looked at her blankly, “Peanut, you need a mirror. You’re going to get matches. You just have to swipe on dudes you’d actually fuck and trust me, you’ll match with them.”

Rey scrunched her nose. She wasn’t particularly beautiful. She knew this because boys had told her this her entire life. Too skinny, they said. Too many freckles. Wear some make-up and maybe. Your boobs are too small. On and on until Rey came to understand that she was not attractive. 

It was fine with her, pretty much, until a tall man with long hair had come into her life and then all of a sudden she was aware that she was small and plain-looking. Especially standing next to Kylo, who on all accounts could easily pass for a Greek god of some sort. He was all angles and lines and muscle and Rey could only  _ imagine  _ what lay underneath his button down shirts based on the way his biceps would sometimes strain against the material.

Rey looked back down at her phone, “I don’t care what they look like, I’ll take anyone who isn’t a murderer.”

Finn looked at her, “Anyone?”

“Almost anyone.”

Rey began to swipe through guy after guy, matching with people occasionally. She got a few messages that she didn’t bother to read yet. Only after her thumb felt like it was going to fall off did she stop her swiping.

Finn had lost interest a while ago when it was clear Rey was swiping on eighty percent of the guys on tinder.

Finn thought he knew what she should do, but Rey knew better. She had to swipe on almost everyone or else she would get no matches. And she needed one, desperately. She was tired of her less than satisfying orgasms. Even when she thought about Ben’s low voice and his tall frame, she was left disappointed. She knew it was because she needed someone to actually take care of her, a warm body against hers.

Rey began to respond to her messages on tinder.

~*~~*~~*~

Love was in the air, and Rey hated it. Usually she forgot all about Valentine’s Day, not really having any reason to celebrate it. Finn and Poe were even more in love than usual and lately Rey had to leave the apartment for long walks, occasionally even going over to Poe’s to walk his dog, BB.

Rose had been asked out by a pretty girl in her lab and was really excited for their upcoming date. They’d both agreed to go out after the 14th, as to not put pressure on each other, but it was clearly on Rose’s mind.

Rey was happy for her friends, but she couldn’t pretend that she was jealous of them. 

She sat in the chair across from Ben, staring off into space.

“What are you thinking about?”

Her eyes snapped to his, suddenly aware of him again, “Nothing important.”

“Rey, you were staring at a wall for ten minutes.”

Rey shifted uncomfortably, “You don’t want to hear about it, it’s stupid.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Okay,” she said.

The maintained eye contact. She knew he was waiting for her to break.

She groaned, “It’s just... I don’t understand why everybody has to make their relationships everybody else’s business, you know? Like, I am happy for my friends, but they can’t talk about anything else right now and it’s driving me insane. I tried to talk to Rose the other day about our essay, and she just completely blew me off and started talking about her upcoming date.”

Ben laughed, leaning back in his chair, doing that stupid thing where his fingers interlaced and sent Rey’s heart into a tailspin. “That is stupid.”

Rey rolled her eyes.

“Why does it bother you so much?”

“I just don’t get it.”

Ben sighed, “Well, I don’t pretend to be an expert in matters of the heart, but I think it might have something to do with the fact that your friends’ relationships make them happy.”

“I know that.”

“Then what don’t you get?”

“I don’t get why they have to come to me with it.”

He cocked his head questioningly.

“Well, they know I’m... I mean, Rose and Finn are friends. I don’t know why they don’t just talk to each other about that kind of stuff and come to me for other stuff.”

Ben frowned, “Why would they only talk to you about one kind of thing? That’s like saying each relationship you have is for a different outlet of your personality. That makes no sense. Friendships are for sharing multiple parts of yourself, even the parts your friends don’t get.”

Rey huffed, “I don’t like when you make sense about something I’m trying to be mad about.”

Ben raised his hands defensively, “You asked.”

“Did I?”

“No, but I made you tell me anyways.” He smirked at her, “I’m an expert at pulling information out of people.”

“Mhm,” Rey hummed doubtfully. “Did you finish reading my diary?”

“I told you it’s not a diary,” Ben said, pulling the notebook closer to himself, “It’s a writing exercise.”

“Felt like a diary.”

“That’s because you didn’t do it right.”

Rey managed to look at him indignantly, but she knew he was right. She was really tired of him always being right. Something had to give, eventually. She would prove him wrong one day. She vowed it.

Ben flipped through the pages of her spare composition notebook (he insisted on her handwriting this, for some fucking reason), “You know I told you actions, not feelings.”

Rey nodded, “I did that.”

“Do I have to read out each time you didn’t do that or are you going to admit you did it wrong?”

Rey crossed her arms defiantly.

Ben sighed, “Okay, from the beginning: ‘Today Finn ate my breakfast, he’s a bitch. I wish-’”

“Okay, I get it.” Rey cut him off, “I just don’t understand why you want me to write only actions.”

“Because when you write actions it’s as an afterthought. You need to incorporate them more eloquently into your stories or it’s always going to sound like you’re dependent on readers just imagining what you know in your head is happening. They aren’t mind readers. They only know what you tell them.”

Rey nodded, “Okay, but why do I have to leave out my feelings?”

“Because I don’t need to know that you think Finn is a bitch for eating your breakfast, Rey. I’m just trying to get you to write what is happening, what people are doing, how they are moving. Where are they? That kind of thing.”

Rey nodded, reaching for the notebook he handed back over his desk.

“Tell me about grad school.” He said once she’d tucked the notebook back in her bag.

“What about it?”

He just shrugged.

“Well, I don’t know. I need to apply still. I don’t know where, either. I keep forgetting and... it’s too stressful.”

He nodded sympathetically, “Why did you wait this long?”

It wasn’t a secret to Rey that she’d procrastinated a lot. As it was, if she was going to apply, she’d need to do so in December. She’d missed the deadline last year. Not that she had at all been prepared for it, anyway. She didn’t even know where she wanted to go, yet. Nor had she studied for GRE’s. But she was working on it.

“I missed the deadline.”

Ben nodded like he didn’t believe her.

Rey looked away from him, “I don’t know if I’ll make it.”

“And that’s what’s holding you back?”

Rey nodded firmly, “Yes.”

He accepted it, but still looked unconvinced.

“You’ll never get accepted if you don’t apply.”

“Brilliant advice, professor. Truly, you’ve outdone yourself. Are you sure you’re not a counselor?”

He laughed, “Oh god, I think if I were a counselor, half of the students here would kill themselves.”

“You’re not wrong,” she smiled at him sweetly.

“The other half would revere me as their god,” Ben said, seeming to think about his fictional worshipers.

Rey snorted, “Your ego is astounding.”

“You think I’m wrong?”

“I think the other half would avoid you like the plague.”

He leaned forward, his chin resting on his fist, “You’re saying nobody on this entire campus likes me?”

“People cross to the other side of the street when they see you.” Rey teased him.

“That’s hurtful, Rey.”

“I don’t, though.” She pointed out.

He closed his eyes for a second before looking at her again, “Mm, and why don’t you?”

_ Because I have the world’s fattest crush on you. _ “Because I know you’re not as scary as you make yourself out to be.”

“So I don’t scare you anymore?”

Rey shook her head.

He peered at her, his brown eyes soft. Rey could get lost in them forever.

“One student out of thirty thousand. Less than even half of one percent. Fantastic.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s completely accurate. I think we should take into account how scary you are to people and those that respect you and the people who-” Rey cut herself off, “I think you could easily get five percent.” She rushed out, trying to cover up her blunder.

“The people who what, Rey?” He raised a brow at her.

“They just, I don’t know, think you’re not that bad.” She said, nodding absently.

“That’s such bull, just tell me. I promise you won’t hurt my feelings.”

“Well,” Rey wrung her hands in her lap, “I mean, I’ve heard that some people... think you’re... not ugly?” She finished, cringing.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Really?”

Rey nodded, “Haven’t you noticed? They’re not subtle about it.”

Rey could swear he was blushing. “Well, I just thought they wanted better grades.”

Rey laughed, “I don’t think Phasma wears mini-skirts in the middle of winter for  _ grades _ , sir. She sits in the front row and every time you look at her she bites her lip.”

He swallowed and Rey really, really shouldn’t have thought that was ridiculously attractive, especially in the middle of this conversation. But really, who could blame her?

“It’s fine, though, I mean,” Rey was talking too fast, but she couldn’t seem to slow down, “Everybody knows you’re not one of those professors. You know, the old, creepy ones. Who look down girls shirts and stuff. You’re not like that. I think you’d die before you ever thought about your students like that.”

Ben looked uncomfortable, “I-”

“Sorry I brought it up. It’s weird. But anyways, I should be going. Thank you for... this.” Rey nodded to him and quickly left his office.

She didn’t know why she kept getting into uncomfortable situations around him. She’d grown to think of him as two different people. There was Kylo Ren, her professor who still, despite what she told him, scared her a bit. And then there was Ben. He was easy to talk to and made her heart flutter and it was all too easy to forget that he wasn’t just her friend or mentor.

She needed to learn to control herself around him, or she’d end up in a world of trouble that she really couldn’t handle.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey had accidentally turned down every guy on tinder. It wasn’t her fault, really. It was just that none of them could hold a conversation. She was looking for just a hook-up, but she at the very least wanted to know that whoever had access to her vagina wasn’t a moron. She didn’t know why it felt important for her to know their favorite book or what kind of pen they preferred to use was, but it did. Rey couldn’t just have sex with someone and not know them at least a tiny bit.

Maybe casual sex just wasn’t for her.

She had told Finn all of this, and he rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to know which Beatle is their favorite, Rey, they’re all old stodgy white dudes, who cares? Just text one and set up a date tonight. Then sit through the meal, let him pay, and get dicked down.”

Rey blushed, “It’s not that easy, Finn.”

“It is that easy.”

Poe made a noise of disagreement, but wisely didn’t say anything.

“Listen, Poe and I will be out of the apartment tonight, you have the place to yourself. It’s now or never.”

She frowned at her phone. Almost all of her matches had unmatched her when she asked if they had talked to their mothers recently.

There were three guys left, and out of them, she could only see maybe being okay with one of them. He was polite enough. He answered all of her questions, but never asked her any. 

She clicked on their chat history.

_ what are you up to tonight? _

He was quick to respond.

_ Absolutely nothing. I am bored out of my mind. What about you? _

Rey took a deep breath, typing and retyping the message to make it clear but casual.

_ hoping to get a date with a cute guy _

Rey waited, cringing. He was not all that cute. He was attractive, maybe. To someone who was not her. But Finn was right. She’d never really liked anyone until Ben.

_ Where do you want to go? _

Rey smiled. Maybe she wasn’t too bad at this.

_ anywhere _

~*~~*~~*~

He asked to meet her at a bar. That was fine with Rey.

It was called The Cantina. Apparently he didn’t go there that often, but it was close to her place. He was being considerate. His words, not hers.

He bought her a drink, but she wasn’t in the mood to get drunk. She wanted to be mostly sober for the night.

They found a booth in the back, secluded from people but in view, should something go awry.

Rey doubted that it would. Hux didn’t seem like the kind of guy who took charge.

He was better looking in person, but Rey still didn’t feel that pull to him that she did with Ben. She needed to stop comparing the two men. There really wasn’t a comparison.

Still, though, with his hair not slicked back and light stubble grazing his cheeks he wasn’t half bad looking. He never smiled, though. Rey thought that might improve his looks quite a bit.

He was British, too, she found out. Rey realized on her date with Hux why British people were perceived to be uptight. 

She wasn’t the biggest fan of him, but she’d already kind of committed to the date, so she sat through and smiled as he talked about how he was superior to his peers in grad school. Rey had perfected her acting skills, though. She was an expert at nodding and smiling and looking like she was interested in anything he said.

She drank two more vodka cranberries and was almost feeling good about life by the time their date was over.

Rey decided she didn’t like him. But she could sleep with him. 

All that staring had kind of made him cuter. And maybe she had daydreamed about Ben a little bit. She might’ve thought about his hands and his ridiculously plump lips on her. She definitely thought about his voice.

Yeah, she could sleep with Hux. It wouldn’t be that hard, and with any luck, she would finally get that sweet release she so desperately craved.

~*~~*~~*~

Hux was less than satisfying. But he was a warm body, and his hands were almost as big as Ben’s and if she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend.

She pictured what Ben’s brown eyes might look like blown out with lust. She thought about how good he smelled, and wondered if he tasted just as good. 

As Hux touched her, she tried so hard to see Ben.

But, she knew, Ben would be better. Because maybe she’d actually get more than half wet with him. Maybe he would actually take his time. 

It was over quickly, thankfully. Rey laid in her bed, the man panting beside her. She had seen this moment in TV shows. She knew that this was where he put on his clothes, and she went to shower and get herself off.

Except he didn’t move for a while.

Rey finally sat up, “I’m going to go clean up.”

Hux rolled his head over to look at her, a smirk dancing on his lips, “Want me to come help?”

Did he think she’d enjoyed herself?

She shook her head, “I’ll be quick.”

How did you politely get rid of a guy so you could wash your sheets of him? If only she could wash her memories.

She turned on the shower and stepped under the hot stream of water. It wasn’t even worth it to try to masturbate. She had no desire.

She quickly washed herself and prayed that he’d be gone by the time she got out.

He wasn’t. He was still in her bed, still laying down, still there.

Rey didn’t know what happened now. She needed him gone- from her bed and life.

She cleared her throat, and he opened his eyes to look at her. She briefly wondered how she’d found him attractive, “I have an early morning, so you probably don’t want to sleep here. I’ll just end up waking you.”

He seemed to get the hint. Good, because she’d put it very clearly.

He pulled on his jeans and shirt, smiling at her, “This was fun.”

She gave him a tight-lipped smile.

As she escorted him to her front door, he turned to her. “I’ll text you.”

Rey nodded, hand on the door, ready to shut it.

He walked down the hall. Rey locked her deadbolt, and then unlocked it, remembering Finn was out.

She couldn’t wait to never see Hux again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys think i'm some kind of updating god but the truth is i'm just bored as hell because the semester doesn't start for another week-ish and at work i do literally nothing. and i'm not even kidding. my job is to sit there and do nothing so yeah. writing is all i've been doing for the past couple of weeks. anyways, here's the next chapter
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow moi: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur (yeah my icon is ryan evans from high school musical fucking fight me about it)

“So I hear you had a date!” Rose said happily as she and Rey walked into the lecture hall and took their seats.

Rey glanced at Ben out of the corner of her eye, seeing if he had heard. She couldn’t tell, but then again, she shouldn’t care anyway. It’s not like he would care if she went on a date or not. Because he wouldn’t. Rey just desperately wanted him to.

“It wasn’t really a date, it was drinks.”

“Is he cute?”

Rey shrugged, “I mean... I guess. For someone else.”

“Are you still...” She trailed off, darting her eyes to Ben and back to Rey.

Rey blushed, “Shut up, Rose. We can talk about this later, class is about to begin.”

Rose’s eyes flashed with hurt. 

“I’m sorry,” Rey said, “I’m just really tense right now.”

Rose nodded as Ben began his lecture. Rey kept her eyes on her notebook the entire time, too ashamed to look at Ben.

She wasn’t ashamed that she’d slept with someone. That wasn’t a big deal. She was an adult, she could do what she like. Plus, what did he care what she did in the comfort of her own room?

What she was ashamed about was the fact that she’d had another man inside her and tried so hard to pretend it was the man in front of her, currently talking about god knows what.

There was no possible way she could ever look him in the eye again.

Rey heard her name behind her, “Hey, Rey.”

Rey turned slightly, seeing a girl named Bazine smiling at her, “Yeah?”

“Is it true you and Professor Ren hooked up?”

“What?” Rey said, turning slightly more to see Bazine. “Who told you that?”

Rose was now listening as well.

“Well, isn’t that why you yelled at him last class? ‘Cause he fucked you and never called you back?” Bazine smiled wickedly at her.

Rey’s face was flushed, and she shook her head, “That’s not what happened.”

Bazine blinked innocently at her, “Oh.” She leaned back and crossed her arms primly, smiling back up at the front of the class.

Rey turned back around, her heart pounding in her chest. She was sure her face was bright red. Her hands were balled into fists on her desk, and Rose rested a hand over hers. Rey blinked at her friend, anger dissipating slightly.

Rey replayed Bazine’s words over and over. Of course Rey didn’t expect anyone to forget about her little outburst, but for them to jump to such wild accusations. Bazine was cruel, she’d developed a reputation for herself so Rey really shouldn’t have been surprised.

Ben dismissed class early.

Rey stayed seated in her desk, almost unable to move.

As she left Bazine said, “See you around, Rey.”

Rose stayed with her, jumping into a stream of words.

“Nobody thinks that, Rey, I promise. Everybody probably just thinks that he gave you a bad grade and you got pissy. It wouldn’t be the first time somebody insulted him. I mean, you just had the unfortunate experience of doing it in front of everybody. It’s fine, Rey, really. Just breath.”

Rey could feel tears welling in her eyes, hot and angry. God, she was so embarrassed.

She felt a towering presence over her and Rose and looked up, meeting the concerned eyes of her professor.

“I hate to interrupt, but there’s a class coming in at one.” Ben looked solely at her, his eyes dark.

Rose stood, “Come on, Rey, let’s go get some fresh air.”

Rey stood, grabbing her stuff. 

Rose tried to lead her away but before she could, Ben asked, “Miss Niima, could I have a second?”

Rey sighed and nodded at Rose.

“I’ll be right outside.” Rose said, her voice comforting. 

The two of them watch Rose leave the hall.

“Rey.”

“What.” She avoided his gaze.

“Don’t-” he stopped whatever he was going to say, saying instead, “What did Bazine say to you?”

“Nothing.” 

“Bullshit,” he spat, “I saw her talking to you and then you looked like you wanted to murder her. You’re crying, Rey.”

“No, I’m not,” She said, despite the hot tears in her eyes. She blinked them away, but only succeeded in causing them to fall.

When Rey finally looked at him, she could see anger in him. She saw a glimpse of the man people feared, Kylo Ren.

“She didn’t say anything that you need to know about. Why can’t you just back off?”

“If she’s bullying you-”

Rey cut him off, “ _ Bullying  _ me? I’m not a child.” 

Rey began to walk away, but he grabbed her hand, “I  _ know _ that,” he insisted, “I’m just-”

Rey yanked her hand from Ben’s grasp, “You’re just overstepping your boundaries is what you’re doing. You’re my professor, not anything else. It’s none of your business what she said to me or why I’m crying.”

He blinked, dropping his hand from where his and Rey’s had been moments before. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, professor. I don’t think I’m going to make it to our meeting. I have things to take care of.”

He nodded, his eyes looking past her- through her.

Rey hurried out of the hall, quickly finding Rose and throwing herself into her friend’s arms. She felt Rose’s hand pat her back and she let out a sob.

“Let’s go back to my place,” Rose said, “No one will be there.”

Rey nodded into the short girl’s shoulder.

~*~~*~~*~

There was something about crying on someone’s shoulder that bonded two people closer together. Rey told Rose a lot. She spoke of her childhood, her loneliness, her fears. Rose sat and listened to it all, letting Rey get everything off her of her chest.

Rey ended up telling Rose the details about her date.

Rose was disgusted that Rey had sat through this man’s rant about his superiority and hadn't even come.

Rey laughed, wiping her nose, “At least I don’t have to see him again.”

Rose nodded, “What did he say he was getting his MBA in?”

“You know, he never mentioned it.”

Rey and Rose laughed.

“I’m sorry your date didn’t go well. I’m sorry that Professor Ren is so hard to get off your mind.”

“Me, too. I was dumb for scolding him today.”

Rose shrugged, “Maybe not.”

“Why do you say that?” Rey asked, her eyebrows knitting together.

“Well, maybe you needed to do that for yourself. Remind yourself of the boundaries. To him, gabbing your hand is nothing, he’s just reacting. But to you, especially after what Bazine said, it was everything.”

Rey remembered how his hand had felt as it latched on to hers. Strong, warm. Rough. Nothing like Hux’s hands had been on her body. His hands were smooth and slightly cold. It had made her shiver, but not with pleasure.

Rose was right. Rey needed to set boundaries for herself. Yes, Ben talked to her more openly and maybe let their fingers brush as he handed her things, but it would never mean to him what it did to her. She had to pull back. She didn’t want to risk what she did have with Ben, whatever it was. It would be enough. It didn’t matter that she thought about him first thing in the morning. What did matter was that he was closer to her than he’d probably been to any of his students. Rey would accept that. She would take what she could get and treasure it.

~*~~*~~*~

Ben e-mailed her, asking if there was another time they could meet that week. Rey looked at her calendar. She was fully booked except for-

> I can do right now. 
> 
> -R

Ben’s e-mail was instant.

> I’m in my office.
> 
> -R

Rey was thankfully already on campus for her evening class, so it was a quick walk to his office.

She knocked on his door, opening it.

Ben saw her and smiled tentatively.

Rey sat across from him, as always, “I didn’t mean what I said today.”

Ben frowned, “If you’re uncomfortable with anything-”

“I’m not. Bazine just... said some things that upset me. About you. But I didn’t mean it. You weren’t overstepping.”

Ben thankfully didn’t ask her what Bazine said. He took a deep breath, “Listen, Rey, I’m not going to pretend like I haven’t been less than professional with you, but it’s not... I never mean for anything to upset you.”

“Ben.” She said. It was only one of a handful of times she’d ever called him that directly. He’d never told her not to, but every time an undecipherable look passed over his face, “You don’t upset me. At least, not in the way you’re thinking. I’m... we’re-”

“Friends.” Ben finished for her, seeming to understand her inability to.

Rey smiled, “Yeah, friends. Among other things.”

“Among other things.” He agreed.

“Speaking of, I didn’t finish the exercise you gave me this week, some asshole professor of mine assigned me an essay and that took precedence.”

His eyebrows rose, amusement dancing in his eyes, “What an ass.”

“Yeah, he really is,” Rey smirked at him, “But he can be alright sometimes.”

“I don’t think so, a tiger never changes its stripes.”

Rey shook her head, “You-”

She stopped talking as Ben’s eyes snapped up to something above her.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t stop by whenever you feel like it?” Ben said, his voice turning into something hard. His professor voice. 

It was the first time that Rey noticed his tone had softened around her. She revealed in the feeling for a second before reminding herself about boundaries.

“Sorry, Ren, I didn’t realize you’d have company.” A voice behind her sneered and her blood ran cold.

She whipped around to see the man she already knew was behind her.

He smiled at her, “Good to see you again, Rey.”

Rey’s mouth dropped open, “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Hux’s tone was cordial, but his eyes were suspicious.

“I’m having a meeting with Professor Ren.”

Ben spoke up, “You guys know each other?”

Rey turned back around to Ben, her face white as a ghost, “No.”

At the same time Hux said, “Yes.”

“It’s pretty clear you do.” Ben said, his face unreadable.

Rey sunk in her chair, “I mean, barely.”

“I’d say we know each other pretty well.” Hux’s voice made his innuendo very clear and Rey cringed.

This could not be happening. This absolutely could not be happening to her right now. She never wanted to see Hux again, let alone in the office of the man she’d been fantasizing about while having sex with Hux.

“Oh.” Ben said. 

There really wasn’t much more to say than that.

Everybody was silent for a long while, processing the situation. Suspension hung in the air like a thick fog.

“So,” Rey said, “How do you two know each other?” Things couldn’t get any more awkward so Rey might as well ask.

“Hux is one of my grad students.” Ben said tightly.

“Of course he fucking is.” Rey muttered, rolling her eyes.

“Rey, don’t be foul.” Hux said.

Rey’s eyes widened, and she turned to look at him, “Excuse me?”

Hux looked at her, “You should watch your language in front of your superiors.”

Rey almost flew over the chair at him, she really did. Something held her back, though. Maybe it was Ben’s light laugh. 

“You know, I’ll back at a different time.” Rey said evenly, picking her things up, “I’ll let you talk to our  _ superior _ alone.”

“Rey,” Ben said, “you don’t have to leave, whatever he needs, he can come back.”

“Oh, no, I wouldn’t dream of it.” Rey stood and shouldered her backpack, “We didn’t have anything else to discuss anyway. I’ll work on the things you gave me. See you in class.”

Hux walked past her, and she held herself back from sneering at him as he did. That was just childish. Rey was better than that.

As Rey left, she heard Ben saying (back in his professor voice, maybe a little more edge to it), “Hux, you cannot stop by any time you feel like it, this is why we have set meeting times. Rey and I were...”

She couldn’t hear any more the further she got away from his office. Rey enjoyed the distaste in Ben’s voice, though. Maybe he disliked the man as much as she did. 

She remembered that he knew about her little escapade with Hux and groaned in the empty hallway. Every time she thought things between them started to get better, something came up. Rey picking a fight, an accusation from Bazine, Hux’s interference. When would she be allowed a day or two to enjoy her newfound friendship with the man? She wanted just one day of relishing the way he’d said “friends” to her.

But now she had to go to sleep that night knowing that Ben knew Hux had sex with her. She knew he probably didn’t care, or if he did it was only to wish that he didn’t know this information, but it still gnawed away at her.

She went home and screamed into a pillow. This semester had been a fucking rollercoaster, and she was only a little over a month in. She dreaded to think what else could possibly be in store.

~*~~*~~*~

She’d met Luke Skywalker. She was at Leia’s house, having dinner with the woman when Luke Skywalker came through the front door without notice.

“Leia, do you have a minute?” The man called out.

Rey choked on her pasta, recognizing his voice from online interviews she’d watched, and Leia grinned.

“In here, Luke.”

Luke ducked into the dining room, spotting Rey, “Who is this?”

Rey tried to swallow sharply and started coughing when she choked on her pasta. Her eyes began to water and Leia patter her on the back.

When Rey was able to breathe again, she looked at Luke, awed. “I’m Rey.” Her voice was scratchy, and she quickly gulped down half of the water in her glass.

Recognition shone in his eyes, “Oh, you’re Rey.”

Rey looked between Leia and Luke, astounded that he knew who she was. Had Leia talked about her to everybody?

Leia gestured to an empty chair, “Have a seat, Luke, there’s extra food.”

Luke shook his head, “Can’t stay long, I was just wondering if you’d talked to Ben.”

Leia sighed deeply, “About what?”

Luke glanced at Rey, who turned her eyes to her plate, pretending she wasn’t listening.

Luke’s voice lowered, though everyone knew Rey could still hear him perfectly. “He’s been dodging me.”

“Like that’s new.” Leia almost laughed.

“It’s not funny, Leia, this has gotten out of hand.”

Leia shrugged, “It’s between you and him, Luke. I’m done trying to interfere. It almost cost me my son once, and I won’t let it happen again.”

Rey couldn’t hide the glance she took at Luke. Anger was etched into the many lines on his face. His eyes turned to her.

“So you’re the prodigy.”

“What?” Rey asked, her eyebrows rising in surprise.

“The one Leia talks about, that’s you, right? Rey Niima?”

“I-” Rey looked to Leia, who looked at her. “I mean, that’s my name, yeah.”

Luke nodded, “You should be careful around Ben. He has a temper.”

With that, Luke Skywalker turned around and left the dining room, leaving Leia and Rey alone once again.

Leia sighed, “I’m sorry about him. And all of this family drama.”

“I still have no clue what’s going on, truthfully. It’s just confusing the hell out of me.”

Leia closed her eyes, “The only one you should hear it from is Ben. For too long, I always listened to Luke about it, but then I heard Ben’s story. It’s long and complicated, but I’m not the one to hear it from, Rey.”

“I don’t think he’ll ever tell me.” Rey said, moving pasta around on her plate with her fork.

~*~~*~~*~

It was late at night when her phone buzzed. Rey had just settled into bed. She debated looking at it. She could just fall asleep, and deal with who ever it was in the morning. Something pulled at her, though, telling her that she couldn’t fall asleep. Not until she checked her phone.

Groaning, she reached for the offending device and saw a text from an unknown number. She knew who it was instantly.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ You met my uncle. _

Rey grinned at her phone, despite the message. He’d texted her. This was new. This was dangerous.

Rey quickly created a new contact for Ben, putting a heart emoji next to his name, just to see what it looked like. Rey stared at it for longer than she’d like to admit before changing it to the briefcase emoji. That was innocent enough, right? Never mind the fact that she had only designated four people in her contacts important enough to her to be worthy of emojis, five including Ben.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ briefly _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Aren’t you going to ask how I got your number? _

Rey didn’t care. All that mattered was that he was talking to her. They were texting. This wasn’t e-mailing, where the school could easily read it should they so choose. This was between them.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ you have ways of pulling information out of people, remember? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ It was Leia _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ i know.  _

She had to wait a bit for his response.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ Was he everything you dreamed he would be? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ no, not in the least. i thought he would be nicer. though his attitude may have had something to do with the fact that he was talking about you _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ What did he say _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ ah, there it is. you could’ve just asked me that outright, you know _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Please. _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ nothing i was able to understand. your mysterious past remains intact _

She carefully neglected Luke’s warning to be careful around Ben. She didn’t need Luke to tell her he had a temper. She knew that. He’d never genuinely scared her, though, and that was enough for her to trust him.

Rey had given up on receiving a response. The conversation was over. Ben had gotten the information he needed. There was nothing left to say. Rey’s heart dropped a little at this realization. They weren’t going to chat. This wasn’t a conversation he’d initiated simply because he wanted to talk to her. It was him making sure his uncle had maintained his secrets. 

No need for any further communication tonight, and yet her phone buzzed in her hand.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ So, Hux? _

Rey blushed, almost wishing that he hadn’t texted her again. Almost.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ oh my god do not _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ What? You aren’t planning to elope? I was going to get you a toaster as a wedding gift. _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ there aren’t words invented for how much of a mistake going out with him was _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Not your dream man? _

Was Hux her dream man? No. He wasn’t tall and gorgeous, he didn’t make her heart pound. Hux didn’t tease her or make her laugh or bring butterflies to her stomach. Hux’s voice couldn’t bring her to her knees. Hux wasn’t Ben.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ not even close!! _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Well, not that it’s any of my business who you date, but I’m glad you think he was a mistake _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ why? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ He’s not right for you. _

She didn’t respond for a long while. Long enough that a new message came in.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ Goodnight, Rey _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ night, ben _

Rey’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how i am at writing angst but we'll see lmao
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow me on tumblrrrrrr: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur

Rey couldn’t count how many times she had thought about texting Ben, typed out a message, and then deleted it. She really shouldn’t have this kind of access to the man. She would end up doing something stupid, she was just sure of it. So far though, she’d managed to restrain herself. Barely.

Any time she wanted to text Ben, she instead texted Rose or Finn.

They both responded promptly, but not in the way that Ben would have. It left her feeling slightly hollow. She hadn’t texted him more than that night, yet the knowledge that she was able to but didn’t- couldn’t- was painful.

Rey found herself constantly checking her phone, as if he would text her. She knew it was lame and weird and childish of her, but she couldn’t stop. She reread their conversation over and over until maybe she had mostly memorized it.

It wasn’t like she wouldn’t see him soon or anything, but this was an unprecedented kind of access to the man that she hadn’t had before. Knowing she could message him directly was like an alcoholic having a gift card to a liquor store. Eventually she would crack.

It snowed heavily the night before class and it gave her an idea.

She grabbed her phone, not letting her doubts stop her, and sent him a text message.

**_Rey:_ ** _ it’s snowing and therefore i will legally be unable to attend class tomorrow as i am not built for cold weather _

Rey regretted it as soon as she sent it. Five minutes passed by and then ten and by the time she was going to run her phone through the garbage disposal, he responded.

**_Ben:_ ** _ That feels like something you should e-mail your professor about. _

Rey’s stomach dropped. Was he telling her not to text him? Fuck, fuck fuc-

**_Ben:_ ** _ Do you have a doctor’s note or am I just expected to believe this without evidence? _

Rey smiled.

**_Rey:_ ** _ no doctor’s note, but i can send you a picture of me outside freezing my ass off and maybe you’ll take pity? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Do I seem like a man who takes pity to you? _

**_Rey:_ ** _ no, but i’m your favourite so I might as well try _

Oh, god, did Rey really just say that? Did she really just  _ say that to him _ ?

**_Ben:_ ** _ Who says you’re my favorite? _

Rey took a deep breath. This was risky territory. She really should not be excited by this, the butterflies in her stomach should not be encouraging this!

**_Rey:_ ** _ if it’s not me, then who? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Well, Phasma DOES wear those mini skirts for me... _

Rey dropped her phone. She blushed furiously. She had no idea what the fuck that meant or what the fuck to say back to that.

She picked up her phone to another message.

**_Ben:_ ** _ Fuck, Rey, that was so stupid of me to say, it was supposed to be a joke, I’m sorry _

Rey’s heart beat so fast she thought that she would be able to see it jumping out of her chest if she looked down.

**_Rey:_ ** _ are you implying you want me to come to class tomorrow in a mini skirt when it’s snowing like eight metres out there? that’s really dangerous, ben, i could get frostbite _

Rey could practically feel the relief in his next message.

**_Ben:_ ** _ Well, I would never ask you to put yourself in danger for me. When I see you in class tomorrow, I expect at least three layers _

Rey snorted. He was dumb. She loved it.

**_Rey:_ ** _ but honestly, do you think phasma will risk it and wear something scandalous tomorrow or do you think even she’s going to dress appropriately? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I guess we’ll have to see, but based on recent history, I’d say she will wear something warmer than usual but will still expose way too much skin to be safe _

**_Rey:_ ** _ i’m not going to say that i bet you five dollars that she wears thigh-high boots, but if she does you should just give me five dollars anyway. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Betting on students is wrong, so I’m not going to accept that NOR am I going to bet you ten dollars that under her coat she’s probably going to be wearing something more appropriate for summer. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ well in that case, i don’t accept _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I’m a terrible person. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ only a little bit _

Rey laughed when he sent back the middle finger emoji. She only hesitated for a second before sending him a heart emoji. He disliked her message.

**_Ben:_ ** _ For the record though, if I did have a favorite student (which I don’t), it would be you. _

Rey loved his message and clutched her phone tightly to her chest as she fell asleep, as if the warmth of her phone could serve as a replacement for the man on the other end of it.

~*~~*~~*~

Phasma was wearing thigh-high boots the next day, and Rey grinned at Ben who glared back at her.

“Why does he look like you ran over his dog?” Rose asked, leaning into Rey.

“‘Cause he’s a sore loser.” Rey said without further explanation.

Phasma never ended up taking off her coat, so they were unable to tell what she was wearing underneath.

After class, Rey practically skipped up to Ben, who was already pulling out his wallet.

“You’re terrible, you know. Taking money from a professor.”

“I’m broke, just think of it like you’re funding my education,” Rey said, taking the five dollar bill he handed her.

“I  _ am  _ your education.” He grumbled, picking up his briefcase, “You’re paying to scam me.”

Rey and Ben walked side by side towards the exit, “A bet is not a scam, and you’re the one who took me up on it.”

“Because I thought I would win.” He held the door open for her.

Rey smirked at him as she passed, “Maybe you did, but we’ll never know.”

Ben scowled at her. 

They seemed to know without either one of them saying anything about it that Rey was going to his office with him. The walk was pleasant, one that Rey had become used to. The creepy hallway was no longer all that creepy. Not when it was associated with Ben. It led her to one of the coziest places she’d ever been, how could it be all that bad?

Ben once again held the door open for her, and she took her usual seat. “You know, I’ve never seen you actually use that couch.”

Ben looked to where she pointed, “You wouldn’t. I use it sparsely, mainly when I need a nap or need a break from the barrage of idiot students.”

Rey laughed, “That thing doesn’t look big enough to hold you.”

Ben shrugged, “It gets the job done.”

Rey shook her head, amused.

Ben turned away from her to log in to his computer and check his inbox.

Rey supposed they didn’t really have any reason to meet. It just seemed like the thing to do. So she took out her laptop and started working on whatever homework assignment she could focus on.

Not that focusing was at all possible when Ben reached out and put on his glasses.

Rey knew he wore them. They were always sitting on his desk. It would make sense that yes, of course Ben would wear the glasses. She just hadn’t been blessed enough to see it.

When she did, she couldn’t stop staring. God, he was something out of a badly made porn. She wanted to rip off his stupid sweater and button-down and have her way with him. Maybe if she got him riled up enough first, he would bend her over and teach her a lesson.

These kinds of thoughts were not healthy when she was sitting less than ten feet away from him, but here she was, fantasizing about asking him for extra credit and then sucking him off.

She blushed, returning her gaze to her computer before he could catch her staring. He was so focused on his work, though, Rey doubted if he would notice if a tornado hit.

She liked the set of his jaw when he was focused. It would clench slightly, muscles underneath the skin feathering out attractively. His eyebrows were knit together, causing two perfect lines to appear between them. Rey wanted to stroke his face just to know if she could feel the tension as clearly as she could see it.

He turned to her quickly, and she tried to pretend she hadn’t just been staring at him. “You never turned in your response paper to  _ The Emperor’s Reign _ .”

_ Fuck _ . She had completely forgotten about that. “Um... when was that due, again?”

“Rey.”

“I swear I did it.” Rey tried to look earnest, but she knew that he could see right through her.

“ _ Rey _ .”

“Okay, fine, I didn’t do it, but like, to be fair, it was a pretty lame book.”

Ben rolled his eyes at her, but she saw the way the corner of his mouth perked up a little, “It’s worth fifty points and it’s already late, are you going to turn it in or not?”

Rey sighed, opening a blank document on her laptop, “I’ll do it, just give me a second.”

“You have thirty minutes or I’m not grading it.”

“That’s completely unfair.”

Ben didn’t say anything, simply turning back around to his computer.

Rey tried to remember literally anything that happened in the book, “Is SparkNotes a good academic resource, professor?” 

She was just able to dodge the stress ball he threw at her head. She laughed, beginning her response, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey discovered that Ben had written and published a book when she was in the library a week later. She immediately texted him a picture of the front of the book with ten question marks.

He didn’t reply, but her phone started buzzing a second later.

“Where did you find that?” She almost passed out at the sound of his voice growling in her ear so lowly.

“Hello, to you, too.” She whispered.

Rey could hear the exasperation in his voice, “Why are you whispering and where did you find that?”

“I’m in the library, I can’t talk loudly.”

He hummed lowly and Rey shivered, “Which library?”

“You’re never going to find out.” She said, her voice as teasing as she could while still being quiet.

“I’ll come to all of them.”

“What are you going to do, burn it?” She asked, flipping through the pages.

“Perhaps.” Her stomach flipped, but she couldn’t tell if it was in a good or bad way.

“What’s so bad about it?” She flipped the cover over, nearly swooning when she saw his author picture, “How old were you in this picture?”

“Rey.”

“Ben.” She challenged him.

“Do not read it.”

“Tell me why.”

He didn’t speak for a while so Rey said, “If I get a copy, will you sign it for me?”

He sighed, “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“Can I read it?”

“I don’t see how I’m going to be able to stop you.”

“What’s so bad about it?” She repeated, hoping for an answer other than the obvious. He just didn’t want _ her _ to read it.

He sounded resigned when he said, “You’re going to think I’m so fucked in the head after you read it.”

“I would never.” This time when she whispered, it wasn’t because she was in a library. He sounded broken, and she wanted nothing more than to comfort him, “If you really don’t want me reading it, I won’t. You just have to tell me.”

The other end was quiet except for his breathing, “You might as well.”

“You’re sure?” She double-checked.

“Yeah- just don’t think worse of me.”

“Never.” She promised.

He sighed, “Okay. And burn it after you’re done reading it.”

Rey laughed lightly, “I can’t destroy the university’s property, as much as I would enjoy doing so. Though, if it helps, it looks in pretty good condition. Maybe nobody has ever checked it out.”

Ben sounded unconvinced.

“Alright, well.” She didn’t want to hang up.

“Yeah.” He said quietly, almost whispering himself.

They didn’t speak for a while, but then Ben cleared his throat and said, “I have a meeting soon, so I have to go.”

“Oh, yeah, totally. Um, bye.”

“Bye, Rey.” 

There was a beat of silence, and then he’d hung up. Rey’s hand didn’t move from holding her phone to her ear until long after he’d hung up. Maybe if she never moved, she could savor the sound of his voice in her ear forever.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey looked Kylo Ren (the book was published under his new name) up online that night. There wasn’t much. His profile on the university’s website. His bio included nothing about published works.

He had no social media, which didn’t surprise Rey in the least. There was a LinkedIn page that hadn’t been updated in a few years.

When Rey searched Amazon and Barnes and Noble for his name, nothing pulled up. She tried searching his name along with the title of the book (“The Dark Prince”), and again nothing. It was like the book didn’t exist.

She thought about calling around to local bookstores, but thought that might be going too far. Still, though, she thought about it.

Nevertheless, she had her hands on the book now, and she could read it. First she read the synopsis. Then she read the author’s bio. It wasn’t much.

_ Kylo Ren is a poet and writer. This is his first published novel. _

That was it. It seemed unusually sparse, but who was Rey to know any better?

She was nervous for some reason. She ran her hand over the book cover, taking in the simple artwork. It was just a black background with red words emblazoned on the front. Just his name and the title of the book. No reviews, no celebrity endorsements. 

This felt so oddly intimate. Knowing him, and being able to read his novel. How many others had read this book and felt closer to him? Would she emerge knowing more about him, or less?

Rey opened the book to the title page. There wasn’t a dedication.

She began to read.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey lost herself in a world of a lost boy who had been abused and abandoned. Nobody noticed his pain, nobody came to his rescue. She read as he grew up under a microscope. People watched him everywhere he went. They wanted something from him. They wanted him to be like his parents. His parents, who were never around. His father was always off chasing the next big adventure. His mother had duties, things she had to do that were much more important than raising her son. He grew up alone, save for a voice inside his head. This voice understood him, understood his pain.

The voice, his own, he thought, was his only comfort in the first few years of his life. He trusted it, knew that the only thing it had in mind was his best interest.

The boy was sent away when he became troublesome.

His uncle tried to train him to be like him, to be better. He wasn’t sure he was able to be better. Better wasn’t for him, the voice said. Sometimes people were born to be worse, sometimes worse  _ was _ better.

Rey had never felt more connected to a character in her life. She knew the pain of loneliness, of trying to figure out who you were. She didn’t know about the pressures of a legacy, but she knew what it was like to try to prove herself when people expected nothing.

The boy grew up to be evil, and Rey couldn’t help but wonder if this is how Ben saw himself.

He murdered his own father, he destroyed planets. He didn’t stop until everyone who had wronged him, who had abandoned him or ignored his pain was dead. He would have his vengeance on every person who stood by and let him become the monster he was.

There was really no ending to the book, just the boy’s sudden death. There was no satisfying end, no justice for the broken boy. In the end, the thing that killed him was himself. He had gotten every bit of revenge he thought he wanted, but there was no peace that came with it. Just more pain, more guilt, more anger.

The voice, not his own but someone else’s, killed him. There was no justice for the boy, and somewhere, Rey was afraid that maybe Ben Solo thought there was no justice for himself.

~*~~*~~*~

**_Rey:_ ** _ how come i’m only hearing of this book now? _

Rey really didn’t have a clue how to approach this, but she knew that she had to. She couldn’t just read this book, his words, that had clearly stemmed from such agony and pretend it didn’t exist.

**_Ben:_ ** _ It never got published. There are only a handful of printed copies. I don’t know why or how that came to be at the library. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ oh. how come? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ The publishers and I had a falling out. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Did you already read it? _

**_Rey:_ ** _ yeah. couldn’t put it down, actually. i’m sure you don’t need me to tell you it’s amazing, though. but it is. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Thanks _

**_Rey:_ ** _ i cried _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I’m sorry. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ no, i am _

**_Ben:_ ** _? _

Rey called him. This was too much to try to say over text. This, she swore, would be the last time she called him. He didn’t need her butting into his life. But she just had to tell him that he wasn’t evil, just because he was broken.

“Hey.” He sounded sleepy, and Rey’s heart swelled.

“Sorry it’s so late,” Rey said, remembering that it was nearly two in the morning when she finished the book.

“It’s fine, Rey. I don’t have class tomorrow.”

“You need sleep.”

He agreed, but made no move to hang up.

“It’s you, isn’t it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath, “Who?”

“Don’t play dumb, you’re smarter than anyone I know.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Ben,” her voice cracked, “I’m so sorry, you should never feel like this. It’s not... you know it’s not true, right?”

He didn’t respond.

“You’re not a bad man, I know that. There’s so much good in you.”

“I beat up my uncle, Rey.”

“What?” Rey’s shock came through in her voice.

“He started it, but I... I ended it.” The pain was clear in his voice.

“What happened?”

He took a deep breath, “Do you know why Luke got fired?”

“No,”

“He was trying to write a tell-all expose about our family and how fucked up it is. It would’ve been a bestseller. The university didn’t want the bad press. Generations of my family work here, think about how it would look to them.”

Rey nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see her.

“So he told Leia, who told me. She was upset about it, and rightfully so. It looked bad on all of us, even if most of it was true. I confronted him and he said I’d always been a bad kid, always going against what was best for everyone just because I could. He was drunk. Angry. It reminded me of my grandfather, and I got scared. Anakin would never hurt me, but Luke... he never liked me. Never.”

He was quiet for a long time, and Rey let him be. He needed to sort out his thoughts, maybe, or try not to fall into a black hole of bad memories. Maybe she was stupid to have brought this up, but if she ended it now, she knew he’d never talk to her about this again. He was too vulnerable and she had to be careful.

“So he tried to choke me.” Ben said quietly, “And I fought back. I knocked him unconscious.”

“You defended yourself. You were scared. You aren’t a bad man for that, Ben, you reacted how most people would.”

“Maybe.”

“But what does that have to do with the book, that all happened recently, right?”

“Yeah, it happened a week or two before the semester.” He said, his tone seemed self-conscious, “The book was years ago.”

“So-”

“So, I’m trying to tell you I’m a bad man. The book is... it’s whatever but  _ me _ , I’m bad. There’s so much anger in me, for nothing. No fucking reason. Luke isn’t the first person I’ve beaten and probably won’t be the last, Rey.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person, Ben. There’s nothing you can say to me that would make me think there isn’t some good in you. I-” Rey didn’t continue.

“You’re naive.” His voice was ragged and Rey knew he was close to crying.

“Maybe so, but that doesn’t change my mind.”

“Rey-”

Rey’s voice was perhaps a little too exasperated when she said, “No, stop pushing back against this. You’re so convinced you’re a bad guy. It’s maddening, the lengths you will go to in order to convince yourself that you’re a villain.”

“I’m not a hero, either.”

“You don’t have to be either of those things, though. Can’t you see that? Life isn’t heroes or villains, Ben. It’s just people, normal people like you and me. The world isn’t a fantasy novel.”

“But it’s not that simple, either.” He sounded like he felt obliged to say something to put himself down. Like it was an impulse he couldn’t control, a habit so deeply ingrained that he physically couldn’t believe otherwise.

“You told me that Anakin never hurt you,” Rey whispered, “but who did?”

Ben took a shaky breath, “Rey, don’t.”

“Someone did, though. I can tell. You don’t have to tell me, but I know. They were wrong to hurt you, Ben. You didn’t deserve that. Whatever voice it was in your head telling you these things, they were wrong about you.”

“This isn’t right,” Ben whispered. 

Rey couldn’t tell for sure, but she thought that maybe his voice was tight with emotion. He was able to hide it well, though.

“What isn’t?” she tried to keep her voice gentle, but fear struck through her.

“You. Me. Any of this. It’s not right.”

Rey’s voice was a lot steadier than she expected, “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know.” He sniffed his nose, as if clearing the air, “Uh, I should go. It’s late.”

“Yeah, okay.” Rey said weakly.

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Rey hung up the phone, numbness spreading through her body. Had he finally caught on? Was he scared of her feelings? Or was he upset that he’d let her get so far into this without stopping it beforehand?

He was right, none of their behavior was right. But it felt right. To Rey, at least.

Rey laid down in her bed, rolling onto her side. She had gotten too attached to him. She was too far gone. If he stopped talking to her now, her heart might just break.

Something struck her like a match. Ben’s words rang in her ears again. _I'll talk to you tomorrow._ Tomorrow was Saturday.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made myself cry when i was writing (not this chapter, lol, it's like a few chapters ahead). i hope this one isn't sad. i made myself laugh while writing this one. anyways, enjoy and as always i'm so fucking grateful for those of you reading/commenting/kudos-ing/etc.
> 
> unedited and unbeta'd
> 
> follow me you know where

Poe was a son of a bitch and Rey was going to slam his head into the cash register drawer when she saw him. Granted, all of this was her fault, but it was still Poe’s fault.

It was too early for Rey to be awake, especially considering she had gone to bed only two hours ago.

“I’m sorry, my opener is sick. I’ll pay you double,” Poe said through the phone.

“Poe, isn’t there anybody else?”

“Rey, you know I wouldn’t call you if there was.”

It was true. Rey worked at Poe’s bakery once in a blue moon. It was usually a last minute thing, if someone didn’t show up, they got sick, their babysitter didn’t come, whatever. Sometimes Poe did schedule her, though, if he expected heavier traffic than usual, but most of the time Rey was his back-pocket employee. He always paid her double for the inconvenience, he said, but Rey knew it was because he liked her better than all of his other employees because she actually did her job right. Poe had tried to officially hire her a dozen times now, but she always turned it down. She didn’t want to feel like she got the job just because she was friends with the boss.

“I’m liable to pass out in the cinnamon rolls.”

“Go for it, as long as you’re alive and there, that’s all I need.” Poe said, relief flooding his voice.

“Fine,” Rey grumbled, “but you owe me triple.”

“Sure, Rey, whatever you need.”

Rey cursed him and hung up.

Why did Poe have to open at 5am on a Saturday anyway? Nobody came in until at least after nine.

Maybe, if she was lucky, she could take a nap while there.

The walk to Poe’s bakery was thankfully a short one. It was close to Finn and Rey’s apartment. Finn and Poe had actually met there, after Finn had ordered enough cinnamon rolls to feed a nation before getting the courage to ask the owner out.

Rey found the spare key she had on her key chain and grumbled as the alarm began to sound. She punched in the code, flipping on the lights as she did. 

_ Good morning, Poe’s Pastries. I hate that I’m here, _ Rey thought.

Rey went through the motions of setting out fresh baked goods and brewing the first pot of coffee. She poured herself some, thanking anyone who would listen that Poe comped coffee for employees.

Rey sat on the back counter, sipping her coffee and watching the quiet street outside.

Had it been just three hours ago that she’d talked to Ben? It seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had been said, that Rey couldn’t remember half of it. Or maybe that was her sleep-addled brain. 

The one good thing about the morning shift on Saturdays, was that nobody came in and that meant that Rey had time to get homework done.

She was half-way through Ben’s latest writing exercise for her when the bell above the door rang, alerting her to a customer.

“Good morning, welcome to-” Rey stopped short at the sight of the man in front of her, “Poe’s Pastries.” She finished flatly.

Hux grinned at her, “Fancy seeing you here, Rey. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you here on Saturday mornings.”

“I’m covering for someone.”

Hux nodded, coming up to the counter, “Well, I will have a large black coffee and a blueberry muffin.”

“Is that all?” Rey said, tapping the POS system.

“I’d like another date, if you’d be so kind.” He said in what Rey was sure he thought was sexy, but just came off creepy.

Rey looked up at him, “That’s not on the menu.”

“Oh, come on, Rey.” Hux said, handing her his credit card.

“Hux, I thought I made it clear it was a one-time thing.” Rey swiped his card and handed it back to him, “I’m not interested in anything more.”

“Neither am I, Rey. That’s the beauty of it. Neither of us are looking for anything serious.”

Rey handed him his receipt and went to make his coffee, “Hux, I’m not going to be your booty call.”

“Must you put it so perversely?”

Rey waited for the coffee to pour and then put a lid on it. She grabbed a muffin from the case, “It was one time only, that’s the deal.”

She handed him his drink and food.

He took it from her but stood there, “Give me one reason.”

“I’m not interested. That’s reason enough.”

Hux shook his head, “It’s not.”

Rey sighed.

Hux began to leave the bakery, thankfully, but stopped and turned around before exiting, “I’m not done with you, Rey.”

Chills swept down her spine as he departed, the bell ringing after him like some kind of omen.

~*~~*~~*~

Ben did text her. Just as he said he would. The bakery had gotten swamped around ten, as it usually did, but Rey managed to check her phone for a few seconds between customers.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ Maybe this isn’t right, but I don’t give a fuck. _

Rey’s heart leapt through her chest at his words. It almost sounded romantic when she thought of him saying it to her face. Maybe they were both shirtless and panting in her imagination, but still.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ so we’re still friends? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Still friends. _

Rey sent him a smiley face.

It wasn’t a long conversation, but it was enough to get her through the rest of her shift. By the time she got off at noon (Poe had come to relieve her), she was exhausted. She wanted nothing more than to sleep for ten hours straight, even if it would fuck with her sleep schedule.

As she donned her coat, her phone buzzed, signally a new text message.

Reading it, she smiled widely.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ There’s a very strong chance my mother has insisted I come to dinner at her house tonight. _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ oh you poor baby _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ It will be painful. _

Rey rolled her eyes, waving goodbye to Poe. She texted Ben as she walked home.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ because your mother loves you? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Because she’ll ask questions about my life and then I’ll have to answer them _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ yes, that would be because she loves you _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Come with me _

Rey read the message and dropped her keys as she was trying to insert them into the lock. She picked them up, quickly responded to him. Her hands continued to shake, and her heart was in her throat.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ i’m not going to do that _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Do it or I’ll fail you _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ you wouldn’t _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Wouldn’t I? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ you would FAIL your favourite student? _

Fuck, was she flirting with him? She was. She had to stop. What part of boundaries did Rey not understand?

> **_Ben:_ ** _ Please come with me, she’ll be much easier to manage if you’re there. _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ what will your mother say when you show up on her doorstep with me? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ So you’ll go? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ not what i said _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ She’ll be delighted. You loves you. Almost more than me _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Are you coming or not, Rey? _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Friends go with friends to said friend’s mother’s dinner so that said friend will not suffer _

Rey laughed out loud. She crawled into bed, barely pausing to strip off her coat and jeans.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ i’m really busy today, i have to take a nap until the world ends in a fiery apocalypse  _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ Can you not wake up for a few hours to come entertain my mother? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ the buses don’t go to leia’s neighborhood _
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ I have a car. _

Rey sighed. There was no arguing with him. Rey finally relented. Ben told her what time he’d pick her up, and she texted him her address.

Rey finally, finally got to sleep.

~*~~*~~*~

Ben’s car was ridiculously fancy and as Rey slid into the front seat, she felt that her mere presence was devaluing it.

“Are you rich?” Rey said without preamble, “I mean you have nice clothes and stuff, but this car is a whole other thing.”

Ben looked at her, “I’m doing fine, Rey, how are you?”

“I’m living under the poverty line,” Rey said, “are you a millionaire or something?” Rey buckled herself in. Running her hands along the leather seats of his car.

Ben rolled his eyes, “No, I’m not a millionaire.”

“Might as well be.” Rey muttered.

“This car was a gift. I didn’t pay a dime for it.”

“Oh,” Rey said. What kind of person gave Mercedes-Benz as a gift? She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

Rey shifted in her seat. She was suddenly hyper aware of their proximity. They’d been alone more times than she could count, but in his car, alone. It was great, it was scary, and it was like Ben didn’t even notice her inner turmoil. 

She understood why he smelled slightly like leather now. It was this car. Rey’s hands traced the seam of the leather seat. This whole car smelled like him. Which made sense, but went straight to Rey’s head. It was like bathing in his scent, being there in the car with him.

Ben was pretty when he was driving. She watched him. He had one hand on the wheel and the other was resting lightly on the gearshift.

He pulled on to the highway and glanced over at her, “You know, pictures last longer.”

“I’ve never seen you wearing regular people clothes.” Rey tried to cover for why she was staring at her professor. 

It was true. She had never seen him in such casual clothes. He was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt covered with a black hoodie. Somehow, it was one of the sexiest things she’d ever seen. Not to mention the fact that the sleeves to his hoodie were pushed up, and she could see the thick, corded muscles of his forearm. Her mouth went dry.

He hummed, “Well, despite the rumors, I am, in fact, a regular person.”

“So you say.” Rey turned her head to look out the car window.

The ride was longer than she remembered, but she wished it was even longer. Even in the silence, she felt at ease. Something about Ben was comforting.

“So, what exactly is Leia going to ask you that you want to avoid so badly?”

“She’s not going to be asking, because you will be there. Thank you for this, by the way.”

Rey nodded, “It’s fine. I have nothing else to do.”

“Glad to know I’m such a high priority for you.”

Rey laughed, “Always, professor.”

Ben shifted, his other hand coming up to steer the wheel.

“Seriously, though, what’s so bad that you have to drag along some annoying kid to your mom’s house?” Rey asked, turning to look at him.

“It’s not important.” He deflected, his eyes scanning the road. He was suddenly a lot more focused on driving than he had been a few seconds ago.

“Is she asking you for grandchildren?” Rey joked.

Ben didn’t answer.

“Oh, shit, really?” Rey said, laughing, “Aw, that’s rough, buddy. Are you even, like, dating anyone?”

Rey cringed. She really hoped she didn’t sound as interested in his answer as she was.

Ben glanced at her, his face unreadable, “No.”

Rey nodded, “Cool.” She cringed as she said it, knowing it was perhaps the worst thing to say.

Ben laughed, and Rey blushed.

“What?”

Ben’s laughter died down a little, but he was still smiling widely. “Your response to that is ‘cool’?”

“Well, what do you say to something like that?”

“Not ‘cool’.”

“Well, sorry didn’t seem like the appropriate response!” Rey said, throwing her hands in the air.

“Definitely not. And it’s not babies Leia is asking for, exactly. It is the, uh, the girlfriend thing.”

“You know,” Rey said, “a better way to get her off your back about that is to actually get a girlfriend.”

Not that Rey wanted him to get a girlfriend. It just seemed like the thing she was supposed to say.

Ben laughed, but it wasn’t the same amused laughter from before, it was sharp and sent a wave of sadness through Rey, “Yeah, that’s going to happen.”

“You never know. Maybe moody English professor is someone’s exact type.”  _ Someone like me,  _ Rey didn’t say.

Ben huffed and that was the end of that conversation.

He pulled into Leia’s long driveway, winding his way through the many trees. Rey loved coming to Leia’s. There was so much green there. Rey would never get tired of looking at all the beautiful greenery.

He parked the car, and remained still.

“Ben.”

He looked at her.

“It’s gonna be fine.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I know. Let’s do this.”

Rey unbuckled and got out of the car, watching Ben unfold his long legs out of the car. He had to be the tallest man she’d ever known.

Ben didn’t even knock on the door when he entered, but, Rey remembered, he probably didn’t need to. This was his home, after all.

“Mom!”

Rey smiled. It was the first time she’d ever heard him call her that. It didn’t surprise her, Leia could bring grown men to their knees, and make even her hard ass son call her mom.

Before Leia could arrive, a large mass of brown fur came barreling at Ben, nearly knocking him over when it leaped onto him, licking his face wildly.

Ben laughed, wrapping an arm around the dog, “Alright, Chewie. Good to see you, too, buddy.”

Leia popped around the corner, surprise flickering across her face upon seeing Rey.

“You brought me a present!” Leia said, coming over to hug Rey. “What are you doing bumming it with this guy?”

“He promised me an A if I came.” Rey shrugged, smirking at the woman.

Leia patted Rey’s cheek, “You don’t need bribery, sweetie, you’ll get an A, easy.”

“Clearly you’ve never been in your son’s class.”

Leia laughed and turned to her son, who was untangling himself from the family dog, “Good to see you.”

He bent down to hug her and kiss her on the cheek, “Hi, mom.”

Leia smiled and ushered the two of them in. “I wasn’t expecting the both of you, so I’ll set another plate real fast. You two make yourselves comfortable.”

Rey offered to help, but Leia would have none of it. 

Ben turned to Rey when Leia left, “It’s going well so far.”

“We’ve been here for less than five minutes, so yeah, I’d hope so.” Rey poked his shoulder, “You have to loosen up, this is your mother.”

“Exactly.” Ben leaned on the counter, folding his arms over his broad chest, “There is only one person in the world who genuinely frightens me, and it’s her.”

“She’s harmless.”

He looked down at her. Rey hated when he did that. It made her feel so small. Like he could pick her up and toss her over his shoulder. Which, now that she considered it, he probably could. And she probably wanted him to.

Leia came back into the kitchen, “Okay, we’re all set! Who’s hungry?”

Rey looked away from Ben. “I am.”

Leia nodded, her eyes twinkling. Rey could only hope that one day she would be as beautiful as Leia was.

Ben followed behind Rey, grumbling about something Rey couldn’t hear.

They sat down and Rey couldn’t help the butterflies that flooded her stomach as Ben sat next to her. It wasn’t that weird, because Leia had set their plates next to each other.

But the way Ben’s knee bumped into hers was weird. Or maybe it was just weird for Rey.

Leia poured wine for the three of them and Rey tried to subtly shake her head at Leia. The last thing Rey needed was to drink in front of Ben.

“Mom, I’m driving, I can’t drink.” Ben said, trying to stop her.

“You’re not staying the night?” Leia said, her hands stilling as she was pouring Ben’s wine.

“Rey’s here.”

Leia shrugged, “She can stay, too. There are plenty of beds.”

Rey shook her head, “Oh, no, Leia, I can’t-”

“Shut up, Rey.” Leia poured Ben’s wine and handed it to him, “Everyone is staying and drinking because it’s family dinner and it’s my house.”

Rey picked up her glass, “And she has spoken,” Rey said, sipping her wine.

Ben’s knee bumped against hers, and she nearly choked. He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, “God forbid we disobey the queen.”

Rey smiled a little, shaking her head, “Play nice.”

Ben shook his head, picking up his own glass.

Leia sat back down, serving herself some meatloaf, “Everybody play nice and eat this goddamn food before it gets cold.”

They all began to serve themselves food and Rey couldn’t help but smile. It all felt so... domestic. She wondered if this was how all families were, bitchy and moody but with an overwhelming love that held them together.

Leia waited all of five minutes before launching into the interrogation of her son.

“So, Ben,” at this he groaned, “tell me about your classes.”

“The students are insufferable as always.” Ben muttered, moving green beans around his plate with a fork.

Rey piped up, “I’ve made it my personal mission to make his life a living hell, and I think it’s going pretty well so far.”

Leia laughed and Ben rolled his eyes, “You’re the least of my worries.”

Leia nodded, “Hux being troublesome?”

Rey’s stomach dropped. Hux. She’d almost forgotten about her encounter with the man earlier that day.

Ben shrugged, “He’s never going to be easy.”

_ I don’t know, he was pretty easy for me _ , Rey thought and immediately blushed. She looked down at her plate, suddenly very interested in the peaks of her mashed potatoes.

Leia and Ben continued chatting about how Ben’s students were and what plans he had for the classes. Rey only paid half attention, noting some of his plans for her class, but mostly just enjoying the sounds of mother and son talking. And Ben’s voice. Always Ben’s low, rumbling voice.

Occasionally, Ben’s knee would bump into hers and sometimes, if Rey was lucky, it would linger there. Every touch felt like a searing heat. She knew that his legs were just too fucking long to properly sit under a table, but she couldn’t help but feel this private connection between them was special. She wondered what it would feel like to have his big hands resting on her leg. Her heart fluttered at the mere thought.

“Rey,” Leia called, pulling the girl’s attention. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m good. Fine. Not much to tell since I last saw you.”

“Ben told me you were seeing someone.”

Rey’s eyes widened, and she looked at Ben, who looked anywhere but at her. She wasn’t certain, but maybe he looked a little embarrassed. 

“I am not. It was one bad semi-date and that’s it.”

Leia scrutinized her for a minute, “But why  _ Hux _ ?”

Rey turned to Ben, “Are you just telling your mother everything about me or what?”

Ben shifted, “It just came up.”

“Oh, yeah, because things like who I may or may not be dating just come up in normal conversations with your mom. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.”

Ben held up a hand, gesturing to his mother, “It was all her.”

Rey took a deep breath, turning back to Leia, “It was a mistake, I didn’t know anything about him, really.”

Ben picked up his glass of wine and starting drink, probably to avoid Rey’s ire.

“But you did see him, yes? Before you had sex with him you saw his face? And you still decided to let him in your bed?” Leia asked.

Ben choked on his wine.

“ _ Leia! _ ” Rey hissed, “That’s not- I-”

Ben was coughing and pounding on his chest, trying to clear his airways.

Leia smiled, “I mean, he’s not the handsomest, dear. You could so do much better, you know.”

Rey’s face was probably hot enough to fry on egg on and red enough to make her a rival for Rudolph’s nose. “I don’t- he’s not even- can we talk about  _ literally _ anything else?”

Ben finally seemed able to breath.

Leia nodded, turning to assault her son now, “Ben, did you ever ask out that girl whose number I gave you? The one from that conference I went to?”

Ben’s face went red and Rey couldn’t help but feel a little vindicated now that the heat was on him.

“No, mom, I didn’t.” He said, his voice laced with ice. Rey knew that tone, and she never liked being on the end of it, but Leia was fearless.

“And why not?”

“Because I’m not interested.”

Rey started eating and drinking again now that Leia’s attention was on her son instead of her.

“I don’t see why not, she’s a lovely girl.” Leia continued, humor dancing in her eyes. She knew she was causing everyone physical pain, and she was enjoying it.

“I’m sure she is.” He said, trying to focus on buttering a new roll.

“I just don’t understand why you won’t ask out any of the girls I suggest, they’re all-”

“I just don’t need your suggestions, okay, mom? I already... I can find someone on my own, if I need.”

Leia’s smile was like a beacon in the night, “Okay, Ben.”

Rey was reading too much into his words, she knew that. But it kind of sounded like he  _ was _ dating someone, or at the very least interested in someone. Rey tried to hold in her sigh as she slumped a little in her seat.

There was no reason for her to feel such disappointment. It wasn’t like she had a shot anyway. Or that, should they live in some wild fantasy world where he returned her feelings, they could ever be together. He was her professor. It was impossible.

“One of you needs to get a move on, though, I miss having babies around.”

This time, both Ben and Rey’s faces were bright red.

Nobody said anything for a long time after that, everyone content to stew in their own thoughts. Ben’s knee remained on his side of the table, and Rey hated the cold feeling it had left when he moved it away.

When dinner was done, Rey jumped up to help Leia with the dishes, needing to escape Ben’s presence.

“I can wash these up, Leia.” Rey said, setting plates on the counter, “You already cooked, just go relax for a bit.”

Leia nodded, “I’ll send Ben in to help.”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to-” it was too late, not that Leia would listen to her anyway.

Ben came through the kitchen door a minute later, hovering near the sink.

“You don’t have to help. I can manage.” Rey said, not looking at him as she waited for the tap water to run hot.

“I know you can,” Ben stepped closer, pulling a towel from under the sink, “But if I don’t help, my mother will actually murder me.”

Rey gave a small laugh, “She did a pretty good job of that already, I think. I just about died in there.”

“So now you see why I needed back-up.”

“Not that it helped.”

Ben shook his head, watching her hands clean the plates, “Oh, trust me, that was the tame version. Had you not been here it would have been much worse. I just didn’t expect her to bring you into it. I’m sorry.”

Rey sighed, handing him the first clean dish for him to dry. “It’s fine, I just don’t know why you told her in the first place.”

Ben didn’t answer.

Rey hadn’t really expected an answer. Deep down, she kind of knew. Anything Leia wanted to know, she found out. She suspected that she’d pestered Ben until he finally told her what he knew.

Rey was never good at knowing when to shut up. “So there’s a girl.”

Ben sighed.

“I mean, you don’t have to tell me anything. It’s not like it’s my business. But, you do know about Hux, so I feel like it’s only fair, but whatever, you know. It’s your life.”

Ben was silent for a minute, and the only sounds in the kitchen were the rushing of water and the slight clatter of dishes as Ben stacked them after they were dry.

“It doesn’t really matter because it’s not going to happen.” He eventually said, his voice dejected.

Rey didn’t need to look at him to know that he was frowning. She could hear the pain in his voice, and the resolve.

No matter how much she envied this other girl, she couldn’t deny that she did want Ben to be happy. This girl would make him happy, she hoped. So it was the least she could do to offer him her comfort.

“You don’t know that, Ben,” she whispered.

“But I do.”

“You don-”

“Drop it, Rey.” He said. His voice left no room for argument.

It was tense as they finished the dishes. When Rey had done her part, she turned off the tap and looked up at him.

“Listen, I don’t know who this girl is or why you think it’s not going to happen, but I do know that if she can’t see how fucking amazing you are, she’s stupid. And you’re way too smart to be with someone who’s stupid.”

With that, Rey left Ben alone in the kitchen.

~*~~*~~*~

The rest of the night went pretty smoothly. Rey got more than a little tipsy off of wine and giggled with Leia on the couch. 

“I swear, I only had sex with Hux because I was lonely.”

Leia shook her head, cradling her wine glass in her hands, “Never a good reason.”

“I know, but I thought if I just got laid, things would be easier.”

“What things?”

Rey shifted, “Just things. You know, school, life.”

Leia nodded, sipping her wine.

Rey sighed, laying her head on the back of the couch. “I’ve got it bad, Leia. I don’t know what to do.”

“For Hux?”

“No!” Rey laughed, “No, someone else. I thought Hux would distract me, but...”

“Are you in love?”

Rey hesitated. Her immediate answer was no, but she’d never even thought about it. She knew she desperately wanted to kiss him and hold him and talk to him a lot and be with him all the time. But that’s what having a crush was, right?

Before she could answer, Ben came in for a few minutes to say that he’d be staying in his old room and that he had some work to do.

Rey had rolled her eyes at him as he left. “What’s up his ass?”

Leia eventually cut Rey off, and the small, logical part of Rey knew it was a good idea. The intoxicated part, however, was less than happy.

Leia told Rey where she could crash and Rey pouted her way up the stairs and down the hall. She’d lost count of the doors, but she was pretty sure she had made her way to the third on the left, where she was staying.

She opened the door and froze. There, in the middle of taking off his shirt, was her extremely hot, extremely ripped professor. He froze, too, his arms in the middle of taking his shirt off. Rey couldn’t see his face, but she really, really could see his abs and chest and wow. She had known he would be muscular, but she had no idea he would look anything like that. She wanted to run her hands up and down his body and maybe her tongue could join the party.

“Oh.” Rey said.

Ben yanked his shirt back down. “What the hell?”

Jesus. He stood in front of her, white t-shirt and boxer shorts. God, his thighs. Rey wanted to die between them.

It took all of Rey’s effort to form the words, “I thought this was my room.”

“Well, it’s not.”

Rey nodded slowly, still staring at him. No, not him- his thighs. Rey moved her eyes to his face slowly.

She couldn’t tell what he was thinking, because he had mastered keeping his face blank. It irritated her that she couldn’t read him unless he let her.

“Are you drunk?” He asked her.

She shook her head, “No, just... yeah, I am. A little.”

He rolled his eyes, “I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

Rey nodded, forgetting to move out of the doorway, so he could show her. He gently pushed her out of the way and for a split-second Rey thought about him pushing her against the wall. Oh, how she would enjoy that. Maybe he would put a thigh between hers, and she could-

“Are you okay?” Ben said, looking down at her.

She tried to meet his eyes but for some reason she kept letting her gaze fall to his lips. “Mm, yeah ‘m fine.”

He nodded, leading her to the spare bedroom.

He opened the door and switched on the lights, “Here you go, princess, your very own castle.”

Rey giggled.

He smiled at her. “There’s some spare pajamas in the drawers. They’ll probably be a little big for you. I think Leia keeps extra toothbrushes in the bathroom, you’ll have to look around for them.”

Rey nodded, watching him point these things out to her. “You’re pretty.”

His eyes snapped to hers. “You’re drunk.”

Rey looked away from him, “I’m tired.”

Ben cleared his throat, “You should get some sleep, Rey.”

Rey nodded.

Ben made to leave, “Goodnight.”

Rey watched him shut the door softly and sighed. Why couldn’t she just have him for one day? That’s all she would need. Just one day to get him out of her system.

It turned out that the spare pajamas were old t-shirts. Rey put one on and was delighted to find that it smelled faintly of Ben.

Laying in bed, she held the fabric up to her nose, thinking of what it might be like to be held by his big arms as she slept. Probably really safe, she decided, and warm.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have two things to say 1) my arm hurts (i'm going to pretend you asked me why) my arm hurts because i just got a new tattoo and it's kylo's light saber because what else would it be? and 2) i LOVE you guys
> 
> very very unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> cool tumblrs to follow that definitely aren't me: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur

_ The smell of him was overwhelming. It was driving her crazy, and she needed to touch him. Rey moved around the desk to his chair. Ben looked up at her through his lashes. God, he was beautiful. Rey wanted to see what this perfect beauty looked like in the height of ecstasy.  _

_ “Professor,” she whispered. _

_ He smiled at her, low and slow, “Come here, Rey.” He put a hand on her hip and dragged her towards him. She lost balance and had to reach out and catch herself on his shoulders. _

_ “I think about you all the time,” he told her, his thumb rubbing circles on her hip bone. She didn’t know when she had taken her clothes off, but she was only in panties and, Rey looked down, one of his shirts. The words were too blurry for her to read, but she think it might have been a shirt from when he was in high school. _

_ Rey looked back at him, “What do you think about?” _

_ His hand moved from her hip to cup around her backside, pulling her even closer. It was impossible for her to continue standing anymore. She lifted her legs and moved to straddle him, her knees somehow fitting perfectly between him and the arms of his chair. _

_ “Everything, Rey.” His lips ghosted across her neck as she shivered. “I think about everything with you.” _

_ Rey could feel warmth building in her core, “Ben, I need you.” _

_ “All you have to do is ask.” _

_ His hands came around to scoot her closer to him, until the were chest to chest. She could feel his own arousal against her. _

_ “Kiss me,” Rey grabbed his face and forced him to look at her.  _

_ His eyes darkened as they fell to her lips. He licked his own, as if he could already taste her. He leaned in so slowly that she could have died. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling their bodies closer, needing to feel all of him, to be consumed by him. _

Just as their lips touched for the first time, she woke up with a start.

Fuck. Rey punched her pillow, both trying to get it into a more comfortable shape and trying to get out her anger at having been ripped from Ben’s arms, however imaginary they were.

Rey rolled over, the smell of him moving with her. This shirt was dangerous. Being able to smell him in her dreams led to all kinds of bad places. She closed her eyes, remembering the way he’d touched her to gently, almost reverently.

_ Everything. I think about everything with you. _

~*~~*~~*~

Rey had never been prone to hangovers, and she hadn’t had that much to drink last night, but she woke up with a headache nevertheless. The early morning light streaming in through the windows were blinding and Rey had to cover her eyes with her hand as she sat up. She slowly let her eyes adjust to the light, taking in the beautiful room she had slept in.

The windows were tall and had light breezy material covering them. The bed she slept in was a king with a plush gray comforter and the softest pillows Rey had ever laid her head upon. There was a dresser with a drawer half-open. Rey remembered that she’d been too tired to shut the drawer. She smiled as she looked down at the shirt she wore. On the front it read “First Order High School Track”. Ben was on the track team in high school. The thought made her laugh. He would be. 

Rereading the words, Rey remembered her dream. She blushed. She’d been wearing this in her dream. They were in his office, and she was wearing this, and they were-

She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, finding the en suite bathroom possessed everything she needed to become human. She quickly brushed her teeth and used the bathroom. Not bothering to change from her pajamas, she padded her way down to the kitchen, hoping for some coffee. It was still early in the morning, Rey knew. There was a slim chance anyone would even be up.

She needed coffee, and she needed to stop thinking about the way Ben’s hands had felt on her ass.

As she rifled around Leia’s kitchen looking for sugar, she heard the backdoor open and the sound of nails on the hardwood floor greeted her.

She turned around, calling Chewie over to her without realizing that Ben was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, his jaw slack.

Rey bent over to pet the dog, ruffling his fur, “Yes, I love you, too, Chewie, you’re such a handsome boy.”

Chewie licked her hand, and she laughed, “Gross, dog, now I have to wash my hands.”

Turning around she saw Ben, “Oh, good morning.” 

He blinked at her, seeming to clear his thoughts, “Good morning.”

Rey was suddenly aware that she was in nothing but his old t-shirt and a pair of panties. Exactly what she’d been wearing when she straddled him and begged him to kiss her in her dreams. Her face heated. 

Ben, on the other hand, was wearing a slightly damp t-shirt and gray sweatpants slung low on his hips. Did he even know what he was doing to her? Rey wondered. This was no fair, especially not after her almost-wet-dream.

Rey finished making her coffee, “Do you want some?”

Ben slid unto a stool at the kitchen island, “Uh, sure.”

Rey poured him a cup and slid it to him over the counter, letting the island hide her bare legs from sight. She took a sip of her coffee, “Were you out running? It’s freezing out there.”

“I had a hoodie.” He said, nodding to the hook on the wall by the back door that did, indeed, have his hoodie hanging from it.

Rey harrumphed, “Still too cold.”

“Thank you for your concern, Rey, but I think I can handle myself.” Ben said, smiling at her over his coffee mug. “I  _ am  _ an adult, you know.”

“All I’m saying is when you get frostbite, I don’t want to hear any complaints.” Rey shrugged.

Ben laughed, “Noted.”

They enjoyed their coffee in silence for a while, Chewie walking around the island to alternate between laying at Ben’s feet and Rey’s.

Ben looked down at the dog, “Where does Finn think you are?”

Oh, shit. Finn. She’d completely forgotten to text him that she wasn’t coming home.

Rey tried not to let the panic show on her face, “Oh, um, you know. Where ever.”

“You didn’t text him, did you?” There was a note of amusement in his voice.

“He’s not my keeper.”

“No, but he’s your roommate and best friend, and he’s bound to be worried about you.”

“Well, he probably hasn’t called the cops yet.”

Ben raised an eyebrow at her, and she set her coffee mug down.

“On an unrelated note, I’ll be right back.”

Rey raced out of the kitchen and up the stairs, finding her phone on the dresser of the room she’d stayed in. She scrolled through her notifications, Finn had only texted her five times. She didn’t think panic mood had set in yet, but it probably would if he woke up to no texts from her.

Rey sent him a message, saying she had stayed over at Leia’s and she was fine. She also apologized for making him worry.

It was early in the morning, and she knew he wouldn’t be awake yet, so she didn’t expect a response. Rey slipped on a pair of jeans before going back downstairs, not wanting to deal with the mortifying situation of Ben seeing her half-naked.

As Rey neared the kitchen, she heard the unmistakable sound of Leia’s voice drifting through the house. She was whispering to Ben about something and Rey could just make out the words the closer she got to the kitchen.

“-tired of seeing you reject happiness because you think you don’t deserve it.” Leia was saying.

Ben snorted, “That’s not what’s happening.”

Rey stopped short and hovered outside the kitchen. This was not a conversation to walk in on.

“Ben,” Leia sighed.

“Don’t call me that.” His words made Rey’s blood run cold. Or maybe it was the tone in his voice.

Leia was quiet, “Whatever the hell name you want to go by, I know what you’re doing and it’s not fooling anyone,  _ Kylo _ .” She spat the name at him. “If you don’t do something, you’re going to break the hearts of two people I love and I will not stand by and watch it.”

They were talking about the girl. The one Ben loved but didn’t think anything would happen with. Rey shouldn’t be listening to this, but morbid curiosity kept her rooted to the spot. She had to know more. It would kill her inside, but Rey needed to know more about her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His voice was dark, and Rey could practically see the scowl that she knew was adorning his face.

“That girl is fragile and if you fuck up, you’re going to-”

“That  _ girl  _ is none of your concern, mother. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?”

Ben’s voice sounded muffled and Rey wondered if he was running a hand down his face like she’d seen him do when he really couldn’t take any more of a conversation, “Yes, nothing. It’s exactly what should be done.”

Leia tsked at her son, “You’re dumber than I raised you to be.”

“I can’t do anything. If I do...” Ben trailed off and Rey thought this would be a good time to enter the kitchen casually.

She slid around the corner, smiling at Leia, “Good morning!”

Leia’s face gave away nothing of the conversation that had just been held. “Good morning, dear, do you want some coffee?”

“No, I already had some, thanks.” Rey sat by Ben at the counter. He glanced at her but returned to his mug. This must be his second cup by now.

“Does anyone want some breakfast?” Leia asked, already taking out eggs and bacon.

Ben downed the rest of his coffee, “We can’t stay, mom, I have to drop Rey off at her place and then I have some work to do.”

Leia nodded, a small flash of hurt crossing her delicate features. “Okay, well, it was nice to have you two.”

Rey nodded, going around the counter to hug the woman, “Thank you, Leia.”

She nodded and pat the girl on the back.

Rey turned to Ben, “Let me just grab my stuff, I guess.”

Ben nodded, standing to say goodbye to his mother.

~*~~*~~*~

“Where are you going?” Rey asked, noticing Ben had taken the wrong exit to get to her apartment.

“We’re getting breakfast.” 

Rey turned to him, her nose scrunched in confusion, “I thought you said you had things to do.”

“No, I just couldn’t stand my mother’s questions anymore.” He growled.

Rey didn’t know if he was in a bad mood or if all of his anger was directly solely at his mother. Regardless, she nodded and let him drive her to a small breakfast restaurant off the beaten path.

“I used to come here with my grandfather,” Ben said as he locked the car and led Rey inside, “They still remember me, I think.”

They did. As they entered the Empire Café, a chorus of “Ben!”s rang out. He waved at the cook and the two waitresses, who despite their young age, seemed to know him. They sat at a table near the back.

Rey desperately wanted to ask him why he’d told his mother not to call him Ben, but that meant revealing that she’d been eavesdropping on them. Instead, she scanned the menu.

When she’d decided on the French toast, she looked up to see Ben staring at her.

“What?” She laughed, self-conscious.

“Nothing, just...” Ben looked at her, “You’re still wearing my shirt.”

Rey looked down, blushing when she noticed that she was still wearing his old shirt. “I forgot to change, sorry. I can give it back when I get home.”

Ben shook his head, “It’s fine. It doesn’t fit anymore.”

Rey just about had a heart attack. The shirt that wouldn’t fit him anymore was enormous on her. She wondered how big his current clothes would be and suddenly wanted to crawl into his soft sweaters.

“Okay.” Rey whispered, ducking her head. She didn’t know if he was telling her to keep it, but the thought of having one of Ben’s shirts in her possession... It sent her spiraling into all kinds of dangerous fantasies. Fantasies that mirrored her dream last night. Which she couldn’t seem to keep locked up.

Ben’s chin was resting on his fist, and he gazed at her curiously. “Do you remember last night?”

Rey snorted, “I wasn’t _ that  _ drunk.”

Ben smiled, “Okay, I was just asking.”

“I do remember last night, yes.” Rey said, folding her arms across her chest.

Ben’s smile turned dangerous, “All of it?”

Rey blushed, remembering bits and pieces. Before she could answer him, a waitress came over to take their order.

Ben quickly rattled off what he wanted and looked to Rey. “She’ll have the French toast and hot chocolate.”

The waitress nodded, scrawling all this down and walking away.

Rey looked at him, “You don’t know that’s what I wanted.”

“Yes it is, you write about French toast a lot, almost too much. It’s your favorite.”

Rey glared at him, “Well, I didn’t want hot chocolate.”

“Hot chocolate goes great with French toast.” Ben told her.

She knew he was right, but she could still be mad about it.

Ben laughed, “Don’t pout, your face will get stuck like that.”

“I’m not pouting.” She was.

Ben smiled.

Rey looked out of the window, seeing the small parking lot of the café and the line of trees where the forest began. She couldn’t imagine a tiny Ben coming here with his grandfather. Then again, she couldn’t imagine a tiny Ben at all. She knew what he  _ should _ look like, but the images weren’t connecting in her mind. Ben was too big in her mind to have ever been so small.

“What are you thinking about, Rey?” Ben asked, his voice low as if to not disturb her out of her thoughts.

“I’m trying to picture what you would have looked liked as a child.” She said, turning back to him, “I’m starting to think you just popped into existence as a fully grown man.”

Ben laughed, “No, and I think my mother would be offended to hear you say that.”

“There aren’t any photos in your house,” Rey realized.

Ben shook his head, “No, not on the walls, at least. There used to be, but... after Han passed it was too hard for Leia to see the pictures. He was the love of her life.”

Rey felt pain in her chest for Leia, as if a hole had ripped through the universe in Han’s absence. “That’s so sad. I can’t imagine losing someone so important to you.”

“Can’t you?” Ben asked, his head cocking to the side.

Rey blinked before understanding his meaning. “I don’t remember my parents very much. I think I kind of blocked it all out. I don’t remember much before the orphanage, actually. There're bits and pieces but nothing really concrete. The first solid memory I have... is being dropped off. I can see their car leaving, and I was crying. That’s it.”

Ben’s face was soft. She had told very few people that memory, and when she had they’d always regarded her with pity. Ben’s face didn’t hold an ounce of pity. It was just understanding and pain for her, for the girl she used to be.

Ben looked away from her for a moment, “I’ve never lost anyone so important to me. There was Anakin, but I never grieved him. Han hurt a little more, but... I’ve never felt the kind of pain over losing someone as Leia has.”

He seemed to be saying something altogether different, but Rey couldn’t understand for the life of her. Still, she found herself saying, “You know, just because you’ve never lost someone you love doesn’t mean you’ve never loved.”

Ben looked at her. She looked at Ben. It was scary and all-consuming.

Rey felt her heart clench at her sudden realization. She didn’t have a crush on him. She was in love with Ben Solo.

Rey opened her mouth to say something when he said, “I don’t know if love really exists, Rey.”

Just like that, her world crumbled. Her heart felt like it was imploding, and she was sure he could see the devastation on her face. But she knew he couldn’t. She hadn’t moved a muscle. He would never know the carnage he had created.

“It does.” Rey managed to say. “It does and Han and Leia are proof. Finn and Poe are proof. I know that it does exist.”

Ben sighed tragically, and if the conversation between them weren’t so heavy, Rey would have laughed, “Maybe for them, yes. But not for me.”

Rey shook her head, unable to form any more words.

“Everything I love, I destroy, Rey and I can’t- I can’t let anyone be subject to that.”

Rey’s throat was tight, and she was scared that she would start crying. She didn’t know why this felt like he was leaving, “That’s not a good reason to not let yourself love.”

Ben looked at her earnestly, despair in his eyes, “If I were to taint such beauty, it would be the most selfish thing I’d ever done.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rey whispered. What beauty was he tainting? Was it the girl? Was it his mother? She had no idea what he was trying to say to her, but she felt it rip her heart into pieces.

Ben sighed, “I know you don’t, Rey. I’m sorry, I just... a lot is going on in my head right now.”

“Why can’t you just talk to me? Tell me what’s going on?” Rey insisted.

He shook his head, “You really don’t want to know.”

“Um, I sure fucking do. This- something is causing you so much pain, Ben. I can see it and I just-” Rey ran her hands through her hair, her fingers snagging on her unbrushed tangles, “It’s driving me mad that I can’t fix it, or help you or anything.”

“Rey,” Ben reached a hand across the table, but stopped just short of touching her, “It’s not your job to fix things for me.”

Rey grabbed his hand, throwing caution to the wind. She saw his eyes float down to the intertwined fingers, “I know it’s not my job, but friends are supposed to help each other.”

He squeezed her fingers lightly with his own before pulling away, “You can’t help me with this one, Rey.”

~*~~*~~*~

There was something about the shirt that prompted dirty dreams from the dark corners of Rey’s mind. Or maybe it was just the fact that she was madly in love with Ben. Whatever it was, Rey dreamt of him again that night. 

_ This time they were both naked, wrapped up in the sheets of someone’s bed. He was lapping at her core with her legs thrown over his shoulders. She clutched on to his hair tightly, begging him for more. _

_ “Ben, please.” _

_ “Rey,” he whispered against her skin, “you have to get out of my head.” _

_ “Never,” she whispered, digging her heels into his back, “I never want to leave you.” _

_ He pumped two fingers into her heat, “I can’t take this,” he said, his mouth lifting off of her. _

_ She looked down at him. His lips were glistening with her juices and his hair was wild, she smiled at him, “You’re so pretty.” _

_ “Stop saying that,” he groaned, actual pain in his voice.  _

_ He curled his fingers and Rey threw her head back again, moaning his name, “More, Ben, please.” _

_ “You can take it all, Rey,” he said, adding another finger as she moaned. _

_ “You won’t let me have it,” she whimpered _

_ He moved up to look into her eyes, his fingers still coaxing her to the edge, “You already do, my love.” _

_ Rey shook her head, “I didn’t know.” _

_ Ben’s head buried in the crook of her neck, “You can’t know.” _

_ Rey didn’t know what they were saying anymore. All she could feel was his lips on her sweet spot and his fingers pumping into her. When his thumb came up to rub at her clit she cried out. _

_ “Ben, please.” _

_ “What, Rey? Say it.” _

_ “I want you.” She confessed, “All of you, forever.” _

_ He kissed her lightly on the lips, and she could taste herself. “All you had to do was ask.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two more things to say: 1) sorry for being a tease in this chapter and 2) i have chapters written up to like 15/16 (plus i wrote one that goes near the end) and guys it's a lot like strap yourselves in boys, it's gonna be a bumpy ride !!!!!!!!!!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my arm HURTS. i'm having trouble writing chap 17 :(
> 
> unedited and unbeta'd (and i hear you say to me: "but... if you have chapters written in advance, couldn't you go back and edit your previous chapters for mistakes?!?!" yes. yes i could.)
> 
> whatever you do, don't follow me on tumblr: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur

Tuesday hit her like a brick wall. The whole day felt like she was a beat off from the rest of the world. When Rey had woken up she could feel the shift in the air like a storm was brewing. She was wearing Ben’s shirt again, as she had been every night since the dinner. It had been over a week of Ben’s unexplained moodiness. Every time they talked, he seemed distant. It was slowly killing Rey.

Rose was a beacon of light in Rey’s darkness, though. She had noted Ben’s weirdness around Rey and told her that maybe he was just upset about something else. Rey didn’t know how to tell her everything that had transpired, and she wasn’t sure if she should. The closer she got to Ben, the more illicit their relationship felt. Nothing was happening that she couldn’t tell Rose, but it somehow felt dangerous to. What’s more, she wanted to keep it between Ben and her. It was like a secret that the two of them had.

Rey sat in her seat in lecture, watching Ben’s big hands fly through the air. She stopped being embarrassed about her dreams about him or the thoughts of his hands touching her so intimately. Sometimes the dreams were dirty, but sometimes they were simple and sweet.

A few nights ago she had dreamt that she was in his bed, in his arms. They were doing nothing but enjoying each other. He told her about how he was scared of her, of how strongly he felt for her. She told him the same.

_ “It’s too fast, but I know that this is real, Ben.” _

_ His fingers traced patterns on her arms as he peered at her. “I’ve never loved anyone before you.” _

_ She blinked at him, “How is that possible?” _

_ “I don’t know. I just know that you make love possible. It scares me.” _

_ She smirked, “So now I’m the scary one?” _

_ He smiled at her, “I think we can scare each other.” _

Rey blinked back to the present when Ben’s eyes met hers. He stumbled over his words a bit.

He cleared his throat, “Um, sorry, as I was saying, it’s not essential to build the world in the first few chapters. It’s better to have your world naturally come about. You only need basic information to fill the reader in. After that...”

Rey tuned out. She was tired of these lectures. It was awful to sit here, listening to him prattle on about fantasy writing and character growth and whatnot. She didn’t want to hear him talk about anything she needed to know, she wanted to hear about how his weekend was. Rey wanted to know if he’d enjoyed that book he’d told her he was going to try and finish. Rey didn’t care enough about what he was teaching. It was a scary thought.

Usually, the sound of his voice would be enough to pull her in and engage her in the lecture. She always walked away feeling like she knew what he was trying to say. Something was just off though.

She just wanted to go back to bed. Or know why she felt so far from him and how she’d come to depend on his presence so thoroughly.

Rey sank down in her seat and rested her head on Rose’s shoulder, “If he looks at me just bump me.”

Rose nodded, ever the loyal friend.

Rey closed her eyes and let her mind wander.

It wasn’t like Rey and Ben had stopped talking as much. In fact, they talked more. It just seemed like every one of his responses was worded carefully, like he was being careful not to cross some line that was invisible to Rey.

Rey didn’t mean to fall asleep. She’d just wanted to rest a bit.

Before she knew it, though, Rose was shaking her awake, “Rey.”

“Mm?” Rey sat up, rubbing her eyes, “What’s up?”

“Class is over. Professor Ren is waiting for you, I think.” Her eyes darted to where Ben stood, leaning against the desk at the front of the lecture hall, arms folded and not looking happy.

“Fuck.” Rey shoved her stuff in her bag and trudged her way down to Ben.

“Good morning.” He said, his voice sharp. He was not happy with her.

Rey kept her head down. This wasn’t Ben. This was Professor Ren. She felt shame wash over her, “Professor, I’m so-”

“Would you like to tell me which part of my lecture was so dull that it put you to sleep?”

Rey shifted her weight, looking up at him, “That’s not it. Your lecture was fine, I’m so sorry, I swear it won’t happen again.”

Ben sighed, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling, “Rey, I’m having a hard time right now.”

“With what?”

“I should be so pissed at you. You fell asleep in my lecture. And didn’t even try to hide it. I guess I am pissed at you, a little.” He spoke to the ceiling. His hands were clenched into fists. He dropped his head back down to look at her, “But mainly I’m concerned because you did.”

“Oh,” Rey said, not knowing how to respond.

“And it fucking sucks,” Ben continued, not needing a response, “Because I don’t know how to balance this with you. Part of me says to let it go because I know you, and I know something must be up. Part of me says if I let it go, it’ll just teach you that it’s okay to take advantage of... this.” He waved a hand between them. “I know that you wouldn’t, though, but I can’t... you have to tell me what to do here, Rey.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep, I swear. A lot’s been on my mind recently. And I know that’s not an excuse but it keeps me up at night and I can’t sleep and, and-”

Rey didn’t realize she was crying until Ben reached up to wipe a tear away from her cheek. 

“Don’t cry,” he whispered.

Rey shook her head, her cheek bumping into where his hand still lingered, “I’m sorry, Ben.”

“It’s okay. I think you do need some sleep. More than you got in class today. Do you-” His hand dropped, “do you wanna come sleep on my couch?”

Rey blinked at him. She did. She nodded at him.

“Alright, let’s go.”

She followed close behind him as he strode through the halls.

When they got to his office, Rey all but passed out on his couch. It was so comfortable. She felt something being laid over her. A blanket, she realized. She hummed with satisfaction and pulled it closer. It smelled of laundry detergent and faintly of Ben. It was nice.

She heard him sit down and put his feet up on the desk. She wondered what he would do while she slept.

As she drifted off, she could have sworn she heard Ben mutter, “I’m so fucked.”

~*~~*~~*~

She didn’t know how long she slept on Ben’s couch, but she did know that she’d missed her other class. She didn’t really care. All she cared about was the soft lilt of Ben’s voice that she could hear. He was talking to somebody.

“Yeah, there’s a reason.” He said.

There was silence for a bit.

“No, I’m perfectly fine where I’m at, thank you.”

More silence.

“I don’t have any manuscripts and if I did, you’d never get your hands on them.”

Rey opened one eye just slightly. Ben was hunched over in his chair with his elbows on his knees. One hand was holding the phone while the other was tangled in his hair. He’d unbuttoned the top buttons of his shirt and Rey’s heartbeat picked up ever so slightly.

There was only one light on in the room, throwing everything into shadows. The light (or lack thereof) streaming in through the window told her it was late. Much later than she thought. It was almost dark out.

“Well, yeah, that would be because you tried to rip my family apart and nearly succeeded.” Ben hissed.

He huffed lightly, “Yeah, no thanks to you.”

There was a long pause and Ben just shook his head. Rey wondered who was on the other end of the phone and why it was causing Ben so much distress.

“Listen, I’m done talking to you, I told you five years ago I’m done.” Despite his words, Ben did not hang up the phone directly.

“You leave her out of this.” Ben’s voice could kill a man. Rey shivered as she watched his knuckles turn white in his hair. He must be pulling his own hair hard enough to hurt. At this he did hand up, letting his hand fall away from his ear. The phone dropped from his hand, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Ben breathed deeply for several minutes and Rey still pretended to sleep. She wanted to hug him, comfort him, tell him everything would be okay. But she didn’t know if it would be.

She shifted under the blanket, putting her arms underneath her to sit up. At the slight rustle, Ben turned to look at her.

She smiled at him, but it was more of a grimace. His eyes were red-rimmed. He’d been crying.

“Ben?”

He just looked at her, as if taking her in for the first time.

“What time is it?” She whispered. The room felt too delicate to speak too loudly.

Ben looked at his watch, “Nearly seven.”

Rey looked around, running a hand through her hair to try and put it back in some kind of order. “I’m sorry I slept so long.”

“It’s fine, I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be.”

Rey rested her hands in her lap and peered at him, “Why were you crying?”

He turned away from her and blinked, “It’s nothing.”

Rey wanted to reach out, but with all the distance between them- both physical and emotional- she wasn’t sure that was the smartest move on her part. “If you’re crying that means it’s not nothing.”

Ben picked up his phone from the floor and set in on his desk. “It was just a call from my old publisher, it’s really not a big deal.”

She didn’t believe him, but knew that it wasn’t smart to push him any further.

She picked at a loose thread on the blanket, trying to work up the courage to ask what had been on her mind lately. “Are you mad at me?”

Ben looked surprised at the question, and he rolled his chair closer to her. “What on earth would I be mad at you for?”

She avoided his gaze, wrapping the loose thread around her pinky finger, “I don’t know, you just... it just seems like you’d rather I not be around. Or talking to you.”

Rey looked up at him through her lashes when he didn’t respond. He was looking at her very intently. Rey tried to smile at him, but it came out very weak.

“Is this what’s been bothering you?”

Rey didn’t have to nod. He already knew it. He wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t. Rey stilled her hands and lay them out flat on her knees, trying to stop them from shaking so visibly. This was scary. Being this vulnerable in front of him, it was frightening. He had the power to crush her with so little effort, and he didn’t even know. She wondered how he would react if she told him she loved him. Probably kick her out of his office and block her number. The thought wasn’t pleasant.

“Rey,” Ben reached out and touched her hand where it rested on her knee, “I’m not mad at you, for any reason. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

_ Oh, but I have, professor. _ Rey thought,  _ You see, I’ve gone and fallen in love with you. That’s probably the worst thing of all. _

Rey nodded. “Okay.”

Ben’s grip tightened on hers when he heard the sorrow in her voice, “Why did you think I was mad at you?”

Rey shrugged, “I don’t know, you just seem... distant. Like you don’t care about me or something.”

Ben laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound. “Trust me, Rey. I care about you. I want the best for you, always. I’m sorry if I seemed distant, I’ve just been trying to sort through some things.”

Rey let her thumb graze his, “What things?”

Ben sighed, closing his eyes, “Just my own problems. You know I’m... angry inside. I’ve been angry at myself. I have these feelings. I’m filled with guilt and anger and it’s eating me up inside.”

“You have nothing to feel guilty for, Ben.” Rey said, eyes boring into his. It pained her to see such hatred in the depths of his brown eyes. It was hatred for himself, for his anger and guilt and whatever else was hurting him. She wanted to wipe all traces of that pain and hatred from his soul, she wanted to show him how beautiful he could be, how beautiful he  _ was _ .

“You don’t know that.” His voice was tight, barely restrained. He closed his eyes.

“I know you, Ben Solo, and I know that whatever you’re feeling guilt for, you shouldn’t. You’re a good man.”

Ben took a deep breath, opening his eyes to meet hers. There was resolve in there, but it wasn’t the resolve of a man who’s resigned himself to his fate. It was decision, action. “Rey, I-”

Rey’s phone started playing the Golden Girls theme song.

Ben’s head dropped, and he groaned, “What is that?”

“It’s Finn’s ringtone,” Rey laughed, reaching for her phone.

“Hello?” Rey said after answering.

“Where the hell are you? Why do you keep disappearing?” Finn’s voice was bordering on angry. From the way Ben’s eyebrows flew into his hairline, she knew he could hear Finn.

Rey leaned away from Ben slightly, sitting back into the couch. “I’m... studying at the library.”

Rey noticed that Ben’s hand didn’t move from her knee. Maybe he’d forgotten it was there. Whatever the reason, she hoped he kept it there forever.

“That’s a goddamn lie. Are you hooking up with someone? Is it the ginger dude again?” Finn asked, disgust in his voice.

Rey laughed, “No, Finn, I’m not. And if I were, it wouldn’t be him.” Rey kept her eyes on the blanket covering her lap and did not look at Ben.

“Good, ‘cause I still like the idea of you and-”

“Finn, I really need you to get to the point.” Rey quickly cut him off, hyper aware of the fact that Ben could hear Finn.

Finn sighed, “Oh my god, you ruin all the fun. Poe is making dinner for us, remember? It’s an early celebration.”

Rey had completely forgotten. The end of February was Finn’s birthday, or at least, the day Finn had assigned to be his birthday.

“Finn, oh my god, I’m so sorry. I’ll be right there, I just lost track of time.”

“It’s okay, peanut, I know you’re busy.”

Ben smirked at Finn’s nickname for Rey and Rey stuck her tongue out at him. “Did Poe already cook?”

“No, he’s waiting for you to get your ass over here.”

Rey nodded, “Okay, okay, I’ll be there in twenty minutes, I swear.”

“See you then. And I hope that whoever you’re with is hotter than the ginger.”

“I’m not with anyone.” Rey growled into the phone and hung up on her friend.

She ran a hand over her face and looked at Ben. “I’ve got to go.”

“So I heard.” Ben rolled away in his chair, letting Rey stand. 

She pulled the blanket off and arranged it into some kind of semi-folded heap. “Thank you for letting me crash on your couch.”

“Anytime, Rey.”

Rey was almost gone when he said, “Do you need a ride?”

Rey hesitated. She’d told Finn twenty minutes. Walking would take her longer than that, she knew. Poe’s apartment was farther than hers.

“Would you mind?”

Ben shook his head, “Not at all.”

He grabbed his briefcase and keys, following Rey out of the office. He turned to lock the door.

They walked in silence to the faculty parking lot. Rey shivered in the cold, glad she’d taken Ben’s offer of a ride. Ben’s car was the only one left this time of night.

Rey slid into the front seat of the car that had become all too familiar to her. Ben turned the heater on full-blast and Rey held her hands in front of the vents.

“You’re going to have to tell me how to get there.”

“Oh, yeah. We’re going to Poe’s apartment, so it’ll be a little farther. I hope that’s okay?”

Ben nodded, putting the car in reverse and backing out. There was something incredibly sexy about the way he put his hand on the back of her headrest to check the rear of the car. Who knew such an everyday task could be so appealing? Or maybe Rey was just desperate for him. 

Rey directed him to Poe’s apartment complex, again amazed at the way he drove. He handled the car like it was an extension of himself and Rey found herself wondering if he ever put those careful ministrations to other use.

Ben pulled up outside of Poe’s complex and Rey turned to him, “Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver.”

“It’s nothing.”

Rey unbuckled, “It’s everything. You’re a saint and a half.”

He chuckled, a little uncomfortably.

“I’ll see you later, Ben.”

“See you, Rey.”

Rey closed the door of the passenger side and waved at him a little as she ran up the steps to the door. She buzzed Poe’s apartment and within minutes was greeted by an incensed Finn.

“So, if you’re not  _ with  _ anyone, whose car was that, exactly?”

Rey blushed, forgetting about that. “Um, nobody’s.” She bent down and pet BB in greeted, “Hey, boy.”

“I swear, if it was-”

“It wasn’t!” Rey said, setting her stuff by the door, “It was Professor Ren.” She said quickly, passing Finn to get to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry,  _ what _ ?” Finn asked, trailing her.

Rey shrugged, greeting Poe with a kiss on the cheek. He smiled at her, but said nothing. He was smart enough to stay out of the conversation.

“Did you just say to me that you rode in Kylo Ren’s car to get here?” Finn turned to his boyfriend, “Is that what she just said to me?”

Poe shrugged, stirring whatever he had cooking on the stove, “Hey, man, don’t look at me.”

Rey grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and twisted the cap off, “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Finn spluttered, “Oh, I’m sorry, yeah, you’re right. Not that big of a deal that the man you’ve been lusting after for weeks now  _ drove you here _ in his sexy black car.”

Rey took a long swig of water as Finn spoke. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, “It’s just a car, Finn.”

“Were you with him?”

Rey blushed, fidgeting with the cap on the bottle, “I was in his office, yeah.”

“Doing what exactly?” Finn crossed his arms. Rey was surprised he didn’t tap his foot while he was at it.

“Nothing. We were just talking.” Rey felt her phone buzz in her back pocket, but didn’t take it out to look.

“About how you want to bone each other?”

Rey laughed, her head thrown back, “We do not want to bone each other!”

Poe turned to look at her slightly, his voice low, “All due respect, Rey, you kinda do.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “Fine, I want to bone him, but that’s as far as it goes. He would never have sex with me, even if I was the last girl on earth.”

Finn huffed, “Mhm.”

“It’s the truth, Finn!”

“For some reason, I don’t believe you. You had better tell me if you fuck him, because I have a bet riding on this, and I don’t want to lose money.”

“You have a bet? With who? On what?” Rey’s voice raised ten octaves.

“Rose. We bet when you two would finally hook up. So you had better tell me because I am not losing to her.”

Rey looked to Poe, “Did you know about this?” She gestured to Finn with her water bottle.

“I can’t say anything, they made me swear an oath.”

Rey rolled her eyes at the man, “Traitor.”

Finn turned her attention back to him, “Seriously, Rey, I want the best for you, though. Please be careful. You know I trust you, but you have got to make sure you know what you’re doing.”

“Nothing is happening, Finn!”

Finn raised a doubtful eyebrow at her, “Are you sure?”

“I am sure!” Rey set her water bottle down, “I swear to god, the last thing that man wants is to sleep with me!”

Finn still didn’t look convinced so Rey told him, “He’s into someone else. I don’t know who, but I know it’s some girl. He’s not into me, okay? Just drop it, please.”

Finn’s eyes filled with sympathy, and he blinked, “Oh, peanut, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” It was not fine, and he knew it. He came over to hug her, pulling her tightly to his chest.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I know you liked him a lot.”

Rey nodded against her friend’s chest, “I do.”

Finn rubbed her back in soothing circles, “It’ll be okay.”

Rey nodded, “Can we just talk about something else, please?”

“Yeah, of course.” Finn pulled away from her, holding her at arm’s length, “Want to tell me what you got me for my birthday?”

Rey laughed, “No.”

“Damn, I thought that would work.”

Rey rolled her eyes at her bet friend, “When has that ever worked, Finn?”

“It’s worth a shot.”

She shook her head at him.

Poe turned to them, “Listen, it’s lovely to have you both here but if you don’t get out of the kitchen while I’m cooking I will murder you both.”

Finn and Rey scurried out of the kitchen and sat on the couch as Poe finished cooking dinner. BB hopped up and curled on Rey’s lap.

Rey and Finn fell into easy conversation about Finn’s theory on what happened to JonBenet Ramsey (he’d recently watched a documentary).

“It was definitely her brother and the parents covered it up.”

Rey nodded, absentmindedly stroking BB, “The ransom note is just too weird.”

“It is!” Finn said, punching the pillow on his lap. BB looked up to glare at him and rolled closer to Rey.

Rey listened to exactly what Finn thought had gone down that night, nodding along. She’d heard his theory before. She had heard all of his theories about unsolved cases, but each time Finn came up with some new detail that he was convinced solved the case.

It was only when Poe called time for dinner that Rey remembered that she’d gotten a text earlier. Pulling her phone out of her pocket she saw it was from Ben. She felt a large smile cross her face as she read it.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ By the way, I forgot to tell you. You talk in your sleep. It’s highly unattractive. _


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i figured out chap 17 bitchessssss. now i gotta work on 18 which is causing me trouble.... but i have the chapters after that already written so yay ! 
> 
> notice: the next few chapters are going to be a roller coaster, so like. deep breaths everyone. we will get through this together
> 
> unedited and unbeta'd
> 
> follow me (or don't): @supremefuckingleader and/or @teetering-dinosaur

Rey had gotten back several assignments and exercises from Ben, all of them had meticulous commentary and small asides that brought a smile to Rey’s face. She wasn’t one to save assignments after she was done with them, but she had started putting the things he gave back to her in a special folder that in her head she’d labelled her Ben folder.

She always looked forward to his feedback. He was always harsh, but it never hurt her feelings. Everything he said was true, and it was hard to be mad at him when his words were written in such beautiful calligraphy. Rey could picture him writing the notes to her, his hand gripping his favorite pen and his face focused, with a slight smirk when he made jokes.

She treasured these little insights to him perhaps more than she should, but she thought that he enjoyed it, too. He had her write about all kinds of things that she knew weren’t necessary to whatever he was trying to teach her, but things that would amuse him.

He’d once made her write out all the dialogue she heard in a day and analyze it for storytelling. It ended up that people didn’t really say much when they were talking. Ben made fun of everyone in the margins.

Some of her favorite things he’d said she’d highlighted to remember them later, when she flipped back through. They included things like “I think you would benefit from hanging out with better people, that professor of yours sounds like a real dick” when she’d written about how he’d forced her to type out his e-mails because his glasses were supposedly giving him a headache.

Other comments that were her favorite were “you’re really not cut out for cold weather, Niima, I hate to tell you this” after she’d written about nearly getting frostbite and “I hope you rot in hell for this” when she’d clearly modeled a character who got killed off in the first thousand words after him.

All in all, she wasn’t sure if she was benefiting from his mentoring more on a personal level or professional level, but she really couldn’t complain. Her writing had improved with his help, and she was even coming up with more and more ideas the more she wrote.

One day she’d told him that he should actually offer his mentoring services for money.

“Ew, I don’t want to mentor a bunch of losers who can’t write.” He said, his coffee halfway to his lips.

She scowled at him, “Thank you so much for that.”

He shook his head, swallowing his coffee, “No, not you, Rey. The only people who actually hire mentors are those who can’t get a free mentor because they have talent. I’m not going to waste my time on some washed-up journalist trying to write a historical romance or whatever.”

“What’s wrong with historical romance?” Rey asked, offended. She loved indulging in historical romance. It made her feel like true love was possible.

“Nothing except when it’s written by washed-up journalists.”

Rey frowned, taking a sip of her latte, “Well, still. Think about it.”

Ben had a little smile on his lips, as if amused by this conversation, “I don’t need the money, Rey.”

“So do it for free,” she suggested, “There are a bunch of students who would jump at the chance to have you as their mentor, despite the fact that they’d run crying from you after each meeting.”

“I don’t care if students want to be mentored by me, I don’t offer it.” He shook his head.

“You did to me.” She pointed out, looking at him over the brim of her latte.

He stared at her. “You’re not them.”

She didn’t know what that meant, but her stomach flipped at least five times at his words. She didn’t say anything, instead just going back to sipping her latte.

~*~~*~~*~

They were both curled up on opposite ends of the couch in his office, eating Chinese take-out. Rey had her legs tucked underneath her to make more room for the hulking mass that was Ben Solo. He sat with his legs crossed and still seemed to take up two thirds of the couch. His knee rested lightly on top of one of hers and neither one of them had pretended they didn’t notice. It didn’t matter. Not when they were alone. They were free to have these little moments between them, as friends. It felt comfortable.

“I mean, I really don’t see any other options for me here,” Ben said, “You are evil. I want you to know that I hate you for making me do this.”

Rey laughed and picked up some lo mein noodles with her chopsticks, “You have to, it’s the rules of the game. Don’t be a pussy, professor.”

He sneered at her, “You’re such a little foul-mouth.”

She smiled at him.

He sighed, long and suffering, “Okay. If I have to. I would say I have to kill the Kool-Aid Man... I guess I marry the Keebler elf and fuck Mr. Peanut, but it just doesn’t feel right.”

Rey laughed at Ben’s despair, “It’s the only way! You can’t fuck the elf.”

“You really can’t.” Ben shook his head, taking a bite of fried rice.

“Okay, now you,” He said, his mouth full, “Between Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.”

Rey bust out laughing, “What the hell?”

Ben shrugged, “I couldn’t think of anyone else.”

The truth was, they were less than sober. It turned out Ben had a hidden bottle of scotch (or three) in his drawers and after a hard day for him, Rey had come by his office to find him half-drunk. He begged her to order food and hang out with him, and who was she to not indulge him in his every whim?

She ordered Chinese, brought it to him, and they locked the door and started their party for two. It had been her idea to play fuck, marry, kill. Out of pure curiosity on her part. Nothing more.

Rey considered her options. “I can’t fuck or marry the bunny, so kill him.”

Ben nodded, “Wise choice.”

“I wouldn’t mind being Mrs. Claus, I guess. Plus the North Pole would be fun to live at.”

“You’re not built for cold weather, remember?” Ben pointed out.

“I would have the elves build me a heater, dummy.”

Ben’s eyebrows drew together like he hadn’t considered that thought, and then he nodded, “Fair. So you fuck the Tooth Fairy?”

“Mhm.” Rey said, her mouth full of lo mein again.

“Smart.”

When Rey gave him the Kardashians, he didn’t know which one was which. She pulled up a picture of them and moved closer to show him, “This one is Khloe, this one is Kim, and this one is Kourtney.”

“They all look the same.” He shook his head.

Rey laughed, “Yeah, but you have to pick, Ben.”

He looked at her, “Does it matter? They’re all rich, so whoever I marry I’m also rich.”

Rey huffed, rolling her eyes at him, “But who would you rather have sex with?”

“None of them.” He answered, looking down at the picture on Rey’s phone again.

Rey turned her phone so she could see it, “You’re telling me that you don’t want to sleep with any of these three gorgeous women?”

Ben shook his head, “Not my type.”

Rey huffed and sat back in her corner of the couch, “If they aren’t your type, then you must be attracted to actual trolls.”

Ben smirked, peering at her, “I must be.”

Rey didn’t know why she blushed, but she bumped her knee with his, “C’mon, it’s my turn.”

Ben rested his head on the back of the couch, “Okay, let me think.”

He chewed on his fried rice as he mulled over the options. “Okay, I have it. Between Bodhi, Finn, and Hux.”

“Um,” Rey had too many initial thoughts to put them in order, but instead of anything normal, she asked, “Who’s Bodhi?”

Ben tilted his head at her, “The guy in the front row you always stare at.”

Rey pulled her eyebrows together, confused. She thought back to class and then laughed when she realized who he was talking about. “Oh, him. Yeah, okay. But you can’t use real people, that’s not fair.”

“You used the Kardashians.”

“They don’t count as real people!”

Ben’s face was blank, “You have to choose.”

“Well, I marry Finn, clearly, because he’s my best friend. And marriage doesn’t technically mean we have to have sex, so we’re good on that front.”

Ben nodded, her logic able to permeate his drunk brain. “Hux and Bodhi left.”

“Well, I don’t know Bodhi at all, and I guess he’s alright looking... but does it count if I’ve already fucked Hux?”

Ben choked on his rice. Rey laughed, slapping him on his back, “Careful.”

Ben’s face was red when he said, “I guess so?”

Rey shrugged, “Okay so kill Bodhi and then I’ve already unfortunately been with Hux so, yeah.” She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

“I have questions.”

Rey nodded, “Shoot.”

“Why not fuck Bodhi?”

“Um, I don’t know him.”

“But you’re always staring at him.” He muttered, stabbing his chopsticks into his rice.

Rey shook her head, “No, I’m looking at his notes. He takes good notes and I can’t focus in class, so I just copy most of his. Plus, sometimes he draws in the margins and it’s really pretty.”

Ben looked as if he hadn’t considered the possibility that Rey hadn’t been staring at the boy for whatever reason he thought. “Oh, I guess that makes sense. Why can’t you focus in class?”

“I get distracted.” Rey said, intentionally not elaborating. “What’s your other question?”

Ben’s faced turned pink, “Oh, it was about Hux.”

Rey blushed, too. “Oh.”

Ben cleared his throat, “Did you-”

“I didn’t like him at all. I only did it ‘cause I was lonely and it was around Valentine’s Day and Finn kind of made me feel bad about... Well, whatever. But Hux was terrible and he thinks he was good which is even worse that he’s not self-aware enough to know that he didn’t even make-” Rey cut herself off, the sober part of her holding her tongue.

It didn’t matter, though. The gist of her little rant was clear. Ben knew. He knew that she’d had sex with Hux and hadn’t come.

Ben looked at her, “I’m sorry.”

Rey laughed, “You don’t have to apologize for another guy’s failures, Ben.”

“I know, it’s just... you shouldn’t sleep with someone you don’t even really want to and not even get to... enjoy it.”

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the way Ben was looking at her, with his lips slightly parted, a darkness swallowing his eyes, turning them almost black. Maybe it was the fact that she had never wanted to kiss anyone so badly in her entire life.

She said, “Well, if you’re really so concerned, find me someone who can do me right.”

Ben’s tongue darted out to wet his lips, “Rey.”

He said her name like a prayer, and Rey knew that he’d thought about some of the same things she did. She wondered if thoughts of her kept Ben up late at night, desperately craving the same release she did. She never got it, though. Never felt fulfilled. Did he?

Rey set her take-out box on the ground and scooted closer to him. She gently pried his own box away, setting it beside hers.

Then she looked up at him patiently, waiting for him to do something- anything.

He just repeated her name, more desperate this time.

“What do you want, Ben?” She whispered, her hand reaching out to touch his forearm gently.

“Nothing I can have.” He confessed.

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“I’m drunk.” He said.

“So am I.”

He nodded, his eyes on her lips.

She leaned slightly closer to him, begging him to take initiative. If they had to depend on her to make the move, they’d be here forever. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, though. Not with the tension that Rey could feel in the room, between them.

_ This was happening, _ Rey thought,  _ it’s happening and I’m not as scared as I should be. _

“Ben, please, just-”

He leaned up, his hand coming to cup the side of her face gently. She could feel the heat of his hand spread through her body. His thumb stroked her cheekbone lightly, “I can’t, Rey.”

Rey nearly screamed. She was so high-strung right now that one brush of his lips against hers, and she was sure she would combust. She wasn’t above begging.

“Ben,” she whimpered, “don’t say that.”

His eyes looked away from her lips and met her own gaze, “One of us has to be strong,” his hand fell from her face, and he stood up, picking up the food containers as Rey slumped back into the couch.

She wanted to hit something. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream in his face that he was a tease, and he should just take her right now or else never have done this to her.

“You should call someone to come pick you up. I can’t drive like this.”

Rey sniffled and Ben turned back to look at her.

“If-if you don’t want me, you can just say that.” She whispered, “I know there’s someone else but... this can be just for tonight. We can forget about it in the morning. If you want.”

Ben dropped his head, taking deep breaths, “Rey, that’s... you need to call Poe to come pick you up.”

Rey nodded, “Yeah, okay. I get it.” Rey picked up her things, not bothering to call Poe yet. She needed to get out of here. She’d already made a fool of herself. Why stick around any longer?

Rey hurried out of his office, dialing Poe, tears beginning to well in her eyes. “Poe, can you come pick me up? And bring Finn?”

Poe didn’t ask her any questions except where she was. She told him, and he didn’t miss a beat, “I’ll be there soon, Rey, just hang on.”

Poe must have sped all the way here because he made record time. Finn jumped out of the car and rushed to hug her. She clutched on to him tightly, “I fucked up, Finn.”

“Sh, it’s okay,” he rubbed her back, “It’s okay. I’m here, peanut.”

Poe leaned over the console of the car, looking at Finn and Rey, “Everything okay, Rey?”

Rey shook her head against Finn’s chest. Poe seemed to get the message.

“Let’s get you home.” Finn led her to the car.

They didn’t ask her any questions like why she was drunk and at Ben’s office at 10pm on a Wednesday. They didn’t ask what happened, and she didn’t tell them. She would never tell anyone. The only one who would know the way she had pathetically begged for Ben Solo was the man himself.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey was mortified but she had to do this. She took a deep breath before turning the corner to the hallway and marching down to Ben’s office. His door was open. He was laying on his couch, an arm thrown over his eyes and his legs dangling off. He was far too big for the couch, just as Rey had always suspected.

She didn’t even knock, she just said, “You know, if you’re going to sleep in your office, you probably shouldn’t leave your door open.”

To Ben’s credit, he didn’t jump. He just said, “I’m not sleeping.” His tone sounded hollow and she wondered if he had slept at all last night.

Rey shifted on her feet, “Then what are you doing?”

“I’m trying to summon a student to come annoy me,” His arm moved away from his eyes, and he turned to look at her, “and oh, look, it worked.”

Rey pressed her lips into a thin line. “I just came to...”

“To what, Rey?” He snapped. She didn’t know if he was mad at her or if he was just suffering from a headache.

“To see how you were doing. If you... remember last night.”

He looked at her blankly, his expression was unreadable and his eyes were guarded, “I’m hungover on a Thursday and I have to teach two classes today, so that’s awesome. As far as what I remember, I remember I got drunk, and you come to my office. I had you order take-out and you got drunk. From there it’s... fuzzy.”

_ He didn’t remember. _ Rey didn’t know if this was the best or worst thing that had ever happened to her.

Rey nodded, “Okay, well. I was just. Checking. You know, to make sure that... you remembered as much as I did.”

Ben raised his eyebrows.

Rey barged ahead, “And I honestly don’t remember much, so it seems like we’re on the same page, which is awesome.”

Ben blinked slowly. “Awesome.”

Rey nodded. “Yeah, well... I have class, so. I’m just gonna-” she hooked a thumb over her shoulder, indicating that she was leaving now.

He nodded, “I’ll see you later.”

Rey smiled quickly but insincerely as she left him laying on his comfortable couch without memory of the fact that not ten hours ago had she begged him to kiss her on that very same couch.

~*~~*~~*~

Ben’s eyes were like a magnet and Rey was repelling him. He didn’t look at her once throughout the lecture. She wondered if he really did remember, and felt her stomach sink. She’d ruined everything. There was no going back from this, if he did remember. He would always know that she wanted him. Thankfully she hadn’t told him that she was full-on in love with him. That would’ve been even worse.

If Ben thought it was just lust that had driven her to begging him to kiss her then maybe they could move past it. It would never be possible to forget, but maybe he would forgive.

But, Rey also thought, if he didn’t know, she didn’t want to reveal it to him. If he truly didn’t remember then everything would go back to normal. Maybe he was just embarrassed he got drunk in his office. Maybe he was embarrassed that he’d said he’d fuck Mr. Peanut. It could be anything.

She didn’t know where to go from here. The best she could do was pretend she didn’t remember anything that happened and hope that he either thought the same or went along with it. If he asked her about it, well, she was pretty sure that she would die right there on the spot.

Rey didn’t have any reason to stick around after class, so she darted out of the lecture hall before he could make eye contact with her. Not that he would. He’d been avoiding her gaze since she’d walked in.

Rey followed Rose through the courtyard. The snow was beginning to melt and the air was almost pleasant. There was still a nip in the air that required a jacket, but everywhere Rey looked she could see signs of spring beginning. In a week, it would be spring break. Midterms were right after, for some ungodly reason.

Ben would give out the midterm assignment next Tuesday, he’d said.

Rey wondered how they’d already gotten this far into the semester. While it felt like she had just met Ben, it also felt like she’d spent a lifetime knowing him. Now, she was afraid, all of that was being ripped away from her because of one stupid mistake.

She thought about texting him, but if he knew what she’d done last night, crossing even more boundaries was probably not the smartest idea in the world. Rey had nothing to do but let him decide what to do. The fate of their friendship or whatever the hell they were was in his hands. She hoped she could live with the decision that he made.

She and Rose found themselves at their coffee shop, enjoying the warming weather as they sat on the patio and watched the world walk by.

Rose was telling her about how things were going with her date from Valentine’s Day. Her name was Jannah, Rey learned, and she used to be in classes with Finn. They hadn’t known each other, but they’d seen each other around.

Rose seemed really excited about this new girl, and Rey smiled and nodded along with her stories, trying not to look like she was wallowing in self-pity, though she was.

When Rose asked her about grad school, Rey nearly cried. She’d been so caught up with Ben and all that he entailed that she’d let grad school slip to the wayside. She’d almost forgotten to be stressed about it. It felt nice, for a bit, until it crept up to her again.

“I don’t know, Rose. I just don’t know if I’m cut out for it.”

Rose sighed, “Rey, I don’t think you want to go.”

“What?” Rey asked, genuinely surprised. Of course, she wanted to go. This was her next step. This was what she had to do. There was nothing else for her to do.

“I don’t think that you actually want to go, and I think that’s why you haven’t actually done anything about it.”

Rey’s mouth opened and closed several times. “No.” She finally settled on.

Rose shrugged, “I’m not saying I’m right, I’m just saying I think you need to think about why you’re going to grad school and if it’s the right reasons.”

Rey shook her head, “There are different right reasons for everyone.”

“Okay, so what are yours?”

Rey didn’t have an answer. She knew that she should have an answer, but  _ because I can’t do anything else _ didn’t seem like a good option. She had no job plans lined up, she didn’t know what to do. Rey knew she wanted to write, but she couldn’t get published. Hell, she had nothing  _ to _ publish.

Rey didn’t answer her and Rose smiled, “I’m just trying to help you, Rey. I want what’s best for you.”

_ Yeah _ , Rey thought, _ you aren’t the only one. _

It seemed like everybody wanted the best for her, lately. But if she didn’t know what was best for her, and they didn’t know what was best for her, how would anybody know when she got it?

And what if she didn’t want the best for herself? What if she just wanted? What if she wanted Ben and to write for a living and to have the people she cared for around her? She wanted to be happy and healthy and cared for. Was that so much to ask for in this world? 

Rey didn’t know the answers to any of her questions, and it scared her. She should know these answers. The scariest thing for Rey was that she didn’t know how to go about getting those answers, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRUH


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's really cute when people don't show up for their shifts because the weather's bad (even though you walked your ass to work at 7am in the freezing rain) so you have to stay there and work but it's EVEN CUTER when they DO show up for their shift an hour before it's over even though the weather did not get any better :) so adorable. i'm so glad that happened. ugh
> 
> anyways i have a headache and my body is sore and i want to lay in bed for ten years. i haven't gotten any writing done today :( i hope you enjoy the chapter
> 
> also happy birthday to the love of my life kelly marie tran

Rey stared at the midterm assignment. He must have lost his mind. It was the only explanation. Surely this was a joke. Except, Professor Kylo Ren didn’t joke around. And he definitely didn’t assign a thirty-five thousand word story due in two weeks for shits and giggles. This was so much fucking work.

It didn’t seem like anyone was able to process the words on the page in front of them, whispering to neighbors and comparing handouts.

Rey looked up at Ben, who was watching the commotion with an almost sick pride. He loved torturing his students. When she had looked at him, his eyes fell on her. His smirked widened as she mouthed the words “I hate you” to him. He winked at her, and she hated that it sent butterflies through her stomach, despite the fact that she was pissed at him for this.

Eventually, someone plucked up the courage to raise their hand and ask the question they all dreaded. Rey cringed for the boy. He was about to be eviscerated. 

“S-Sir,” the boy, Snap she thinks his name was, stuttered, “it says here we’re to write a  _ thirty-five thousand-word story  _ for the midterm?”

Ben nodded slowly, “Yes.”

The boy hesitated, “Only, you’ve given us two weeks to do it in.”

“Would you like to ask a question that isn’t clearly stated on the rubric, Mr. Wexley?”

He cleared his throat, “It’s just... that’s a lot of work to draft, write, edit, and rewrite a story of that length in two weeks on top of our other midterms and-”

“Are you insinuating you don’t believe your peers are up to the task?” His eyes were on fire and Rey hated when she saw this side of him. She knew he was a professor that was feared by all, but she so rarely was on the other end of it or witnessed the full brunt of it on others that she forgot he could be like this.

“No!” Snap rushed, “I’m just-”

“Then are you telling me that you yourself are not up to the task?” He stalked closer to the side of the lecture hall Snap was on, a predator who has spotted his prey.

“I-”

“Mr. Wexley, I need you to realize that you and your peers are in an advanced writing course. This is an upper-level course. I am providing you advanced work. If you are not able to keep up with the work I provide, by all means feel free to drop the class. I’ll even provide you a list of classes more suitable for your skill set to take next fall, as you wouldn’t be graduating this spring. Otherwise, if you are going to stay in my class, I would like to hear less complaining about my assignments in the future.”

Snap looked pale, and he nodded, “Yes, sir.”

Ben walked back across the front of the hall, “Any more questions?”

Everybody was smart enough to keep their hands down. “Good.” He said, followed by a curt nod. “Should you think of any, feel free to _ not  _ e-mail me. Anything from here on out is your responsibility.”

The students darted glances at each other and Rose looked to Rey, her mouth agape.

“Class dismissed.”

The clamour of students rushing out of the hall was enough for Rose and Rey to mutter to each other without Ben hearing.

“I don’t know how you put up with that guy, let along like him.” Rose told her, “He’s the devil incarnate.”

“He’s not as bad one-on-one.”

“Maybe not to you. I went to his office hours, and he nearly bit my head off. I thought he’d be nice ‘cause I’m friends with you, but...” she looked at him, dramatically shivering, “I guess not.”

Rey looked at him, he was packing his bag with a practiced slowness that told her he was waiting on her. “He really isn’t that bad. I’ll see what I can find out about the midterm and tell you, okay? Maybe he’s not expecting as much as he says he is?”

Rose looked at her doubtfully, “Be real, Rey.”

Rey frowned, knowing she was right. “Okay. Well, you should probably go start drafting your midterm. I’m going to meet with the devil incarnate. Wish me luck.”

“Good luck!” Rose called helpfully, drawing Ben’s attention.

Rey turned around to throw her a dirty look. Rose just smiled, waving.

Ben’s enormous hands were on his briefcase and he looked at Rey, “How much do you hate me right now?”

“Oh, so fucking much.” Rey said, letting her dissatisfaction show. “And you chewed Snap’s ass out in front of everyone for asking legit questions!”

Ben sighed, “Rey, it’s not easy being the bad guy but somebody has to do it.”

“Oh, poor you. You know what’s not easy? Writing a thirty-five thousand-word story that’s good enough to meet your standards  _ and _ study for my four other classes, two of which also require midterm papers, by the way.”

He winced, “I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not. But you will be I turn into a sleepless troll and you have to deal with me. That’s your punishment, Solo. That and the trash fire that all of our stories will be.”

He looked down, on the verge of hanging his head in shame, “Rey, it’s not going to be that bad.”

“You don’t get to say that, mister.” Rey pointed an angry finger at him, “You have no fucking say in anything, ever!”

“I-”

“No!” Rey said, glaring at him, “None! I am going to be in such mental and physical pain these next few weeks, and you are solely to blame. I want that weighing on your conscious.”

“Believe me it will be.” He said, a hint of sarcasm seeping through.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey texted him in the middle of the night. It was short and sweet. A middle finger emoji. She had just finished plotting her story with the elements he’d required. It was going to be hell writing it, she could tell. She would probably get such a bad grade on this, and she didn’t even fucking care.

He didn’t respond until the morning when he sent her an emoji of a bouquet of flowers. As if that made up for anything.

She would start her first draft today and, with any luck, have a third of it done. The timeline she had planned out for this assignment was too stressful to even think about.

Rey sent Ben a picture of her schedule that had her writing timeline and her other midterms blocked in there. Hopefully if he saw the damage he was causing first-hand, he’d go easy on them when it came time for grading.

He didn’t say anything to her message. He left her on read.

She stormed to his office later that afternoon during his office hours.

She knocked on the door, seeing him sitting inside with another professor. He looked up at her, and Rey could see the way he held the corners of his mouth down to stop himself from smiling. He held a finger up to her, indicating he needed a minute. She nodded and stood just outside the doorway.

She was able to hear everything they said to each other, but she got the feeling that she really shouldn’t.

“I really don’t know what I’m going to do with him, from the outset he’s had some kind of personal vendetta against me.” Ben said, “He’s demanding a new faculty advisor, and I was hoping you’d consider taking him on.”

The woman, whoever she was, responded, “I’m sorry, Kylo, I just don’t have that kind of room, I already have four grad students. Have you tried Pryde? I know he’s only got one.”

Ben sighed, “Yes, I’ve tried Pryde, but they don’t get along any better. Pryde was close to ripping my head off for even suggesting the idea. Apparently they knew each other from when Hux was an undergrad.”

Rey had to hold in her gasp of shock. He was talking about Hux. Hux wanted a new faculty advisor? Rey tried to think of even one reason that would make sense for Hux, but it didn’t add up. Ben was harsh, but he was good. He was probably the best faculty advisor you could have if you were able to grit your teeth and bear him.

The woman sighed, “I’m sorry, I wish I knew how to help you. I think you’re just going to have to tell him that there aren’t any faculty available.”

Rey couldn’t see Ben, but she could hear the resignation in his voice, “Alright, Amret. Thank you for seeing me about this.”

“Anything you need, Kylo, I’m right down the hall.”

Rey heard the shuffling of chairs, and then she saw the woman leave, giving Rey a quick smile. Rey smiled back and walked into Ben’s office, a glower on her face.

“You.”

He had the gall to look innocent. He pointed to himself, “Me?”

Rey didn’t sit down. She put both hands on his desk and leaned over it, “I am so ready to join the ‘I hate Kylo Ren’ club right now.”

He smiled, “There’s a club?”

“I’ll start it.” She growled, “I’ll be the fucking president.”

His eyes darted to the door, “Careful, Rey.”

She breathed deeply, closing her eyes for a minute. She pushed herself back and sat her chair.

“Respectfully, professor, go fuck yourself.”

Ben burst out laughing, “It’s not that bad.”

“David Foster Wallace had an easier time writing  _ Infinite Jest _ .”

Ben shook his head, “You’re being dramatic.”

“Am I?”

“Yes, you are.” He said with complete seriousness. “It’s going to be fine. You’ll have a whole week to recover after, anyways.”

“Is that how you justify torture?”

“You know if you weren’t in here assaulting me, you’d have more time to write.”

Rey let out a bitter laugh, “Oh, do not even go there.”

Ben shrugged, “It’s the truth.”

Rey shook her head, “I didn’t come to assault you, actually, I came for you to get one last glimpse of me before I turn into a wrinkly old hag because of the stress of your midterm.”

Ben gave her a blank stare, “I think you’ll be fine.”

“I think you secretly derive sick pleasure from seeing students’ will to live slowly fade from their eyes.”

Ben’s fingers tapped on his desk, “You’re not wrong.”

Rey couldn’t keep up the act anymore as she bust out laughing.

Ben smiled triumphantly, “You just can’t stay mad at me.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey was going to die and it was Ben’s fault. She’d holed herself in the library for days on end, only leaving to sleep and attend class. She’d barely gotten through writing a first draft, and now she had to focus on her other two assignments, not to mention editing and revising the shit show that she knew her story was. It had the thinnest plot imaginable, but when a professor told you to include eight different story elements, three different archetypes, and at least two allegories, it was a little difficult to find anything that fit the bill. Rey would be glad if she got even one point on it. At least she could say she’d done it.

She was barely holding her head up in the study room she’d booked when a knock came on the door. She turned to glare at whoever thought they were kicking her out, but to her utter delight, it was the smiling faces of her three favorite people. Well, two were smiling. Rose looked about as bad as Rey did.

Rey let them into the small room, “What are you guys doing here?” She asked through a yawn.

Poe held up a brown bag that she recognized. She smiled widely at him.

“Poe Dameron, will you marry me?” Rey snatched the bag from his hands, rooting around for her favorite banana bread that Poe made. She found it and almost let out a pornographic moan at the first bite.

Finn flopped into a free chair, “I’m going to ignore the fact that you asked my boyfriend to marry you because you’re sleep deprived.”

Rose started munching on a muffin, also taking a seat at the round table, “We came to force you into a study break.”

Rey sighed appreciatively, “If I didn’t have so much to do, I’d be grateful. I haven’t even started my women’s studies paper.”

Rose shook her head, “Mandatory break. Poe and Finn pulled me away from my study room.” She hooked her thumb over her shoulder, indicating where she was.

Rey smiled, resting her head on her arms. “I’m so tired.”

“Peanut, you need sleep.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t pull all-nighters.” She murmured.

“Not for three nights in a row.” Finn pointed out.

Poe looked shocked, “Three nights? Rey, that’s dangerous.”

“Mm.” Rey hummed, ready to fall over at any minute.

Rose looked worried, too, but didn’t say anything. She was going on two days herself.

“We’re taking you home,” Finn said, starting to pack her backpack, “and you’re going to get some sleep.”

“No.” Rey suddenly shot up, “I have to draft my women’s studies essay!”

“You can do that after you sleep,” Finn said, pulling out his older brother voice. She hated it because she was older than him.

Rey shook her head, pulling books from Finn’s hands, “Finn, please, just a few more hours and then I’ll come home.”

Finn glared at her. Rose sat very still, trying to not attract attention to herself, lest she be scolded, too.

Finn stood suddenly. “I’ll be right back.”

Poe watched his boyfriend leave uncertainly, “Whatever he’s doing, I don’t like it.”

Rey shrugged, resting her head on her arms again, closing her eyes, “I just need a quick ten-minute nap, and I’m good. Can you wake me then?”

Poe muttered noncommittally.

Rey was on the verge of sleep when she heard the door opening again. Finn was back. It was time to get up. If he saw her sleeping, he’d drag her home for sure.

When she opened her eyes, she saw the last person she expected to see kneeling in beside her.

“Ben?” She blinked, as if imagining him. When she realized he was actually here, she sat up. She looked at her friends who were busy mouthing  _ Ben? _ at each other in confusion. “You guys really suck, I want you to know that.”

“Rey,” Ben said, his tone telling her that he was not to be fucked with. This wasn’t his professor voice, but this was his concerned friend voice. “You have to go home and sleep. You’re going to burn out if you don’t.”

“I have work to do, I can’t go home.” She said, feeling like a petulant child.

Ben looked at her friends, “Could you guys give a second?”

They all looked scared and scurried out of the room, leaving her and Ben alone. She wanted to tell him that they were watching through the small window in the door, but she didn’t have the energy to.

He put a hand on her knee, and she looked down at him.

“I’m mad at you.” She whispered.

He smiled, “I know, you should be. But if you don’t go home with Finn and Poe I’m going to carry you down to my office and lock you in there until you sleep.”

Rey yawned, “That’s kidnapping, professor.”

He shrugged, “Another one of my many offenses.”

Rey looked at all her open books, “I can’t do it all.” 

To her embarrassment, she felt tears begin to well in her eyes.

Ben squeezed her knee, “Rey, you can do it all, but you have to sleep. Your body needs to rest.”

“I’m a failure, Ben.”

He dropped his head to where his hand rested on her knee. He stayed like that for a bit, and Rey wanted to run her fingers through his hair. She almost did, too, but he suddenly looked back up at her, “You’re not a failure. You just have an asshole professor.” He stood up, holding his hand out to her, “C’mon.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“To get some sleep.”

Rey didn’t really find herself thinking twice about standing and taking his hand. He opened the door to three people trying their best and failing at looking casual.

“I’m going to take her back to my place, where she can get some rest.”

Finn stepped forward, “Now, hold on, we can get her back home. I just brought you here to convince her.”

“I am convincing her. She’s not going to go with you, you’ve had four days to try to get her to sleep. Let me try now.”

“Who do you think you are?” Finn asked, his voice slightly louder, “I’m her best friend, you’re her  _ professor _ .”

Ben leaned towards Finn threateningly, “I know that, Storm, believe me. You can pack up all her stuff and take it home. I’m going to get her to sleep. Would you like to try and stop me?” His voice was a low growl and it made Rey shiver. 

She tugged on Ben’s hand, “Stop.”

Finn looked between Rey and Ben, “If you lay one hand on her, I swear to god-”

“I’ll jump of a bridge myself if I do, Finn. You have my word, I will never hurt Rey.”

Something must have convinced Finn because he let them go. Rey hadn’t really processed any of their conversation other than the fact that she was going to Ben’s house. She would see his house.

Ben led her down the hall of study rooms and as soon as they were out of sight of her friends he turned to her, “Can you walk?”

“Yes.” She said, her face stern, “I’m not a child, Ben.”

“Do you want to walk?” He asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

Rey thought about it. Truth was, she felt like she could fall over at any second. She shook her head.

“Okay, Rey.”

Before she knew it, he was carrying her bridal style to his car. She giggled, burying her face in his neck, “This isn’t what I meant!”

She could hear the smile in his voice, “You said you didn’t want to walk.”

“I thought you would bring the car closer.”

“I thought this would be easier.” He shrugged, jostling her as he did so. Rey giggled again.

Before she knew it, she was sitting in Ben’s car with her head on the window.

“You can sleep now, Rey.”

Rey nodded, enjoying the smooth ride of the car. It would be easy to be lulled to sleep like this. “Okay, goodnight, Ben.”

“Goodnight, Rey.” He whispered.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey woke up in a bed that was not her own, but she could tell immediately whose it was. The smell was all too familiar. It was leather, woodsy, and  _ Ben _ .

She was uncomfortable. Her clothes were all tangled around her. Who let her sleep in jeans? 

She supposed that wasn’t the right question to ask. Who let her sleep in Professor Ren’s bed was more appropriate.

She looked across the expanse of bed and found no other body in it with her. The other side of the bed looked untouched. Ben hadn’t shared the bed with her. She tried to remember how she’d gotten here, in this beautiful house. She took everything in. His bedroom was almost pristine. It was a stark contrast to his office, where books and papers piled high and threatened to topple at any moment.

She rolled out of bed, trying to straighten her clothes as she did. She appreciated Ben’s gentlemanly respect for her privacy, but she really wished he’d just taken her jeans off. 

Rey opened the door she assumed led out into the hallway, running a hand through her hair. It was a tangled mess. Rey quickly gave up trying to look even semi-presentable. 

Rey wandered down his hall and into the living room. It was clean and sleek in there, too. The only sign a messy professor lived there was the bookcase that encompassed an entire wall. Books were shoved everywhere. He’d clearly tried to maximize his space, but even still there were stacks of books near his fire place (was that even safe?). Rey wondered if he’d read all of these books. There was no way. There were too many.

She heard a noise behind her and turned. She saw the man himself leaning against the kitchen entryway, a smile on his face and arms crossed over his chest, “Good morning, sleeping beauty.”

“What time is it? And what day?” Rey muttered, running a hand over her face.

“It’s Sunday. Almost 5pm.”

Her jaw dropped, “You let me sleep that long?”

“Rey, you were dangerously low on sleep. I was ready to let you sleep in there for a year if you needed.”

“I have too much to do to be sleeping that long, Ben!” She looked around, “Where’s my phone?”

He pulled it out of his back pocket and held it out to her.

She went over and grabbed it from him, scrolling through her notifications, “Fuck, Finn must be so mad at me.”

“Nah, he’s only pissed at me.”

She turned to look at him, “Why?”

Ben blinked, “Cause I basically threatened him. Then he threatened me. I think we’re even.”

Rey shook her head, reading the texts Finn had sent her. And Rose. And Poe. “You can’t be mean to my friends. And you can’t threaten them!”

Ben shrugged, not looking concerned. “I appreciate that your friends worry about you so much.”

Rey turned away from him, calling Finn.

He picked up on the first ring.

“Rey?”

“Finn.”

He sounded relieved when he said, “Thank god you’re alright. The captor let you have your phone?”

Rey laughed, “Yes, he did. Not that he was keeping it from me. I’ve been asleep all this time.”

“Rey, I told you not to stay up for such long periods of time.”

“I know, but when have I ever listened to you?” She quipped, guilt peppered in her voice.

Finn’s voice dropped, “Listen, Rey, is there something you need to tell me?”

Rey didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. She told him so.

“Are you alone?” Finn whispered still.

“No.” Rey drew out the syllable, “Why?”

“Can you get alone?”

“Yeah, Finn, I can.” Rey rolled her eyes and looked at Ben, nodding to the hallway again in question. He waved her on, going back into the kitchen.

Rey waited until she was in Ben’s bedroom again to speak, “What’s wrong, Finn?”

“What the hell is up with Ren? And why did he take you back to his house? And why do you call him Ben? And why did he threaten to kill himself if he ever hurt you?”

“He  _ what _ ?” She asked, incredulous.

“Yeah, I told him not to lay a hand on you or else I’d beat his ass, and he said he’d he’d rather throw himself off a bridge.”

Rey tried not to smile at something so morbid. But it was like Ben to be so dramatic, “Well, I don’t know, it’s probably because he’s not a pervert.”

“It didn’t feel like that was it.” Finn said suspiciously.

“Finn, you’re too overprotective. Aren’t you the one who brought him to me?”

“Yes, because I thought he’d yell at you until you slept, not...” Finn floundered for words, “whatever the hell that was.”

“He doesn’t yell. Not at me, at least.”

Finn sighed, “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but whatever it is, it’s real serious. I hope you know that.”

“We’re friends, Finn. Nothing more. He didn’t even take my clothes off or sleep in the same bed.”

Finn gave a little huff, “I suppose that’s fine, but I don’t know, Rey. It’s weird. He’s your professor.”

“I know that, Finn. Trust me, I’m perfectly aware.”

“I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you were just sleeping with him or whatever, that’s fine. But I feel like you guys are on a whole other level of something.”

“Yeah, we’re friends. Really good friends. As I said. He’s a good guy, Finn. You’d actually really like him.”

“Doubt it.” Finn snorted. “Why do you call him Ben?”

“Oh, um.” Rey shifted, “Uh, that’s his name. I mean, not his like,  _ name _ name. I think he legally changed it to Kylo Ren. But like his name is Ben. I don’t know, I just started calling him that. It was really kind of an occasional thing, at first, but it just stuck.”

“He lets you call him that?”

“Well, I don’t know if he lets me so much as I just do it, and he tolerates it. He doesn’t like when people call him that. I’m surprised he lets me to be honest. Even Leia calls him Kylo. But, yeah, I guess he lets me. I don’t know why.”

Finn hummed. “How are you getting home?”

Rey shifted, “Um, I think I should go to the library, Finn.”

“All your stuff is here, Rey.”

_ Shit.  _ “Then he’ll drive me.”

“ _ Ben _ will drive you?”

“Yes,  _ Ben _ will drive me. But you can’t call him that.”

“Alright. I’m not done with this, though. There will be more questions when you get home. I have a whole list prepared.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “Yay, can’t wait.”

Rey hung up and walked back into the living room, where Ben was sitting on a black leather couch with a bowl of salad in his hands. He turned to look back at her.

“I’m so glad your best friend hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you.” Rey plopped on the couch next to him. Every time she was think close to him, it never ceased to amaze her just how much bigger he was than her. 

“Oh, no, he told me he hates me.” Ben munched on his lettuce, unconcerned.

Rey looked to Ben, “He did?”

Ben nodded, mid bite. After he was done chewing and swallowing he said, “Yeah, he called your phone and I picked up to tell him I got you back safe, and he said he hates me and then something about me being a bad idea for you.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “He’s lying. If I get back in one piece, he can’t hate you. He can dislike you, but he can’t hate you.”

“Damn, and I was just getting ready to harvest you for organs.”

“Ha-ha.” Rey deadpanned.

Rey leaned her head back on his couch, closing her eyes, “I can’t believe I slept so long.”

Ben was quiet.

All of her assignments were due by Friday. That was five days to write two twenty pages papers, edit her story, and take two sit-in exams. 

Ben leaned forward and set his bowl on the coffee table. He sat back and looked at her, “Is this my fault?”

She turned her head to him, “Hm?”

“Is this all my fault? The fact that you didn’t sleep in four days. The fact that you just passed out for fifteen hours. Is it my fault?”

She shook her head, “Not completely. It’s a combination of it all, Ben. It’s not all on you. Although, the amount of work you expect did contribute. But in all reality, no matter what you had asked of us, the situation would have been similar. Not as severe, but similar.”

“Would you have slept?”

Rey closed her eyes, thinking about this time last semester. “I would have done two blocks of two days without sleep. And only slept eight hours.”

Ben shook his head, “I’m sorry, Rey.”

Rey smiled at him, “Hey, really, don’t worry about it. I doubt anyone else pulled three all-nighters in a row. I’m the only person dumb enough to try that.”

“I don’t care if the other students did that,” Ben looked at her, as if he was dumbfounded he even had to say this to her, “I mean, I do, but... not like I care that you did it.”

Rey couldn’t maintain eye contact with him after he said something like that. “Well...”

“If I gave you an extension on it, would it help?”

Rey turned to him sharply, “Um, no. I don’t get favors from you, that’s the deal, remember? No exceptions just because we’re...”

Ben nodded, “So I give everybody an extension, problem solved.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“I’m glad you think so, because I already did it.”

Rey gaped at him. “You have got to be kidding me.”

“You can check your e-mail if you don’t believe me.”

Rey shook her head at him, “I believe you, I just don’t want to.”

Ben looked regretful as he said, “I should have never put you under so much stress.”

Rey gasped, her eyes lit up with joy, “Oh, my god, you’re turning soft.”

His glare could have killed her, “I am not.”

Rey laughed, “Yes, you are! This is the best thing ever, oh my god. Kylo Ren has gone soft. Everybody is going to read that e-mail and know!”

Ben shook his head, “No, I’m still an ass, I will still grade so harshly. More harshly, now that everyone has more time.”

Rey smiled at him, poking him in the shoulder, “You’re soft.”

Ben couldn’t pretend to glare at her anymore. A small smile graced his face, and Rey almost passed out from the, well, softness of it, “Maybe I’m a little soft.”

Rey’s smile brightened, and she closed her eyes again. “Never thought I’d live to see the day.”

“Me neither.” He muttered.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got so busy watching videos of adam driver on youtube that i almost forgot to post this chapter lmao
> 
> PSA!!! classes start this week for me so with that, updates will slow. i also really want to take my time writing what happens next for ~reasons~ i will probably drop to updating probably twice a week ish? maybe more depending on how my profs are they might just like jump into it and assign me a shit ton of work (let's hope not) i'm really sorry i know yall were enjoying the daily updates but with school and actually writing it out and stuff, i just can't do that anymore. not enough time. sorry about that. i hope you guys don't hate me and never come back again :(
> 
> next update is planned for tuesday. sorry you will have to wait i feel terrible about it

With the extension Ben had given, Rey managed to get it all done. She even got to sleep, too. She had taken to studying and writing in Ben’s office, spread out on his couch so that he could “keep an eye on her” and make sure she didn’t overexert herself anymore. Even Finn agreed to this, the one time she’d managed to have a conversation with him since Sunday.

Rey sighed. She had fought with Finn, and it was never a fun feeling being isolated from the one person you considered true family.

_ She had to knock on her own front door, because apparently Finn had accidentally taken her keys. Or Ben had forgotten to grab them, as Finn claimed. _

_ He swung the door open, a scowl on his face, “Rey.” _

_ She shoved through the door, “I don’t need your bullshit overprotective act right now, Finn. I have work to do.” _

_ “No, you will sit down and talk to me first.” Finn said, arms crossed over his chest. Sometimes Rey forgot how intimidating Finn could be. Maybe it was the way he could pull a really good stern face. Maybe it was the way he’d known her the longest out of anyone in her life. Whatever it was, Rey found herself sitting down on the couch. _

_ “What the hell, Rey? What is going on between you and Kylo Ren? Professors don’t just take students back to their homes when they need sleep.” _

_ Rey shook her head, “Finn I have told you, he’s my  _ friend _. He cares about me. You scared him when you went to his office to get him.” _

_ “I  _ scared _ him?” _

_ Rey nodded, “He was worried about me.” _

_ Finn rolled his eyes, “I didn’t need him taking over like that-” _

_ “Then you shouldn’t have gotten him!” _

_ “I needed you to listen to someone! He’s scary as shit, I thought he’d put the fear of god into you.” _

_ “I don’t know why you’re so upset, it worked. You got me to sleep.” _

_ “I don’t need him to take care of you, that’s my job!” _

_ “Excuse me!” Rey said, standing from the couch, “I’m so sorry Finn, I didn’t realize you were my father. Oh, wait I don’t have one. I have been taking care of myself my whole life, Finn Storm, and I don’t  _ need you _ to do that for me.” _

_ Finn stood up, too, “Are you sure you don’t need me to, when you ran yourself around campus for four days with no sleep? When it took your boyfriend to come talk sense into you? He doesn’t get to sit there and tell me I had my chance to take care of you. He doesn’t get to come swoop in and act like I don’t know how to help my own sister!” _

_ Rey could feel hot tears streaming down her face. She was angry, and she was crying. She hated that it made her look weak, “Finn, you’re not my real family. You don’t get to act like you know what’s best for me, either. And he’s not my boyfriend. Neither one of you get to claim me as their burden. I will be my own burden, and don’t need you deciding you get to shoulder it with me. I decide that.” _

_ “So you pick him to shoulder it for you?” _

_ “I pick me, Finn! I went with him of my own accord! He didn’t kidnap me, he didn’t force me to go with him. I choose to.” _

_ “Because you love him?” _

_ “Yeah, because I love him!” She yelled, throwing her hands up in the air, “I let him take care of me because I wanted to delude myself for a little while. Are you happy now? Can you just lay off?” _

_ Hurt flashed across Finn’s face, and he walked to his room, softly closing the door behind him. Somehow, Rey would have preferred if he had slammed it. _

They hadn’t talked properly in the following week, and there was tension in the apartment. Rey wanted to bring it up, to tell Finn she was sorry and that she had been wrong. Finn was there to take care of her, she just wasn’t good at admitting when she needed help. But every time Rey opened her mouth, he suddenly found an excuse to be anywhere but around her.

She’d suffered in a stony silence, and she was tired of feeling like a stranger to him.

Poe had been no help in the matter. She had texted him, asking if he could ask Finn to talk to her, but all he’d said was that they needed to talk between themselves. Rey almost screamed at Poe that that’s what she was trying to do, but Finn wouldn’t talk to her. Instead, she just said thanks and moved on.

She didn’t tell any of this to Ben, but when her Spring Break plans changed from “road trip to see Kaydel” to “nothing”, she was pretty sure he caught on. He asked her if there was anything he could do, both of them knowing it was an empty offer. Rey just shook her head, “Nothing’s wrong.”

Rey heard her front door slam, and a knock came on her door. She almost ignored it until Rose said, “Rey, get out here.”

Rey rolled from her bed to open her door, “Yes, your highness?”

Rose’s mouth perked up, “That’s funny in your accent, but stop, I’m being stern.”

Rey mock saluted her, “What can I do you for?”

“We’re dealing with this.”

Rey didn’t even have to ask what “this” was. She nodded, eager to talk to her best friend again, “Where is he?”

“Living room.”

Rey followed the shorter girl to the living room, where Finn was sitting on one end of the couch. Rey took the other end and Rose sat in front of them, directly in the middle.

“I’m glad I’ve gotten you both to agree to talking,” Rose started.

Finn grunted. Everyone knew he was the hold-out.

“I’m here to make sure we keep everything fair and that everyone had a chance to say their piece. Finn’s offered to go first.”

Finn picked at a thread on a pillow and looked at the ground, “I’m just upset because you don’t think I can take care of you.”

Rey opened her mouth but Rose gave her a look. 

“It’s like you don’t trust me or something,” Finn continued, “I’ve been here for you for years, picking you up when you’re down and being there for you. Then all of a sudden Kylo Ren comes along, and he’s telling me I haven’t done my job and then you  _ leave _ with him. It’s like a slap in the face, Rey. He hasn’t been here for you. I have. I’m your-” He cut himself off, shaking his head.

Rey blinked, embarrassed to already feel tears there. “Is it my turn?”

Finn waved a hand for her to continue.

“Finn, I love you. That’s the first thing I want you to know, you  _ are  _ my brother. Always. Ben doesn’t top that, or even come close. He’s just a guy, and he’d not even into me. I’m sorry he told you that you don’t take good care of me, or whatever. He’s an ass. We all know that.”

Everyone let out a little laugh, and it felt better. Rey’s heart lifted, just a bit.

“He knows you’ve been there for me. I’ve told him how you take care of me. He was just scared, I think. He’s quick to be aggressive, when he’s scared or worried or... anything, really. I’m not saying it’s right, but you have to understand where he was coming from.”

Finn nodded. “I was scared, too.”

Rey smiled, “I know, Finn. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done this, to anyone. Even myself. I’m sorry that I said it’s not your job to take care of me. It is your job. Just like it’s mine to take care of you. That’s what being family is about. It’s just hard for me to remember that. To remember that I have someone to fall back on.”

Finn nodded again, and Rey could see his chin wobbling slightly. “I’m sorry I implied you couldn’t take care of yourself. I know you can. I just want you to know that you don’t have to.”

“I know, Finn. We both messed up.”

Finn looked over at her, unshed tears in his eyes, “I don’t like fighting with you.”

Rey laughed, “I don’t like it, either.”

Rose huffed, “I didn’t even get to use my mediation tactics.”

Finn and Rey laughed. They moved to hug each other, gripping each other tightly.

“I love you, peanut.”

“You know I love you, too, finnamon-roll.”

Finn kept his arm around Rey as they parted.

“Does this mean we can still go on our road trip?” Rose asked, excitement crossing her face.

“Well, I did request of work already, so I have nothing better to do.” Finn said, looking to Rey.

Rey smiled brightly, “I’m good. The only is, Rose and I still have Ben’s assignment, but we can work it around.”

Rose nodded, “Rey, did he change the assignment because of you?”

Rey blushed, “No, he’s just never seen the firsthand effects of his torture, I think. I don’t think he knew just how much work it was for us. It wasn’t just me.”

Finn and Rose gave each other doubtful looks.

Rey pushed Finn away, “We’re not going to get back on this.”

Finn held his hands up, “I didn’t say anything! There is one thing, though.”

“What?” Rey gave him a withering look.

“I want to talk to him. Alone.”

Rey didn’t think that was such a smart idea. She didn’t know who she trusted least to be on their best behavior. And if they were alone, she wasn’t sure the whole thing wouldn’t end in someone punching someone else. Her trepidation must have shown on her face.

Finn said, “I just mean I don’t want you there. Poe can come. Or Rose.”

Rose shook her head adamantly, “Rose doesn’t want to be there.”

Rey thought about it. She didn’t trust Poe to keep the peace, but she did trust Poe to not let his boyfriend get hurt. Finn would keep himself in line, too, if he knew Poe was there. Poe acted as a balm to Finn’s anger. She just didn’t know about Ben. Maybe he would keep it together for her sake.

“I can ask him,” she assented, pulling out her phone to text him.

**_Rey:_ ** _ i have a weird request... _

Ben’s answer was almost immediate.

**_Ben:_ ** _ Shoot. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ finn wants to talk to you, alone. poe will be there to make sure that nobody kills each other. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Did you two make-up? Should I be worried? _

**_Rey:_ ** _ yes, we did. and i honestly have no idea _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Lovely. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I’ll talk to him, if he wants. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ <3 thank you _

**_Ben:_ ** _ When and where? _

Rey arranged the meeting between the three of them, feeling like she was arranging a boxing match. She didn’t honestly think that either of them would get violent, but she did want to prevent yelling as much as possible, so she made sure that they met in a public place. Plus, then she could not so subtly spy on them.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey sat in the coffee shop across from the trio of men, Rose was across from her, trying to look like she didn’t exist.

“He’s not going to care,” Rey told her.

“He could ruin my whole career if he so chooses.” Rose was wearing a hat in an attempt to go undercover. Thankfully, Rey had been able to convince her to take off her sunglasses inside.

Before the boys had officially started the talk, Rey had warned each of them to play nice or else die by her sword. Or something to that effect.

Both Poe and Finn had said they’d play nice as long as he did. Rey had to add an extra warning to them: if they said anything or even hinted about the fact that Rey liked him in that way, she would slit their throats.

Ben was a different story.

_ “You have to be nice to my friends.” Rey said, standing in line with Ben to get coffee. They’d met up here a few minutes earlier than when everyone else would arrive. _

_ “Why? It’s so fun to be mean.” _

_ Rey glared at him, “I’m serious, Ben. Finn is my brother. Poe is going to be my brother-in-law one day. If you’re mean to them, it will hurt my feelings and I can’t be your friend anymore.” _

_ Ben studied her, “Not even secretly?” _

_ Rey huffed a laugh despite herself, “No, I’m not a fan of covert friendships. Too stressful.” _

_ “I promise you I’ll try, Rey. It’s not like I’m intentionally an ass to everyone.” _

_ “I mean, you don’t have to be like, a saint or anything. They know how you are. But I also don’t want you to like, tell them where to shove it, either.” _

_ Ben shook his head, a small smile on his face, “I’m not going to do that. Or anything similar. I’m just gonna talk to them and tell them whatever they want to hear.” _

_ “I mean, be honest with them.” _

_ Ben swallowed, “I’ll try.” _

_ They ordered their coffees and sat at a table across from each other. Ben’s legs were so long that when they sat at the small table, he had to sit away from the table, and even then his legs still bumped her occasionally. She felt her heart flutter with every brush of their legs. _

_ “What are they even going to be asking me?” _

_ “I don’t know, probably your social security number, how many people you’ve murdered, the usual.” _

_ Ben looked lost in thought for a moment, “I don’t think I can count that high, Rey.” _

_ “Just an estimate is fine, I think.” Rey smirked at him. _

_ They chatted for a while longer, Rey nervously glancing around the shop for her friends every couple of minutes. Eventually, Ben looked over her shoulder and nodded, “There they are, you anxious little mouse.” _

Rey was unable to make out anything they said, but she carefully watched Ben’s face for any kind of hint of the conversation. Or maybe she just took the opportunity to watch Ben’s face. He didn’t look angry or passive. In fact, to her surprise, he looked open and honest. He was talking with his hands, something he rarely did. She’d only see him that way when he was really passionate about something. He even almost smiled once.

Finn and Poe were nodding, listening to him and asking him things every now and then. Poe’s arm was slung on the back of Finn’s chair, and Finn was leaning forward, watching Ben almost intently as Rey was.

“You’re staring,” Rose informed her.

Rey looked at her, blushing, “I know.”

Rose looked at Ben and back to her, “You really think he’s attractive?”

“You don’t?”

Rose considered, “I mean, he’s definitely got some things going for him. But, I don’t know, I guess he just isn’t my type. I like softer people. Less angry.”

Rey looked at him, “He can be soft.”

Rose nodded, “I know, I’ve seen him with you.”

Rey blushed. Rose was sweet, but she didn’t know how those kinds of words gave Rey false hope. She wished her friends wouldn’t act like Ben and Rey were about to get married or something.

Rey turned away from Rose and the men across the coffee shop. People passed by, dressing in increasingly less as the weather began to warm. Rey herself was only wearing a light jacket. She was glad it would be warm soon, but she also dreaded the passage of time. The semester was going to pass by before she knew it and with every minute, she was less and less sure of what the future held for. She’d thought extensively about Rose’s advice on grad school and, while she hated to admit it, she knew deep down that Rose was right. Grad school wasn’t her calling. It frightened her even more to not have a solid plan lined up.

“Rose, what are you doing after graduation?”

Rose blinked, clearly not expecting the question, “Well, I’m going to apply for all the open content writing jobs in America, and then once I have a steady paycheck, I’ll find out what to do after.”

Rey nodded. It wasn’t like there was absolutely nothing she could apply to do. She had options. She just didn’t feel a strong pull to anything in particular. At least, nothing that Rey could make a living off of.

“What do you want to do? Eventually?”

“I want to be an editor.”

This didn’t surprise Rey. Rose was always correcting Rey’s essays before Ben officially took a look at them. Just to make sure no embarrassing mistakes slipped through. Once, Rose had caught a line which Rey had jokingly written about Ben when she was feeling extra lonely. Rey had profusely thanked her and paid for her coffee for a week.

“I still don’t know what I’m going to do,” Rey whispered, “You’re right, though. Grad school isn’t for me.”

Rose smiled at her, “I’m glad you were able to recognize that for yourself. I know it’s tough when you’ve been counting on something, to change mindsets.”

Rey nodded, “Maybe Poe and Finn will get married and let me live in their spare bedroom forever.”

At this, Poe said from behind Rey (who jumped), “Of course you can live in our spare bedroom forever, but you’ll have to pay rent.”

Rey looked over her shoulder at him, “I can’t pay, but I’ll walk BB every day.”

“I already walk him every day,” Poe said, “Not a fair trade.”

Finn piped up, “Why are you hypothetically living with us forever?”

“You know, for when I have no job.”

Finn laughed, “Okay, Rey. If you don’t get a job within a year of graduating, I’ll let you live with us rent-free forever. But if you do, you owe me half of your first years salary.”

“No fucking way,” Rey said.

Finn smiled, “See, there. You know you’re getting a job. Cause you know that would be a sucky deal for you.”

Rey rolled her eyes at his logic. “Where’s Ben? Did you kill him?” She looked around the coffee shop, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Poe smiled and Finn rolled his eyes. “Relax, we didn’t kill your boy toy. He’s outside. I think he wants to talk to you.” He nodded and Rey looked out the window. Sure enough, there he was, leaning against the window casually, watching everyone who exited for Rey.

“I’ll be right back.” Rey said, leaving her friends.

Ben waved his hands at himself upon seeing her, “I survived.”

Rey laughed, “Yes, I can see that. And so did Finn and Poe.”

“I told you I can play nice.”

Rey stopped in front of him, looking up at him. She had to squint a little cause it was bright out, “Thank you.”

Ben shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“What did they ask you?”

“That’s between us.” He smirked, “Bro code, I think it’s called.”

Rey punched him on the arm, “You suck, just tell me. It can’t be that bad.”

Ben looked away, towards the sidewalk of people hustling by them. “I don’t want to tell you, Rey.”

“Oh.” She said, deflating a bit, “Okay, yeah.”

His eyes met hers again, “I’m sorry.”

Rey shook her head, “It’s fine.”

She didn’t know why she didn’t like her friends keeping secrets from her, but it felt like they were all ganging up on her. She didn’t like it, not one bit.

“You don’t have to tell me, I mean it’s not like I’m... you’re free to have your own secrets from me. In fact, I have secrets from you, too, so. Yeah.”

Ben’s mouth twitched in a way that told her he found her amusing, “I’m dying to know what they are.”

“Well, you don’t get to know.”

“Have you slept with another grad student of mine?”

“I hate you.” Rey said, turning away from him.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist to stop her from going, “Okay, fine, that was low, I’m sorry. I am curious about your secrets, but you’re allowed to have them.”

Rey nodded, aware of his hand encircling her wrist. His hands were so big enough that he could not only touch but overlap his fingers around her wrist. That shouldn’t be such a sexy thought, but damn did Rey like that.  _ Maybe I have a size kink,  _ she thought

Neither one of them said anything for a while, and then Ben seemed to remember his hand was holding her, and he let go.

“So, you’re back on for the road trip?”

Rey nodded, smiling, “Yeah, we are.”

His eyes darted over her face, “Be safe.”

“I will,” Rey promised him.

“You can call me. Any time. For whatever, like you don’t even have to need anything, you can just... call.”

Rey smiled widely at him, “I will be.”

He looked a bit pleased at this. “Okay, well. Have fun and don’t do anything stupid. I want you back in one piece, okay?”

Her stomach flipped, and she couldn’t look at him without blushing. “It’s not that long. It’s only a week.”

He shoved off the glass he was leaning against, “Well, even a day is too long without water.” With that, he was striding down the street away from her, leaving her dumbfounded and replaying his words over and over, trying to parse them in any way that made sense.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day of classes done and i'm already ready to drop out. i'm busy as fuck so i'm uploading this real quick before i start my shit ton of homework (thanks to the prof who assigned 80 pgs of reading due in two days for a book he told us to get yesterday) fuck me yall who let me be an english major what am i thinking there's so much reading wth
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited, as per usual
> 
> follow me you know where
> 
> next update sometime this weekend if i can manage! (don't want to promise sat but most likely sat)

Rey didn’t know how long you had to be driving in a car for it to be considered a road trip, and maybe five hours wasn’t so much a road trip as a means of travelling, but it was fun nonetheless. Rey missed driving, so she drove most the way. She hardly ever got to drive, and she’d only ever been allowed to drive Poe’s car once. Poe, who sat in the front seat next to her, kept telling her to slow down or let someone pass or go easy on the turns. Rey had tuned him out about fifteen miles into the drive.

Rose and Finn, on the other hand, were having a grand time in the backseat. Rey could hear them chatting about anything and everything. They started with fan theories about a new movie they wanted to see and then quickly moved on to planning their own movie and trying to get Rey and Poe to star in and produce their hypothetical film. Poe promised to produce it if he got to seem like a badass in the movie. Finn and Rose took this to be consent for everyone they had ever known to be in the film. Soon enough, they had cast and plotted an entire movie they would never make.

Rey was happy. She had her friends around her, people she would die for. They were her family. She didn’t think she’d ever find a place where she belonged, be right there in Poe’s beat-up SUV, she felt belonging.  _ If only, _ Rey thought,  _ I could get rid of the nagging thought of Ben. _

They had left early Saturday morning to go to Crait, the city where Kaydel was working. It was a long drive, and they wanted to try and get it all done in one day with time to see their friend after.

Rey had texted Ben in the morning, as he’d made her promise to do, and let him know she was departing.

Three hours later, and she received a response. Her phone was mounted on the dashboard, serving as a GPS. When Ben’s message tone sounded, everyone turned to look at (and read) Rey’s phone.

Poe read it out loud, as if everybody hadn’t already seen it, “‘If you care about me at all, you’ll call Leia and tell her to lay off about the girl from the conference.’ There’s a girl from a conference?”

Rey groaned, sinking in her seat slightly, her hands gripping the steering wheel tighter. “Yes.”

Finn leaned forward, “Why is Leia trying to set him up?”

Rey was quiet for a minute, “I don’t know. I guess she wants Ben to get a girlfriend.”

“Do you want me to reply to him?” Poe asked, gesturing to Rey’s phone.

Rey thought for a minute, “Yeah, tell him to man up and tell his mother himself.”

Poe nodded, grabbing her phone and typing that out. “Anything else?”

Rey shook her head, “That’s good, thanks.”

“Oh, he responded. Damn, does he always have his phone on him?” Poe asked.

Rey laughed, “No, he’s actually very bad about keeping track of it. I have to find it for him in his office at least ten times a week.”

Finn sat back in his seat, turning to whisper to Rose.

“What did he say, Poe?”

Poe cleared his throat, lowering his voice in a poor imitation of Ben, “‘True men are afraid of their mothers, Rey. Will you call her for me or not?’”

“Call him and put him on speaker.”

Poe obliged and Finn and Rose grinned at each other in the backseat. Rey glared at them through the rear view mirror.

Ben picked up quickly, “Rey, I think you have the wrong number, I meant call my mom, not me.”

“Very funny, sir. You’re on speakerphone, by the way. Everybody say hi.”

A chorus of her friends muttering greetings to Ben sounded.

He was quiet for a minute, “Why am I on speakerphone?”

“I’m driving, do you want me to crash and die?”

“If it would mean I’m not on speakerphone...” He muttered.

“Hey!” Rey said, “That’s rude.”

“More or less rude than you putting me on speaker to discuss all of my personal issues, presumably in front of Miss Tico, who is my student and does not need to hear any of this.”

Rey huffed a laugh, “ _ I’m _ your student, smarty-pants.”

“Not the same.” He said, sighing.

“For the record, professor,” Rose said, “I literally don’t have the brain capacity to care about your mom trying to set you up.”

“Rey, why don’t I just let you get up and lecture the entire class about all my issues?”

Rey pretended to gasp, “Would you really let me?”

Ben’s laugh was barely there.

“Seriously, Ben, the entire car will know about it anyway cause Poe is texting for me, too.”

Ben’s voice was muffled and Rey could picture him holding the phone away and cursing her and her friends. His voice came through clearly again as he said, “Fine.”

Rey smiled, “Yay! Okay, so Ben, you need to tell Leia that you don’t want to go out with this girl yourself.”

“Rey, she won’t listen to me.”

“And she’ll listen to me? I’m just her old student.”

“She loves you! She’s literally told me that she would adopt you in a heartbeat.”

Rey’s heart swelled with something that felt a lot like love, “As honored as I am, I think maybe she would appreciate hearing it from her actual son.”

He let out a sarcastic laugh, “Well, you’ve never been on the receiving end of her matchmaking.”

“What would be so bad about going out for one date with this woman just to get your mom off your back?” Rey said, fed up with him.

“It would give her hope.” He said flatly.

“What’s wrong with hope?”

“Rey, I’m not going to date this woman, I’m not interested in her. My mother knows this, and she knows why, too. She’s just toying with me to try to get me to do what she actually wants.”

Rey was confused by all of Ben’s words, but she still said, “So do what your mom actually wants?”

“That’s even worse,” he sounded personally affronted.

Rey lowered her voice, as if afraid someone would overhear, “Does Leia want you to join a cult and marry the leader’s daughter?”

Ben laughed, “I wish. Maybe that would be easier.” Rey could picture him running a hand through his hair. It was a nice picture.

“Seriously, you’re going to have to do one of the two things, just pick the least painful one.”

He groaned, and Rey almost shivered at the sound. It conjured up all kinds of other sounds he could make in her mind. Finn punched her in the shoulder, as if he could read her thoughts.

“You’re a big boy, Ben, I’m sure you can handle it.”

“I hate you and my mother.”

“That’s not true and one day, when I’m dead and you never got the chance to say you’re sorry for that, you’ll regret it.”

“I doubt it.”

Rey giggled, “Ask the girl out. Or do the other thing. Whatever you do, just do it soon or else Leia’s going to have your ass.”

~*~~*~~*~

Spring break was a whirlwind. It had been filled with drinking and day trips and Kaydel mourning the official loss of her adolescence. She was an adult now. She had a job and paid her taxes and everything. Rey tried not to look at Kaydel’s situation with fear, but hope. Doubt constantly clawed at her, about everything. Life, university, jobs, grad school, friends, and Ben. Her mind was running a constant marathon of worried thoughts and what-ifs. 

Her friends helped pull her out of it now and then, but it always seemed like she fell back into the same loop, no matter what. Rey felt stuck and it was a scary feeling.

She managed to finish Ben’s midterm story and thought it might even be half-way decent. She’d edited it thoroughly, keeping in mind his notes for her throughout the semester and doing what she could to make the story up to his standards. Rey just hoped she got a 70. Even that would please her.

She’d talked to him on the phone twice, each time Kaydel had made her blush and Rey would have to leave to go in a different room. It wasn’t like they said anything that her friends couldn’t hear, but it felt like her friends thought it was. 

Although, Rey was glad they weren’t around when she had finally worked up the courage to mutter, “I miss you.”

It had been rushed and jumbled, and she really didn’t want him to hear it, secretly. She knew he had, though.

He let out a sigh, but it was almost happy, as if he had been waiting for her to say that so that he could say back, “I miss you, too, Rey.”

Her face, she knew, was as red as a tomato, and she had to wait a few minutes before joining her friends again to calm down.

Kaydel teased her relentlessly for “hooking up with a professor”. Rey was quick to deny it, but she could tell Kay didn’t quite believe her so eventually she just let the girl believe what she wanted.

On the drive back, Rey sat in the passenger seat with her feet up on the dash. The windows were down and the wind was blowing through her hair. She felt like a dog, but she felt free. She listened to the sounds of her friends chatting and the low music on the radio. Life didn’t seem so stressful when it was like this. For a second she could forget about everything that troubled her and just be at peace for a while.

She didn’t realize she’d fallen asleep until she saw Ben.

_ He was sitting in his office chair and Rey was on his couch, the new normal for them after midterms. He was reading a book and Rey was just watching him. She knew that Ben could feel her eyes on him, but for once she didn’t care. She wasn’t ashamed. She would take all the time in the world looking at him, if she wanted. And boy, did she want to. _

_ His long sharp nose was slightly crinkled as he read a passage Rey knew he was mentally critiquing. His eyes flew over the page and it never ceased to amaze her how fast he could read. The hundreds of books he owned didn’t seem so daunting for someone who could read like Ben did. She focused on his eyes. She liked when they were soft, and she was able to read them. He wavered between a stone slab and an open book and Rey didn’t really mind. When she couldn’t read him it was fun to guess what could possibly be on his brilliant mind. _

_ “Ben?” She asked, hesitating to interrupt him. _

_ He looked up at her, not even bothering to finish reading the phrase he was on. Or perhaps she had timed it perfectly, and he’d just finished a sentence. _

_ “I love you.” _

_ His eyes flickered in surprise. He put his bookmark in the book and set it behind him on the desk. _

_ Before she had time to process, he was kneeling in front of her, giving her a gentle kiss on her forehead, “I love you, too.” _

_ She closed her eyes, treasuring the feeling of him. He cradled her hands in his. She felt small and delicate. Precious. _

_ “I really wish you did,” she looked at him again, “but I can settle for being friends. If you’re happy, that’s all I need.” _

_ Ben shook his head, not understanding her, “What are you saying? Of course I love you.” _

_ Rey nodded, “Maybe. I just don’t think it’s in the way that I love you.” _

Rey was jolted awake when Poe parked the car.

“Ah, good morning, sleepyhead. Your boyfriend’s been texting you.” Poe informed her, unbuckling his seat belt.

“Where are we?” She murmured, but it came out more like  _ Warwee? _

“Just outside the city. I needed gas and it’s cheaper out here.” Poe jumped out and shut the door, turning to the gas pump.

Rey rubbed her eyes and turned to look at Rose, who was asleep on Finn’s shoulder. Finn, also asleep, rest his head on hers. Rey took a quick picture of her friends and smiled, turning back around and checking her notifications. She did, in fact, have text messages from Ben. ( _ Who, _ she thought angrily,  _ is not my boyfriend, Poe. _ )

**_Ben:_ ** _ You get back today, right? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I know you’ll probably be tired after the trip, but I was wondering if you’d want to come over? _

Ten minutes later he’d said:

**_Ben:_ ** _ I have a bunch of grading I need to catch up on and I thought it would be nice to have some company so I don’t rip my hair out. You totally don’t have to, though. I’ll probably be pretty boring. _

**_Ben:_ ** _ You could watch a movie, though. _

That was the last text he’d sent her. She smiled at her phone. He wanted to see her. Rey admired that he’d only texted four times. She knew it was hard for him to be social with people, and he must have been nervous when she didn’t respond.

**_Rey:_ ** _ i just woke up from a car nap, which is completely different from a regular nap because it alters your sense of reality falling asleep one place and waking in another. poe says we’re just outside the city. i have to go home and shower or else i’ll smell. you can pick me up after that? _

Ben’s response was faster than hers by a long shot.

**_Ben:_ ** _ I mean the offer was for you to come over not for me to come pick you up, but if you insist... _

**_Rey:_ ** _ you see, i KNEW there was a reason you’re my favorite professor _

**_Ben:_ ** _ I am? _

**_Rey:_ ** _..... are you for real rn? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Well, I don’t know how many professors you are close personal friends with. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ are you saying we’re close personal friends, professor? _

Ben typed for a long time and eventually Rey got a response.

**_Ben:_ ** _ By conventional standards, I think you would technically be considered my best friend _

Rey’s heart thundered in her chest. His best friend. She knew he didn’t have many friends, if any at all, but she didn’t know that he considered her to be that high of importance.

**_Rey:_ ** _ best friend. one might even say your favorite person. am i your emergency contact? did you leave all of your things to me in your will? _

**_Ben:_ ** _ Don’t let this get to your head. I could easily replace you. _

**_Rey:_ ** _ you wouldn’t dare _

**_Rey:_ ** _ fine! i’m sorry. i take my position as your best friend very seriously. i’m honored _

**_Rey:_ ** _ (you’re my best friend, too, btw) _

**_Ben:_ ** _ What about Finn? _

**_Rey:_ ** _ finn’s family _

Ben and Rey chatted for a while, almost up until Rey arrived at her apartment. Butterflies fluttered in her stomach, knowing he was coming to pick her up soon. It felt like they hadn’t seen each other in a month, not just a week.

Rey had never showered so fast in her life. She was in and out and dressed within the time it took Ben to get from his place to hers.

He rolled up to the curb, passenger window down. He leaned over, “Need a ride?”

Rey laughed, “Depends on where you’re going.” She slipped into his car, and he rolled the window back up.

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey didn’t have the energy to do anything but lay on Ben’s couch and watch a movie (and stare at Ben while he was grading). She hardly paid attention to anything that happened in the movie, and she was pretty sure that if someone held a gun to her head, she couldn’t even name one of the characters.

Her feet rested so close to him that she could feel the heat of his thigh. She wondered what he would do if she dug her feet between the couch and him for warmth. Probably file for a restraining order.

“Everyone is so stupid,” Ben muttered, shaking his head and crossing something out on someone’s paper.

“That had better not be mine.”

“I wouldn’t have any respect for you left if it were.” He said absentmindedly, making another mark on the page.

“Aw, you respect me.”

Ben looked at her, blinking, “Yeah? Does that shock you?”

Rey suppressed a smile, “No, not at all.”

Ben looked at her strangely for a minute before returning to grading. Rey turned back to the movie she wasn’t pay attention to.

“Hey, I never asked you,” Rey said, sitting up suddenly, “did you ever ask out that one girl?”

Ben’s hand froze mid-stroke and his shoulders stiffened, “Unfortunately.”

“And?” Rey pressed, hoping for the worst.

“And I don’t want to talk about it.”

Rey’s voice held a note of disappointment that she hoped Ben didn’t pick up on, “Oh, okay.”

“I mean, you don’t talk about Hux, so...” He shrugged.

“That’s because Hux was not the same.”

“Isn’t it?” He asked, looking at her.

“You mean did my imaginary mother tell me to ask Hux out? No.”

“Then what was it?”

Rey blushed, “It’s not the same and that’s all that matters.”

Ben turned back to his papers, “Okay then.”

“Okay then.” Rey sat there. 

Neither one of them moved.

“I have told you about Hux,” Rey said, “I told you what a mistake he was. And why do you keep bringing him up? It’s over.”

“But you never told me why him.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because-” Ben sounded as if he was about to burst, but then he took a deep breath, “he’s my grad student, it’s weird.”

Rey was suddenly irritated with him, and she didn’t know why, “It’s weird that two of your students fucked each other? Boy, have I got news for you, then.”

“That’s not what’s weird, Rey. It’s weird that it’s him and... you.”

“Well, I’m sorry you’re uncomfortable that I’m an adult who had sex with someone, Ben.” She said, sarcasm dripping from her voice.

His face was red. Rey couldn’t tell if it was anger or the subject matter, “That’s not why I’m uncomfortable with it,  _ Rey. _ ”

“Then why?” She said, dangerously low.

He looked at her and there was fire in his eyes. The brown had turned molten and Rey felt her stomach churn in a delightful way. This should not be turning her on.

“I don’t like that it was him. I don’t like that someone like him got to...” he shook his head.

“Do you want to know why? The real reason I was with him?” Her face flushed as she even thought about telling him.

He nodded, a bit regretfully, “Yeah, I do.”

“You can’t look at me when I say this.”

She didn’t need to explain why. Ben turned his gaze to the papers on his lap.

Rey’s voice came out in a whisper as she said, “Finn told me he was tired of hearing me... get off at night. I was...” Rey took a deep breath, “I couldn’t stop thinking about someone. So I made a tinder and matched with some people so I could get my mind off him. Hux was the only one that seem viable or actually wanted to meet up. And then we fucked and it was bad, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the other guy the entire time and even that couldn’t get me off. And then I sent him home. That’s why.”

Both were quiet for a long period of time. The ending credits of the movie were playing.

“I went out with the girl. Her name is Natalie. She was alright, I guess, but I couldn’t stop comparing her, either. Everything she did it felt off, because it wasn’t the same as when I’m with- with her. Natalie wanted to sleep together but I just couldn’t do it. I told her that’s not something I do on the first date, and she practically swooned. I guess that’s not normally a thing guys say. She kept asking me for another date and I didn’t know how to say no, so we’re going out again next Saturday.”

Again, the quiet stillness. The movie had returned to its main menu and was playing the same clips of the movie over and over.

“Wow,” Rey breathed, “we both suck.”

Ben laughed, and suddenly the tension was eased. “We really do.”

“I am sorry that you got roped into another date.”

He shrugged, “I’ll live through it.”

Rey leaned her head on the couch cushion beside her, “Are you going to keep dating this girl until you get accidentally married to her or will you ever tell her you’re not interested?”

“Maybe if I never have sex with her, she’ll think I’m gay and break it off with me.”

Rey laughed, “Oh, you poor thing. You really think you could pass for a gay man? In any world? No, she’s going to assume you’re asexual before she ever considers you gay.”

“I could be gay,” he huffed.

Rey shook her head, “Nope.”

He glared at her, “That’s heterophobic.” 

His lips quirked up and Rey glared at him, “Not funny, there are people who think that’s a thing.”

He chuckled, “Okay, you’re right. I couldn’t pass for gay. So what do I tell her?”

Rey considered, “You could slowly convince her you’re a serial killer.  _ That _ you could pass for.”

Ben threw a pen at her, and it hit her on the nose. She rubbed at the injured area, pouting, “Meanie.”

“Give me that back, I need it.” He held out his hand.

“Don’t throw your writing utensils at me!”

“Don’t be a brat and I won’t.”

“You are so evil. Literally, you don’t even have to break-up with this girl, just talk to her for longer than five minutes.” Rey handed his pen back to him.

“I already tried that.”

Rey shrugged, “Maybe she’s a masochist. Do you have a picture of her?” 

For scientific reasons, Rey told herself. Not for any other reason.

Ben shook his head, “No, why would I?”

“Didn’t your mom send you a picture of her beforehand?”

“Oh, yeah, she did.” Ben pulled out his phone, navigating to the picture his mother sent him, turning it for Rey to see.

Rey blinked. And blinked again. She was fucking gorgeous. She had the look of a supermodel. If Rey passed this woman on the street, she would cry because she was so beautiful. Her eyes were captivating. The photo was her mid laugh, with her head thrown back. Her teeth were perfect. Her lips and her cheekbones and her nose and her forehead were all unfairly perfect.

Rey looked back up at Ben slowly. “Are you insane?”

Ben frowned, looking at his phone, “What?”

“That’s the woman you went on a date with? And didn’t want to have sex with? Everyone would want to have sex with her, Ben, she’s insanely hot.”

He shrugged, “She’s pretty.”

Rey groaned, “Why are you like this? She’s literally so fucking gorgeous and all you say is she’s pretty? It’s like you don’t have eyes. She’s so beautiful. I want her to have my children.”

Ben laughed lightly, “She’s pretty, Rey. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just not someone who is attracted to a lot of people, it’s like... only a few. Less than a few.”

“You’re really hung up on that other girl, aren’t you?”

He frowned, which she took to mean as a yes.

“You should do something about it.” Rey said earnestly. She hated the thought of him having such strong feelings for anyone, but she could see how much this girl meant to him.

“I keep thinking that I will, but I can’t seem to find the words.”

Rey swallowed, a strain in her chest, “It’s not hard. Just... just tell her and be honest. That’s all you can do.”

“It’s a lot more complicated than that.”

“In what way?”

He drummed his fingers on his leg and Rey could see him thinking. She let him piece it together, hoping that whatever he said wasn’t something horrible like  _ she’s my lost-long twin sister _ or something.

“If I do this, if I tell her, it’s like... it’s like confirming the worst in me. It’s selfish and reckless. She needs better than me, she needs someone good, like her. Not someone who has done the things I’ve done. You can’t ever come back from that, and I can’t let her be with someone like that. Someone like me.”

Rey sighed, “Well, it’s a good thing you’re not  _ letting _ her do anything, because she’s her own person and can make her own choices. You don’t get to tell her what she needs, Ben. She decides that. If she decides that it’s you, then that’s her decision.”

Rey moved closer to him and rest her hand on his shoulder, “But despite all that, I wish you would realize you’re not what you think you are. You’re good. Good people can do bad things and still be good. There’s never a time when you can’t choose goodness. People come back from horrible things, Ben. You need to forgive yourself, for whatever crimes you think you’ve committed, because nobody else is holding you against them. You have to get rid of that voice in your head that whispers to you. It’s not true, Ben. I see who you are. And I see a good man. You just have to trust that she can see that, too.”

Ben caught her hand as she moved away, “I don’t deserve you, Rey.”

Rey laughed, “Oh, trust me, you deserve every bit of torture I bring you, pal.”

For some reason, after Rey put in the next movie she came back and sat by Ben, resting her head on his shoulder. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world. She hadn’t even thought twice about it. And later, when Ben was done grading (mentally, not actually), he rest his head on top of hers, and they both fell asleep like that.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh i'm so glad i'm not hungover but i do feel very tired so i'm gonna take a nap after i post this. um i don't have much to say except fuck college and i'm having a hard time piecing together the next chapters because i know what happens but it's all too hard to try and figure out when and where and wow why is writing so hard :/
> 
> unbetad and unedited
> 
> follow me and please talk to me because i'm lonely (literally please like i want to talk to people)
> 
> uploads will be as follows: probably wednesday, after that probably sunday (depending on how well this works for me, this might become the regular upload schedule)

“Rey,” she heard her name whispered by her favorite voice, “Rey, get up.”

She blinked, turning her head to snuggle deeper into her pillow- except it wasn’t her pillow. It was Ben’s shoulder. She froze with horror.

His hand was on her knee, shaking her gently, “You gotta get up, sweetheart, if we sleep like this, we’ll both be sore.” His voice was sleepy and soft.

“What time is it?” She said, her hand coming up to rub at her eyes.

“A little after one in the morning.”

“‘M tired,” she said, still not moving. She was comfortable, perhaps the most comfortable she’d ever been in her entire life. There was no way she was moving of her own accord. She was so tired she couldn’t even muster up the embarrassment she knew she should feel for falling asleep on Ben’s shoulder.

Rey felt herself being shifted, and then he was picking her up in a bridal carry, “If you’re going to be difficult about this.” He huffed. “Not like I’m tired, too or anything.” He grumbled.

“Ben, stop.” She giggled, “You can’t pick me up.”

“I feel like I can,” he said, “as I already did and have before.”

Rey felt herself being carried down the fall to his bedroom. She may or may not have drifted back to sleep during the short walk down the hall.

She felt herself being set gently on the bed and covered with his comforter. As he pulled away, she grabbed his arm, “No.”

He stilled, “What?”

“Stay,” she said, half out of her mind with fatigue, “I’m lonely.”

He was still very motionless as he said, “Rey, you know I can’t do that.”

She nodded into the pillow, “You can, Ben, please.”

“In the morning you’ll-”

“I’ll be mortified, yeah, whatever.” She muttered, tugging on his arm slightly, “But you’re warm and you smell good and I’m lonely, Ben.”

He sighed, but started to scoot her over so he could lay down beside her, “This is bad.”

“You always say that.”

“Because we’re always doing bad things.”

“Does it feel bad? Or do you think it’s bad just because of who we are to each other?” Rey muttered, not so accidentally curling herself into his side.

“No, Rey, it never feels bad. It just is bad.”

“If it doesn’t feel bad, then what makes it so wrong?”

His arm came to rest around her shoulders, pulling her even closer to him, “The fact that it doesn’t feel bad.”

She didn’t know what he was talking about, and she was too tired to try to figure it out. “Just sleep, Ben.”

Rey was almost fully asleep again when she felt Ben’s head turn to her and lightly press his lips to her hairline. Rey sighed contentedly and pulled herself closer to Ben’s warm body.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey wasn’t as mortified as she thought she’d be. She was, of course, mortified, but not as much as she expected.

She had never been more comfortable in her life. She was perfectly cradled. Everything was warm, and she’d slept like a baby. Yes, Rey was feeling really good until she’d opened her eyes and remembered with horror (and a flash of excitement) where she was.

Ben was still asleep, and Rey almost wanted to take the chance to observe how peaceful his face was like this. He was completely relaxed. His lips pouted out just a bit more when he was asleep, and he looked perfectly kissable. Too bad Rey was not allowed to kiss him. Nor was she allowed to be in his arms like this, but that was a different matter. A matter that her sleep-addled brain hadn’t considered for a second as she begged him to sleep beside her.

Rey closed her eyes, just for a second, to enjoy this. She was tangled up in him, in more ways than one. Her legs were intertwined with his and his arms were holding her tightly to his chest. His breath blew strands of her hair and tickled her slightly. 

Rey didn’t know how to get out of this without any awkwardness. Moving in any way would wake him. If she just laid here, he was bound to wake-up eventually. That wouldn’t exactly solve her issue of avoiding the impending awkwardness of waking up in her professors arms.

Rey buried her face further into Ben’s chest, trying to figure out what to do. Stupid. She was so stupid, this was so stupid, god how could she have been so stupid? She had  _ begged _ him to stay, to hold her. She told him he  _ smelled good _ .

Rey was on the verge of a panic attack when she felt Ben’s heartbeat pick up speed. Fuck.

Rey closed her eyes, trying to even out her breathing. Maybe she could pretend to be asleep.

She felt his breath hitch and suddenly it was no longer fanning across her head.

“Fuck.” He breathed.

Rey seconded that.

Could Rey really pretend to be asleep as he extracted his arms from around her? No. It was impossible. She would have to wake up and face the metaphorical music.

Before Rey could lift her head, Ben buried his face in her hair, breathing deeply. Rey couldn’t hide her shiver, not when she was in his arms.

“Damn it.” His voice was so soft. She wanted to wrap up in it like a blanket.

She’d thought his voice was made of sex, but she realized now that it was sex and love and softness and family and everything Rey craved in the world.

“Rey?” He murmured.

Rey didn’t move.

“I know you’re awake.” He whispered.

“No, I’m not.”

His laugh was soft and Rey could feel every part of it through her body.

“Are you sure?”

“Mhm. Remember how I talk in my sleep?”

“Strange how you are suddenly able to enunciate in your sleep, too. Have you been practicing?”

Rey looked up at him, “What do you mean?”

“There she is.” He smiled down at her gently.

“Stop.” Rey’s face fell back down to his chest. “This is the worst.”

“Maybe not the worst,” He said, “but it’s up there. I think the worst would be... well, maybe this is the worst.”

“What do we do?”

Ben didn’t answer.

Rey leaned back slightly, “I’m so sorry. This is completely my fault and I’m so sorry.”

“Not completely. Don’t feel guilty. I did get in beside you. I did... participate.”

Rey groaned, and Ben’s eyes closed shut tightly.

“How bad is this? Like on a scale from one to ten?”

He sighed, “Well, to be fair, there was no...” he trailed off, “We didn’t do anything too bad. But it’s pretty bad. I would say eight, maybe.”

Rey laughed, “Fuck.”

“That’s eighty percent, which is a B, so in some ways, we’re doing pretty well.”

“Pretty well on levels of inappropriateness with your professor? An A would be, what, like marrying you?” Rey meant for it to be a joke, but the way Ben looked away uncomfortably made her heart sink in her chest. Her chest, which was still pressed against his. Could he feel her heartbeat? Rey knew the answer, because of course he could. She could feel his, too.

“It doesn’t have to be weird.” Rey said, trying to move on from her poor joke, “I sleep in the same bed as Finn all the time.” She purposefully neglected the part where Finn never held her like this.

“Oh? And when has Finn also been your professor who is nearly ten years older than you?”

She rolled her eyes at him, “Seven years is not nearly ten. It’s closer to five than it is to ten.”

“That’s not the point, Rey.” His arm finally dropped from around her shoulders, and she scooted away from him on the bed, sitting up.

“I just mean that... this doesn’t have to be weird for us. Not... everything else, but us. As friends. We messed up a little and it’ll never happen again, so that’s that.”

Ben shook his head, running a hand through his rumpled bedhead. “Rey, I’m not sure it’s so smart to be friends anymore. Clearly neither one of us is having an easy time understanding the appropriate boundaries.”

Rey’s heart cracked a little at hearing his words, “What are you saying?” She knew perfectly well what he was saying.

“I’m saying I should take you home.” He said, standing from the bed.

Rey watched him walk to his en suite bathroom, “Are you friend-breaking-up with me?” Her voice was small.

Ben stopped just in the doorway of his bathroom, he didn’t turn around to face her as he said, “Don’t think of it like that. Think of it like... putting things back the way they should have always been.”

“Ben-” Rey said, hurt evident in her voice.

“Don’t call me that anymore. Not after today, at least.” He closed the door to the bathroom, leaving her alone in his bed.

She scrambled from his bed, not wanting to be near him a second longer. Not after he’d just ended their friendship. She rushed out of his house, barely stopping to grab her jacket. Rey made her way quickly down a few streets, not having any clue how to walk home. She’d always gotten to Ben’s house by driving. And she never thought to pay attention to the turns and streets. 

Finn picked up on the third ring, “Hello?” his voice was gruff, and he’d clearly just woken up.

“Finn, are you with Poe?” Rey asked, trying to keep her voice calm and steady. She didn’t need him freaking out.

“Mhm.”

“Could you ask him to come pick me up?” She whispered, her voice cracking slightly.

Finn was suddenly very awake, “Rey? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

As he spoke, another call came through. She pulled her phone slightly away from her face to see it was Ben. She ignored it and said to Finn, “I don’t know. I’m somewhere near Ben’s house. I’ll send you my location, just... can you come?”

“Always.” Finn said, and in the background she could hear Poe asking what was wrong. “We’ll be there as soon as we can, peanut.”

Rey said her goodbyes, ignoring the way a few texts came in as she was speaking. Once she’d hung up, she looked at her phone. There were a few notifications of missed calls and texts from Ben. She didn’t bother reading them yet. She didn’t have the mental capacity to handle dealing with him or the way he’d inadvertently broken her naive heart.

~*~~*~~*~

Ben’s texts had slowed throughout the day, but the panic behind them remained, Rey could tell. It was only when he called one more time hours after she’d left that she finally responded to his last text message.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ Please, just let me know that you got home safe. That’s all I ask _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ i did. not that it’s any of your business, professor. _

Rey was lashing out, it was unfair, and she knew that. He was just checking on her. He had every right to be concerned for her with the way she disappeared, but Rey didn’t care about that. She didn’t care about anything he was feeling right now, and as selfish as she knew it made her, it felt good. She felt good wallowing in her own pity as Finn and Poe sat on the couch beside her watching sad movies. Rey deserved this. After all, even though she was just a friend to him, to her it felt as real as a break-up.

> **_Ben:_ ** _ I’m sorry, Rey, but you and I both know it’s safer this way _

Rey left him on read.

Safer. Not better, not easier. Safer. What exactly did he think he was keeping them safe from?

~*~~*~~*~

Returning to class was jarring. It somehow felt worse than coming back to a new semester. Jumping back into class after a week off had Rey stumbling through her work like she was drunk. The professors all seemed to realize the second half of the semester had hit, and it was crunch time. Rey was piled with work, and she barely had time to emerge from her stack of textbooks to eat and sleep, let alone have any kind of genuine human interaction.

Still, though, she couldn’t help but feel the absence of Ben’s text messages throughout the passing days. Ben hadn’t texted her since she’d told him she got home safe. She hadn’t texted him, either. Class passed by like normal, as if nothing was wrong, but she knew that they both felt weird and distant from one another. They didn’t know how to work with this new dynamic. It hadn’t been Professor Ren and Miss Niima for a while, and going back to that was hard.

When Rey met with him in his office for their weekly meeting, it was pure business. They talked about her writing, what assignments she had coming up, the normal stuff. The safe stuff.

“I don’t think I’m going to apply to grad school.” Rey said, picking at a thread on her sweater and not looking at Ben.

His voice was flat, even, professional as he said, “What made you come to this decision?”

“I realized I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to. I was doing it because I was afraid. I don’t think I’m capable of writing professionally, and so I thought grad school would defer reality for a while.”

Ben’s tone didn’t change, but his words were more like the friend she knew and less like the professor he was acting as, “You’re capable of writing professionally. You’re capable of doing anything you want. You shouldn’t be afraid of what happens after graduation, you’ll have no trouble finding something.”

“Thanks.” Rey said without feeling.

Rey didn’t know which of them was avoiding the elephant in the room or if they both were, but each beat of silence was awkward.

“Well,” Rey eventually said, “I have a lot of homework to do, so I’m going to go do that.”

Ben nodded, “Yes, that’s a good plan.”

“Alright, I’ll see you Thursday, professor.”

Rey’s heart dropped when he said, “You certainly will, Miss Niima.”

He never called her that to her face. Not when they were alone, just Ben and Rey. Miss Niima was the name he used for her when he was in professor mode. Rey felt a little bit of something slip away inside her, but she didn’t know what it was.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey was in the library when Hux approached her. She felt her guard slam up and pretended to ignore him in the hopes he would go away.

“Rey,” he said, effectively ending her plan to ignore him, “what are you doing Friday night?”

“Nothing that involves you.” Rey muttered.

Hux sat down beside her, placing his arm around the back of her chair. She stiffened.

“Hux, please go away.” Her voice was low and tight.

“Rey, you should really think about my offer.” He didn’t move any closer to her, but she could feel his arm hovering just near her back, his hand close to her shoulder. 

“I thought about it already. I said no.”

“For no good reason.” Alarm bells ran in her ear. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer, not as long as he knew the no was about him directly.

Rey took a deep breath, steeling herself to lie to him, “I have a boyfriend.”

Hux laughed, just a bit too loudly for the library. A girl a row over glared at them. “No you don’t, Rey.”

Rey nodded adamantly, “I do.”

“What’s his name?” Hux hissed at her.

Fuck. She didn’t have a boyfriend. She suddenly couldn’t think of any names. Rey racked her mind for any name other than her own.  _ Ben. _ Did he know Kylo’s real name? It was a chance she had to take, “Ben.”

“Ben.” Hux repeated, disbelieving. He didn’t sound suspicious of the name itself, though.

Rey nodded, “Yes, his name is Ben.”

“Tell me one other thing about him.”

“He can’t tell the difference between a llama and an alpaca.” Rey blurted out, almost laughing at the memory that flashed through her mind.

Ben had been complaining that his fellow professors profile pictures on their emails weren’t of themselves. He told Rey he didn’t know who anyone was if the only thing he could see was a picture of a llama. Rey had to politely inform him that it had been an alpaca and was witness to him losing his mind over the fact that they were “the same goddamn animal”. He showed her several comparison photos as evidence.

With this memory came a flash of pain through her heart, though, as she remembered that those moments were gone. They weren’t friends anymore. Rey nearly sobbed.

Hux still didn’t believe her, she could tell. But he couldn’t argue with her. She’d come up with a name and a fact about her imaginary boyfriend. 

“Well, maybe for now you do.” Hux said, standing, “Nothing lasts forever, though, Rey.”

With that, the ginger strode his way out of the library. The girl from a row over threw another glare at him as he passed.

Rey’s hands shook. She couldn’t tell if that had been a threat or not. Not that she should be worried, as she wasn’t really dating anyone, certainly not Ben.

Still, though, he’d left her alone. Rey just wondered how long she had until he found out she’d lied to him.

~*~~*~~*~

Class turned interesting after a week and a half of not talking to Ben. He was very clearly not into giving his lecture. He hardly kept his students attention, and he blatantly ignored several people talking during class. A few people near the back got up and left, and, even more surprising, Ben let them.

Rey watched him, taking in the bags under his eyes and the way he leaned on the podium. She would be willing to bet that he hadn’t slept the night before. She wondered if it was because of her or not, and quickly realized she didn’t want to know the answer.

Ben hardly looked at her, though it didn’t surprise her. She was pretty sure he would flat out ignore her existence if he could get away with it. Unfortunately, she was still his student, and he couldn’t ignore her forever. He at least had to interact with her until the end of the semester.

With this is mind, Rey found it easy to approach him (with Rose being dragged along) after class. His back was turned as he put his folders into his bag and Rey hadn’t tried to sneak up behind him, but she was sure he had no idea they were there.

“Professor?” Rey ventured.

His back stiffened and he slowly turned to face Rey. His eyes fell on Rose and a brief flash of relief crossed his face. “Yes, Miss Niima?”

Shit. Rey hadn’t thought this far. She had no reason to be talking to him. She just wanted to. She was tired of the distance she could feel between them, like a rubber band pulled to the point of snapping.

Before she was spared having to ask some dumb question about assignments, Rose piped up, “We were just wondering when we can expect the grades for the midterms.”

Ben’s eyes turned to Rose, and he studied the girl. “Soon, I expect.”

Rose nodded, only withering slightly under his stare.

Rey cleared her throat, “Awesome, thanks.” Her flat tone sounded anything but awesome.

His gaze snapped back to Rey, “Anything else?”

Rey desperately wanted to ask if he was okay as she eyed the bags under his eyes. But that was too far. It was off the table now. She wasn’t even sure if they were still cordial at this point.

“Just that.” Rey said, but stayed still.

“Okay.” Ben nodded, also not moving an inch.

Rose shifted on her feet awkwardly. Rey knew in the back of her mind this couldn’t be a comfortable situation for the girl, but her mind was too occupied with thoughts of Ben to relieve Rose.

“Are you okay?” Rey nearly whispered.

Ben’s eyes shuttered and his face became carefully blank. “I’m fine.”

Rey nodded, not believing him in the least. “Good. Yeah, okay. That’s good. That you’re good.”

Rey turned on her heel quickly and practically jogged to the door to the lecture hall. She couldn’t stand to be there for one second longer, the large atrium feeling suddenly suffocating. 

Rose was quick on her heels, following Rey to a destination unknown. Rey turned down a secluded hall, stopped walking, and sunk to the floor. She stared blankly at the wall across from her, blinking slowly.

Rose sat down next to her, a comforting hand on Rey’s arm. She didn’t know anything that had happened between Rey and Ben, but it was pretty easy to see that something had.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Rose whispered.

Rey shook her head, “I can’t.” Though she really, really wanted to. She needed an outside perspective. Someone who could try to help her untangle this messy web of feelings and complications and  _ Ben _ .

Rose nodded, “Okay.”

“Nobody can know.” Rey said, silently begging Rose to press her for more information.

“I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Rey nodded. She knew that. She trusted Rose, the girl had never given her any reason not to. Rey didn’t think there were any people as trustworthy as those she was lucky enough to call her friends.

“Everything got weird between us.” Rey whispered.

“Weirder than usual?”

Rey laughed lightly, “Yes.”

Rose nodded, waiting for more.

Rey took a deep breath, steeling herself to tell Rose. “I went over to his house after our trip. He said he missed me. I missed him, too.” Rey smiled sadly.

Rose’s hand squeezed Rey’s arm a bit comfortingly, “Okay, and did something happen?”

“Yes and no.” Rey sighed, “I think it would have been easier if something worse had happened, in a way. But it’s hard because it was entirely too intimate. It felt nice though. We talked about some personal shit and then we... fell asleep on his couch.”

Rose nodded, seeing where the story was headed, “And you two ended up...”

Rey nodded, “He had his arms around me and our legs were all... tangled up together. Then we got up and everything became weird. He, like, friend dumped me.”

“Rey, I’m so sorry.” Rose said, and Rey could tell she meant it. Her voice was made of complete sympathy.

“I just don’t know what to do. I wish I had never gone over there.” But that wasn’t completely true. Even if it had led to awkwardness, Rey still enjoyed knowing how it felt to be held by him. But she would still rather have him as her friend over that one night, though.

“I don’t know what you should do, either. But I know that ignoring the problem won’t make it go away.”

“He won’t even look at me, Rose. You saw him in class today.” Rey wrapped her arms around her legs, pulling them close and resting her forehead on her knees.

Rose’s voice was comforting when she said, “What I saw was a man that looks like he’s struggling with something. He looks like he’s in pain, Rey. Just like you.”

“He won’t talk to me. I wouldn’t even know what to say if we did talk. And he made it very clear we aren’t friends anymore.” Rey said, her voice slightly distorted from the position she was in.

“Just tell him the truth.”

“I can’t tell my professor I’m in love with him, Rose.” Rey scoffed.

“Well, maybe not that, but you can tell him that it sucks not being his friend. And that you’re worried about him.”

Rey looked at Rose, “What if that spooks him even more?”

Ben was not an easy man to care about. He seemed to constantly push away the people he knew cared about him, as if he felt he didn’t deserve it. Rey didn’t want their relationship, whatever it was, to become another thing that Ben resisted out of self-loathing.

“You can’t just not try.”

Rey nodded, “I know.”

“So what are you going to do?” Rose asked.

She didn’t know. Rey stood up, “I’m going to take a nap.”

Rose laughed, standing. “And then?”

Rey shrugged, “Then we’ll see. Maybe I’ll text Ben. I don’t know.”

Rey and Rose walked back around the corner they’d come from, trying to find their way to an exit. This was a part of the building they weren’t used to. They hardly ever came this way, and they were so preoccupied trying to find their way out that neither one of them noticed the lithe figure leaning against a wall just down the way, a sly smile on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did this chapter feel really short to anyone else?
> 
> ps. adam driver is on snl tonight bitches too bad i'll be at work


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiya. idk what to say. rough week yall. :/ but it's wednesday my dudes and that means i promised you a chapter!! get excited folks. maybe check out the teaser for my new fic? only if you love me tho no pressure
> 
> unbeta'd and unedited
> 
> follow me on the socials!   
> tumblr: @supremefuckingleader and @teetering-dinosaur  
> twitter: @KyloRenissance (yeah i impulsively made one, follow me if you want i'm still figuring out how it works so)

> Rey never ended up texting Ben, rather, he texted her.
> 
> **_Ben:_ ** _ I think we should talk. _

Rey resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. Very astute of him to realize that. But, she realized a second later, this was a big step for him. He was reaching out, making the first move to amend things. She wondered if he’d ever done anything like that before. She doubted it.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ okay _

She was about to ask him when and where when her phone lit up with a picture of him smiling that she was sure he didn’t know she had. She’d taken it when he wasn’t looking at her. They had been in his office and Rey had made a joke that she couldn’t even remember now, but she’d been holding her phone in the perfect angle to get a picture, and she’d slyly snapped one. She remembered how her heart at been beating, hoping he didn’t realize what she was doing. It was creepy and weird, but she wanted a picture of him. Ben was beautiful when he smiled, and she wanted it documented, even if just for herself.

She answered him with a surprisingly breathless, “Hi.”

“Hi, there,” He said, and without preamble continued, “I’m not actually fine. Today, I told you I was. I lied.”

Rey nodded, laying down on her bed, “I figured as much.”

“Are you? Fine?”

“No, I’ve never been less fine. My life feels like a mess.”

“Yeah, mine, too.”

Neither of them said anything for a bit.

He took a deep breath and Rey felt her own chest expand as if the oxygen filled her lungs instead of his, “We both know I’m not very good at this, but I’m sorry. Really fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have... none of what I did that night was okay and I’m sorry and I hope you don’t think I’m trying to make a move on you or something. I’m not... You’re my student. I never wanted to be inappropriate with you. I hope you can forgive me.”

As much as she appreciated the apology, it cut through her like a knife to hear the words.  _ Never wanted to be inappropriate with you... _ Rey never thought it would hurt this much to hear those words. It was like the final nail in her coffin of hope. It had all officially died. He didn’t love her back, not in the way she’d so desperately been wanting. She hadn’t even realized she clung to any hope until it had been ripped from her.

“There’s nothing to forgive. I never thought you were trying anything.” Rey hoped her voice didn’t sound as dejected to him as it did to her. “If anything, it probably seemed more like I was.”

“It was just a mistake.” Ben insisted, as if assuaging his own guilt.

“I know.” Rey said, a lump in her throat, “I know you would never take advantage of a student. You’re a good guy. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for my part in it, too. I’m the one who... so, yeah, I’m sorry, too.”

“Okay, well.” His voice held a note of finality, “I just wanted to apologize. It will never happen again. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Rey murmured.

“Goodbye, Rey.”

“Goodbye, professor.” She whispered, long after he hung up.

~*~~*~~*~

The phone call hadn’t solved anything. Maybe it had helped ease Ben’s guilt, but Rey didn’t think so. He still seemed out of sorts. The bags under his eyes deepened with every day, and his hair became more messy with each passing minute, as if he ran his hands through it constantly. And he did.

Rey was in his office (door open, for a change), watching him look through his mountains of papers to try to find her midterm.

“I swear, I put it in this pile,” he muttered, running his hands through his long hair for the fourteenth time this meeting (not that Rey had been counting).

As his stress increased, so did the disarray of his office. If Rey were still in any place to tease him, she would ask him how a person could live like this, with piles upon piles of things towering around them. It gave her hives just looking at it. Especially when she compared it to the almost sterile cleanliness of his house.

“You can just give it to me some other time,” Rey said, her stress increasing as she watched his increase.

Ben looked at her as if he’d forgotten she was there, “It should be here,” he practically growled. His mood had taken a dive ever since the cuddling incident, which meant his temper was on a short leash.

Rey nodded, not wanting to push him further. She’d very rarely been on the other side of his ire, but she’d learned it was not a place she ever wanted to be again.

“Fuck,” he said none too quietly as a large pile toppled to the ground. 

Rey surged up to pick it up for him, quickly gathering papers in her arms.

“Rey, don’t-”

“It’s fine.” She said sharply, “I’m almost done.”

“Fine.” 

Rey finished picking up his papers and tried to arrange them in any kind of pile, handing them to him, “Here.”

“Thanks.” His voice was hard and Rey hated that she wanted to smile at juxtaposition of his anger and gratitude.

Ben finally pulled a stapled stack of papers from a pile triumphantly, “Found it.” He didn’t give it to her, though. Instead, he flipped through his own annotations on her work, frowning.

Rey shifted in her seat.

Eventually, he’d refreshed himself with her story and his notes and looked at her, his face an impartial mask that she’d grown disappointingly used to.

“Have you ever considered hiring an agent?”

Rey’s brows pulled together, “What do you mean?”

Ben held up her story, “For your work. After you graduate, do you plan on hiring an agent?”

“For, like, publishing?” Rey asked, shock evident in her voice.

He nodded, as if she was a child, “Yes, for publishing.”

Rey shook her head adamantly, “No, I can’t- I wouldn’t- no. I haven’t.”

Ben nodded, looking at her title page, “I’m assigning you a different final than everyone else, but I want you to work on it throughout the rest of the semester.”

“Is that allowed?” Rey asked, her voice too high-pitched.

“Possibly. Probably not. I don’t really care.”

“What is it?” Rey asked. She wasn’t sure if she truly wanted to know the answer.

Ben handed her back her story, “You will expand this into a full length novel and edit it. I want at least eighty-five thousand words.”

“Be- Professor, that’s... no. I can’t do that.” Rey said, her hands crumpling the edges of her story as she clutched it.

“If you want to pass, I would highly recommend you do it.” Ben said, his professor voice creeping in.

“I would like to do the final that everyone else does,” Rey requested, “please.”

Ben just shook his head, “No.”

Rey felt anger bubble up in her, and she was starting to glare at him, “Why not?”

“Because it’s beneath you. I know you’ll easily surpass my standards, and it’s not a challenge for you. If you want credit for this class, you’ll do the assignments I give you. Am I clear?”

Rey’s nostrils flared as she took several deep breaths. “This is unfair.”

“A lot of things in life are unfair, Rey. Get used to it.” His voice was cold and it sent shivers down Rey’s spine.

Rey fumed in her seat, “Why are you doing this? What’s the real reason?”

Ben leaned forward, his fingers threading together as he took a long, hard look at her, “Because like it or not, I’m your professor and I tell you what to do. You graduate in two months, Miss Niima. You have no plans. This,” he angrily pointed at her story, “is a manuscript you will be turning into an agent at the end of the semester. I’m tired of you bitching about how you’ll never make it in the publishing world when you know damn good and well you’re just scared. So, you have a choice. Fail my class or finish your manuscript. It’s up to you.”

Rey’s heart hammered in her chest as she hissed out, “Fuck you, Kylo Ren. You’re an ass.”

With that, she picked up her bag and stormed out of his office, not even flinching at the slam of his door behind her or the shattering of glass she heard.

~*~~*~~*~

Kylo Ren had another thing coming if he thought that Rey would expand this heap of garbage into an actual novel. Rey poured over his notes that he’d left. She wondered if he’d graded this before or after their mishap. She would guess he’d done most of it beforehand because the last dozen or so pages took a sharp turn in tone. She read his comments with a fondness that she hadn’t been able to feel for a while. Each time she thought of him, it was with shame and heartbreak. But now, as she read his little notes he left for her, she felt wave after wave of affection for the man wash over her. 

_ Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve never been to a movie theater? Is that pathetic for a thirty-year-old man to have never done? Please let me know because I’m started to worry that maybe I’m some kind of freakish anomaly. _

_ I’ve also never been on a roller coaster, though I feel like that’s more common. _

_ New fuck, marry, kill: Edgar Allen Poe, Mary Shelley, or Bram Stoker? I think the gothics could be interesting in a lot of ways... _

_ When I read your writing, I almost feel like you’re here with me. Almost as good as the real thing. _

_ If you were here, I think you’d be appalled at the fact that I’m ignoring my mothers calls right now. _

_ I went on that date, Rey. She’s funny and witty and smart and would be really good for me. Yet, my heart feels nothing for anyone except for Her. She’s inimitable. I am beginning to think I’ve never loved anyone before Her, and will never love anyone after. I truly am abhorrent. _

_ Alpacas are indistinguishable from llamas. I just looked them up again and I swear to you there is no difference. _

_ I say this with absolutely no bias, but you are the best writer in the class. Reading your work and then having to go read theirs is like going from an ocean to a sewer. Don’t tell anyone I said that, though. _

_ Do you ever talk about me? I would love to hear what you say when I’m not around. You probably call me such mean names. _

_ Do you think I would look alright with a beard? _

_ I keep checking my phone, hoping you’ve texted me. You haven’t. _

_ I wonder if you realize just how much you affect me. I don’t think you do, and I don’t know if I want you to. _

Some of his writing was stilted, like he’d changed thoughts mid-sentence. Even with that, his handwriting was beautiful, as always. Rey wondered, not for the first time, where he’d learned calligraphy. She wished she could ask him.

It was clear that he’d written these on spring break, as he referenced his date with Natalie (Rey’s stomach churned just at the thought) and his loneliness. Another one of his notes read,  _ I’ve never been a road trip with friends, but I don’t think I could stand being in a car with many people for that long. I keep thinking about how much you must be suffering with Finn and Poe in the same car. I do hope you separated them, otherwise I’m afraid you’ll come back to me and say you murdered someone. _

She highlighted her favorite notes from him (and, damn it anyway, the notes that she would use to revise her work). She wondered if he knew that sometimes she got out her papers and ran her fingertips over his words, imagining him writing them for her. Sometimes she liked to reread them, some of them to the point of memorizing them. It felt like a special and secret form of communication, just for them.

Ben. Kylo. He was two people, battling for himself. Rey wondered if he’d ever considered letting both parts of himself live in harmony. But she thought that maybe he was under the impression that they were opposing forces, rather than parts that made him whole. She could so clearly see that Ben was struggling, she just wished that he would tell her with what. Sure, it wasn’t any of Rey’s business, but she felt like if she knew, she would understand.

Suddenly, she had a thought. It was bad, an invasion of privacy really. She couldn’t go to his mother for answers... that was wrong. Leia would never tell Rey anyway. But Rey wondered what Leia would think if she knew the whole story.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey hadn’t meant to call Leia and ask her if she could come over. But that’s what ended up happening, and that’s how Rey ended up on Leia’s couch telling the woman everything she never thought she’d share with anyone. She’d told her friends bit and pieces. They knew the gist. But Leia sat there and listed to it all, without so much of a flinch.

By the time Rey was done, she had quiet tears pouring down her face.

“I’m going to kill that boy.” Was all Leia said when Rey finished.

Rey laughed, “Please, don’t. Despite all of it, I still want him around.”

Leia smiled fondly, “He has that effect on people.”

“What do I do? Is there anything I can do? It seems like he’s made up his mind that I’m not a part of his life anymore. And it fucking sucks.”

Leia looked away, considering. “You’re a part of his life. And you always will be, in some ways. Even if he tries his best to push you out. You’ve become my family Rey, and he is my son. So if worse comes to worst, there’s always that. You can see him at Christmas.”

Rey laughed, wiping her cheeks, “Leia, no offense, but I’d rather not see him at Christmas if this is how things are going to be. He’ll bring some pretty girl with him. Maybe Natalie. God, I would die if I saw them together.”

Leia looked at her, shocked, “He went out with Natalie?”

Rey nodded, “I thought I told you that?”

“You didn’t say it was the girl I told him about. Rey, I never meant for him to actually go out with Natalie.”

“Then why did you give him her number?”

“Because I thought he’d finally grow a pair and go after someone else!”

“Ah, the mysterious woman he’s in love with.” Rey frowned, “He hardly talks about her. Almost like he doesn’t want me to know about her.”

“He doesn’t.” Leia said simply.

“Why not? Who is this woman?” Rey was exasperated with all the secrecy in the Skywalker family.

Leia shook her head, “I can’t reveal my son’s secrets. He’s come really far in trusting them with me, and I can’t betray that.”

“I know, Leia.” Rey sighed, “I just wish he wasn’t so closed off. He’s always hiding something from me.”

“He doesn’t trust people easily.” Leia lay a comforting hand on Rey’s arm, “But believe it or not, he trusts you. He’s told you many things that he hasn’t told anyone. He lets you call him Ben. He trusts you, but there are some things he will never talk about with anyone. People have broken his trust before, and he’s hardly recovered from it. He’s a lot more fragile than he seems.”

Rey sighed, “I have my suspicions about things, but each time I try to get him to talk... he shuts me down.”

Leia shook her head, “You can’t get him to talk. If he wants to share, he will, but you can’t force things out of him. That’s how you end up pushing him away, Rey. Trust me, I’ve been there.”

“Not that any of this matters, anyway. He’s effectively cut me out already. I’m nothing to him anymore. Just his student who he’ll be rid of soon.”

Leia frowned, “That’s not true.”

“It is. And even if he did want to be my friend, I don’t think I could. To go back to trying to hide my feelings. It was bloody torture and near impossible. I’m terrified of him finding out.”

“Well, he’s going to find out someday. Things like this don’t stay secret forever, Rey.” She said, a knowing tone in her voice.

“I could just never talk to him again. After I graduate, of course.”

Leia frowned at her, “Would you be happy with that?”

Rey shook her head, almost automatically, “But it’s easier that way. I can’t look him in the face and say, ‘Hey professor, I’m in love with you, anyways, great class I really enjoyed the material. Can I use you as a reference?’”

Leia laughed, “No, I wouldn’t recommend that.”

“What would you do if one of your students accidentally fell in love with you?” Rey asked, looking at Leia pathetically.

Leia smiled wryly, “I’m far too old for that, dear.”

“Hypothetically. As a professor, how would that make you feel? Uncomfortable, right? Creeped out? Maybe you’d file a restraining order?”

Leia frowned as she thought, “If I were Ben in this situation, I don’t think I’d feel any of those things.”

“What would you feel?” Rey pressed.

“As a professor? I would feel guilt. Especially since you’re friendly with him. Or were. I would feel like I had done something very wrong.”

Rey sighed. She was sure Ben felt guilty. He’d said it himself. He perpetually felt like he was a bad person, and, Rey supposed, something like this was just another shred of proof for him. 

“He feels constant guilt, for everything.” Rey said, “I’m not surprised he feels guilty over this. And he’s probably so angry at himself. He’s going to convince himself he’s even more of a monster.”

Leia hummed regretfully, “I wouldn’t be surprised if this new distance between the two of you isn’t so much the end of your friendship as it is his form of self-punishment. He does that.”

Rey looked at her, surprised, “Why would he punish himself by not being my friend?”

“Think about, dear. He cares about you, he thinks he hurt you, so to make it right, in his head, he’s going to isolate himself from you. I don’t think he realizes it hurts both of you as much as it does.”

Rey took all of this in. She hadn’t thought about that. She had thought that he was ending their friendship because he was uncomfortable around her now. She thought she’d accidentally pushed things too far. But what if his behavior, him pushing her away and being mean, was his way of punishing himself for his perceived sins?

“Well, I hope he realizes he’s ripped my heart out and stomped on it.”

“Sometimes, we hurt the ones we love the most by trying to protect them.” Leia said, wise as ever.

Rey wanted to cry again.

“Want to see Ben’s baby pictures?” Leia said, sensing the turmoil Rey was experiencing.

Rey was quick to jump on the offered distraction, “Oh, god yes.”

~*~~*~~*~

Finn was braiding Rey’s hair as she sat in front of him on the floor. His legs were crossed behind her on the couch and his fingers thread through her hair softly. She always like when Finn did her hair. It made her feel like a little girl. She wished she had had a mother to do this for her.

Rey and Finn had talked about their foster homes a thousand times to each other. It seemed that they were the only two people in the world who could find solace in each other. It was always easier to talk to Finn about her old life than it was anyone else. He understood.

“Tell me about your best foster home,” she whispered, needing to hear the story. Craving that familial warmth she could leech from Finn’s fingers in her hair and his words of love.

“It was the Johnsons.” He said, “They had three kids already. I was fifteen and angry. Mrs. Johnson was tough on me, because she knew I could be better. She believed in me. Mr. Johnson taught me to drive, to shave, to be a man. The kids were young and love me. I was cool to them, simply because I was older. Patty, the youngest girl... She clung to me like a magnet. I still think about her sometimes.”

Rey tried to nod, but it was made difficult by Finn’s braiding. “But they couldn’t adopt you.”

“No,” Finn said sadly, “they couldn’t adopt me. They didn’t have enough money for the process.”

“I’m sorry, Finn.” Rey said, tears welling in her eyes. He had been so close to the thing they both craved most in this world.

“I’m not, peanut. If they had adopted me, I never would have met you. They were great, but you’re my sister. I would hate life without you. And besides, I have a family now. Don’t ever feel bad about where I ended up, Rey. I’m where I’m supposed to be.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I don’t feel alone anymore.” He said simply.

Rey didn’t know if she’d ever stopped feeling alone. She supposed she had, for a second, until it crept back in. It was like nothing good could last for her. 

As Finn finished her braid, he said, “You are my family, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still lonely. Poe changed a lot for me, Rey. Having him around made me feel a little more complete.”

Rey nodded, “I’m happy for you.”

Finn patted her shoulders, “I don’t want you to think Poe makes me complete. But he helped me see that I could be. I think you could learn a lot from him, if you asked.”

Rey didn’t know what he meant, and she was tired of trying to figure out all of the cryptic puzzles people were throwing at her time and time again. She was over it all. For once, she just wanted a straight answer. Was that too much to ask for?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am being forced to watch Sports today :( that's what happens when your hometown is in the superbowl and your mother is like, actually a football fan i guess. gross. i want to write but the constant talk about football and football themed weddings and fucking whatever the fuck sports people are into is so distracting!!!! and my mom keeps talking and i just want to be Alone so i can Write and UGH fuck!!!! okay sorry yall don't care about my life. if you want to hear me complain more, come talk to me on tumblr i have lots to say right the fuck now........!
> 
> idk follow me or whatever (did i tell you guys i also have a twitter now too? i don't remember the @ so just follow random people and maybe you'll find me)

Rey barely heard the knock on Ben’s door, but she felt dread claw at her stomach before she even turned around. Maybe it was the look on Ben’s face. Maybe it was the barely there reflection of the man in Ben’s glasses. Maybe she just sensed danger in some primal part of her. Whatever it was, she knew something was about to go very wrong.

“Good afternoon, professor.” Hux’s tight voice reached her ears, and she had to stop herself from shivering at the malice she heard.

“Hux, I have told you time and time again, you need to schedule time. You cannot drop by whenever you feel the urge.”

“Sorry, it was a last minute decision.” Hux stepped further into the office, standing just beside Rey’s chair. She not so subtly shifted her weight to the other side, leaning away from him. Hux handed Ben a stack of papers, “For the conference.”

“That doesn’t make it acceptable.” Ben said, a hard look in his eyes as he took the papers from the ginger man. “I’m with a student.”

“So I see,” Hux smiled down at her like a mountain lion about to eat her, “And how are you, Rey?”

She looked up at him, trying not to let her fear or disgust for him show, “I’m fine.”

Hux nodded, “Good. Anyway, professor, I was wondering how long it will take you to get through my research paper?”

“It’s not a priority of mine at the moment.” Ben muttered, flipping through the papers Hux had handed him, “if you wanted it looked at sooner, you should have turned it in when it was due.”

Hux’s smile became evil as he turned to Rey, “Hey, Rey, how’s that boyfriend of yours?”

Her stomach dropped, and she almost (almost) darted her eyes to Ben to gauge his reaction. “He’s fine.” She whispered, wishing he said nothing more.

But of course, when had anything ever gone her way?

“What was his name again?” Hux asked, though she knew he remembered.

Shit. How did she get out of this? She didn’t. There was no way to get out of this smoothly without making a complete fucking fool of herself.

“I don’t think this is a conversation that needs to be had right now.” Ben said lowly, a warning peal in his voice.

Rey looked at him and could see a stormy sea brewing in his brown eyes. He was pissed, either at her or Hux, she didn’t know.

Hux snapped his fingers, “Ben, wasn’t it?”

Rey almost died right there on the spot as Ben’s eyes widened and snapped to her. Her face was bright red.

“You know, Rey, I think there’s a Ben in one of my seminars. What does your boyfriend look like?”

Rey opened her mouth, “Um, I-”

“Must we really discuss your private lives right now?” Ben glowered at Hux, “Not that I don’t care, but I don’t care. Talk about it some other time. Or better yet, don’t.”

Hux looked between her and the professor, “Well, I hope you two are doing well, Rey. But as I said, nothing lasts forever. Call me if something changes, I’d love to catch up.”

He turned on his heel and left the office, an awkward silence creeping in with his disappearance.

“I can explain.” Rey said, her face still burning.

“I think I can figure it out for myself.” He said, throwing Hux’s papers on a random pile.

“He kept asking me out, so I accidentally told him I had a boyfriend.” Rey explained anyway, “I only know like four guys and two of them are dating each other, one is Hux, and the other... you were the first name that popped into my head. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, his hair swaying slightly with the motion and Rey couldn’t help but become entranced, “It’s fine.”

“He doesn’t know your real name, though, so it’s fine, right?”

“I don’t know how he would.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I said it’s fine, Rey.” His tone was final, and if Rey had learned one thing about interacting with Ben, it was when to shut the fuck up.

Rey took deep breaths and watched his fists flex over and over.

“You said he was harassing you.” His voice was pure violence.

Rey had to calm him down somehow. She did not like the darkness in his eyes, “Not harassing, just keeps... asking to go out again. Which we all know what that means.” She tried to laugh.

“That’s harassment, Rey.”

“It’s fine.” She whispered, “He’s harmless, for the most part.”

“He told you to call him if things change.”

“So, I’ll just never break up with my imaginary boyfriend. No problem.” She shrugged.

The corner of Ben’s lips quirked up before he schooled his expression back into sternness, “Rey, you should report him.”

Rey almost laughed, “For what? He’s done nothing. You can’t report someone for asking you out a few times.”

“I don’t trust him.” He muttered.

“I don’t either, but he hasn’t ever given me a reason to be genuinely concerned.”

Ben shook his head, “If he ever... I could kill him.”

Rey didn’t think twice before she stood and walked around his desk, turning him in his chair and leaning down so that her hands rested on the arms of his chair, trapping him. He blinked up at her, surprised.

“Ben, you need to calm down. He’s nothing. He’s a pest, and in a few months I’ll never see him again. I care a lot more about you going off and hurting yourself in some absurd testosterone fueled defense of me. Don’t do that. First of all, you have no right to do anything like that because you’re my professor, remember? Secondly, you cannot hurt one of your grad students. You’d get fired. It’s dumb and reckless and you aren’t thinking.”

“I’m your friend, too.” He whispered, his eyes flicking between each of hers, “I want you safe.”

“Are you?” She met his volume, “Because I distinctly remember you saying exactly the opposite. I thought we...” her eyes fell to his lips of her own accord. They were so close. She really shouldn’t be leaning over him like this. 

“You mean so much to me, Rey.” He said, and Rey was mesmerized by the way his lips formed her name. She wanted to know how it would feel to have him say her name against her skin.

“It doesn’t feel like it.” She looked back up into his eyes, noticing the way he watched her. Was she imaging things or were his cheeks a bit pink?

“It’s because I care about you that I can’t be around you anymore,” he told her.

She rolled her eyes, pushing herself away from him. She leaned against his desk and crossed her arms. They watched each other watch each other. “I’m so over this.” 

But she wasn’t. She knew that she would keep coming back to him like a sad puppy looking for love he could never give her. Rey couldn’t give him up. He was heroin and she was hooked. All he had to do was ask, and she would be there. But he could never know that.

“One of these days,” she said, looking down at him, “You’re going to tell me to leave, and I will. And I won’t come back.”

Rey didn’t wait to hear what he had to say. She left without another word, closing the door with a resounding click behind her.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey didn’t know if Ben was okay, and it was killing her. She felt the weight in his eyes like a weight on her chest. Every time he looked at her, it was like he had to rip his eyes away. His head would turn and at the last minute his eyes would follow, snapping away from hers. She watched him the same exact way.

Ben’s mood with students had taken even worse of a dive, too. Rey heard more and more complaints about his harshness and how much of an asshole he was. 

He was not shy in class, either. When a student in the fourth row- Rey didn’t know their name- had answered a question wrong, he’d said, “God, how did I ever get stuck with such incompetent fools? If you’re going to raise your hand, know the answer. It pains me to think you are all English majors. You disgrace the field of literature.”

Rey reread the hand-out Ben had given the class. Her hand was up in the air before she could think about it. She scribbled something on her paper quickly as Ben looked at her, sighed, and said, “What?”

“With all due respect, sir, your hand-out does say that retcon is often a way to mend plot holes, but that’s not what you’re saying now.”

He glared at her and stalked towards her. He held out his hand to her, “Give me that.”

Rey held the hand-out to him. He yanked it from her hand, and she tried not to wince as she got a paper cut. She automatically stuck the bleeding finger in her mouth and Ben’s eyes flashed. He looked down at the paper, reading his own notes and then her message to him, scrawled underneath the very definition he’d incorrectly defined.  _ Don’t be an ass. _ He narrowed his eyes.

Ben looked back up at her, his eyes falling to her finger in her mouth. He licked his lips and tossed the paper packet back to Rey. She caught it out of the air, her bleeding finger leaving a small drop of blood on one of the papers.

“It seems I was mistaken.” With that, he continued his lecture, glancing back at Rey every couple of seconds. Her finger stopped bleeding long before class ended, but that didn’t stop Ben’s eyes from wandering down to her hand, looking for the tiny cut.

Rey stood and tried to leave as soon as class ended, but Ben came over and leaned on the front row of seats to talk to her.

“Come to my office.”

“I can’t.” Rey said.

“What else have you got to do?” He asked, a small smirk playing at his lips. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“Literally anything else.” She told him, shoving her notebook in her bag, “I would rather stab my eyes with needles.”

He winced, though she didn’t know if it was the imagery or the harshness of her words. “Please, Rey.”

She looked at him. She was just a few inches taller than him on the second row. It felt good to finally have the advantage for once.

“Give me one reason I should.”

Ben looked around the empty lecture hall, as if the answer would be written on the walls.

“You expect me to just come whenever you call, Ben. But that’s not how this goes anymore. You pushed me away, so I’m away.” Perhaps she was being too harsh. Perhaps she wasn’t being harsh enough.

His eyes flashed with hurt. “Rey, don’t... I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I know I messed up.”

“You seem to be really good at making messes you never clean up, Ben.”

“Rey-”

“I have somewhere to be. Bye, professor.” She stared at him a beat longer before leaving the hall, the sound of his groan following her.

Upon leaving the hall, a familiar presence approached her.

“Lovers quarrel?” Bazine asked, an evil smirk on her face.

“What do you want, Bazine?”

She smiled without kindness, “I’m just looking out for you, Rey. Making sure everything is good with you and Ben.”

Rey stopped dead, “What did you just say?”

“I said, I’m making sure everything is good with you and Ren. It seems like he’s been out of sorts lately.”

Rey’s hands were shaking, “No, you- you called him something else.”

Her eyes were wicked, “You must have heard me wrong, Rey. Is everything okay?”

Rey shook her head, “You called him something else, Bazine, I heard you. I don’t know what you think is going on but you’re wrong. Professor Ren and I have a professional relationship, and that’s it.”

Bazine’s smile never wavered, “You might want to be careful, Rey. If you don’t stop making heart eyes at your boyfriend, people might begin to suspect something’s up. You don’t want Ben to get fired, do you?”

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s my professor. I’m his student and nothing has ever happened that would suggest otherwise.” Rey lied, “Let people suspect what they want, I know the truth.”

“Are you so certain you wouldn’t mind people snooping around?” Bazine stopped her with a hand on her arm. Her nails dug into Rey’s skin lightly.

“Go ahead, Bazine, there’s nothing to find. Kylo Ren and I are nothing.”

Her face twisted into an evil snarl, “I will get my proof, and when I do you and your boyfriend are dead.”

“There won’t be any proof.” Rey narrowed her eyes and yanked her arm from the girls claws, red scratches appearing on her skin, “But do your worst.”

Rey stormed away from the girl with a vendetta. She didn’t know what Bazine knew or how or why she was intent on getting proof, but she did know that she didn’t think it would take very long for Bazine to get her claws on some kind of “proof”.

~*~~*~~*~

Poe was less than helpful. Rey went to talk to him about “completeness” or whatever Finn had been on about. When Rey asked him, he shrugged and said, “I don’t know, Rey. I just let him talk. Nobody had ever listened to him before. They were always trying to fix him or something. He just needed someone to hear him and understand that he was in pain. He wanted to know it was okay to be in pain.”

Rey nodded, as if that helped her at all. Her legs swung as she sat on the counter of Poe’s bakery. She didn’t have anyone to listen to her. More importantly, she couldn’t listen to people who didn’t talk. And Ben didn’t talk.

“How did you get him to talk?”

“He came to me.” Poe said, his eyebrows furrowed. He wiped down a table as he spoke, “I remember I was here, at the bakery, and he showed up and I could just see it... I closed down, and we took cake in the back and ate it while he talked.”

“That’s sweet.”

Poe smiled sheepishly, “It’s alright.”

Rey shook her head, “No, it’s sweet. People don’t just do things like that. At least, not for me.”

Poe sighed, throwing the towel over his shoulder. “Rey, you have to be open to accepting that people care about you.”

“I am. I know Finn loves me.”

Poe rolled his eyes, hitting her with his towel, “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You think it’s just Finn. You think he’s all you have. But he’s not. You have me, you have Rose, you have Leia, you have Kylo, you have Kaydel-”

“I don’t have Ben,” she objected.

Poe began to wipe down the back counters, “If you don’t have Ben then tell me why he’s texting Finn to make sure you’re alright.”

“He what?”

Poe nodded, “Yeah, he texts Finn sometimes to make sure you’re okay. Just says he’s checking up on you.”

“When- what?”

Poe stiffened, “I just remembered I wasn’t supposed to tell you that.”

Rey hopped off the counter, “Well, you’ve already told me so you might as well continue. What the fuck are you talking about, Poe?”

Poe turned around to face her, “You can’t tell Finn I told you. He made me swear.”

“Tell me everything and I won’t tell Finn.”

Poe nodded, leaning against the counter, “Okay, well, it started after the coffee shop. Finn and Kylo exchanged numbers, you know, in case one of them needed the other for whatever reason. The first time Kylo texted Finn was... I think maybe a few days after spring break? Then it’s been every couple of days. He was really worried a few times.”

“Why is he asking Finn about me? Why can’t he just fucking talk to me?” Rey asked, not really expecting an answer.

“He said he thought it was best if he didn’t talk to you anymore. He was really upset about something that went down, but he wouldn’t say what.”

Rey nodded, “Yeah, I know that. I just don’t know why he feels the need to still check on me. He’s clearly done with me so...”

Poe twisted the towel in his hands, “Look, it’s not really my place, but I think you two are pretty good at miscommunication. It’s almost like you guys misunderstand each other on purpose.”

Rey peered at the man across from her. He was right, of course. Ben and Rey were excellent at skirting around the truth. She only told him enough for him to get the gist of things, but never enough for him to truly understand her. She knew he did the same. The more she thought of Ben and their predicament, the more she thought that perhaps they would benefit from a nice, long talk. The thought of telling him, though, of making her feelings clear and being rejected was mortifying. She couldn’t stand to see the pity in his eyes.

“When did Finn come to talk to you?”

He seemed to understand what she couldn’t articulate, “When he needed me.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rose was freaking out when she rushed up to Rey in the lecture hall. 

“Kylo Ren called me in for a meeting.” She said, as if she hadn’t heard Rey speak intimately about the man for the past three months.

“What? What did he say?” Rey’s energy for some reason matched Rose’s. He didn’t call students in, he hardly liked talking to them in lecture, let alone in his office where he would have to interact with them one on one.

“I don’t know, I couldn’t meet him until after class. Will you come with me?” Rose asked, clutching Rey’s arm.

Rey frowned, “Even if he and I were still friends, you know I couldn’t go with you, Rosie. You don’t need me, anyway. He’s not going to be mean. He never goes out of his way to be rude.”

Rose rolled her eyes, “You only say that because he’s soft on you.”

Rey flushed, but it wasn’t embarrassment, “Yeah, well, he’s bound to be a lot better to you because at least he’ll look you in the eye.”

Rose’s gaze softened, “Oh, Rey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I know you miss him.”

Rey shrugged, “It’s whatever.” But it wasn’t whatever.

Rose hugged Rey, and Rey had a really hard time not letting the tears burning behind her eyes surface.

Rey caught Ben’s eye as he walked into class. They both looked quickly away from each other and Rey pulled out of Rose’s embrace. 

Rose grabbed Rey’s hand, “It’s gonna be okay, Rey. He’ll come around. He can’t resist you.”

Rey nodded, “I’ll walk with you there. And wait outside.”

Rose smiled, “Thanks. If you hear me sobbing, please interrupt us.”

Rey laughed, and she felt lighter. Ben wasn’t talking to her, but she had friends. She could pull through. She wouldn’t let her heartbreak ruin her. Rey knew she was better than that. But it didn’t stop the cracks in her heart from deepening as she saw the man she loved.

He was wearing glasses today. Usually, that would make Rey’s heart pound, but it was just one more sign of his misery. Of hers, too. It was the first time he’d ever worn glasses in lecture and despite the bags under his eyes and his rumpled hair, he looked good. Rey smiled when she saw Phasma turn and mouth “holy shit” to her friend. Holy shit, indeed.

Rey couldn’t stop watching the way his nimble fingers had to reach up and push the glasses further up his nose every couple of minutes. At one point, he sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose underneath them when someone was incorrectly attributing Anakin Skywalker’s legendary “Darth Father reveal” (as critics had dubbed it) to a rival author. Apparently, Anakin had stolen this idea from his mentor, Ben Kenobi.

Ben threw his hands out as he said, “It wasn’t Kenobi’s idea. It was Anakin who gave Kenobi the idea, who in turn passed it along to Lucas who wrote the series under Kenobi’s name. I don’t know how many times I have to explain this to you.”

Rey rolled her eyes, which it turned out what not a good idea. Ben saw her and stalked over to where she sat. The kid in the front row in between them tried to shrink down in his seat, but Ben only had eyes for Rey.

“I’m sorry Miss Niima, did you just roll your eyes at me?”

Rey paled, “No.”

Rey knew from a brief twinkle in his eye that he wanted to laugh at her blatant lie, but instead he frowned. He had to keep the boundaries, of course. Rey wanted to roll her eyes again.

“If you have something better to say about my grandfather’s work, by all means, go right ahead.” He waved to her and crossed his arms. Whispers erupted in the room. Nobody knew that Ben was Leia’s son. He’d just told the entire lecture hall who he was. Rey wondered if he’d even meant to do that, or if he was just so intent on making her feel small that he forgot where they were.

Rey clenched her jaw, trying to hold back her biting words. “Everybody knows Anakin plagiarized.”

Rey saw Phasma turn to look at her from the front row, admiration on her face.

“Oh?” Ben raised an eyebrow at her.

“None of those people had the idea for  _ Only Hope _ . Anakin stole it from Ben Kenobi.”

“I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but you’re wrong. Ben Kenobi and Anakin were friends who collaborated on the idea together. Kenobi betrayed Anakin, not the other way around.”

“You’re just saying that be-” Rey got cut off

“Do not presume to tell me about my own family, Rey. You don’t know anything. Anakin Skywalker was a good man.”

“Anakin Skywalker was an abusive liar who sold Kenobi’s ideas to George Lucas. You’re just bitchy because you’re mad and want to disagree with everything I’m saying.”

“And you’re being insubordinate, not that you’ve ever had the common sense to control yourself.”

“Don’t pretend to have the moral high ground here, professor.”

His eyes flashed, and for the first time Rey thought maybe he actually hated her. “Get out of my class.” His voice was dangerously low and Rey’s stomach clenched.

“Gladly.” She whispered, hoping he could see all of the pain and anger in her eyes.

“And don’t come back until you’ve learned to stop acting like a child.” He added, his eyes tracking her as she moved through the lecture hall. She could feel his burning gaze on her long after she’d left.

~*~~*~~*~

Rose rushed down the hall towards Rey, her eyes wide, “Run, he’s getting coffee.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “Rose, I don’t need to run from him.”

“I need to run from him.” She yanked on Rey’s arm, “C’mon.”

Rey followed the girl but Ben’s legs were long, and he easily saw both Rey and Rose rushing away from the hallway that led to his office.

“Rey!” He called, his voice harsh.

Her stomach dropped. Rose tried to yank Rey away faster, but she stood her ground, turning to Ben. Rose stood behind Rey, not exactly cowering but something akin to that.

“What?” Rey’s voice was just as harsh.

“Get in my office. Now.”

“No.” She crossed her arms over her chest, refusing to feel small next to him.

They stood in the middle of the hallway. Students rushed past them, turning to look at the infamously scary professor and girl defiantly standing up to him.

“You little-” He muttered, but seemed to remember where they were. He lowered his voice, “If you ever speak to me like that again in front of students, I will-”

“You’ll what, professor?” She asked, blinking up at him, “Never speak to me again? No big loss. Fail me? You don’t want me around another semester. You have no leverage.”

“You don’t even know what I could do, Rey.” He growled.

“Well, I’m sorry to keep you from whatever your grand plan to destroy me was, but I’m afraid you told me not to come back to class, so you never have to worry about seeing me again. I’ll e-mail you all my assignments. It’s safer that way, right?”

He couldn’t hide the hurt in his eyes. Not from Rey. She felt regret claw at her, but her annoyance was stronger.

“If you don’t come to class you’ll fail.”

“I have enough credits to graduate.”

“You can’t graduate if I mark the class as incomplete.”

“What the fuck do you want from me?” Rey asked, not caring that people turned to gawk at her for cursing at her professor.

He didn’t answer, hovering angrily over her, his eyes rapidly scanning her face.

“Just let me leave you alone, like you want.” She whispered, “I can’t be in that class anymore. I’ll do all the readings and the assignments, but I can’t sit there and-”

“No,” he whispered, shaking his head.

“You are so insufferable.” She said. “And you call me childish.”

His hand twitched, and for a second, she thought he was going to grab her hand and pull her into his office. 

“I’m not going back to class, Professor Ren. I can’t do it. I don’t care what you do in retaliation. Fail me or mark the course incomplete or whatever. But I can’t sit there and watch you hate me.”

Rey appreciated Rose’s presence throughout the entire exchange, and when Rey turned to grab Rose and leave, the girl stepped to her side, leading her away without question. Rey was able to hold herself together in the time it took Rose to get Rey home.

Then, Rey flopped on her couch and screamed and cried and listened to Rose tell her everything was going to be fine, even when they both knew it was a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk when the next update will be because i only have it partially written and the fucking superbowl is on so i can't write today ! as i have already complained about ! (hopefully wednesday, but might have to be friday, so sorry)
> 
> if you are trembling with impatience, you can go read my other fic called it's nice to have a friend. only one chap but yeah that's there. it's also reylo, ofc
> 
> okay bye please leave my nice comments i crave validation like that one goat from 2014 craved that mineral (wow i knew the year of this meme off the top of my head, should i be worried?)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi my dog won't leave me alone right now and it's quite annoying. also i have the house to myself tonight should i watch rogue one and cry or the last jedi and cry? let me know folks!
> 
> i think we all know this hasn't been edited or beta'd
> 
> follow me on the socials, if you'd like   
> tumblr: @supremefuckingleader or @teetering-dinosaur  
> twitter: @KyloRenissance

Going to class was awkward, but not going to class was weird. It was like everybody knew she was supposed to be there. Had she missed a day before the incident, perhaps nobody would have noticed. But now Rey was painfully aware that her absence would be noted by nearly everyone in lecture.

> _**Rose:** he’s staring at your seat. _
> 
> _**Rose:** it’s kinda creeping me out (cause i’m like right next to it) but also so sweet !!! _
> 
> _**Rose:** is it bad i was kinda rooting for you guys to hook up? _
> 
> _**Rose:** don’t tell finn i said that tho _

Rey laughed, and quickly responded to her friend.

> _**Rey:** it’s not gonna happen, but i appreciate the support. he’s not into me like that _
> 
> _**Rey:** tell me everything that happens, tho? _
> 
> _**Rose:** you got it _

A few minutes went by and Rose texted Rey again.

> _**Rose:** im risking getting caught by prof ren to text you but are u SURE he’s not into u? _
> 
> _**Rey:** 100% _
> 
> _**Rose:** ...okay _

Rey hesitated before asking.

> _**Rey:** why do u say that _

Rey watching the typing bubble for far too long. She knew Rose probably had to be very careful about typing when he wasn’t looking. Rey prayed she didn’t get caught texting.

Eventually, a new message appeared. Rey had to tap the screen several times to keep it awake.

> _**Rose:** idk. just seems like a lot of things add up, u kno? it wouldn’t surprise me is all i’m saying. he looks at you different _
> 
> _**Rey:** different how? _
> 
> _**Rose:** different like he would kill for you w/o hesitation _

Rey’s stomach clenched painfully. She typed and erased her words multiple times before settling on:

> _**Rey:** he cares about me. we were friends. he’s just a good friend. i’d kill for you w/o hesitation _

Rose didn’t respond, but Rey hadn’t really been expecting her to. A knot formed in Rey’s stomach. Something that she had a bad feeling would only increase over time.

~*~~*~~*~

When Rey was supposed to be in Ben’s class, she took to working on the manuscript assignment he’d forced on her. She had notebooks full of character arcs and plot lines. She took note of every detail in her story, she noted every word and twitch of a character, every object and space in a scene. If Kylo Ren wanted her to draft a perfect manuscript, he would get a perfect manuscript. Rey told herself she was putting this much effort into the assignment out of spite, but she knew deep down she wanted his approval. What’s more, she was actually enjoying the process.

Ben had taught her a lot about writing the past few months, and now Rey got to see just how well she was able to listen to him. She wished she could ask him opinion for some changes she made, and bring him new updates to a chapter, but that time for that was long past them. She was on her own now, and she had to do the best she could without the help of her infuriating professor.

The project kept her up at weird hours. Inspiration would strike her as she was falling into a deep sleep, and she would bolt up, needing to write her exact words down before she lost them. This would lead to another hour of writing and editing before she finally slept, but it was worth it.

Early mornings were cloudy for Rey, and often she was most inspired when her mind hadn’t been assaulted by any events of the day yet.

The days she spent not seeing Ben were the best and worst of her semester. She was able to work in a way that she hadn’t been able to. Rey had almost expected her thoughts to be preoccupied by Ben, but she found it easier to flood herself with schoolwork than to think about him. She was suddenly grateful for the ridiculous project he’d given her. It gave her the opportunity to take her mind off of him for a while.

Still, though, his presence lingered. It was the in between moments that hurt her the most. When she was walking to class, she would wonder if he was finally reading that biography he’d been shoving aside. In line for coffee, she remembered his coffee order and pictured him beside her, a smile playing at his lips as he sipped his bitter drink. At the bus stop, she imagined his car and the feeling of being so close to him, the scent of him surrounding her. These were the hardest moments for Rey.

She constantly found herself reaching for her phone, imaging she’d heard it buzz. She half expected a new text from him whenever she checked the time.

The only communication between them was through school e-mail.

He’d sent her his lecture notes and told her what to take note of. It was painful, to read his words. They were distant, professional. It only served to remind her of their new relationship status. Not friends. Professor and student. The only thing that saved her heart from completely shattering was the small “-R” at the end of his e-mails. Rey knew this was their thing. She knew it because once, accidentally, Rey had seen an e-mail from Ben to Rose. He’s signed it “Prof. Ren”, not “-R”. Rey asked Rose about it, and she had told her that was how he always signed his e-mails. It was a dumb thing to notice, and maybe it didn’t mean as much to him as it did to her, but she stared at that letter for longer than was necessary, treasuring that stupid letter for all it was worth.

Rey didn’t respond to any of his e-mails. But she knew that he could tell she was getting them. She didn’t know how, but she knew he was aware she was purposefully not responding. That is, until his latest e-mail.

> _ I will be attending a conference this weekend in New York. Due to this, class on Tuesday is cancelled. Class should resume as normal on Thursday, but if anything changes, I’ll send an update. Do not take this time to slack on assignments. Your research paper is still due this Friday and with the extra free time given to you this week, I have very high expectations. _
> 
> _ Prof. Ren _

Below that, he’d sent Rey a separate e-mail.

> _ Can I see you before I go? _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey’s gut fell. She wanted to see him. She missed his face more than she thought she would. It felt like forever since she’d seen him in person. She didn’t think it through as she glanced at the clock, knowing he’d be in his office for the next couple hours at least. She slammed her laptop closed, shoved her trainers on, and was out the door in five seconds, flat.

When she got to his office she was out of breath, and she didn’t care. She didn’t care if he realized just how much of a tailspin his e-mail had sent her in. She didn’t care if he saw her flushed cheeks and panting breath and took it for what it was- desperation. Rey was desperate, and she didn’t care if he knew that, not anymore.

Rey didn’t even have to knock on his door. He looked up at her the minute she darkened his doorway.

The tension on his face seemed to ease slightly at the sight of her, and she felt her already accelerated heart rate pick up.

“Professor.”

“Rey.” He was back to calling her by her first name. She couldn’t keep up with his mood swings.

“You wanted to see me?” She ventured, taking a small step further into his office.

He nodded, “I did. I do.”

She stood still, waiting for more. An explanation, an invitation to sit down, anything.

He just watched her, that same unreadable look in his eye. The very same one that always had her stomach churning in a deliciously sinful way.

“Sit down, Rey.” He whispered, his eyes flicking to her usual chair.

She did as he said, stiffly sitting in the uncomfortable chair as she had a thousand times before, “Why did you ask me here?”

“Why did you come?” He asked, his head tilting slightly to the side.

“What game are you playing, professor?” Rey asked, her brows furrowed, “I don’t get it. Either you’re... what do you want from me?”

He looked away, as if unable to find an answer, “If I could give you an answer, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“Are you even capable of giving me a straight answer, Ben?” She asked, lowering her voice so that no passersby outside could hear.

He chewed on the inside of his cheek, a nervous tick she’d never seen from him before. “I want to.”

“So do it. Tell me what the fuck is happening. Why can’t we be friends? I lo- I care about you, I want to... I wish we could be friends again.”

He shook his head, “Rey, I know what we both want, but we can’t do that because it’s not right. I’m your  _ professor _ . I am seven years-”

“Why am I here?” Rey interrupted him, “To hear the same arguments over and over again? To have this thrown in my face again? So you can break my heart again, is that what you want?”

His eyes flashed, and Rey cursed herself for letting him know the extent of her pain. “This isn’t easy for me, either.”

Rey huffed, crossing her arms, “I don’t care.”

He smiled ruefully. They both knew it was a lie.

“I’m going to New York for a conference,” Ben said, fiddling with his tie, “and while I’m there I have an interview with a publishing house.”

Rey’s breath caught in her throat, “You’re moving to New York?”

He shook his head, “It’s just an interview.”

“But if you get it...” Rey said, her heart falling into her stomach, “You would move.”

“I’m not sure. I don’t know if I would take it. There’s a lot to consider.”

She blinked, and realized for the first time that tears were beginning to form in her eyes, “There’s nothing to consider, Ben. You would take it. You have to take it.”

He shook his head, more adamantly this time, “It’s not a done deal.”

Rey rolled her eyes, but didn’t disagree with him. They both knew that if offered the job, he would take it. He didn’t like teaching, it was just something he did to pass the time. His true passion lied in the publishing industry.

“Why are you telling me this?” Rey whispered.

“I just think that it’s something you should think about.” He said, his eyes imploring hers.

Rey nodded, unsure of the meaning behind his words, “Okay.”

He sighed, resigned. Perhaps he could tell she didn’t understand where he was leading her. He sat back, running a hand through his hair. “That’s all I have. That and... I just wanted to see you before I go.”

She blushed, and she knew he noticed. “Well, you’ve seen me.”

“So I have.”

Rey watched the muscles in his jaw work, mesmerizing by the tension she could see him holding there.

“I should go.” Rey said, rubbing her hands on her jeans, “I have a lot of work to do.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I have to go home and pack.” 

“Alright, well.” Rey nodded, and stood, giving him one last look before heading towards the door.

“Come back to class.” He said, but it wasn’t the demand of a professor, “After my conference... come back.”

Rey paused, processing his request. “I can’t do that.” She said, looking at him sadly.

He frowned, and Rey’s gut twisted at the fire that sparked in his eyes. He let her walk away, but she knew he hadn’t accepted her answer.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey crawled into bed the minute she got home, desperately needing sleep. She tried to ignore the buzzing texts that came through from Finn, no doubt asking her where she was and reminding her that they were supposed to meet for coffee. She groaned after the fifth text chime, quickly texting him back asking for a rain check.

As she was about to roll over and go back to sleep, another notification came through. This time it was an e-mail.

> _ You’re to work on your manuscript, forget about the research project. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey groaned, dropping her head on her pillow. Why was he just now telling her about this? She wanted to throw her phone at the wall. She skipped all kinds of formality as she e-mailed him back.

> _ Are you kidding me? I have worked on this paper for two weeks. You gave me the manuscript assignment in plenty of time to let me off the hook for this paper.  _
> 
> _ -R _

His reply, as usual, was nearly instant.

> _ I forgot. _
> 
> _ -R _

Rey switched over to her messaging app.

> _**Rey:** have a good time at your conference you twat _

She didn’t get a response to that.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey’s hair was a mess from running her hands through it so often. She was sure if she looked in a mirror her own reflection would startle her. Ben’s comments (the real ones, not the ones he left for her) on her story were painful to wade through, but he was right about every one of them. By the time she had gone through just to look at fixing the things he mentioned, Rey knew her word count would practically double. There were her own notes and things she wanted to fix, as well, but Ben knew his shit. He was a fantastic editor. She hated it. She wanted to be so upset with him, she wanted to know better she wanted to be able to disregard his notes, but she couldn’t. 

Instead, she went through with a fine tooth comb and fixed everything he pointed out. It was late at night when she received a text message from the man himself. She winced at the new name that popped up for him on her phone. After Ben had told her to stop calling him by his first name, she’d changed his contact info. It was childish, but it reminded her to keep things at a distance. Not that she thought him texting her was very effective in all of this.

> _**Professor Douchebag:** This conference is horrible, and I blame you. _

Rey didn’t smile. She wanted to, badly. But she didn’t.

> _**Rey:** i wish i could take credit for your suffering, but sadly i can’t. _
> 
> _**Professor Douchebag:** I know you can’t because this is the kind of torture only academics can come up with. You aren’t sadistic enough for this. _

Rey didn’t know how to respond for a while. They weren’t meant to be talking. He’d ended their friendship. He’d cut things off (albeit, rather messily), yet here he was, texting her late at night. They were supposed to be staying away from each other, but they seemed to be having a hard time remembering that.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had her phone pressed to her ear, and his quiet voice came through with an almost satisfied, “Hello, Rey.” Rey could hear the tiredness in his voice. But he’d picked up. Rey wanted to think that he’d always pick up for her, and so far, he had.

She sighed, “Hi.” Rey whispered into the phone, cradling it to her face like she could be closer to Ben that way.

“You called me.” 

“You texted me.”

“So I did.” He hummed, “Interesting of both of us.”

Rey was quiet. “I’m going through my story and it’s a pile of trash.”

He laughed, “All first drafts are. To be fair, though, as a final draft for a short story it was good. For a first draft of a novel, it needs serious refurbishing.”

“You’re insane and evil for making me do this.” She told him.

Rey could hear the smile in his voice, “My job as your professor is to make you a better writer. This is how you can become better.”

“Your job isn’t to make me rip all of my hair out, though. I’m on the verge of being bald, and that is not a good look.”

“You could pull it off.” He said, and it was too friendly, too comfortable. He seemed to realize this, and he quickly said, “Listen, I have some more notes for you back at my house. I think they could help. If you wanted to drop by and grab them while I’m gone, you could. It might save you some unnecessary edits. Otherwise, I can just give you to them when I see you next.”

Rey mulled it over. She didn’t want to make unnecessary edits. It would be a pain in the ass to go back and reedit them. “I’ll grab them. How do I break into your house?”

He laughed, “It’s not breaking in if I tell you how to get in and also told you to do it.”

“Semantics.”

“There’s a key taped to the bottom of the doormat. The alarm code is 2187.”

Rey scribbled the code down and did quick math in her head. “You aren’t thirty-three.”

“What?”

“The code,” Rey explained, feeling stupid, “It’s a date, right?”

He sounded uncomfortable when he said, “Oh, yeah. Yes, it is.”

“But it’s not your birthday.”

“No, my birthday is in May.”

“So the date...” It wasn’t any of Rey’s business, and she knew that. 

He knew that, too. Still, he said, “It’s my parents wedding date.”

Rey’s heart almost burst in her chest at the sweetness of that. “That’s so sweet.”

“It’s whatever. Just... the notes are in a black notebook, on my coffee table, I think. I don’t remember for sure, you might have to look around for them.”

“When is your birthday?” Rey asked, completely disregarding his instructions. 

“May fourth.” He told her. “Are you listening to me?”

Rey hummed the affirmative, marking her planner with his birthday. Her hand hovered over the words “Ben’s birthday”, debating adding balloons and hearts next to it. She decided against the hearts (should Ben ever accidentally see the contents of her planner), but added small balloons next to the words. 

“Okay, well, you can go whenever. If you bring your friends along, just make sure Finn doesn’t break anything out of spite.”

Rey laughed, able to picture Finn break one of Ben’s prized possessions almost too easily, “He doesn’t hate you.”

“I’m sure that he does.” Ben snorted, and it really shouldn’t have been as cute as it was. Rey’s heart did a somersault at the noise.

Rey laughed, “He might strongly dislike you.”

“Alright, whatever you say.”

Rey hesitated before say, “I, er, thought about coming back to lecture.” Her voice was so low that it bordered on inaudible.

Rey could have sworn she heard his breath shutter, “And?”

“It’s weird not seeing you for this long...” Rey hoped he could hear the words she didn’t say. Seeing him before he left had been like a stab in the heart. It reminded her just how much she cherished his presence.  


“I miss you, too, Rey.” He confessed, his voice soft, either from the late night or what he was saying. Rey didn’t care either way. Ben paused, “Are you coming back?”

Rey nodded as she said, “Yeah, I’m coming back. Because of the material, though. And class and my grade and all that. Not because I miss you.”

“Of course not.” His tone of voice was unnervingly wise, and Rey thought that maybe they both knew it was a lie.

“I mean I  _ do _ .” Rey blurted, trying to save face in the worst way possible, “But that’s not why I’m coming back. I miss you, but... It’s nice to hear your voice, at least.”

He sounded breathless as he said, “I would think you’d get tired of hearing my voice. Lecture, and all.”

Rey swallowed, her heart pounding as she said, “No, I like it. It’s comforting.”

It was easier to be honest with him late at night. It was like if Rey said all of these words to him when they were both tired, it might all seem like a fever dream in the morning. It was easier, Rey told herself as the silence stretched on for what seemed like eternity, to not have to look at him as she said things she should never say to her professor.

“I’m glad you think so, because I subject you to it far too much for it to grate on you.” He paused and awkwardness once again set in before he admitted, “I like your voice, too.”

Rey blushed, and she was suddenly glad they were on the phone. “Well. That’s... nice.”

Rey and Ben had no reason to stay on the phone with each other (aside from the fact that they’d both admitted to liking each other’s voices). Nor did they have any reason to talk about how poor the food at Ben’s conference was, but they did. They also had no reason to talk about the new documentary coming out about Zelda Fitzgerald, but they did. Ben had no right to complain about how much of a pain in the ass Hux was, because apparently he had to go to the conference, too. They had absolutely no reason to talk about anything. They weren’t friends. But Rey found herself slipping back into the routine of talking to Ben open and freely. It was so easy with him, so comfortable. It felt like coming home again.

“Get some sleep,” he finally said to her, after she’d yawned for the fifth time.

“You’re one to talk, New York.” She said in her best imitation of an East-coaster.

Ben’s laugh was like a drug to her. “That was horrible, please never do that again.”

“You liked it.” She teased, hoping he couldn’t detect the note in insecurity in her voice.

“I’m going to have nightmares.” He said, “I might actually be having one right now.”

“You have nightmares about me?” Rey pretended to be offended.

“No, never.” He whispered, “It’s never a nightmare when you’re in my dreams.”

Rey didn’t know what to say to that, so she just said, “Okay, well.”

He seemed to realize what he said. “Yeah, uh, goodnight.” He hung up quickly.

Rey tossed and turned that night, wondering if he did dream about her, and, if so, what those dreams consisted of, exactly.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello howdy. sorry for the monday update i know this is weird but i was busy this weekend. who else is crying over the oscars? i'm proud of parasite. our boy was cheated. the reylo kiss was on the big ass screen for the world to see. adam is going into hibernation. it's quite a time to be alive. 
> 
> um, there's a bit of "poetry" in this chapter pls don't make fun of me i'm really not a poet just pretend it's good okay? for all of our sakes. 
> 
> i feel like it's been so long i miss you guys!!! anyways yeah enjoy i hope

Rey didn’t actually want anyone knowing she was going to Ben’s house. Her friends knew that she had a falling out with Ben and it was too complicated to explain the whole situation. Plus, she didn’t exactly know what the whole situation was, anyway. Rey wasn’t at all sure of what she and Ben’s dynamic was at this point. They weren’t friends but they’d talked. That phone call had been like old times, but Rey didn’t feel confident saying they were back on friendly terms. Even if they had both admitted to missing each other.  


She took the bus to the stop closest to Ben’s neighborhood and walked the rest of the way to his house. He lived in a populated area. It was near enough to campus that there were a few people her age wandering around, driving by, and just going about their business in general. Mostly, though, it seemed to be young professionals like Ben. They were either walking their toddlers or mowing their lawns. It was odd to see how domestic Ben’s neighborhood was. She wondered if he felt at home here, amongst the newly-weds and first-time parents.

The key was right where Ben said it was and it was surprisingly easy and comfortable for Rey to enter his house by herself. She’d never been there alone, never had the time to truly take in Ben’s most private space. She had no right to wander through rooms and touch his things, but damn did she have the urge to.

Rey disarmed the alarm to his home, remembering with a flash of affection the meaning behind the numbers. February 1, 1987. Han and Leia’s wedding date. Rey wondered if Leia had any idea that Ben had made the code to his home security system her wedding date. Rey couldn’t help but smile at the fact that even as distant as he was from his family, he kept touches of them in his life. Almost as if he’d never truly let them go. 

Rey also absently wondered if the security system code would reflect the code to his phone. Had he just trusted Rey with access to every intimate part of his life? Surely not.

In was a huge violation of Ben’s privacy, Rey wandered through his house. It was like access to a sacred temple, and she wanted to take in everything she could. This was unprecedented and Rey would not let an opportunity like this pass her by. She hoped his security system didn’t come with cameras. 

She didn’t look through his things, but she did take in what could be seen. After all, he’d given her access to his house. It was on him if she saw something he didn’t want her to see. Or so she told herself, to justify her behavior.

There weren’t many scandalous things for Rey to see. Ben didn’t keep very many secrets (though, Rey admitted, the ones he did she knew were quite large) and Rey knew a lot about him already. Through her tour of his home, she only really learned what kind of shampoo he used that smelled so good and that his nightstand held no condoms (so, she had broken the “only visible things” rule, but she just couldn’t help herself). She didn’t know whether to be relieved by the lack of protection or not. Either he was having no sex or unprotected sex. Both said a lot. Rey told herself it was the no sex option and left his bedroom in a rush.

It really wasn’t Rey’s fault that she found his poems. Ben had told her that his notes for her were in a notebook on his coffee table. Was it her fault that he had five separate notebooks she had to flip through to find them? One notebook was really more of a sketchpad that had calligraphy in it. He had written everything from simple words to long passages of his favorite texts. Rey spent more time than she really should have flipping through his work, admiring the styles he was able to create. She liked seeing the phrases he picked, ones that clearly meant a lot to him. There were quotes by famous authors, poems she knew he had read so much to the point of memorization, and, to her surprise, names of people he knew. The page looked like it was just a practice page, almost as if he were warming up before actually committing to making art. There were comical names, like the one where Ben had drawn thorns around Hux’s name, and there were delicate ones, like the scrolling “Leia” he’d written. Rey’s name, she saw, was simple. It held no embellishments. It was the only one that was unadorned, as if he’d singled her out. It was a simple script, as simple as a first grade handwriting book. Rey didn’t know whether to smile or cry at the lack of heart behind her name. 

Two of the notebooks seemed to be agendas and a bunch of professor non-sense that Rey didn’t know or care about. She quickly tossed those aside. She didn’t need to know about his lesson plans for his introductory writing course.

The fourth notebook, though, one of the ones not meant for Rey, was the one she picked up and sat on his couch with, flipping through every page like it was sacred.

She knew he was a poet. His biography in his book at said so, and she’d walked in on him scribbling stanzas on spare sticky notes. She’d never read his work, though. She knew his poetry was very personal to him, something that no one ever saw. Rey doubted he’d ever shared them with anyone. She felt guilt crawl at her through her awe of his words. Unfortunately, her guilt didn’t outweigh her curiosity. 

She wondered if he’d hate her if he knew. Maybe. Rey swore never to tell a soul that she went through his poetry, and while that didn’t ease her consciousness, it did allow her to justify reading every line.

He wrote several varieties of poems. He often wrote short verses and it was clear that none of these poems were the finished product. There were notes scribbled all over the place, directing the meters and intonation in certain places. Entire stanzas were scratched out or rewritten. It was brilliant to see how his mind worked through the writing process. Sometimes, he never wrote a single note about certain poems, instead leaving them be. It wasn’t because they were perfect, Rey could tell, but she suspected it was because he didn’t have the mental capacity to truly refine his words.

A lot of his work was somber, dealing with his feelings of inadequacy. Ben had a serious case of imposter syndrome, she learned. He felt like he never earned anything, rather it was given to him because of who his family was. Through his words, Rey could see bits of the man she knew and even more of the part he kept locked away.

_ This is bad, _ Rey thought, _ I shouldn’t be reading this. He doesn’t want anyone to read this. _

Yet she continued. 

Some of his work was really hopeful. He expressed his desire to feel like he deserved happiness. He wrote about small moments that did bring him joy. But the general overtone of all of it was that he was undeserving of anything he desired. That every bit of joy he experienced was unwarranted. Friendship, happiness, family, love. He felt none of it was attainable or earned.

There was one page that was just a list of words. Somehow, it was the most searing thing he’d written. It was entitled “Snoke” and each word was harsher than the last. It was just a list of hateful words, but it felt, to Rey, like a confession.

_ Disappointment. Failure. Expectation. Damnation. _ On and on these words went, each one scratched more and more angrily onto the page. Rey didn’t know what “Snoke” was, but she knew it caused Ben pain. She hated seeing the clear inability he had to confront these emotions.

The poems Rey hated the most, though, were the love poems. Reading the utter adoration Ben held for this woman twisted a knife in her heart and caused her pain like she’d never felt before. Rey couldn’t help but wonder who the woman who inspired these words were, and if she had any idea the kind of impact she had on Ben. Rey was sure that if this woman saw these poems for her, she’d fall for him instantly. Rey wanted to rip the pages out so the woman could never see them. Rey wanted to rip the pages out and hang them on her wall, pretending they were for her.

Just the handwriting was enough to take her breath away. Ben was easy to read through his handwriting. He was a calligrapher. Every stroke on a page was intentional. His handwriting was as much apart of the poetry as the words themselves. 

His love poems were filled with gentle strokes and a tender lettering. The words were a delicate cursive and Rey could feel his love through the page. These poems were really the only of his that were truly joyous. He spoke of the woman and her vibrancy, the way he lived to see her mischievous eyes. Ben wrote about the way she taunted him purposefully, and, most devastatingly, without even meaning to. His words conveyed his despair at having to keep his true feelings under wrap, and how he thought at any moment he could burst. He wanted the entire world to know his love for her, he wanted them to know how amazing she was, but he wanted to keep her for himself.

Rey flipped a page and felt heat creep into her cheeks at Ben’s words. Though it was a love poem, it was so unlike the ones before it that the tone shift shocked Rey almost more than the contents. She felt uneasy reading his words of desire, how he wanted to feel her against him, how he wanted to mark her in ways that left Rey’s heart thundering. Rey couldn’t stop her eyes from scanning line after line of his lust, her hands shaking as she traced the words that described how her touch would be, how he would worship her. God, this was certainly not meant for Rey to see. She could never, ever tell him that she’d seen this.

Rey was in the middle of reading an unaccompanied stanza when she heard the front door open.

Ice flooded her veins, quickly cooling the heat she felt from Ben’s longing. Her heart dropped and she went into panic mode. She immediately froze and tried to calm herself. She was alone in his house and someone had just come in. Rey hadn’t reset the alarm upon her arrival. She hadn’t even thought it would be necessary. She knew it couldn’t be Ben, he was in a completely different timezone. Who else would have access to his house like this?

A feminine voice that made Rey’s heart squeeze rang out, “Hello?” It sounded as frightened as Rey felt, “Is anyone here?”

Rey had left the front door unlocked. Whoever it was (and Rey had a bad feeling she knew who it was) had been expecting it to be locked. They knew she was here. Rey had to face the music.

“Hello?” Rey said, her voice sounding squeaky.

A curly head of hair popped into her line of sight and confusion (and relief) flooded the face of the woman before her.

“Who are you?” She asked Rey.

Rey stood from Ben’s couch, “Um, I’m-”

“You’re British. You must be Rey.” The woman said, her eyes scanning the girl’s face.

“Kylo talks about you.”

“He does?” Rey squeaked again. She was still sitting curled up on his couch. Why was she still sitting on his couch?

The woman nodded, “Mhm.”

Rey swallowed, “Well, I was just picking up...” Rey held the notebook in her hand up, indicating her reason for being in her professor’s house.

“I’m Natalie.” The woman said, her arms crossed. “Kylo’s girlfriend.”

_ Girlfriend? Since when had that happened? _ Rey nodded, trying to keep the shock off her face, “I figured.”

Natalie asked, “Why are you here?” Her tone was not very nice and Rey finally found the will to unfold herself and stand from the couch. She wanted- needed to leave.

“Well, as I said, I was... B- Kylo let me come over to pick up some notes he had for me.”

“Does he always invite his students over to his house?” She quirked a perfect eyebrow up at Rey.

Rey shifted on her feet, “Probably not, but I’m sure he’s told you our relationship is less... formal than most. I’m close with his mother.” Rey tried to explain their connection as innocently as she could.

Natalie nodded, disbelieving, “I know Leia.”

Rey nodded. They were both doing a lot of nodding at each other. “So you’re here to...?”

Natalie smiled, “I’m here to take care of Kylo’s fish.”

“He doesn’t have any fish.” Rey said, almost laughing at the idea of Ben having a pet fish.

“I got him one. He was feeling really down for a bit, so I thought it might cheer him up. It’s a beta fish.”

Rey nodded, her eyebrows raising, “Ah, I see.”

They looked at each other for a long while. “So, I should be going.” Rey said, making her way to the front door, “It was, uh, nice to meet you. So happy for you and... Kylo. And the fish.”

“Padme.” Natalie said.

“Huh?”

“He named the fish Padme. Weird name if you ask me. I suggested something fun like Finn or Sushi. But he insisted on Padme.”

Rey smiled, trying not to let memories flood her, “He knows a Finn, already, actually. He’s my roommate and a former student of his, so... probably awkward if he named his fish that. And it’s his grandmother’s name. Padme.”

Natalie didn’t smile back at Rey. Instead, she just watched the girl walk out of Ben’s house.

Once Rey was free of the house that suddenly felt foreign to her, she let the fish’s name pull the memory from her mind. As she walked to the bus stop by Ben’s house, she thought back to one of her many meetings spent in Ben’s office.

_ “Why don’t you have a middle name?” She asked him, flipping through an essay she was helping him grade. “In either of your names.” _

_ Ben smiled, his eyes still tracking the lines he was reading from the essay he was grading. “Kylo Ren was just a pseudonym that I took as my name. I didn’t really need a middle name for that.” _

_ Rey nodded, “And your birth name?” _

_ His eyes flicked up to hers, amusement dancing in them, “What brought this on?” _

_ Rey shrugged, “I think it’s interesting to hear the stories behind people’s names. It’s like... a name is an identity, but at the same time, it’s also a destiny. You make the name, but the name also makes you.” _

_ He pursed his lips, thinking. “I do have a middle name, actually. My birth name is Benjamin Landonis Organa-Solo.” _

_ “Landonis?” Rey said, “Where did that come from?” She had a hard time keeping the surprise and amusement out of her voice. What kind of name was _ Landonis _? _

_ Ben laughed, “Lando was one of dad’s friends.” _

_ Rey smiled softly at him. He’d said “dad” not “Han”. She wondered if he even noticed, “That’s quite a name you’ve got there, professor.” _

_ “What about you, Rey? If you could choose,” he said, knowing the reason she didn’t have a middle name- orphans didn’t get one. It was hard enough picking a surname other than “Smith” for everyone. “what would your middle name be?” _

_ Rey thought about it for a long time. Nobody had ever asked her that before. She’d never thought about it before, either. _

_ “Padme, I think.” She said, a watching the way his eyes flickered with surprise at the sound of his grandmother’s name. “I always thought she was the coolest when I was growing up. She was so badass.” _

_ Ben smiled fondly, “She was. I never met her, of course... but the way Anakin talked about her...” _

_ “He loved her.” _

_ “More than anything. He gave up everything for her.” _

_ Rey wondered what it would be like to be so loved that someone would give everything for her. She knew the fear that coursed through her when she thought of someone she loved getting hurt. She knew the desperation of being unable to help those she loved. Being that loved, Rey thought, would be heartbreaking. Knowing someone would give everything for you is a lot to handle, and Rey wasn’t sure she would ever be up for that kind of pressure. _

_ “Rey Padme Niima.” Ben said, almost practicing how it would come out of his mouth. “It’s nice.” _

_ “I do like just Rey Niima, though.” Rey said, “Having her name would feel like taking a legacy that isn’t mine.” _

_ “You don’t need anyone else’s legacy, Rey. You are going to do unimaginable things all on your own. You’ll be surprised what you accomplish.” _

_ “You sound so sure.” Rey said, fiddling with the cap on her pen, “I wish I could have your confidence.” _

_ “Maybe it’s better that you don’t, you’ll psyche yourself out. Leave it to me to have confidence in you. You just keep unintentionally writing some of the most amazing work I’ve ever read.” _

Rey’s feet found the dry concrete beneath the bus stop’s shelter. It was raining. Rey hadn’t even noticed, she’d been so lost in her thoughts. Ben had not named the fish after her, Rey knew, but the fact that he’d named it Padme was intentional, somehow. It meant something. Rey knew that because Ben didn’t do anything without it meaning something. Perhaps Padme meant more to him than he let on.

Rey tucked Ben’s notebook into her jacket, trying to protect it from the rain. She hoped none of his notes were washed out from the rain. 

Rey hadn’t been planning on rain at all that day, and she was soaked. Her canvas shoes were drenched and squelching with every step she took. Her buns lay limp and heavy against her scalp and her clothes dripped small puddles at her feet. She wondered if they would even let her on the bus, or if they’d have her ride on top. The thought made her smile. She picture sitting cross-legged on the top of the bus, her arms spread and wind in her face. The rain would be cold, just slightly, but in her mind it was a hot summer’s day and it was a welcome reprieve. 

It wasn’t until Rey had gotten home and changed out of her wet clothes that she bothered to think about Ben’s notebook again. She should try to dry out the pages, maybe.

She had procured a hairdryer from the bathroom and plugged it in, hoping that the hot air would dry the damp pages and preserve some of Ben’s notes.

Rey flipped open the book and read his last poem with horror.

_ Her eyes caress me _

_ More than her hands ever will _

_ Her mind holds me captive _

_ More than her arms ever will _

_ Her laugh consumes me _

_ More than her lips ever will _

Rey ripped her eyes away before she could read anymore. 

The book Rey had brought home wasn’t Ben’s notes for her, it was his poetry. The two notebooks had looked exactly the same. It was a notebook that basically amounted to his diary. And, Rey remembered, she had no way to get back into his house. She’d left his spare key on his kitchen counter.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey held out desperate hope that Natalie had found his spare key and replaced it under the mat, but no such luck. Rey was locked out of her professor’s house, as she always should have been. She sat on his porch without any idea of what to do. It had stopped raining and the day had turned muggy. The strands of hair that hung loosely from her buns were curling like a bitch due to the humidity, but Rey couldn’t find it in herself to care.

She’d accidentally stolen perhaps the most important material possession Ben owned. 

She wondered why he hadn’t taken the notebook with him, considering it contained such intimate writings. Maybe he didn’t want to lose it during travel, she reasoned. Whatever the reason, she hated him for leaving it behind for Rey to accidentally find. There was no way to get the notebook back before Ben returned from New York.

The worse part was, even if she did have a way to sneak into his house, it was clear the notebook had been through it. Rey had managed to dry the paper, but it was clear it had gotten wet. The pages were the kind of brittle you would expect from a notebook that had been dried with heat after being soaked through. Luckily, none of the words on the pages were smudged beyond readability. Still, though, the notebook was not in the same condition it had been, and it was obvious.

Ben wasn’t stupid, unfortunately for Rey. Rey flipped through the pages with her thumb, feeling the warped pages and seeing the slight discoloration of some ink. She wanted to cry, but feared her tears would cause further damage. She’d royally fucked up, and she didn’t know how she would be able to come back from this, not when her relationship with Ben was still very much on thin ice.

Rey knew what she had to do, but it didn’t make it any less easier. In fact, when faced with the thought of the inevitable discussion, her heart sunk lower in her chest than it had when she’d heard he was officially Natalie’s boyfriend.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm never gonna be happy with this chapter. i've literally been sitting on this for weeks now and it's not what i want it to be. idk if it ever will. idk bro. when this is all over, i'll come back and try to fix it cause i know she ain't hot but i just need to publish it so i can move on cause i'm tired of looking at it

Rey wiped down the table, the circular motions of the rag in her hand lulling her into a hypnosis. She was covering at Poe’s for a guy who regularly didn’t show up for his shifts, but that Poe wouldn’t fire because when he did show up, he was really good at upselling. Rey didn’t mind all that much. She needed something to pull her away from the cloud of guilt that hung over her head. She hadn’t told Ben yet about his notebook, and she wasn’t sure how to even broach the subject with him.

Rey tossed the rag on the table, pulling out her phone. She couldn’t keep putting this off. He would find out sooner or later and maybe if he found out now, he’d have time to cool off before Rey had to see him again.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ let’s play a game _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ really fast, it’ll be fun, just say yes _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ I really don’t like where this is going... _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ But I am curious, too, so yes _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ amazing! hypothetically, what would cause you to hate me? like, if you can imagine yourself genuinely hating me and never trusting me and wanting me completely out of your life, what would cause that? what could i do to bring something like that about? _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ What did you do? _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ Or are you planning to do something? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ key term is hypothetically, professor. i would think you understand that concept, yes? _

Ben typed for a long time. The bubble went away and then came back. Rey watched it disappear and reappear more times than she wanted to count. Eventually, he sent her a response.

> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ It’s very hard for me to imagine you could actually do something to make me hate you. _

That wasn’t an answer that Rey liked, but only because it didn’t help her situation. Otherwise, Rey’s stomach filled with butterflies.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ new game. i will list pretend scenarios and you tell me if that would make you hate me _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ Seriously, what did you do? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ hypothetically, if i crashed your car, would you hate me? _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ No _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ you’re oddly confident that i didn’t crash your car. _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ I have my keys with me _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ ah. okay next hypothetical: if i killed your new fish? _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ Did you? _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ no, it was alive when i left, but you should have told me you got a pet! _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ I’m not fond of it. It’s a lot of upkeep for something I don’t want. If you killed it, I wouldn’t be all that mad, truthfully. _

Rey wanted to ask him more about it, but asking him questions about it meant revealing she’d talked to Natalie, and she really didn’t want to distract from the conversation at hand.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ if i set your house on fire would you hate me? _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ Rey, I’m going to put this very long game to an end. You could do practically anything and I wouldn’t hate you. You would have to seriously fuck up for me to hate you. Just tell me what you did _

Rey typed out the message, her thumb hovering over the send button. She erased it and instead sent:

> **_Rey:_ ** _ please know that i’m really sorry, i know that it was wrong of me, and i really really really didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened and remember how you once said i was your best friend and just remember how much you love me before you kill me okay? _

Before Rey could regret too much that she’d implied he loved her, she sent the message that cause everything they’d built between them to come falling to the ground.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ i found your poetry _

Ben didn’t reply for a long time, but she knew he had read her messages. Even if he didn’t have his read receipts on, she could tell from the silence on the other end of their relatively lively conversation that he’d seen her messages.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ it’s really good. i know you know that and that’s not what i should be saying right now but it is. _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ i wasn’t even going to tell you but i got it wet and had to dry out the pages and it’s very obvious.  _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ you can still read it, though. it’s just a little crinkly _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ please say something _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ just say you hate me and get it over with, ben _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ I don’t hate you _
> 
> **_Rey:_ ** _ i’m sorry. really fucking sorry. i know it was super personal and i shouldn’t have read any of it and i’m so sorry ben please don’t be mad at me _
> 
> **_Professor Douchebag:_ ** _ I’m sorry, Rey, I have to go right now. We’ll talk later _

Rey knew that was code for “I’m so fucking mad at you but I don’t want to say anything mean”. She appreciated that he was making the effort to spare her feelings, even if she deserved every nasty word he could throw at her. She would take it, because she knew that she deserved it. She had made a big mistake. She’d blatantly invaded his privacy and yet there he was, taking a step back as to not say anything cruel to her.

> **_Rey:_ ** _ okay. i really am sorry _

~*~~*~~*~

Ben didn’t text her or call her until he was back in town. And even then, it was just a “I’m still alive” check in. It was a painful three days of not knowing what he was thinking. Or if he was thinking of her at all. She didn’t know if he hated her or if he was too busy at the conference to even remember her transgressions.

Rey wished she could see him, desperately. It would take one look at his face for her to know if everything was okay or not. She only needed to see him once.

She didn’t know how she knew he would be there, but it was late Wednesday night and the door to his office spilled light into the dark hallway. The bag on Rey’s shoulder seemed heavier with the knowledge that she would have to hand over the notebook to him.

She knew he could hear her coming, her steps echoed in the quiet hallway. There wasn’t much noise this late at night, and every sound seemed to amplify tenfold.

When she pushed his door open, she saw that he was tired. Very tired. There were heavy bags under his eyes. His eyes were closed and his fingers were rubbing the skin between his brows. He must have had a headache. He didn’t even open his eyes as he said, “Somehow I’m not surprised you found me.”

Rey didn’t sit down. She simply closed the door behind her. She pressed herself against it, as if it would make her smaller. As if she could blend into the wood grain behind her, and he wouldn’t see her.

“It’s not hard to find you. You only go a few places.” She whispered, regret clear in her voice.

He opened his eyes, and Rey couldn’t tell what he was thinking. It scared her even more.

He was wearing a white shirt and black tie. The tie was loosened and the shirt had the first few buttons undone. He looked delicious and Rey couldn’t help but eye the skin revealed at his collar.

As if he could sense her stare, his hands came up to fiddle with his tie, looking at it as if there were a pattern he could study. “I was on a date tonight. She had to leave early.”

“And you came to your office?” Rey asked.

He nodded, “I didn’t want to go home. That damn fish reminds me of her, and I don’t want to think about that right now.”

Rey winced, “It’s a pretty fish.” She tried to supply helpfully.

“It annoys me.”

Rey was silent, watching him stand and walk towards her. His steps were slow, but she didn’t mind. It delayed the inevitable.

He stopped in front of her and Rey could smell him. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed the smell of him until he stood close to her again. It had been a hard few days without his presence and even longer since they’d been this close.

“Do you have it?” He asked, towering over her.

She nodded, shrugging off her bag and reaching in to grab it. She handed it to him.

He flipped through the delicate pages, looking at some of the smudged handwriting, his eyebrows pulled tightly together as he reread some of his words.

“You read all of it?”

She shook her head, “Not all. I stopped about... half-way, I’d say.”

He nodded, his lips pursed. “I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad. That you didn’t finish it. There’s one near the end that...” He trailed off, chuckling bitterly.

She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing.

Ben sighed, looking up at her from the pages, “I’m not mad, Rey. I have a lot of feelings about you reading this, but anger isn’t one of them. Not at you, at least.”

Rey sighed, a small weight being lifted off her shoulders. “I know it was wrong of me. A complete invasion of privacy. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, “As much as an invasion as it was, I can’t say I’m upset that you read it. Mostly, I’m just scared.”

“Scared?”

He tossed the notebook on his desk and turned to look at her again, “There're things in there I don’t share with anyone, Rey. I wanted to share them with you, I just never knew how. I was scared of you leaving me if you... realized how fucked up I am.”

“You’re not fucked up, Ben.” She whispered. “Nothing in that notebook would make me want to leave you.”

“Why are you always so willing to turn a blind eye to my flaws?”

Rey couldn’t stop herself. She dropped her bag from her shoulder and yanked him by his tie to her. Her lips were crashing into his without thought or hesitation. Amazingly, he responded almost instantly.

While Rey was busy taking in the fact that his lips were soft and gentle on hers, Ben’s hands were being anything but. His grip on her hips was bruising, but she didn’t care. It felt good, it felt right.

Rey lost herself in him, in his touch and in his scent and the feel of his body aligning perfectly with hers. Her hands wound their way into his hair. It was just as soft as she always dreamt it would be, and she couldn’t help but clutch onto it, onto him.

He groaned at the way she pulled his hair and just when she thought things couldn’t get any better, his tongue met hers. He tasted good, like mint and maybe a little bit of chocolate. And something that was so uniquely Ben.

Their bodies pressed tightly together and Rey could feel his heart slamming against his rib cage, much like she was sure he could feel hers. For the first time, she didn’t care if he knew she was nervous. He must have been nervous, too.

His lips fell away from hers, and Rey was about to whimper at their loss, but then he started kissing down and around her neck, trying to find the spot that he knew would make her weak in the knees.

He found it with almost a concerning amount of ease, and as her head fell back against the door one of his hands came up to cradle the back of her neck, gently, his thumb stroking the skin behind her ear. The combination of sensations drove her wild, and she let out an embarrassing moan.

“God, Rey, you’re amazing.”

She didn’t know words. She was pretty sure she’d lost all capacity for language as his lips sucked and his teeth nipped at her soft skin. If kissing him was this erotic, she wondered how actually being with him would feel. The thought sent her into a dizzying spiral of emotions.

“Ben,” she whispered. She couldn’t say anything more than that.

Instead, she let her hands speak for her as she fumbled with his neck tie, trying to get it loose and off.

He chuckled at her inability to do anything more than pick at the knot, pulling away from her a bit, “You okay, sweetheart?” His voice was taunting and Rey hated it as much as she loved it. He knew exactly the effect he was having on her, and she hated that he was teasing her for it.

“Fuck you, just take it off.”

He smiled, ripping the tie off over his head.

Rey licked her lips as she watched him, “God, you’re pretty.”

“So are you.” He said, kissing her again, “The most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Shut up.” Rey blushed, and she felt Ben smile against her lips.

His hands cradled her face, and he pulled away again, “Don’t tell your professor to shut up.”

Rey bit her lip, “Sorry,  _ sir _ .”

He groaned and all humor was lost as his lips attacked hers, “I’m going to hell for this.” He said between kisses.

Rey made a sound of disagreement that was swallowed by him.

One of his hands found its way to her lower back, pulling her body even closer to his, and she could feel just how much he wanted her. It made her feel good to know that he craved her like she craved him. She rolled her hips against his slightly and he gasped. He leaned his forehead on hers.

They breathed in each other’s air, panting and feeling their bodies move together. Chest rose to meet chest and hips rocked against hips. Their movements were slight, but it was overwhelming. Rey could feel fire in every part of her body.

“Fuck, Rey, you have to tell me to stop before this goes too far.”

“Never,” she panted.

“Tell me not to touch you,” he begged, his hand sliding under her shirt and his fingers ghosting along her stomach.

His eyes burned into hers as she said, “Don’t you dare stop.”

He closed his eyes tightly, “Tell me you don’t want me.”

“I love you.”

It was like time stopped as his body froze. His heart stuttered, and his breath hitched, “What?”

Rey didn’t hesitate to repeat herself. It wasn’t like it was exactly a secret anymore. If he didn’t get the hint now, she wasn’t sure he ever would. So fuck it.

He looked at her like she just told him she had two heads. He extracted himself from her and went back to his desk. Rey watched him with bated breath. Her heart was in her throat.

“Ben-” Rey said, fear choking her.

“Don’t.” His voice was harsh, and her stomach dropped like a lead balloon. “I need you to leave.”

“What?” She asked, her hand floating up to touch her lips, the very same lips Ben had just been kissing. The passion she had just been feeling suddenly warped into rage, “After... you want me to  _ leave _ ? Well, do you know what I want? I want you to fucking talk to me for once!”

He turned around, and his face was a furious scowl, “And say what, Rey? What do you want to hear?” He smiled, but it was a twisted thing filled with taunts, “Tell me what little fantasies you have of me loving you back, tell me you dream about us having an illicit affair. Tell me you love me again, as if you even know me, as if you have any idea the kind of man I am.”

Rey dropped her hand and took a step away from the door, no longer cowering before him, “I’m not going to sit here and let you pretend you didn’t just make out with me in your own office,  _ professor _ . You’re delusional if you think you can try to pin this all on me.”

Ben sighed, a hand coming up to clutch his hair, “I lost control, I’ll admit it, but if you think it was anything more than a lapse in judgement and my own recklessness, you’re wrong.”

Rey laughed bitterly, “Okay. Yeah, okay, that sounds more like you. I don’t know how I even thought I’d maybe get you to talk to me for once. You’re obviously so emotionally constipated that you can’t even admit that you’re in love with some other woman, even after I read your fucking poems. I read the goddamn evidence, right there, Ben Solo. I know you love her and can’t have her. So instead you just go around throwing yourself at any other thing on two legs that thinks you’re pretty. Well, guess what? I’m not going to let you use me for your own sick pleasure, Ben. Just because I made the mistake of falling in love with you doesn’t mean that I’m going to sit by and take this shit from you anymore. I’m over it, I’m so  _ goddamn _ over this. I’m over your ‘woe is me’  _ bullshit! _ I have put up with it for far too long, I let you walk all over me just for you to keep throwing me aside like I’m some used toy you’ve grown tired of, again and again. Grow up, Ben. And don’t use me anymore, because I’m not going to delude myself into thinking you care about me anymore. I hope you had your fun. And I hope you learned not to take advantage of your students’ naive schoolgirl crushes.”

Rey angrily reached down for her bag, a stony silence setting in. 

“I never used you.” He said as she opened the door to leave.

“No, Ben, you did. You just don’t see how because you’ve never convinced yourself that you could help someone who so clearly is trying to sabotage himself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear this is rock bottom, it's a plateau and then up from here i promise i'm so sorry


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this chapter is really short and i'm really sorry. i just wanted to give yall something though. i'm having a Time(tm) trying to wade through all the things i've written for the upcoming parts so it might take me a hot minute. sorry. please be patient. i know it's not fun waiting for updates but i also ask that you not ask when they're coming because the pressure makes it harder for me to write. thank you and i love you.
> 
> follow me on twitter (i changed my @) @flipzimmsgf  
> follow me on tumblr (i did not change my @) @supremefuckingleader

Rey’s head ached and her eyes were puffy in the way they tended to be after a long night of crying, which made sense, considering she had spent all of last night crying into Finn’s shoulder. He’d rubbed her back, soothing her over and over with promises that everything would be okay, even thought Rey knew it was a lie. She was almost getting comfortable with that lie, though, as often as people were telling it to her.

She wished most of all that she could say she regretted going to his office, but she couldn’t bring herself to. What had happened had been sorely needed for a long time. It had been way overdue. She needed him to push her away once and for all, and she needed to stand up for herself. If she was admitting the truth to herself, she was proud of herself. For far too long she’d let him consume her entirely until she was hardly her own person anymore. It was time that she put herself back into her own shoes and stop letting every thought be about him. Starting tomorrow.

Today, she would allow herself to be consumed by him, just one last time. And that started with attending his class.

Rose held her hand, giving her small smiles every now and then when Rey’s nervous glance met Rose’s concerned gaze.

People gave her looks as she came in, but none so vicious as Bazine.

“Pst, Rey.” The girl hissed at her, “You and Ren have enough make-up sex to bring you back here?”

Rey turned to the dark-headed vixen, seeing the way she leaned forward in her seat, the familiar feline smile on her face. “You’re really hung up on this idea of yours, Bazine. Are you sure you’re not projecting your own fantasies about Professor Ren on to me?”

Her eyes narrowed, “Trust me, if I wanted him, I’d have him.” Bazine’s eyes trailed over what she could see of Rey’s figure, “You think you and your preteen boy figure are enough to keep a man like that interested? Better sink your claws into him while you can, Rey, before someone else comes along and snatches him.”

Rey opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by another, unexpected, voice, “Why don’t you just shut up for once in your life, Bazine? Everybody knows you’ve got the hots for Ren. We all do. So what if Rey does, too? Leave her alone about it.” Phasma’s voice was haughty, but welcome.

Rey turned to look the blonde in the eye, “Thank you, Phasma.”

The girl shrugged, but Rey could see the slight smile- and pity- in her eyes. “I’m just tired of Bazine’s shit.”

Bazine huffed and sat back, folding her arms across her chest, “At least I don’t dress like a slut to try and get some man’s attention.”

“Hey, I dress like a slut for myself.” Phasma said, not bothering to turn around, “Getting people’s attention is just an added bonus.”

Suddenly, Rey felt very bad having ever made fun of Phasma’s wardrobe. Who was she to judge on slutiness? She hadn’t been making out with her professor not twelve hours ago, had she? Well, Rey supposed she would never know if Phasma had been doing just that, but also knew she was not one to throw stones, considering she was living in a glass house.

The hall filled with more and more students, each of them doing a double-take at the sight of Rey. Some looked annoyed, and other looked excited. Rey knew they anticipated another blow-out. She hoped they wouldn’t be too disappointed when nothing of the sort happened. She didn’t plan on saying one goddamn word to him if she could help it.

Rey’s heart picked up speed when the clock struck eleven-thirty and Ben-  _ Professor Ren _ , she corrected herself, hadn’t shown up. In all the time that she’d been in his class, he had never once been late.

Rose’s hand squeezed hers and Rey glanced at her phone, expecting a text that wouldn’t be there. She’d blocked his number last night. He wouldn’t be sending her anything that explained his tardiness, nor should she be expecting him to. She wondered if he’d tried to contact her and discovered he couldn’t yet.

Students became restless after three minutes went by and Rey distinctly heard Bazine murmur something about him being a hypocritical asshole.

The door burst open to a haphazard looking professor. He wore only blank pants and a white button-up shirt, the sleeves sloppily pushed up to his elbows, exposing his forearms in a way that did not help Rey in her plans for getting over him.

He didn’t even bother to apologize as he booted up the computer and scanned the class, his eyes falling almost immediately on Rey. His gaze was hard and it felt like a knife twisting in Rey’s heart when he quickly moved from her to another student. 

After scanning the class and determining everything was in order he said, “You all look like you’re about to witness the gladiator games.” Ben pulled something from his briefcase and paced the front of the room, “I can only assume this is due to Miss Niima’s presence in class today.”

Rey felt two feet tall as people chanced looks at her over their shoulders. Her face burned as she shrunk in her seat, clutching on to Rose’s hand tighter than ever. The small girl took it in stride, her thumb rubbing against the back of Rey’s hand comfortingly.

Ben’s hands revealed a piece of paper that he folded in half. Rey’s attention zeroed in on the paper like it was a homing beacon.

“Nobody here needs to know the details of what happened between myself and Miss Niima beyond the fact that we’ve both agreed to discontinue our outbursts in class and it will not in any way interfere with your education anymore. If you have any questions, don’t ask them. If,” Rey could have sworn Ben’s eyes fell to Bazine, “I catch anyone pestering her about the situation, I’ll be happy to dismiss you from class. You’ve seen that I’m more than willing to do it.”

Rey’s hand went slack in Rose’s. Ben walked up to her and handed her the folded paper, she took it, not meeting his eye. She didn’t know what it was, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to move on from this entire mortifying situation. She didn’t open the paper right away, not when people were around, not when she didn’t know what was contained in it, not when her heart was beating in her chest because she could feel his heavy gaze on her.

“It’s okay, Rey.” Rose whispered, “Breathe.”

Rey realized she’d been clenching the paper, causing it to wrinkle. And Rose was right, she hadn’t been breathing. She jerked her head in a small nod to her friend as Ben began his lecture, taking slow, deep breaths.

“I’m here for you, girl.” Rose whispered, “I got you.”

Rey squeezed her friends hand, “I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

Rey let out a shuttering breath. She had Rose. She had Finn and Poe. She would be okay without Ben. She had to be.

~*~~*~~*~

_ Rey, _

_ I want to apologize. I let things go too far, and not just last night. For weeks now. Months, really. You and I should not be where we are, but it’s too late to change it. All we can do is move forward. I am sorry. If you want to go to the Dean, I will admit to everything. It is, after all, entirely my fault.  _

_ I regret so much, Rey, about my life and my career and my family. The most painful regrets I have, though, are those that I have regarding you. _

_ I’m sorry isn’t strong enough. It’s all I have to give you, though. _

_ \- B _

Rey clutched the paper in a tight grip, causing it to wrinkle in the corners. Her tears left wet spots on his words. His regrets. She sniffled, turning her head to wipe her cheek of a stray tear that was tickling her nose.

Finn and Rose sat beside her on her bed, exchanging concerned and confused glances over her head.

“Rey, sweetie,” Rose said, “please tell us what happened.”

Rey knew they’d read the letter over her shoulder. She knew they had made their assumptions already. What was the point in hiding the truth anymore?

“I kissed him,” Rey whispered, crumpling the paper into a little ball. “Like a fool, I let my horny thoughts overcome me and I kissed him and, and-  _ fuck, _ I kissed my professor.”

Finn pat her back, “Oh, peanut.”

“Did you read it? He said I am his most painful regret.” Rey sobbed, falling into Finn’s chest, “He- he hates me.”

“No, baby, he doesn’t hate you,” Finn said, wrapping his arms around her, “I promise you he doesn’t hate you.”

Rey shook her head, her fist clutching Finn’s t-shirt, “I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore.”

“I know you think you can’t. But I also know that you can.” Finn’s voice was soothing in the way that only his could be. He’d talked her down from so many ledges, helped her cry through so many nights, that just the sound of Finn’s brotherly voice was enough to calm her down.

“I love him.”

“We know, Rey.” Rose said, her voice just as soft as Finn’s. Rey felt like a wounded animal.

“I don’t know what to do.” She admitted, fear penetrating her with the realization, “I have to stay away, but I don’t know how.”

“We can help you, if that’s what you need.” Rose offered.

Rey sniffled again, “Help me stay away?”

Rey could feel Finn nod, “Help you stay away, distract you, whatever you need.”

“You must be so happy,” Rey mumbled miserably, “you always hated him. Now you get to say I told you so.”

“No, Rey, I don’t get to say I told you so. I was wrong because I... I never anticipated this.”

“What was I thinking, falling for him? My professor? My  _ asshole  _ of a professor. I should have known.”

“He fooled us all, peanut.” Finn said, “He fooled us all.”

~*~~*~~*~

_ Rey was curled on his lap, and his strong arms were around her. It felt right, but she couldn’t get over the wrongness of it all. This wasn’t real, she knew it. She could feel it in her bones. She pulled her head away from where it lay on his chest, and she could no longer hear his steady heartbeat. _

_ “Ben?” _

_ He looked down at her, a soft, sorrowful look in his eye, “Yes, sweetheart?” _

_ “I don’t regret this. Any of it. Even if... even with everything that happened, at least I knew how it felt, for a brief moment, to have you.” _

_ He sighed, and shifted Rey so that they could look at one another more comfortably, “Rey, I don’t regret you, I regret that I had to be your professor. I wish I could have met you in some other way, some other galaxy where we could have been together without all of the shit that we had to deal with here. I regret that I can’t get over myself and just... tell you everything.” _

_ Rey ran her fingers down the corded muscle of his forearm, tracing patterns invisible even to her, “What’s everything?” _

_ “It doesn’t matter now.” _

_ Rey was quiet for a while, “I think you and I would be difficult in any other iteration. Here, we’re held back by...” Rey couldn’t even name it, but she knew he understood her, “but in any other world, we’re bound to be just as difficult for each other. It’s our nature.” _

_ Ben smiled, “Perhaps. But maybe in other worlds, I’m not so stubborn, and you’re not so elusive to me.” _

_ “Is it that hard to say you love me?” Her voice was barely there, fear and doubt holding her back. _

_ Ben’s hand came up to stroke her cheek lightly, “No, Rey, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s everything else that comes with it that is hard. I can’t do that to you... I can’t burden you with my fucked up life.” _

_ “What if I want the burden?” She nestled into his touch, “It’s not so bad if it’s yours.” _

_ “Wake up, my love.” He whispered. _

Sunlight streamed through her blinds, and Rey laid on her bed for far too long, her eyes still closed as if she could get back to Ben’s arms just by remaining still. But the dream was over, and so was her chance at ever being with Ben in that way. 

The dreams were the worst part. They were the moments when Rey remembered that despite her shoving them in a locked box in the back corner of her mind, her feelings were still there. Even worse, in her dreams, Ben loved her back. In her dreams there was no Natalie, there was no reason to hold back. It was Ben and Rey, as it should be. As Rey wanted it. Too bad she could never have that.

Rey allowed herself five minutes of self-pity before she forced herself out of bed. It had become routine over the past few days. Dream of Ben, wake-up, hate life, move on. Rinse and repeat. She only tried unblocking his number once before Finn snatched her phone from her and didn’t give it back until he was entirely convinced she wasn’t going to call Ben.

Rose and Finn had been life savers. Rey was sure she wouldn’t have gotten through one day without them. Poe kept her busy at work, too, offering her shifts that he didn’t even need covered so that she had little-to-no downtime to ruminate on her pathetic crush.

Between all of her friends distracting her and the suddenly heavy workload of her classes, she didn’t have much time to think about Ben, which was good. In fact, her only time to think about him was in class and the brief in-between moments. And, if she was being honest, in the shower when she remembered the way he’d felt against her, the hardness of his body and the clear desire that had tented his pants. Those times in the shower were her favorite, until she came down from her high and the aftermath of that moment flooded her once again.

So, yes, Rey was surviving. And that was the best she could hope for.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW it was hard putting this chapter together but she's here!!!! yay!! we love to see it. anyways um... idk what to say except thank you for your continued support and i think (!) we'll be coming to an end relatively soon. i don't wanna give an exact chapter count but just anticipate at least three more but no more than like seven-ish? (i feel like i'm gonna have to eat those words later but whatever). anways um... idk what to say. 
> 
> come follow me on twitter it's a party over there, and you're all invited @flipzimmsgf

Hux watched her make his coffee. Rey felt his eyes on her like a serpent about to strike. Her movements were quick and precise. Anything to get him out of the shop as quickly as possible.

“How’s your boyfriend?” His smooth voice cut through the tension she felt.

Rey’s heart dropped at the question, but she put on a chipper voice as she said, “He’s good.”

Hux nodded, “What’s his deal? Is he a student?”

Rey had to physically stop herself from sighing deeply, “He’s not, actually.” She didn’t know where the lie came from. Maybe it was because her imaginary boyfriend was named Ben, and the Ben she so desperately craved was not, in fact, a student.

“What’s he do, then?”

“He’s a writer.” She said stiffly, turning and handing Hux the drink she’d just prepared for him.

Hux nodded, absently taking the drink from her, never letting his gaze falter from her, “A writer.”

“Yes.” She said sharply, “What’s with the third-degree?”

Hux smiled, but it was a slick, smarmy thing, “Just curious, Rey. Do you have a photo of him? I’d love to see what kind of man strikes your fancy. Aside, of course, from me.”

Rey nearly threw up at the reminder of their previous relationship, “I don’t have any pictures, actually. Sorry.”

Hux narrowed his eyes at her, a wicked gleam in them, and a small smile on his lips, “Curious. You would think you’d at least have one.”

“Well, Hux, if you really want to know my type, I can tell you he’s big and tall and could throw you to the ground without a thought. So if you want to keep harassing me, feel free, but know that Ben won’t like it very much.” Rey had a hard time not thinking of how Ben glowered at Hux and clenched his fists when he was angry. It really shouldn’t be so attractive to her, but she found her heart rate picking up at the thought of Ben putting Hux in his place.

Hux’s smile twitched, “Rey, you really think I’m intimidated by your supposed boyfriend? Who you don’t even have a picture of? How dumb do you think I am?”

The bell over the door to the bakery rang, but Rey couldn’t look away from Hux as she called out the standard greeting to whatever customer had just arrived.

Hux continued to leer at her as a throat cleared. Rey’s attention was immediately pulled from Hux as she landed eyes on Ben.

Her heart slammed through her chest hard enough that she thought maybe everyone could see it, “W-what are you doing here?”

Ben was standing in the middle of the cafe, watching Rey like she was the only person in the world, “I needed some coffee.”

Rey’s heart clenched, and she found herself laughing slightly, “Well, I guess I could help you with that.”

Hux scoffed and Rey turned her attention back to him, “Was there anything else you needed?”

Hux rolled his eyes at her, “You think I’m blind to what’s going on here, Rey?”

Rey feigned innocence as she blinked at him, “I don’t know what you mean, Hux.”

He sneered at her, “The fuck you don’t.” He stomped out of the bakery as if he’d been royally insulted.

Rey’s eyes lingered on the door where Hux exited, refusing to look at the man that seemed to take up half the space in the bakery.

“Rey,” his smooth voice cut through Rey’s internal monologue of  _ oh god, oh no, oh god, oh no.  _

She willed herself to look at him, “Professor.”

Ben winced at the greeting and Rey almost felt bad. Almost.

Neither of them spoke for a solid two minutes, just staring at each other. Rey took in his casual attire. He wore jeans and a black sweater that really should not look so sinful on him, yet did. Rey wasn’t sure she’d been able to breathe normally since he stepped in.

“I’m going to New York again.” He said, “Luke is, uh... he’ll be covering class for me. We actually left on good terms, I think.” Ben smiled slightly.

“You came here, to see me at work, to tell me this?” Rey’s voice sounded incredulous even to her own ears.

“Well, you see me at work all the time,” he attempted.

“That’s not funny.” Rey snapped.

Ben winced again, and this time Rey did feel bad. “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine... I’m just still... processing.” Rey hated the pain in her voice. She hated this whole situation. She never wanted to see Ben Solo- Kylo Ren- whoever this man was, outside a lecture hall again.

“Rey, I-”

“Dear god, please don’t. You really, really shouldn’t say anything you think you’re about to say. Just let me deal with this on my own. Please.” Rey’s hands were shaking ,and she stuffed them in her pockets.

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.” He argued, taking a step forward.

Rey took a step back, her gaze dropping to the floor in between them, the space that separated them, “Whatever the fuck it is, I don’t want to hear it. It’s hard enough for me right now. Everything is still fresh. I need you to leave me alone.” 

Ben’s hand twitched at his side, as if he would reach out for her, “I have things I need to say, things you need to hear, Rey. Please, just listen to me.”

Rey shook her head, looking into his soft brown eyes. She tried to ignore the sorrow there, “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I won’t. It’s too hard for me. We can’t be friends, we can’t be anything. It’s over, all of it. Please understand that.”

Ben’s face was almost more painful than the weight on her chest, “Rey, I’m-”

“No.” Her voice was stern this time, “Absolutely not. You said all you had to say. You said it was a lapse in judgement. You told me to leave, so I’m gone. That’s it. That’s all there is. Just- please, just let me get through the semester and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“I don’t want you out of my hair.” He insisted.

Rey laughed bitterly, “You’re doing it again. You don’t get to have it both ways. You don’t get to keep me in your life but at arms length but oh you want to make-out with me sometimes but wait you never want to see me again. No, I’m over it. I’m... I’m over  _ you _ .”

The lie hit Rey like a punch to the gut, but it needed to be said. He needed to hear it. She needed to feel it. They both needed to realize what they needed was not each other.

His gaze shuttered, then turned hard, “If you say so. I guess... I guess I’ll just go then.”

Rey nodded, biting her lip.

Ben stared at her a beat longer before leaving her alone in the bakery. It was less than thirty seconds after he left that Hux came back in.

Rey sighed and rolled her eyes, “What do you want this time?”

Hux darted to the counter where the register was, picking up a phone. He held up the device sheepishly, but Rey didn’t bother looking at him twice as he said, “Forgot my phone!”

Rey hummed, uncaring. All she could feel was the slow crumbling of the tiny wall she thought she’d so successfully built around her heart. 

~*~~*~~*~

Luke Skywalker was a force to behold in the classroom. He reminded her too much of Ben and not enough. He was pessimistic. He hated the publishing industry, hated science-fiction, hated fantasy, hated everything that his life had been for the past 70 years. Rey almost wanted to smack the poor guy and tell him that if he hated it so much, he didn’t need to be here. But there was something underneath, some secret passion he held for literature that was undeniable. He hated what everything had become, but he believed in story-telling. Rey thought maybe Ben had more in common with his uncle than he realized.

Rey didn’t know what to think of the man. She kind of hated him, but she couldn’t help the admiration that crept in as he spoke about what the publishing industry was like. Apparently that’s what Ben had brought him in to talk about, because who better to teach them about it than someone who had intimate first-hand knowledge of the process? Someone like Luke Skywalker, who had been through the process time and time again.

Rey watched Luke with a childlike sort of wonder as he spoke about his time getting published and the things he’d been through. When Luke dismissed the class, it was like the spell Luke Skywalker had over Rey had been broken. She rushed up to him, desperate to speak to the man who had inspired such wonder.

“Professor,” she said, after Luke had made his way through student after student vying for his attention, “you’re one of the most prolific writers of this time. It’s an honor to meet you, I mean I know we technically met before, but-”

“Rey, I’m going to stop you right there. Please don’t blabber over me. I’m not worth that attention.” Rey couldn’t tell if Luke’s expression was one of annoyance or humility, and it unnerved her.

She didn’t know why, but she found herself saying, “You, uh- you helped Be- Professor Ren when he wanted to publish his book, right?”

Luke looked up at her sharply from where he had been buckling his old briefcase closed. “I tried to. The boy can’t be helped, though. Not by me, at any rate. Suppose we all have Snoke to thank for that.” The last bit came out as a mumble, but Rey was fairly certain he’d intended for her to hear it.

“Snoke.” Rey repeated. “And Snoke is...”

Luke gave her a sardonic smile, “Snoke is the reason everyone here knows Ben as Kylo, my dear. But you’re better off asking him about such matters.”

Rey opened her mouth, but thought better of it. Luke was right. Rey didn’t want to know anything about Ben’s most private matters that didn’t come directly from his mouth. Not that she would ever hear any such words, given the way she’d essentially told him to fuck off.

“Why did you get dismissed?” Rey blurted. It seemed she was unable to control herself around any member of the Skywalker bloodline. “They replaced you right before the semester, how come?”

“I figured Ben would’ve told you.”

Rey shook her head, “I’d like to hear it from you.”

Luke sighed, long and suffering, “I wrote a book, perhaps a bad book, perhaps a good one. About my father, exposing him for what he was, what the entire publishing industry is, what the Skywalker legacy is. It was not a popular idea. End of story.”

“You hurt Ben.” Rey accused, her voice laced with an underlying rage she didn’t know she held for Luke.

“He hurt me.”

“You choked him.”

Luke’s eyes flashed, “I’m not proud of it.”

Rey rolled her eyes, “That’s the most minimally regretful thing I’ve ever heard. He’s your nephew.”

“Why do you care so much, Rey Niima?” Luke said, pulling briefcase off the desk and stalking towards her, “What’s my nephew to you that you care so deeply about him?”

Rey balked, “He’s... he’s a good man. And he’s been convinced he’s not. I don’t think that’s right.”

Luke narrowed his eyes at her, “You’re going to be very disappointed if you expect he can ever love you back the way you clearly so desperately crave.”

Rey staggered, “I-I don’t expect anything from him. He’s my professor.”

“How often do you have to repeat that mantra to yourself over and over again?”

Entirely too often, if Rey was admitting the truth. But that wasn’t any of Luke Skywalker’s business. “You don’t know anything.”

Luke gave her a wise smile, “I know a lot more than you.”

“Maybe you do, but I know Ben. And I know that you hurt him more than he ever hurt you. It’s just too bad you can’t see the scars you left on him.”

Luke had the good sense to look humbled by her words. “I can see why he likes you so much. You’re exactly the kind of thing he’d fall for.”

_ Fall for. Fall for. Fall for. _ The words repeated on a loop in Rey’s head.  _ Fall for. _

Was he insinuating that Ben had fallen for some kind of act Luke thought Rey was putting on? Or, Rey’s heart leapt just thinking about the possibility, was he insinuating something else?


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh i feel like the last time i saw yall coronavirus wasn't even a thing i'm so sorry for the wait wtf. but yeah now i'm in quarantine so :) love that for me. and probably you. love that for us. but hey more fic reading and writing time, huh? who needs a paycheck when you have ao3. enjoy the chapter. i'll see you next time <3

Two things ate at Rey’s mind throughout the weekend. Both of them were Luke’s doing. His words reverberated through her skull over and over haunting her every waking minute and causing her to toss and turn in her sleep. Fall for, fall for, fall for... Snoke. Rey punched her pillow once more, trying to shape the thing into something she could lay on comfortably. Every thing she did seemed to make her more and more uncomfortable, though. 

Rey blinked at the glaring red numbers on her alarm clock that declared the time to be a little after two in the morning. Snoke. The word clanked around in her head. She’d heard the word before. No, not the word, the name. _ Snoke _ . Rey pulled her phone from where it was tucked under her lumpy pillow. 

She quickly searched the web for “snoke” and found that searching the web yielded about three million results. An old, twisted face glared back at her from her phone and a shiver ran down her spine. She didn’t know much about the man, but based on just his photo she knew he was sinister and she never, ever wanted to encounter him in real life. 

His Wikipedia page told Rey that he was the CEO of First Order Literary Agency, as well as mentor to some of the biggest authors currently on the New York Times Bestsellers list. Reading his career history was like reading a roadmap of casualties. Snoke, it seemed, could ruin a man’s career as easily as he could build it. He was not a man to be crossed, if the information on his Wikipedia page was to be trusted. And as a desperate college student, Rey had learned long ago that Wikipedia was, in fact, to be trusted. 

Oddly, Rey found no mention of the Skywalker family on Snoke’s page, other than a brief mention of Anakin. Even then, Rey wouldn’t have known it was about Anakin except for the fact that she knew Vader Publishing was Anakin’s company. No mention of Luke existed, though, and nothing even indicated the existence of Ben Solo or Kylo Ren.

Rey snooped through the Agency’s website, reading their brief history and finding nothing satisfying there either. Nothing about Snoke seemed to connect back to Ben except for Luke’s mention of him and the nagging feeling that she knew that name from somewhere.

Giving up, Rey tossed her phone somewhere close to the nightstand, wincing as she heard it clatter to the floor. That seemed a fitting metaphor for the way her life was going right now. She let out a low, bitter laugh.

Why did she even care about Ben Solo anymore? Why was she letting this effect her so much? Ben was history, and she needed to get that through her head. It didn’t matter who Snoke was or what had happened between the two men. It didn’t matter the exact meaning behind Luke’s sly “fall for” comment. All that mattered was Rey surviving the rest of the semester, graduating, and getting the hell away from Ben and all he had brought out in her. All the pain, longing, isolation, excitement, thrills, love, and joy that came along with Ben was a roller coaster that Rey desperately wanted off. 

Sighing, Rey sat up in bed. She would be getting no sleep tonight. She could feel it deep in her bones, the way people with knee injuries knew rain was coming. Something primal, deep, and inexplicable told her that whatever roller coaster she was on was not ending as soon as she’d like.

~*~~*~~*~

Rey normally valued human interaction. She’d grown up lonely, and she knew how precious time around others could be. Yes, there were times when she’d get overwhelmed and needed to decompress but for the most part, she considered herself a people person. At the very least, she was never rude to anyone. 

It was to her own astonishment, then, that she found herself in a bad mood the days following Professor Skywalker’s lecture and that sleepless night she’d had. Her friends were patient with her, only exchanging concerned and bewildered glances behind her back. Poe suddenly didn’t need her to pick up spare shifts at the bakery and Rose had decided that they project she needed Rey’s help on could actually be managed without her, thank you so much for offering, though. Finn just gave Rey a wide berth, but was ready to talk shit when Rey needed him there. That was why they were best friends, after all.

“And, like, he’s not even that cute!” Rey slurred, her fourth Smirnoff Ice in hand and those two vodka shots doing their job, “His nose! So big!”

“Huge.” Finn murmured in agreement, nursing his own bottle.

Rey nodded, “Huge. I bet-” she cut herself off. Even as drunk as she was, that was not a thought Finn needed to hear. Instead, she finished, “I bet he hasn’t even thought about me. He’s better off.  _ I’m _ better off.” Even as the words left her mouth they felt wrong. Perhaps it was just the way it sounded more like “‘m betaof” than she’d intended.

Finn’s brows pulled together with what looked like much difficulty, “I don’t... I don’t know if I think that.”

“Well, Finn, enlighten me, what do you think?”

“I think,” Finn said, his face still scrunched in concentration when all of a sudden Rey could see the light bulb come on above his head, “I think we should call him.”

Rey laughed, the idea sounded ridiculous to even her drunk mind, “I can’t, I blocked his number.”

Finn smiled, something meant to be wicked, Rey was sure but it just looked more goofy than anything, “I have his number!”

Rey blinked. That’s right. Finn did have his number. Suddenly the idea didn’t seem so stupid anymore. Rey nodded, “Let’s do it!”

Finn was already pulling his phone from his back pocket, tapping the screen with his pointer finger as if he was an eighty-year-old man becoming newly acquainted with modern day technology. Rey couldn’t help but giggle at the sight, much to Finn’s chagrin.

Soon enough, the sound of a ringing phone filled their tiny apartment, the phone, on speaker, laying between them on the couch.

Ben picked up surprisingly quickly. “Finn? What’s wrong, is Rey okay?”

Rey felt a giggle bubble in her chest at the sound of his voice. It did something to her. She slapped a hand over her mouth, so she didn’t blurt out anything stupid.

Finn’s voice sounded nearly sober when he said, “Rey is fine without you, jackhole.”

Rey could almost see in her mind’s eye how his eyebrows would fly up at this statement. The giggle became harder to contain.

“I’m... glad to hear it.” His voice lilted up at the end, as if he was asking a question. “Is everything okay?”

“Everything is perfect, Professor.” Finn said, “And don’t think I’ve forgotten about how you barely passed me four semesters ago! You dropped my GPA by, like, a million points.”

There was some kind of noise and the sound of a woman’s voice on the other end of the line that made Rey’s stomach clench. Suddenly, she got a very bad feeling about this. 

Rey’s hand dropped from her mouth as if in slow motion as Ben said, “Finn, are you drunk? Is Rey with you?”

“I’m here.” Rey whispered, sounding very, very sober. As sober as she felt upon hearing Natalie’s voice.

“Rey,” Ben breathed. The tone of his voice was one Rey couldn’t decipher, but it made her stomach do cartwheels.

Everyone was silent. Finn stared at Rey. Rey stared at Finn. They stared at the phone.

“Are you both drunk? It’s 8pm.” He said, as if they didn’t have phones or a clock in their apartment.

“Yes, I learned how to tell time in the second grade, professor.” Rey snapped, some of her drunk inhibition coming back and dropping her common sense.

He chuckled, “And look how far you’ve come. I couldn’t be prouder. Are you both safe?”

“That’s none of your business.” Rey folded her arms like a petulant child.

Ben conceded, “Perhaps not. But I’d like to know, for my own ease of mind.”

Rey looked at Finn, who just shrugged. She shrugged back, and they got in a brief shrugging war before Rey said, “We’re fine.”

There seemed to be a hesitation on the other end as Ben said, “Alright, then. Well, goodnight.”

Rey nodded sharply at the phone, “Goodnight.”

Finn hurriedly hung up the phone, a wild look in his eyes, “That was dumb, Rey.”

Rey burst out laughing. “That was the stupidest thing we’ve ever done, Finnamon. What the hell were we thinking?”

Finn joined in on her laughing, clutching at his sides, “You said, ‘I learned to tell time in second grade’!” 

Rey laughed even harder at the reminder. She wiped away a tear that escaped, “I’m so going to regret this in the morning.”

“But for now it’s fun.” Finn pointed out.

Rey nodded, a smile on her face, “For now it’s fun.”

Rey finished another bottle of Smirnoff Ice and Finn retired to bed before Rey finally dragged herself to her bedroom.

Rey pulled her blinds up, needing fresh air to sober herself up. She unlatched her window and propped it open with a spare textbook she had. Rey was close to sticking her head out of the window like a dog in a car when she heard the soft sound of wheels coming to a halt on asphalt below. It was dark out, but Rey could see an eerily familiar car stall by the curb.

Rey could hardly breathe as the car was put into park and the drivers side door swung open without care for who or what could be driving by.

Rey ducked down and turned her back to the window, holding a hand to her rapidly beating heart. It couldn’t be Ben. There was no way Ben had showed up at her apartment tonight, after she and Finn had drunkenly called him.

She heard faint noises coming from Finn’s room, a low, sleepy “Hello?” came through the thin walls of their apartment.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Rey expected the knock from Finn on her door, she expected the words that left his mouth, but she still closed her eyes and sighed deeply when he said, “Uh, Ben says he’s outside. Wants to talk, if you’d let him.”

Rey scrunched her eyes shut even further, “Did he say anything else?”

“Just asked me if you were still drunk.”

Rey opened her eyes. The buzz had worn off, now she was just tired. She shook her head, “What is he thinking?”

“He’s not. He’s just crazy.” Finn said through a yawn, turning from her door frame, “Just try and keep it down with him, okay?”

Rey didn’t know whether Finn was implying a screaming match or loud sex, but either way she was offended. “Like you wouldn’t sleep through a hurricane, you fucking koala bear!” Her voice was loud as she called after Finn, and she winced, remembering her window was open. Could Ben hear her?

Rey peaked up to look over the windowsill, hoping her room was dark enough that he wouldn’t see her should he look up.

Thankfully, he wasn’t looking up. No, he was looking down at the sidewalk, his large arms crossed over his chest as he leaned on his car. He looked good. Ben was wearing a suit. She had never seen him look that... delicious. His hair was slicked back and his tie done up perfectly. He looked perfect, and Rey wanted to ruin it. God, she was a horny drunk.

Rey knew in her heart she would go down to him. She couldn’t resist him. She would always go to him. Perhaps he knew it, too, and that’s why he seemed to be so patiently waiting for her.

She stood, and as if by magic, his eyes found hers. She watched him as he straightened up, a hopeful look coming to his face as he peered up at her. Something about him reminded her of a puppy dog. There was no resisting that.

Without regard for the fact that she was wearing barely more than a tank-top and (very short) pajama shorts, Rey grabbed her key chain and left her apartment without another thought.

Without shoes, Rey stepped out onto the cold concrete of the sidewalk, wincing. She carefully stepped closer towards Ben, avoiding any obviously dirty or sharp areas.

Ben shrugged his jacket off and tossed it to the ground without care, “Here, stand on this, please.” He held out a hand for her to take, as if she needed help stepping on the probably very expensive fabric.

She folded her arms, “I’m not standing on your jacket, Ben.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’ll get dirty!” She said, waving a hand to the streets around them, as if to prove her point.

“And you could cut yourself and get an infection. Better a dirty jacket than an infection, don’t you think?”

_ Well, when he put it that way... _ Rey huffed and took his hand, even though she didn’t need his help stepping on his jacket. But it felt right, taking his hand as he pulled her a few steps closer.

Ben let go of her hand a beat too quickly, and Rey tried not to let the disappointment show on her face.

“What are you doing here?” She whispered, unable to make eye contact. Instead, her gaze focused on his chest. The buttons of his shirt were straining ever so slightly. It made her think of things better left in her imagination. “Why do you look like you just came from a date?”

He let out a shuttering breathe, “Because I did.”

Rey nodded, biting her lip. That didn’t surprise her. “Why are you here, Ben? Better yet, why did you even answer the phone on your date?”

“Finn called, I got worried, I... I thought something might have happened to you. Why else would he call me?”

Rey smiled, finally looking up at him. His gaze was intense and steady on her, but it didn’t scare her. Nothing about him scared her anymore. “Because he’s drunk and stupid.”

“Well, I know that now.”

Rey swallowed, taking a fraction of a step closer to Ben, “Tell me, honestly, why you’re here right now, Ben Solo.”

“Don’t you know?” he shook his head, “After all this time, how could you not know?”

She closed her eyes, heat burning behind her eyes. “Say it.”

He was quiet for a long stretch. Rey’s eyes fluttered open to find his pained expression. He was torn. She saw it now. 

“You’re scared. Of letting yourself be happy. Of letting yourself feel love, or receive it.” Rey told him, her voice shaking, “I’m so tired of this, Ben. I’m so fucking tired of you pushing me away everything we get close to-”

“You are so infuriating.” He snarled, his anger taking over, “I hate that you never listen to me. You make me want to rip my hair out. I wish you would just leave me alone. I hate that you’re always here. I hate that even when you’re not here I can still feel you. I hate how you’re always smiling at me like I’m some kind of wonder of the world.”

Rey stared back at him, defiant, “Tell me you hate me, Ben. Say it.”

He shook his head, his hands clenching at his sides. “You drive me insane.”

“I love you, Ben. I love every bit of you. Every part that you think is broken beyond repair, I love. I love your good and I love your bad and I love everything in between. I love you the way I never thought I could love anyone.”

He tried to hide the tears in his eyes, but Rey could see them, “I can’t give you what you want. I can’t make you happy. I’m not what you think I am, Rey.”

“Why do you punish yourself like this? Why can’t you let something good in?”

He stood still, looking at her. “You are hellbent on destroying me.”

Rey smiled, “If that’s what it takes to make you see that you’re worthy of love, then I’ll destroy every part of you that says otherwise.”

“Why do you even care so much? Why can’t you just let me be?”

“I hate seeing someone I love in so much pain. How would you feel if...” Rey hesitated, knowing it was wrong but needing him to admit it, “if Natalie was in pain? Wouldn’t you want to do everything in your power to help?”

He shook his head, “You know I don’t love Natalie, Rey. Don’t do that.”

Rey looked at the floor, “Ben, I’m in pain watching you cut yourself off from... you’re hurting me. You told Finn you’d never hurt me. I’m in pain. Don’t you understand why I can’t bear to see you like this?”

He swallowed thickly, “I do.”

Rey looked at him, “So why keep it up?”

“You’ll get over it. You’ll find someone better.”

Rey laughed bitterly, “You are impossible.”

“I’m your professor.”

“I’m fucking aware of that, thank you.”

“I’m seven years older than you.”

Rey nodded, “I know.”

“I’m angry and violent.”

Rey almost laughed, “You tend to take your anger out on objects, not people. I just won’t keep breakable things around.”

“I’m mean.”

“I like it.”

“I’m stubborn.”

“Believe me, I am, too. You know that, though. I’m not giving up on you, Ben.”

“I’m not a very good kisser.” He whispered, his cheeks staining a soft pink color.

“I would beg to differ.” Rey smirked at him.

“I hog the blankets.”

“I get too hot at night anyway.” She gave him a one shouldered shrug.

He sighed, a small smile making its way to his face, “You’re frustrating.”

“You like it.”

He reached out slowly, his fingers just brushing hers, “I love it.”

Rey grabbed his fingers more solidly, sliding hers through his, placing their palms together. It wasn’t the first time she’d been made aware of their size difference, but it was maybe her favorite time. 

“Rey,” Ben said, squeezing her hand, “I love you.”

Rey fell against him, almost unable to hold herself up with the weight of that revelation. “Kiss me, you bastard.”

He laughed, wrapping his arms around her, and pulling her close, “With pleasure.”

Kissing Ben a second time was not like kissing him the first time. The first time it had been rushed and heavy and dangerous. This time it was gentle, exploring. They took their time feeling each others lips against their own, Ben held Rey as close as he physically could. Rey sank into him, letting him guide this, guide them.

It was soft, and everything Rey needed. They parted before either one of them could push things further.

“You’re not still drunk are you?” He asked, sounding worried.

She shook her head, looking up at him in wonder, “Only on you.”

He laughed, letting his head fall back. “You’re something else.”

Rey smiled at the affection in his tone.

“We have a lot to talk about if this is gonna go any farther, Rey.” He said, bursting the bubble of ignorant bliss they’d formed together. “I’m still... this is still very bad.”

Rey nodded, ice running through her veins at the realization that yes, this was real. But reality also brought a heavy dose of consequences that they would have to face if things went south. “Alright, let’s talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where everyone stops reading bc they're together right? at least that's what i do oops. but uh there is more! and don't be so sure they're Together together bc anything can happen


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could not be more sorry for the wait. i hope all of you are healthy and safe. happy national horny day, you filthy bastards
> 
> follow me on twt: @kylosbarechest

Rey felt the anxiety bubbling in the pit of her stomach like a cauldron in a witch’s fireplace. Her fingers danced along the hem of her shirt as she avoided looking in Ben's direction. The silence stretched into what seemed to be hours, but was in reality probably only a few minutes.

“Why is this so much worse now that I’ve told you?” He breathed.

Rey’s gaze snapped to his. He sat across from her, perched on his coffee table. Ben’s forearms rested on his knees as he hunched over, he looked like a man defeated.

“What’s worse?”

“Being near you and trying not to touch you.”

Rey sucked in a sharp breath, “Oh.” She could feel her face heat, and knew he could see the pink dusting her cheeks.

He smiled and it almost knocked the breath out of her, “Why does that surprise you?”

She didn’t know. All Rey knew was that right now, everything felt like something out of a dream. Students didn’t fall in love with their professors. Professors didn’t love them back. Rey didn’t fall in love. And no one ever loved Rey. None of it added up and yet there they sat, in his house, with Rey on his couch and Ben looking at her like she hung the stars in the sky. Had he always looked at her like this?

“Say it again.” She whispered, her eyes searching his, pleading with him to let her know this was all very real.

“I love you.” He said without a beat of hesitation. A small smile crept onto his face as he said the words, as if it was a relief to finally lose them from his lips.

She nodded, unsure of how to respond. She should say it back, but he already knew. Rey looked down at her hands, still fiddling with her hem. It hardly felt real, those words, them being there. She wasn’t sure if she would ever accept the truth of this moment.

“Rey,” Ben said, falling from his spot on the coffee table and sinking to his knees in front of her, “I am so, so in love with you.”

Rey blinked, realizing there were tears brimming in her eyes. She reached for him, and his hand grabbed hers automatically, his thumb tracing circles over the back of her hand. 

“I don’t know how you could be.”

“I don’t know how I couldn’t be,” he countered, his hands running up her arms to grasp her elbows.

Rey’s eyes found his and everything suddenly felt electric. She was aware of every pore on her body. Ben’s touch was scalding in the way only his could be.

Rey found herself falling into his embrace, her hands came up to his face, pulling his lips towards hers.

Kissing him never ceased to be a wonder to her. Kissing him without fear of some ultimate rejection was something she couldn’t even begin to describe. He held her delicately, as if he was still afraid she wasn’t there, in his arms.

Her hands dove into his hair, pulling him impossibly closer to her. Their bodies were flush together and Rey felt more than heard him groan at the feeling.

She smiled against his lips, pulling away just enough to say, “Everything alright, professor?”

This time his groan was audible, “We really should talk before doing any of the things I’m thinking of doing right now.”

Her heart picked up speed in her chest. “And what is it that you’re thinking of doing?”

He smiled and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, “Everything.”

Rey let him lead her on another perusal to see just how well their mouths fit and moved together. Ben’s hands never strayed towards the parts of her that wanted him most, and perhaps that made it all the more enticing to her. 

“Fuck talking, Ben,” Rey said as Ben began to kiss a path along her jaw, “If you don’t touch me I might die.”

He laughed, “Well, we can’t have that, can we?” His lips travelled to the curve of her ear, “I guess, for the good of humanity and your own survival, it’s my duty to give you whatever you ask for.”

Rey shivered.

“So, what are you going to ask for, sweetheart?”

Rey’s mind ran wild with possibilities. She wanted anything and everything under the sun that Ben would be willing to give her. But right now, she needed one thing above all others.

“Show me how much you love me, Ben.”

“That, I can do.”

Before Rey knew it, and faster than she anticipated, Ben had lifted her off the ground. She automatically wrapped her legs around his waist and held on tight as he put one arm under her ass to support her. He carried her to his bedroom, and the sight of the familiar bedspread had her blushing.

Last time they had been in here, they’d woken up in each other’s arms. The last time, they’d both been in here, they’d fought. Last time she’d been in here, Rey remembered with a blush, she’d checked his nightstand for condoms.

“Ben,” she asked, her face burying in his neck, “I have to tell you something.”

He paused at the foot of his bed, still holding her, “What is it?”

She took a deep breath, “When I came over here, I kinda went through your nightstand... I know that’s a huge violation of your privacy and I’m so so-”

He cut her off, “I don’t care. At this moment, I honestly could not care less. You could tell me you burned my house to the ground and rebuilt it in a day, and I wouldn’t care.”

Rey smiled and leaned down to plant a light kiss at his collarbone, “Someone’s a bit eager.”

He shifted so that Rey fell a couple of inches, his grasp on her moving to hold her under her thighs. Their position was that in which she could feel exactly how eager Ben was. Rey barely resisted the urge to roll her hips against his.

“You don’t even know,” he told her as Rey gasped at the sensation of his growing erection against her.

“Already?” Rey pulled her head away to look in his eyes. They were dark and hungry, “We barely started.”

“Lately, just the thought of you does it.”

Rey blushed, embarrassed to tell him that she was in the same situation. A few days ago, she’d accidentally made herself come just by thinking too hard about how his fingers could stretch her out so nicely. She bit her lip, wondering if she should share that little bit of information with him or not. Yes, she decided, she would. But not right that moment.

Leaning in, she kissed him again. And then again. And then one more time, just because she could.

He lowered her to the bed, never letting their bodies part for more than a few seconds. It felt right, having Ben’s body pressed against hers. He was so large that he made Rey feel small, even though she knew she was not exactly a petite woman. 

“Is this good? I mean, you’re okay with this?” Ben said, planting kisses along the column of her throat.

Rey laughed, the sound breathy and careless, even to her own ears. “Of course this is okay with me. I’ve wanted nothing more for months now.”

“Oh, thank god.” Ben looked up at her through his lashes and Rey’s heart throbbed at the sight. 

The words seemed to flip a switch within them both, as if they had been waiting for the final confirmation that this was going to happen, they were really doing this.

Ben’s kisses became more fervent and Rey’s hands travelled everywhere she could find skin. Unable to find enough, Rey’s fingers flew to the buttons of his shirt, clumsily undoing them. Ben huffed a laugh at her eagerness and went to help her with the buttons. 

He was a lot swifter in the removal of his own shirt, and soon Rey was able to touch the large expanse of his chest. And boy, did she. 

Rey remembered the time she’d seen him shirtless at Leia’s house. She thought about it often, but being able to run her hands over his muscles, feel the heat of his skin, that was something else entirely. 

Rey ran her hands down the muscles of his back, her nails scratching lightly at his skin. She felt him shiver. Knowing she had the power over him to make him feel this way was perhaps better than the way he was making her feel. And yes, he was making her feel things.

Ben’s hands snuck underneath her tank top;she’d forgotten she was wearing practically nothing. Her breath hitched in her throat as his fingers grazed along the underside of her breasts. She bit her lip and arched her back, encouraging him to keep going, to touch her. 

A burning desire that had been building in her core flared as he, instead of touching her, slowly pushed up her tank top, revealing the flat expanse of her tummy. His eyes fell to her skin, drinking in every inch of her. She tried not to squirm under his gaze.

Rey lifted her arms up, urging him along. Ben licked his lips and pulled her tank top off in one fluid sweep. She was bare from the waist up beneath him, and she’d never felt more vulnerable in her life. She’d been naked in front of many people before, but being exposed to Ben was different. Everything with Ben was different. 

“I’m sorry,” she blurted, “I know they’re small.”

Ben’s eyes flicked up to hers, shock in his brown gaze, “Rey, you’re perfect... everything... about you is perfect.”

She blushed, but managed to hold his gaze, “You’re not so bad yourself, professor.”

He smirked at her, “One day,” he said, trailing a finger from her sternum to her belly button, down to the hem of her shorts, “you’re gonna call me that when I make you come. I’ve thought about it so much, Rey.”

His head dipped down and without any more preamble, he took one of her pert nipples in his mouth. Ben’s tongue swirled around the bud, and Rey was already soaking wet at the feeling.

“I think about you coming into my office,” Ben continued against her skin, “begging for extra credit. You say you’ll do anything.”

Rey’s hand carded through Ben’s long locks as he sucked at her skin, planting kisses all over her chest, leaving bruises in his wake. The fantasy he told her only served to make her more needy. She rutted her hips against his, looking for any sort of friction she could get.

“And what do you tell me, professor?” She whispered hoarsely.

He grinned up at her, and she felt her pussy clench at the sight. “Well, given my reputation for always being accommodating to students in need, I tell you that I’d be more than happy to come to an arrangement with you.”

Rey nodded, lost in the story he wove for her, picturing the way she would wear a short skirt and thigh high socks for him. Seeing him in his dorky sweater and glasses perched on his nose. She was so caught up in the image that she hardly noticed Ben’s lips travelling ever so slowly to the waistband of her shorts.

Rey propped herself up on her elbow to get a better look at him, “Accommodating, eh?”

His lips paused, and he looked up at her, “Only for my favorite students.”

Rey licked her lips, “Just how accommodating are you?”

“You’re about to find out.”

With that, his thumbs hooked under the waistband of her shorts and underwear, swiftly pulling them off of her. She was completely bare before him. She pressed her thighs together in an automatic move to try to maintain some modesty, but his large hands grabbed her knees, slowly prying her legs open.

He took in every inch of her, a look of hunger and something like wonder on his face. 

“You’re exquisite.” He breathed, almost as if to himself.

Rey smiled softly at him, “You’re biased.”

He planted a kiss on the inside of her knee, “Biased or not, you’re fucking immaculate.”

“I’m far too naked and you, sir, are far too clothed,” she said, staring pointedly at the bulge in his trousers.

He rolled his eyes but made no move to strip, “We’ll get there, there’s just something I’ve been dying to do first.”

Rey couldn’t argue with him as his lips pressed delicate kisses up her thighs, his tongue grazing the ticklish spot of her inner thighs, making her squirm and let out a light giggle. His teeth nipped at the apex of her thighs and suddenly she was aware of just how close he was to doing something she’d never dared to dream about. 

In all of the relationships she’d had, and all of the men she’d slept with, only one had ever dared try to eat her out and the attempt had not gone over very well. It had felt like he was trying to mimic a dog lapping at a water bowl, and that was not sexy.

Rey was willing to let Ben try, though, because if the way he kissed her was any indication, she was sure he’d be more than adequate.

Rey held her breath as Ben grasped her hips, his tongue running one long stroke through her wet folds.  _ Yes _ , Rey thought as she let out her breath,  _ he was going to be very good at this. _

His lips wrapped around her clit, and she almost died right there at the sensation of it. Rey’s hands grasped at his hair as his tongue dove in and out of her, as his lips sucked at the most delicate part of her. Soon enough, his fingers were pressing at her entrance. Rey bucked her hips in response and an animal whine she didn’t recognize came out of her.

Rey could feel his smirk as he worked her. She knew the arrogant part of him was enjoying this immensely, the way she was so responsive to his touch. She couldn’t deny that she liked feeding his ego.

He slipped one finger into her, but they both immediately could tell she was already ready for more. Rey found herself chanting his name like a prayer.

“Ben, please, I need more.” She begged him, pulling lightly on his hair, “Please.”

Ben was eager to oblige as he added another finger, his tongue pressed flat against her clit as she bucked her hips, demanding more from him.

He pressed one large hand on her lower belly, preventing her from moving as he thrust his fingers into her, curling them. It was unfair how quickly he found just the right spot to stroke inside her to make her see stars when she closed her eyes. 

The burning heat in her lower belly swelled as he continued his ministrations on her. His thick fingers filling her and his slick tongue tasting her.

She tried to hold out, tried to pull more pleasure from his mouth, but she found it increasingly difficult when she heard (and  _ felt _ ) him moan against her. Her walls clenched at his fingers, and if she wasn’t going to come from his moaning, she sure as hell would when he added a third finger, stretching her more than she’d thought possible.

“Ben, I-”

“I know, sweetheart, come for me.” He whispered, the sound of his voice barely audible to her through the pounding in her ears.

She felt every part of her tense as his mouth replaced his fingers, his thumb working her clit as she fell into the sweet abyss of pleasure.

Her orgasm swept through her, and she could distantly hear herself moaning Ben’s name. He lapped up every bit of her as she came down from her high, tasting her like she was made of the sweetest fruit.

When Ben finally pulled away, his lips were glistening with her juices as he gave her a wide, self-satisfied smile.

“I hate to bring it up,” he began, and Rey rolled her eyes as she realized where he was going with this, “but I’d like to point out that I’ve already made you come more times than Hux did.”

She smiled at him, despite the mention of the ginger bastard. “I’m hoping you can do more than just beat Hux’s record.”

His gaze darkened, but Rey couldn’t tell if it was because of his arousal or the taunting. Something told her it was a mix of the two. She absently wondered if it would be worth it sometime to see just how jealous he could become and what he would do then. Looking at his face, she decided yes, it absolutely would be worth it.

“You’re still not naked,” Rey said, her foot trailing up his thigh, “I was a good girl and let you do what you want. Can you please take those off now?”

He groaned, his eyes fluttering closed as Rey’s legs squeezed around his torso. Ben’s chest rose and fell with each breath he took. He looked like a man barely restrained.

Rey fluttered her lashes at him, and the move didn’t feel ridiculous like she expected. She felt sexy and sultry. She wanted him. What’s more, he wanted her. 

She continued to pout, “Please, professor.”

He licked his lips, watching her closely, “Say it again.”

She blinked, confused. 

He crawled up to her until their faces were level. He leaned down until their lips were a hair’s width away from each other, “I’ll take them off if you say it again.”

She could feel his breath fan across her face, and realization struck her, “I’ve been such a good girl for you, Ben,” she rocked her hips slowly against his, just enough to tease him, “please give me a reward.”

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her, “Anything for you.”

With that, he reached one hand down to undo his belt as he languidly kissed her. She could taste a bit of herself on his tongue, and it only left her wanting more.

Rey reached a hand down to help him, their fingers fumbling together over his zipper until eventually, they were both pushing off his pants. Rey ran her fingers over his hard length, still hidden away by his briefs.

He parted from her in a gasp as her fingers slipped below his waistband, “Jesus fuck, Rey.”

She smiled up at him demurely, “Yes?”

Her hand wrapped around him, lightly stroking.

“You will be the death of me.”

“And what a sweet death it will be.” 

He shook his head, his eyes shut tight, “A death I will gladly accept.”

Rey squeezed lightly, “Get these off, Ben, before I die, too.”

He laughed, though it sounded more strained than amused, “So impatient.”

Rey’s hand moved to push them down herself, but he stopped her, “No, no, I’ll strip, just... just keep doing that, please.”

She smiled at him, “Now who’s impatient?”

He rolled his eyes but planted a quick kiss on her lips, “I did say please.”

Rey stroked him again, “Such good manners.”

“R-Rey,” he said, his voice absolutely wrecked. It was everything Rey had ever dreamed of hearing. His beautiful deep voice, all ruined just for her.

“Hmm?” She hummed, enjoying her control over him.

“I don’t have condoms.” He said, as if the realization just struck him.

Rey smiled reassuringly at him, “Don’t worry, I have an implant. I’m clean, too.”

“Yeah, me too.” He looked down at her, his eyes heavy-lidded, but clear, “You’re sure?”

“Never been more sure of anything.” She told him, knowing the double meaning was clear to both of them.

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, “Me, either.” 

He made quick work of shucking off his pants and underwear. Rey couldn’t help the glance she snuck at him, nor her sharp intake of breath at the sight of him. She knew he’d be big, just by looking at the rest of him, but nothing could have prepared her for the reality of it.

She was kind of intimidated just looking at it. Her eyes trailed slowly back up to his, and he seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.

“It’s quite a lot more than I’m used to,” she whispered.

He smiled at her but it looked more like a grimace, “We don’t have to-”

Her hand was still on him and squeezed him lightly as she stroked, “No, I want this, still. I want you.”

“I’ll be gentle.”

She reached up to kiss him, more for her own reassurance than his, “I know you will.”

Ben’s kiss was gentle, as if to prove that he would do his best not to hurt her. She trusted him completely, but that didn’t take away the small stab of fear when she thought about how large he was and how small she felt.

Rey’s hand moved from his length to run up his chest, “I love you.”

Ben’s face buried in her neck, his lips just grazing her skin as he whispered back, “I love you more than I ever knew was possible.”

And then he pushed into her. It didn’t hurt like losing her virginity, but it wasn’t exactly a comfortable fit, either. He took it slowly, inching in bit by bit until he was fully seated within her.

“Fuck.” He breathed.

At the same time, Rey whispered, “Bloody hell.”

He planted a kiss on her collarbone, “You okay?”

Her eyes were closed, but she nodded, biting her lip, “Just a second, please.”

“Take your time, baby.”

The pet name had an effect on her, one that Ben was able to feel. Rey clenched around him involuntarily.

She blushed, thankful that Ben couldn’t see her. 

“You feel so good,” he said, sucking at her neck, “so fucking good.”

Rey let her hands wander to his biceps, her fingertips running over the straining muscle, he was working hard to keep himself still for her.

“You can move, Ben.”

He groaned, pulling himself away from her neck, “You sure?”

She nodded, “Yes.”

He obliged, giving shallow thrusts.

Rey felt fuller than she ever had before, but it wasn’t uncomfortable anymore. It felt right. It felt like he belonged with her, like their bodies had been molded to fit together. 

Rey arched her back, digging her nails into his biceps as Ben’s thrusts became deeper, coming more quickly. 

She watched his face as he moved, the pleasure blooming in her reflecting the love she saw in his eyes. 

Rey’s hand fell from his bicep to intertwine with his. His fingers gripped hers, and she felt her heart swell with the action. 

Ben’s lips found her breasts again, sucking at the soft skin there, feasting like a man starved.

Rey’s hips met his thrust for thrust as they found their own special rhythm. It was so much better than anything Rey had ever experienced with anyone else. Ben knew her body somehow, he inexplicably knew where to kiss, where to touch. He knew when she needed more or when something was too much. He could read her like a book and for the first time in her life, she truly felt seen.

“Ben,” she panted, “so good.”

She didn’t need to specify what was so good, nor could she. It was just  _ everything _ .

He murmured his agreement, “Nothing better than this, Rey. Nothing better than you.” Rey was sure he was past the point of forming meaningful sentences, but it didn’t matter. She was just as far gone as he was.

She nodded, her hand slipping down to rub circles at her clit as she felt the familiar pressure building, “Right there.”

He nodded against her chest, his hand following hers to take over her ministrations. Her head fell back against the bedding as his calloused thumb rubbed quick circles around her clit, heightening her pleasure even more.

Ben’s thrusts became more urgent, and Rey could tell he was close.

“Ben,” Rey said, his name falling from her lips more times than she could or wanted to count. 

“‘M so close, Rey,” he said, “come with me, c’mon.”

Rey nodded, arching her back, causing him to thrust deeper, “Me, too, I’m-”

Before she could finish, she felt the dam burst inside her, and she was coming without abandon. She writhed beneath him, fire igniting through every inch of her body. Her walls clenched around him, and he was sent over the edge with her, spilling every inch of himself into her.

He came with a guttural sound that almost had Rey coming again just from the sound of it. She felt it in her bones, and she knew she’d never forget the feeling of him coming inside her. Something about it settled deep in her heart, as if their coupling had left her permanently his. Not that she minded that one bit.

Ben collapsed on top of her, though he made sure to leave his full weight off of her.

“You know,” he said, his head resting on her chest, “I spent months thinking you were a disease, one I could never rid myself of.”

Rey’s heart pounded in her chest at that. She had been so sure in their love, that they had finally stopped resisting one another. Before her thoughts could travel any further than that, he continued.

“Now, I’m realizing, you might just be the cure.”

Rey ran her fingers through his hair, unsure of what to say in response to that.

“I’m sorry I ran for so long, Rey. I shouldn’t have. I mean, of course I should have, I’m your professor. But I should have done it differently. I shouldn’t have ever let you think I didn’t love you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Rey whispered, “It’s okay now.”

“I’m done running.” He vowed, sighing contentedly, “I love you too much to stay away when it hurts us both.”

Rey grabbed his face in her hands, turning him to look at her, “I want you to love yourself too much to stay away, Ben.”

He blinked at her, “Give me some time for that one, sweetheart. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

She smiled at him, “I love you, too.”

He smiled at her, his chin resting on her sternum, “I should get you cleaned up, but I’m so comfortable.”

Rey sighed, “Get up, you great oaf, time to pee.”

He groaned, “I don’t want to.”

Rey laughed, shoving his shoulder, “C’mon, Ben, let’s go, get up.”

He sighed and rolled to the side, watching Rey crawl from the bed. She felt as if she should be self-conscious, naked in Ben’s bedroom with his eyes following her. Instead, she felt settled. She didn’t care that she was nude in the way that she usually did after having sex. She didn’t feel the need to immediately jump under the covers or even pull on one of Ben’s oversized shirts.

After cleaning herself up, Rey slipped back into bed beside a sleepy-looking Ben.

He pulled her close to his chest almost immediately, his arms wrapping around her protectively.

Rey smiled, curling into him, “How do you feel?”

He placed a soft kiss on the top of her head, “Complete.”

“Me, too.” She confessed, “More than I ever have before.”

He hummed lightly, “We’ve still got quite a journey ahead of us, sweetheart.”

“But it’s a journey for us both, right? As a... I mean we’re doing it together?” Rey asked, her fingers tracing the lines of his pecs.

He shivered, “If you mean as a couple,” he said, pulling back to look at her, “then I’d like to, if you would, too.”

Rey blinked, disbelief hitting her. She’d been expecting this, of course, what else would happen from here? But to hear the words...

“Unless that’s too much for you, I know just because we’re... I mean, you’re not obligated by any means to be with me just because of this.”

“Ben,” Rey said, splaying her hand over his heart, feeling the rapid beat of it beneath his skin, “I told you there’s nothing more that I want than you. Of course, I want to be with you.”

He smiled, relief flooding his face, “That’s... that’s good to hear. Girlfriend seems like such a trivial word for you. Student isn’t quite right, either.” 

He smirked at her and Rey rolled her eyes.

“What are we gonna do about that, by the way?” She said, tapping her finger on his chest, “I mean, clearly we’re not exactly permitted to do any of this.”

He was silent for a long time, “I suppose we go on as we always have. There’s nothing wrong with a student being friendly with a professor.”

“I’m not sure I’d classify what we just did as friendly.”

Ben laughed, a smile lingering on his face, “Oh, no, I wouldn’t either. But let’s say we make a rule... nothing that could be interpreted as anything more than platonic outside of this house.”

Rey nodded, fear suddenly clenching her heart, “That’s smart. And our phones. They can look at texts if they need to. We shouldn’t send anything iffy to each other.”

He frowned, “Good point. So, for all intents and purposes, we’re not together. Everywhere but here, of course.”

Rey nodded, a small bit of sadness flooding her at that, but it was edged with excitement. They had a secret. A dangerous one. It was scary and exciting and made her feel like she was in way over her head.

Ben kissed her forehead, “We’re okay, Rey. It’s only a few months, if that.”

Rey nodded, swallowing back her fears in favor of the comfort Ben provided her. Everything was okay, she had Ben. That was all she needed right now.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it's short and i'm sorry it's (so very) late. i'm a Bad Updater. i hope everyone is doing well. the next chapters should come out fairly quickly (within a week or two). sorry and love you
> 
> follow and come talk to me on twt: @kylosbarechest

Rey woke with her cheek plastered against a firm chest. She knew where she was. The butterflies that had bloomed at the feeling of his steadily rising and falling chest were enough to dredge back memories from the previous night. Her body was slightly sore in the way that it tended to be after a too strenuous workout. Rey and Ben’s legs were tangled together in the sheets, and she found herself memorizing the way it felt to have his strong arms wrapped securely around her.

“I know you’re awake,” he whispered, a distant echo of what he’d said to her last time they’d woke up like this together.

She smiled and felt his fingers ghost down her spine, “No, I’m not.”

He chuckled, “The infamous sleep-talking presents itself again.”

Rey turned her head so that her chin was resting on his chest, and she could see his face. He had a relaxed smile spread across his lips, and she noted with more than enough pride that his hair was tangled far more than a good night’s sleep would cause.

“Hey, handsome.” She whispered, placing her hand on his cheek. He had a bit of stubble on his chin that she ran her thumb over.

He closed his eyes as a light pink hue came to his cheeks, “Good morning.”

His voice was gravelly from disuse and it made Rey’s blood pulse with a need so strong it caught her off guard.

“This is crazy.” She whispered, more to herself than anything, “Absolutely bonkers.”

His eyes flew open, “Are you having regrets?”

“No, never.” Rey rushed out, “It’s just... hard to wrap my head around.”

He relaxed underneath her touch, “Oh, yes. I agree. It’s not everyday I wake up with not only the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen but also my student in my bed.”

She pretended to feign shock, “There’s another woman here?”

Rey yelped when she felt Ben pinch her bottom.

“No,” he said, sitting up so that they were now face to face, “thankfully it’s just you and me.” He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. They lingered like that for a time, not moving, not breathing, just enjoying each other.

Rey pulled back and ducked her head, “My breath must be horrendous.”

Ben rested a hand on her hip, tugging her closer, “Nothing about you is horrendous.”

“You’re just trying to get me to fall into bed with you again, sir.” She accused, letting him kiss her neck. Well, she supposed, encouraging was a more appropriate word. She mewled as he sucked on a sore spot. She knew if she looked in a mirror, she would have a hickey right where his lips met her skin.

“Mmm, and is it working?”

“A bit.” She admitted.

“I was going to make you breakfast.” He said, his thumb rubbing circles on her hipbone.

“And now?”

His lips trailed down to her collarbone and continued their downward path, “Now, I don’t know if you’re hungry enough for breakfast yet... we might need to work up your appetite, sweetheart.”

“And,” she gasped as he nipped at the flesh of her breast, “how would we ever do such a thing?”

“I have more than a few ideas.” He growled, and Rey absolutely melted for him.

She quickly found out what his ideas were, and she couldn’t argue that they had worked up her appetite.

She was so hungry, in fact, that after they laid in his bed, panting, her stomach had growled loudly enough for him to hear.

Rey blushed furiously as Ben let out a loud bark of laughter, “Alright, let’s get you fed.”

Before she could protest, he had swept her off the bed and into a fireman’s hold. She gasped and pounded on his back.

“Put me down, Ben!”

He laughed and just continued to carry her towards the kitchen.

“This really isn’t sanitary, Benjamin.” She pouted, her gaze steady on the rippling muscles of his back.

“Good thing the health inspector doesn’t come by my kitchen, then.” He bent slightly, setting her on the floor, “And it’s a good thing I brought you this to wear, so you’re not completely naked. Though, I wouldn’t complain if you were.” He held out a large t-shirt.

She eyed him, grabbing the shirt from his hand and pulling it over her head, “Yeah, I’m sure you wouldn’t, would you?”

She looked down at herself and noticed it was another one of his old shirts. Probably one he wore when working out, if the graphic proclaiming “Empire Gym” was anything to judge by. It fit her like a nightgown, just like his other shirt did- the one she’d confiscated long ago.

“You know,” Ben said, as if reading her mind, “the moment I saw you in my old shirt at my mother’s place, it was over.”

“What was?” Rey asked, tilting her head at up at him.

He licked his lips, a nervous tick, “Any chance I had of not being wrapped around your finger.”

“Oh,” Rey exhaled, unsure of what she’d expected. It certainly hadn’t been that, though. She’d thought maybe he’d say he had to chance of not wanting to fuck her, or that he’d wanted to take her right then and there. She was suddenly hit with the memory of his words.  _ I am so, so in love with you... I don’t know how I couldn’t be. _

It wasn’t a choice for her to love him, but she knew that she’d have made that choice every day of her life if she had to. Rey was beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way. Choosing this love had been hard for him, she’d had a front row seat to the struggle within him. So no, her love for him wasn’t a choice, but the choice was, for both of them, whether to accept that love and believe that they deserved it.

He smiled crookedly at her, “When will you stop looking like I told you the world’s on fire after I say things like that?”

Rey shook her head, “Maybe when I start to process that this is real, that you’ve decided on me.”

Ben’s features softened as he took in her words, “Rey, I decided on you a long time ago. I just needed to get out of my head.”

“Wh-” Rey cut herself off, afraid of what he might say when she asked, “what happened with Natalie?”

Ben sighed, his shoulders heaving up and down with the action. “We’re not together, if that’s what you’re asking. She’s not happy with me, either.”

Rey nodded, rubbing a hand on her arm. She leaned against the counter, gazing at Ben. He looked only vaguely uncomfortable, which Rey took as a good sign.

“So I’m not a homewrecker.” Rey nodded, “That’s good.”

Ben laughed, but it was tinged with worry, “Definitely not.”

Rey sighed and hopped up to sit on the counter, watching him begin to make breakfast. She had to ask. 

“What happened last night, Ben?”

He sighed, though she knew he’d been expecting it. “Well... you called, actually Finn called in the middle of dinner. I answered because I thought it was you. Because I always answer for you. That was... the wrong thing to do. For her, at least. For me, it wasn’t even a thought. I saw your name and just... answered without a thought. I didn’t care that I was in the middle of dinner with my girlfriend. I didn’t care that I should have ignored you and given her all of my attention because I’m supposed to love her and not you.”

Rey had a hard time not grinning at his story. She was elated to hear the way Ben had dropped everything for her. It made her feel cared about,  _ wanted _ . But Ben clearly felt immense guilt for what he’d done, something Rey could understand but didn’t want to dwell on too long. 

“I went outside to talk to you, and by the time I was done she was outside, too, waiting for me to finish the call. Then she just said she didn’t want to be second choice anymore. So she left. I got in my car and drove around and eventually I found myself at your place. And you know the rest.”

Rey nodded, her legs swinging and bumping against the counter lightly. She bit her lip in thought before whispering, “How serious were you guys?”

His back tensed but Rey simply gazed at him, waiting for the answer he didn’t want to give and the answer she didn’t want to hear.

“She tried to make things a whole lot more serious that I was comfortable with. I felt guilty all the time and I could never get past it. I tried to get her to slow down but then she’d mention you and the guilt would eat me alive and I’d go along with whatever she wanted.” He let out a bitter laugh, “I’m pretty sure one more week and she would have had me moving in with her. Or at least a drawer at her place.”

Rey nodded as she listened to his story, biting down the urge to interrupt him and tell him to stop.

“I don’t love her. I’m not sure I even particularly like her, if we’re being honest. But she was a distraction from you, though it didn’t help much.”

Rey nodded, loosing a breath, “Did you ever...”

Ben shook his head, and she saw the tips of his ears go pink, “No, we didn’t have sex. She tried, though. But I couldn’t... thinking about you while I was with her made me feel like a prick so I never let things go too far.”

Rey shuddered a laugh, “It might make me an awful person for saying this, but I’m glad you never slept with her.”

“Me, too.” He said, pushing some pancakes onto a plate already loaded with scrambled eggs and bacon.

Rey hopped off the counter and wrapped her arms around his waist, “And I’m even more glad she broke up with you.”

Ben laughed, turning in her arms so that they were facing each other. He leaned down to kiss the top of her forehead. “I’m glad, too.”

“So you’re not going to need a ‘my girlfriend just broke up with me, I need to lay around and eat ice cream for a week’ party?”

He smiled and the skin around his eyes crinkled in the most appealing way. Rey wanted to kiss where the wrinkles spread around his eyes. “Would that be a party?”

“A pity party, for sure.” Rey said.

“Hm,” he pretended to think. “I don’t think I need one of those. I think I need a ‘my ex-girlfriend is out of my life and my new girlfriend is hungry and needs to eat the breakfast I just made her’ party.”

Rey smiled up at Ben, warmth flooding her every inch. “Thank you for the breakfast.”

“You can thank me by eating it.” He kissed her again and released her, picking up the plate to hand it to her.

She pouted at him, taking the plate from his grasp, “What will you eat?”

“I’ll steal some bacon from your plate,” as if to prove his point, he snatched a piece of bacon and shoved it in his mouth.

Rey rolled her eyes, taking her plate to the table.

“I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to steal from your students.” Rey said around a mouthful of pancakes. “I need syrup.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s frowned upon to fuck your students, too, but that didn’t stop me.” He said, placing a bottle of syrup in front of her and sitting beside her. 

Rey almost choked on her food. She could feel her face turning red from her coughing. Eventually she was able to swallowed and managed to get out, “I’m glad you’re a rebel, then.”

He gazed at her for a second and then broke out into a wide grin, “Yeah, me too.”

~*~~*~~*~

Rey felt like she was walking on air all day. She spent the majority of her time at Ben’s, cuddling with him and kissing him and telling him how much she loved him. She couldn’t be happier, and she was sure that nothing would bring her down from this high.

When she’d walked into her apartment, Finn and Poe had been on the couch watching some old mob movie. Finn turned to look at her as the door slammed closed and blurted, “You fucked him.”

Poe whipped around to look at Rey, staring intently at her as if searching for some kind of sign that what Finn said was true.

Rey felt a blush creep to her face. She’d never been good at lying to Finn. She had an easy tell. Her lips quirked up. “I didn’t.”

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, and I have telekinetic abilities.”

Rey frowned, “I might have slept with... someone.”

“No, that’s the ‘my crush likes me back’ glow. You fucked Professor Ren.”

Rey gave a secret smile, “Technically I didn’t.”

Finn rolled his eyes again, “Fine, you fucked Professor Solo.”

Rey groaned, “Okay, yeah, maybe I did.”

Poe finally seemed to snap out of his stupor, “Good for you, kid.”

Rey laughed as Finn pinched his boyfriend’s arm. “Thank you, Poe, for supporting me.”

Finn balked, “Peanut, I support you, I just don’t want this to end badly. You know what you’re doing is dangerous as hell!”

Rey nodded, walking over to the couch and kneeling so she was eye level with her friends, “I know, Finn.”

“I just want you to be safe.” Finn’s features softened as he looked at Rey. “You’re my sister and if anyone hurt you, I’d have to kill them. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough to kill him.”

Rey laughed and laid a hand on Finn’s arm, “You could take him,” she sighed, “I promise I’m being safe with my heart and with him. We’re not being stupid about this.”

Finn nodded, patting her hand. The gesture reminded her of something a grandmother would do. While it was an amusing thought, Rey’s throat constricted. Finn was the only family she had ever had. The only one she counted on through thick and thin. She understood why he was concerned. She worried about him and Poe all the time. But she saw the way Poe treated Finn, the reverence they held for each other. It was everything Finn deserved. Rey couldn't help but wonder if she was finding what they had with Ben. It sure felt substantial.

“I trust you.” Finn paused, “And I do trust him. I just want the best for you, Rey.”

“I know.” Rey smiled at her best friend and brother. “Same.”

He reached over the couch to hug her and she wrapped her arms around him, taking comfort in his familiar scent.

“Well for the record, I’m ecstatic about this turn of events.” Poe said, throwing himself into their hug. “Ben’s hot as fuck. It’s about time Rey found someone as hot as her to be with.”

Rey laughed and pulled away from their embrace. “Alright, I’m gonna go do some homework now, because despite what you may think, fucking the prof doesn’t get me a free pass.”

“Boo!” Poe said, giving her a thumbs down.

Finn just snorted and turned back to the movie that was still playing in the background, “Just don’t stay up too late.”

Rey’s cheeks hurt from smiling so much that day.


End file.
